Photograph That I Gave You

He stands over the caskets, mourning. In a fitted black suit with the thinest of white stripes running down it and a blood red tie. I wish I could tell him how beautiful he looks even when he's so sad, but that would just complicate things. It would make him feel guilty when they find me limp with a gun in my mouth. I can't do that to my Frank. I can't manipulate him like that.
No, he'll feel like everyone else will when they find me- relieved.
In fact, if I sneak out now I can probably get to the gun I hid under my pillow and still have enough time to go put a bullet in my head somewhere private before anyone notices I'm gone.
I slip by the other mourners, muttering apologies, should I leave a note? I really can think of nothing to say but I'm sorry. Forget it, my last words aren't worth wasting a whole sheet of paper.
I'm almost at the door when a hand clamps down on my shoulder. I spin around.
"Where are you going?" Ray asks. Fuck why did he notice me now.
"J-just for a smoke," I lie clumsily, "Contrary to popular belief funerals aren't my favorite places to hang out."
"Yeah, no one ever really wants to attend a funeral but listen it's Mikey, I don't know what it is but he seems really freaked out over you." His serious tone alarms me, "Gerard I don't like seeing him like this. You need to go talk to your brother."
I know he's right as always. Besides, as much as I want to rid the world of my loathsome existence I can't, I can't stop holding the band back, I can't stop being a burden to my family and friends. That was just another stulid dream. I have a deal to uphold, a bargain I must honour at all costs. I can't end myself, not before I've done this deal.
"Yeah of course," I say after too long a pause, "where is he?"
"By the table with the little sandwiches, " he points me in the direction. "And thanks Gerard. I know somethings been up with you lately but you always pull through. That's why he looks up to you so much ,you know that?"
"Heh..." I quickly walk away to hide the confused frown on my face.
Looks up to me?
No, for once Ray completely misinterpreted the situation. I'm nothing more to my brother than someone he has to look after. All he feels towards me is obligation and pity.
There he is, I see him, he doesn't seem me yet. His brown eyes scour the crowd almost franticly.
"Whats up?"I try to keep it casual as he turns at the sound of my voice.
"Gerard don't," he grabs my sleeve and though his voice is kept low I can hear panic in it.
"What are you taking about?" I ask trying to mask my own fear, how could he have known what I was planning. And why is he so upset?
He doesn't answer just grips my coat tighter. so I tell him "I wasn't doing anything," I know to act calm, this isn't the first anxiety attack (or whatever this is) that he's had.
"You had that expression, " he spits out finally, "that look in your eyes you always have right before I find you covered in your own blood. But it was worse even, you had that look, the same one on the night..." Thats all he can say hefore he chokes up again. His long thin fingers are clutching the table behind us for support so I wrap my arms arounds him comfortingly until he calms down a bit. I still can't fathom why he's so upset. But I need to make him happy again.
"I will never hurt myself again Mikey, that was the last time, I promise I'm better,"
"That's what you said the last time," he says accusingly. No simple false promise will work this time. But I have to do something, I hate seeing him so worried.
"Mikey, I admit I was feeling kinda low, y'know, in that mood but it's a fucking funeral. I was just going out for a smoke, that usually helps."
"Like the antidepressents and drinking help," His tone switches to bitter. And I think I know what this is about. He must be so sick of me, sick of looking after me, sick of cleaning up blood and comforting me at night when I wake up screaming. So he can lead his own life without wasting so much of it on me. Its such a responsibility he has, his older brothers life, and its been too much for him, its wirm him doen. He must want this to stop but that's just another thing I can't do.
"Just don't worry about me Mikey," I insist pleadingly, "I can take care of myself."
"No Gerard you can't, " he says seriously, "I'm getting you a real psychiatrist who will help you, not just fill out your percription every month, those pills don't even work."
The suggestion makes my stomache twist in knots, I absolutely will not go to one, that was part of the deal.
" No Mikey I can't, there isn't enough money plus I can sort it out on my ow-"
"Gerard, you can't keep giving me excuses, I'm genuinely scared for you. Why wing you just get bett-"
"No Michael." I cut him off. There can be no argument over this because sadly I have no choice "I don't need a fucking shrink, I need you to get off my back for ten minutes so I can have a chance to figure out what I'm going through." The words are harsh but effective.
I see the hurt rip across his expression then is quickly covered up by anger, "Fuck you," he says evenly and walks away.
