When I arrived back in Washington, I felt like shit. I felt like shit the whole time I drove to Lily's. The whole time I kept going over the look on his face when I had said those terrible words. I fucking hate you. As much as I didn't want him in my life right now, I definitely didnt hate him.

Lily was waiting outside for me with Claire. I parked my car badly and jumped out, collapsing onto Lily to break down.
"Frank? Frank whats wrong?"She asked, clutching at me helplessly.
"I'm a terrible person!"I cried.
"Shh shh Frank. Come on. Lets get a coffee,"She said softly, rubbing my back.

She guided me inside while I tried to stop myself from crying. She sat me down, wiping the tears left on my cheeks as Claire started making us coffee in the kitchen.
"You wanna tell me what's wrong?"She asked softly, holding me close to her.
"I'm an alcoholic. A home wrecker. And a terrible person,"I sniveled.
"Why do you think that?"

"Be-because. I get drunk whenever I can and I always sleep with people I don't know, quite often they're not single. I ruined Castiel's marriage completely and- I searched it up online and found out that Gerard tried to kill himself a couple of months ago and I've gone and broken his heart by telling him I hate him!"I sobbed.

One thing that was standing out clear from the last two nights was the scar's on Gerard's wrists. I had been to drunk to realise what they were but after Ryan had told me Gerard looked like he wanted to die, the clear image of these scars on his wrists had hit me. Once he had gotten on his flight, half an hour before me, I had found an internet cafe and had had a look. It was on the stupid bands website that three shows had been cancelled because of Gerard's attempt.

"Frank when did you see Gerard? Wasn't he in England or whatever?"
"No he- they were all there I think Patrick lied to me to get me there. I didn't bother asking him. But- I- I got drunk the night of the wedding and I slept with Gerard and the same the next night and I think I might have said something stupid while I was drunk because he looked really upset the morning after when I told him to pretend it never happened and then at- at the airport I- he wanted to talk and I told him I hate him!"I burst into tears again.

"Frank. First of all, You are not a home wrecker. You told me about how Cas came onto you. How many times do you think he's done that before? His marriage is going to end because of his sexuality. Not because you flirted back with the man. You had no idea. So you can stop blaming yourself for that thank you very much,"Lily said firmly.

"But- other people. How many other guys have ended a relationship because I got them drunk with me?"I sniffed.
"Frank, they made the decision to drink with you. It's their own fault. You can't go blaming yourself for these things. You don't even know if they were in a relationship. As for this whole Gerard thing..."She sighed.

"Lily if he tries to kill himself again I will never forgive myself."
"Frank do you think maybe the reason you lost control and said you hate him... Is maybe because you feel the exact opposite but you're scared to face those feelings because you don't want to be hurt again?"She asked softly as Claire sat down two cups of shitty filter coffee.

"Thank you Claire,"I leaned forward and took a sip of mine. As shitty as it tasted compared to how good a hazelnut latte from work tastes, it was still coffee and it made me feel marginally better.
"Do you want a hug?"She asked. I nodded and smiled as she jumped onto the couch and snuggled into me.

"Frank..."Lily nudged me.
"I dont know, Lily... You're probably right... As usual,"I sniggered, remembering all the petty arguments over stupid things. Lily was always right.
"Of course I'm right."

"What do I do about it though?"I asked, looking to her for the answer.
"Well you need to stop drinking and sleeping with guys for starters. That should help with your feeling like a home wrecker."
"But what about Gerard?"
"Give it a week. If there's been no news of him trying to kill himself, then you don't need to feel guilty about it. Then you need to focus on whether or not you still have feelings for him."

"I cant tell. I only ever feel things when I'm drunk,"I sniffed.
"That's stupid. You need to take some time and really think about it. Okay? Now I need you to get the hell off of me because my leg is dead now,"She shoved at me.
"Sorry,"I smiled and sat up properly.

"How long are you staying for, Frankie?"Claire asked as she walked to her room.
"Uhh just two nights I think. Why?"
"Just wondering."
"Where are you going?"I called.

She didnt answer so I looked over the couch and waited, drinking most of my coffee.
"Can I play you something?"She returned with her guitar.
"Of course you can,"I smiled,"Is this one of your songs?"
"No,"She scoffed,"None of those are done yet. This is a different one. This band Vicky introduced me to. They're pretty cool."

"What's the song called?"I asked, sitting back as she sat in a comfortable postion.
"My Only One."
"Never heard of it. What's the band's name?"
"Uh- I cant remember. I just really liked this song of theirs,"She smiled.
"Oh. Well go on. Play it out for me."

She started playing a few soft chords, letting herself get sucked into the music like I used to.
"Paint yourself a picture, something perfectly obscure. To hide away the messes behind your manicure. And all of my obsessing to find the perfect words. Sick of second guessing, I didn't mean to make you hurt. Didn't mean to make you hurt, hurt hurt."

"What do you say when your heart's not in it, your heart's not in it? What do you do when you just don't get it, you just don't get it? Where do you go when you reach your limit, you reach your limit? 'Cause all I know, all I know is you are my only one, you are my only one
You are my only one, that's all I know, you're all I know."

"Break another mirror to keep away the stares of another guilty reflex, a reflection left in tears. And all of my obsessing, tell me what was it worth? Guess I should have learned my lesson, I didn't mean to make you hurt. Didn't mean to make you hurt, hurt, hurt."

"What do you say when your heart's not in it, your heart's not in it? What do you do when you just don't get it, you just don't get it? Where do you go when you reach your limit, you reach your limit? 'Cause all I know, all I know is you are my only one, you are my only one. You are my only one, that's all I know, you're all I know."

"Wake me early, I've been dreaming. Dreaming that I'm only, only good enough for me and no one else. So wake me early, I've been dreaming. Dreaming that I'm only, only good enough for me and no one else."

"What do you say when your heart's not in it, your heart's not in it? What do you do when you just don't get it, you just don't get it? Where do you go when you reach your limit, you reach your limit? 'Cause all I know, all I know is you are my only one, you are my only one. You are my only one, that's all I know, it's all I know. You are my only one, you are my only one. You are my only one, that's all I know, you're all I know."