I Don't Believe In God

Frank’s eyes widened to the size of quarters. “Y-you dont - what?” He sputtered in complete disbelief. I actually chuckled for once. “Yes Frank , I don’t believe in god.” I deadpanned , as it were the most oblivious thing in the world. I pulled out my binder and began to sketch , completely ignoring Frank’s open-mouthed stare. “Why?” he blabbed. I stopped sketching , and turned to him. His face was still contorted into one of disbelief. “You Catholics believe that your god will save you. I’ve had many times where i needed saving , did a god come to my rescue? I don’t fucking think so.” I spat indignatly , glaring at the paper. My body got all tense and my grip on my pencil got tighter. “And fuck whoever decided it was a good fucking idea for giving me this shithole life.” I growled , pure anger rising in my throat. My knuckles were turning white from holding the pencil so tight. Frank sighed quietly , and his warm hand landed on my rigid arm. As much as I don’t want to admit it , Franks small hand relaxed me some. I barely even knew the kid and i was actually relaxing under his hand. “Gerard , you have to realize that everyone was placed on this earth for a sole pur-” I cut him off. “I have no purpose.” I snipped , pulling my arm from his touch. After that we stopped speaking , listening to the teacher drone on. I was brooding , getting lost in pencil lines and uncomfortable thoughts. Underneath my angry shell , I was a depressed mess. My emotions switched from numb to angry in 2 seconds. The feeling was overwhelming , it was like I was drowning , completely losing grasp on my life that I once had. Life was a constant headache , days were morphing together into a blur of unknown faces and countless bottles. School was just a barrier from just drowning myself every night. I was too lazy to actually try to kill myself. So I wandered like a brainless zombie, day in and day out. I just wanted to feel whole again. I used to have such steady hands , but now I can’t keep them from shaking. But, the bottle’s always there when the shaking turns to violent tremors. God I needed a cigarette and a cold beer. I was pulled out of my thoughts when the shrill sound of the bell reverberated my skull. I growled and snapped shut my binder , slinging my backpack over my shoulder. I stomped out of the classroom and made my way to the cafeteria. I bursted through the doors of the cafeteria into courtyard. I pulled up my black hood , revealing only a portion of my platinum hair. The yard was unkept and abandoned. Weeds were poking up from from the cobblestone path , leading to a closed off area. I sighed and sat on the stone bench. The bench had vines curling around the legs. I pulled a cigarette out of my pocket and lit it up. I needed this cigarette , my nerves calmed from the rush of nicotien. I slipped my eyes shut and exhaled the smoke through my nostrils. Little birds were chirping and the rustle of leaves relaxed my nerves even more. The nature silence was lovely , beautiful solitude. “You know , smoking is a killer.” The perfect silence was broken by a small voice. I opened my eyes, annoyed. Frank stood a few feet away , fiddling with his brown paper lunch bag. I took another drag of my cigarette , then blew it in his direction , causing him to cough and fan the smoke away. “What can i say? im addicted to things that kill.” I mumbled , flicking the ash in his direction. He sighed , and looked down at his lunch bag. “Do you think I could sit with you?”
“I don’t know , can you handle the smoke?” I took another drag of my cig , slowly exhaling the smoke through my nose again , the smoke curling around into the sky. Smoking was something I had always romanticized about in my young teens. It was tragically beautiful , the smoke was what allured me most. White curls that twirled into the air. He sighed and sat next to me , taking out his sandwich. Suddenly , he clasped his fingers together and closed his eyes , sliently mouthing , in prayer. I rolled my eyes and fixed my eyes on a vine that curled up the rusty fence. We sat in silence for a little , neither of our social skills very polished. “Why’d you move here?” I broke the silence of chewing , and exhaling. Frank stopped chewing and stared down at the sandwich in disinterest. “Its a long story , im sure you wouldn’t want to listen to.” he smiled and shook his head slightly. I shrugged and tossed my burning cigarette to the uneven ground. “I’ve got time.” But I definetly was not prepared for the story that was about to be told.

Notes

hello hi again. im sorry , this is sorta a filler , kinda
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