I storm off too, my thoughts and feelings collide together inside my head, the turmoil is almost unbearable. I don't know who I am or what I want or whats the truth and what's a lie anymore. There's only two things I know, one no matter what I have to obey the terms of the deal.
And secondly I hate myself. Theres an infinite list of reasons why, so every day emsure my own suffering. I bleed when no one is watching, I self medicate, I barely eat anymore just coffee, I poison myself with too much alchohol. At night I don't know what's worse- lying awake yearning for rest or the nightmares so I alternate between both. I've cut myself off from socializing with anyone unless I absolutely have to. I don't allow myself to do any of the stupid things I used to love: drawing, reading comics, watching horror films, joking around with Frank.
The only good thing left in my life is the band which I'm only still in because it would be too much of an inconvenience to the other members if I drop out. I've vowed to make my life awful not theirs. So every day I allow myself the guilty pleasure of singing the songs I love with the people I love. In a way I need it, without that tiny slice of bliss I would probably loose it and shoot myself in one if my moods and I can't do that. At least not yet, its in the deal. Because My Chemical Romance doesn't mean performaning in front of hundreds of fans for me. It means Ray and Bob and Mikey and Frank. They are the only good point left. They are what keep me sane.
I finish the walk to the last bench, the place farthest I can get from other human beings and sit down on it. I try to clear my mind.
This is such a beautiful building, an old church they converted into a funeral home I was told not too long ago. There are soaring stained glass windows and ornatedly carved pews. Its the perfect place to say our last goodbyes to two unabashedly artistic people, who were never afraid to be who they were. As I stare at the crowd I notice a lot of bands are here, people who played with BOTDF or knew them. I see the guys from Black Veil Brides standing together, decked out in black - then again what else is new. Actually to my surprise, Ray, Frank and Bob are there too, talking with two of the members, Ashley and Andy I think, although it's hard to tell without the war paint. All of the people here arent wearing much makeup and have even took out their piercings. I guess its a respect thing, to not make a spectacle of yourself at such a sombre occasion. In fact for a bunch of punk rockers we look fairly normal. Even I opted out of wearing my customary red eye-shadow. I'll admit, I kept the eyeliner, I look like shit without eyeliner. Mikey seem OK now, he's back to his poker face which is relieving for me. I wonder wh-
"Whatcha lookin at?" Says a soft voice sitting next to me.
"Jesus Frank I didnt even see you coming!" I exclaim in a harsh whisper.
"One of the advantages of being short," he grins with forced cheerfulness seems.
I haven't really spoken to him in a while ,this is our first time (almost) alone together and he's making such an effort to act normal.
"But I'm already sitting down," I giggle, his upbeat mood is contagious, "How short-"
"Oh shut up," he mocks a pout, crossimg his arms and tucking in his chin, "I didn't even see you at all until now,"
"One if the advantages if being a loser," I accidentally mutter aloud.
"But you're not Gee, you're amazing," Suddenly he faulters realizing his mistake "I mean, like-not uh-amazing like- god damn it, you know what I mean," His eyes are wide and terrified, there's a slight blush on his cheeks. I can't help thinking how adorable he is.
I nod becasue I do know. He almost complimented me, what a mistake that was. But I secretly wish it wasn't.
I open my mouth and the words fall out as if on their win accord "I wish-"
that our circumstances were different. That you were just some gorgeous stranger I met in a coffee shop. I wish I could have a chance to make a hood first impression cuz you wouldn't know who I am. That we could laugh over cappuccinos and exchange numbers. That we could meet up at my cramped apartment and I would spend hours beforehand fussing over what I should wear. I wish you could softly explain each of your tattoos to me as I sketch tem out with a delicate precision. In wish that we could curl up on your couch and watch Night of the Living Dead and Blade Runner, that we could stau awake hours after they end talking about everything and nothing. I wish I could get to know you all over again, your love for dogs , how you're birthday is on Halloween, the way you treasure your guitar Pansy. I wish I was different. I wish I could let myself fall for you.
"that I could get wasted right now..."I finish longingly.
He smiles and though it doesnt quite reach his eyes there's something genuine about it, "Your wish is my command."

Notes

OK plots starts next chapter I swear I'm sorry it sucks so much I will improve or at least try to. Anyway I've been so busy with school lately so I haven't had time to write sadly. On good news I hope you've all seen Gerard's new video for Millions, its trippy and retro and its like being on a whole lot of good drugs. Plus he's wearing eye-shadow again!! Yay! Anyway thank you so much for reading my shit you're all fantastic fellow killjoys.