All the smiles that’ll forever haunt me

Once the bus started to move we’d somehow all retreated back to our bunks to sleep as much as possible before the final show beforehand to warp. It was also Mia’s final night. I cried a little bit (more) coming to terms with the fact that she was leaving but it was for the best I suppose and I’d keep in contact with her as long as I could until…well you all know.

Her and Frank were doing okay, as well as they could be…they still embraced every now and then but now looking at them; you can really just see the friendship there and sturdy. It’s sad to see two people who used to love each other so much suddenly stop. It in a sense just added to the ‘no hope’ policy I held in life. It was so sudden, literally they were kissing and then BAM, she tells me they’re over. Frank seemed as though he was doing well also, I remember the first night I met him, all he would do was show me that picture of him and Mia. It was a beautiful picture.

It was also hard seeing Gerard and Vanessa this morning; it hurt like hell but there was nothing I could do about it now. I was too stubborn to admit to Gerard how I really felt after all I’ve fought and I know I’m just not the right person for him or anyone. He doesn’t need a dark cloud ruining his day, every day, not me. I didn’t know if I was jumping to conclusions or that they would be a couple. Did Gerard really like her? Was there another reason why she was invited back here? Why did Gerard tell me they didn’t have sex but she said ‘I hope we didn’t keep you up?’ I just didn’t know. I don’t think I’ll ever know. I didn’t want to know but I did all the same.

I hadn’t talked to Gerard really after he approached me in the back. He kind of skulked off and I wondered if I’d said the wrong thing or not. I didn’t know if he still loved me or if he ever did. Love…it’s so strange, is it really real? I knew I held a love for him but was it the love? Every single fibre of my body just wishes I were good enough.

I hadn’t realised until the shrilling voice of Bowie, in which woke me from my slumber, that Gerard had slipped into my bunk while I was sleeping. It was while I was cracking my limbs that I’d also discovered that almost in the norm; I’d wrapped my arms around him. Gerard didn’t budge when Bowie’s voice was heard but I still heard the groans of the other band members. I noticed how calm he looked when he slept and it made me smile. Any frown lines were cleared and his skin was smooth and pale, his black hair swiftly hanging across the front of his face and partially on my neck and chest. I had to hold back nearly everything I had not to kiss him or touch his face. I sighed, trying to put the thought out of my mind but I knew I didn’t want it to go. I leant over Gerard, pulling the curtain back and finding my phone on the floor answered without looking to see who was calling, just as his arms tightened around me.

“Hello?” I croaked.

“Winona, dear how are you!?”

“Donna!” I said in surprise. “Hi er…I’m doing as well as I can I suppose, how are you? Everything okay back in Jersey?”

“Everything’s fine, I’m feeling great, I’m just missing you all.”

“We miss you too.” I said with sincerity. In that short amount of time I’d known Donna, she became a mother to me. I know it sounds ridiculous but it’s true. “It feels like forever since I
last saw you.”

“I know sweetie but it won’t be the last.” She chuckled to which I couldn’t return. “How’s the tour? How are my boys? I tried phoning Gee and Mikey but they wouldn’t answer.” She continued and I could just see her rolling her eyes.

“The tours going amazingly and well, we all kinda fell asleep…again.”

“Well I am not surprised by that, at all.” She laughed again. “They work so hard, don’t they?”

“I haven’t seen one fan leave the venue without a smile on their face.” It was true; every fan looks like they’re high when they leave or if MCR’S just finished their set. It’s crazy and wonderful all at the same time. My Chemical Romance’s dream was big and unfolding right before their very eyes and I couldn’t be more proud for any of them and more honoured of being a part of that.

“That’s wonderful to hear, it really is…but tell me hon, Mikey text me yesterday saying Frank and Mia broke up…is it true?” I nodded but mentally slapped myself because obviously she couldn’t see.

“Yeah…it’s true.”

“What even happened?”

“To tell you the truth I have no idea. One minute they were fine, the next they were screaming at each other. I can’t tell you how long I cried for just because they were…the perfect couple, you know?”

“That’s horrible to hear…she became a daughter to me in the three years I’ve known her. How are they doing?”

“I think they’re okay actually…there’s been no more screaming since they ended it. They both said it was something they’d expected, I mean, this is Mia’s last night cause she’s gonna stay with some family at the next stop before she heads off to Jersey-”

“I’m gonna have to meet up with her as soon as she gets back!” Donna exclaimed and I could hear the scratching of a pen on paper.

“I’m certain she’d love that.”

“I’d love to see her and you of course! You’re coming back to Jersey after the tour with Gerard?” I paused. Was I? Or was I going to leave straight away? I didn’t know.

“Er, I think that’s the plan-?”

“Are you going to stay with us?”

