Love Should Always Be Blind

I was seven when I lost my sight. There are a few memories I try my best to hold onto, no matter how old I get, of what the world looks like. Like a sunset; pink-purple cotton candy you get at the state fair. Or just the sun in itself. I remember people used to say it was 'yellow'. Honestly the way I remember it was, as a big blinding white light you couldn't stare at for too long, or you'd have black spots in your vision when you blinked. Sunshine was yellow.

And that right there makes me miss visual sense. The world is art. In every sense. Like a Monet painting, the sun was something you couldn't look at head on. You had to step back to appreciate it. Sunshine. That's what was yellow. The glimpses you caught, as it dripped out of your bedroom curtains and landed in your arm hair. Those are a few things I remember of the world. But now all I see is darkness.

At first when I went blind, I'd get panic attacks and claustrophobic. I felt like everything was pressing in on me and I couldn't breathe. The darkness was engulfing me, crushing my bones. I would never see again. I was trapped. That's when my older sister, Sarah let me braid her hair.
Touch and sound became my best friend and Sarah had the brilliant idea for me grab her hair; feel how soft and real it was to center me back into reality. Now every time I get upset or have a panic attack I braid Sarah's hair. She keeps it long just for me even though I tell her every time she doesn't have to. I remember her brown shiny hair and bright crystal blue eyes that glowed against her pale soft skin. It's weird. I never got to see my older sister and younger brother grow up. They're stuck in childhood in my mind. Sometimes I try and imagine them older but it doesn't really matter either way I guess.

As I'm sure you've put together I'm the middle child, although my mom treats me like the youngest. Sarah is three years older than me and my little brother, Matt is two ears younger. He has brown hair like Sarah but green hazel eyes like me. I have black hair that I got from my Dad.

My Dad had black hair and blue eyes. Mother has green hazel eyes and brown hair. My Dad passed away when I was five, though, from cancer. I guess that's why my Mom keeps us all on a tight leash. We're all she has. I mean I get it, but I have it the worst. My Mom treats me like I'm five. I am home schooled because I can't see and she's too protective to let me go to public school like Sarah and Matt do. I hardly ever go anywhere really unless my siblings can convince my Mom to let me out.

That's why we're all glad my Mom finally met someone. She's been dating this guy that she met online for like three months now. Although we haven't met him yet, I'm glad; she seems more happy. She hasn't been interested in someone since Dad. The guys name is David and he has a son named Frank, who's apparently my age. I guess I should fill you in on that too. I am seventeen. Sarah's twenty and Matt's fifteen. Sarah still lives at home, since she's only in college. At least that's her excuse but I know it's to help Mom out with me. Although no one would ever say that aloud.

I mean am I really that bad? I know I get bad anxiety and get angry sometimes...but I handle myself pretty well. It's only when people fight that I get bad. I don't even know why, but when people raise their voices and get mad at each other I just fall apart. I cover my ears with my hands to block out the noise and cry. Even before I was blind, but it's only gotten worse since then. Now we either speak in calm voice when we get upset with each other, like teachers do to kindergarteners, or I'm sent outside with said person who's not involved in the fight, and the other two let it go. Or at the very worse I go outside by myself if they're all fighting.

But like I said. That's the worst thing about me. And I take medication for it too, to keep it under control. I have no friends other than Sarah and Matt. I guess that sounds lame, but I like it this way. I just wish I was treated more like the almost adult that I am. I understand I'll never drive, but I can surely live on my own if I am prepared and Mom is NOT preparing me for real life, keeping me under this rock. The way things are going, I'll live with her forever, then with Sarah or Matt when she passes or get's too old to take care of me. And I defiantly don't want to live like that. I want freedom.

I'm hoping that with this David guy, that Mom will fall in love with him, and he'll either kick sense into her or she'll see how crazy she's being and help me make it out in the real world.
Speaking of David, tonight he's coming over with his son, for dinner to meet us. I hope all goes well. I hate meeting new people.

Notes

Please tell me what you think. I'm very nervous to upload this. I've been harboring this story on my computer for a while contemplating on whether or not to put it up. So yeah...