“I really don’t kno-”

“Well no matter what you’re always welcome in my home hon.” I could just feel her smiling down the other end of the phone. “Thank you Donna.” I felt like bursting into tears right then because I felt like I was lying to her; that I was lying to them all.

“You and Gerard can just share again…I’m sure that wouldn’t be a problem…”

“Problem-?”

“You and my son made it official?” I sat there open mouthed a little and I began to stutter. Official?

“Offi-official?”

“Yes. Between you and Gerard.”

“Donna…honestly we’re…we’re just-”

“Don’t you dare say friends.” She said. I didn’t know how to respond. “Put my son on the phone.”

“He’s still asleep-”

“Shove him.” She snapped, not angrily at all but it made me laugh. I pulled the phone away from my ear to poke Gerard to which he eventually stirred awake, his eyes fluttering and his mouth wide from the yawn he was currently possessing.

“Hey.” He smiled, about to kiss my cheek but I put my hand over his mouth disapprovingly. It’s almost as if he’d forgotten everything in that moment.

“It’s your mum.” I said shoving my phone in his face. He warily took it and put it to his ear.

“Ma?” he said, suddenly I heard ruckus down the other end of the phone as Gerard’s eye brows shot up and he stared at me, looking slightly frightened.

“What?” I mouthed but he quickly raced out of the bunk. I wanted to follow but I thought against it. What on earth was Donna saying to make Gerard panic like that?

***
It had been about an hour since Donna called and Gerard hadn’t really talked to me (again). I tried to talk or get some coffee with him but he kept a distance from me and I didn’t like it. A few times I caught him looking at his phone and when I’d walked behind him I saw it was Vanessa he was texting. I just nodded solemnly because of course there was potential for something to go one with them. I mean, she was beautiful and seemed to be loving life. We were complete opposites.

Ignoring him, grabbing the biggest bottle of cider I could find, I found my way over to Frank who was casually strumming a few chords in his guitar, cross legged on the floor in the bunks area.

“Hey.” I smiled, sitting in front of him on the floor.

“Hey Win.” He smiled. “How you holding up?”

“Fine.” I nodded slowly, raising the bottle in the air.

“Sure you’re fine because drinking at 3 o’clock in the afternoon casually with no one else to join you is the definition of fine.” he seemingly tried to make it sound like a joke but I could hear the concern in his voice. I smiled and nodded. He raised an eyebrow and shook his head.

“Is Mia still pissed at me?”

“Wait Mia’s pissed at you?” he asked, place his guitar on the floor beside us.

“Yeah…something about me being a and I quote “fucking idiot”.” I said as I began to trace the strings on the guitar.

“Were you being a fucking idiot?” he asked with a smirk.

“ I don’t think so but she obviously thinks differently.”

“Is this about Gerard?”

“Maybe…”

“It always is with you.” He chuckled taking my hand in his and patting it.

“What’s the 411 on you and Jamia?” I asked.

“Don’t be so quick to change the subject Win and well…she said she’d come to warp. I’d love for you to meet her. You’ll get on great…”

“Frank.” I interrupted. “Have you considered how Mia might think about this, I mean…she hasn’t even left yet-”

“She already told me she’s going back to Jersey to see Jake.” He stated simply, shrugging his shoulders in the process. “And like she said, I suppose I was never over Jamia.” I nodded slowly again before taking a swig of my cider.

“Can I have a swig?” he asked, just as I offered it to him. “Now…” he said once wiping his mouth and handing the bottle back to me. “Why does Mia think you’re a fucking idiot exactly?” he asked quietly. It was then I was thankful for the loud sound of the buses engine and the rain hammering against the windows.

“Because…I told Gerard to find another girl to fuck.” I answered taking a big gulp out of the cider, burning my throat momentarily.

“Win…why would you say that?”

“Because you know as well as I do that Gerard and I don’t fit as a couple and besides, Gerard was drunk when he said he loved me.” I continued drinking away, I was going to need another bottle soon.

“Winona Winters how dare you question the feelings of Gerard Way – drunk or not. He never lies, the drink gives him more confidence to say things he would never say sober so really…truthfully, tell me you think he was lying about that.”

“He got another girl on the bus didn’t he?” his eyebrows shot up.

“He didn’t sleep with her Win. After you and Mia left and Vanessa was in the back, he freaked out Win. He didn’t want you to think he did something with her, he said she just kinda showed up.” He argued in defence.

“Why did he kiss her back when she was leaving?” I said still drinking.

“Because she threw herself at him! What was he supposed to do?”

“He got her number and they were texting this morning.”

“Okay…” he sighed running a hand through his hair. “That, I don’t have an answer for BUT Winona, take my word for it…he is still madly in love with you.”

I was afraid of that.

Notes

Sorry for the crappy chapter, my brain was broken and I had know idea what to write so...yeah <33