Photograph That I Gave You

"How could you rat out on me I thought you understood." "Jesus, Gerard its not like that."
"I trusted you and you've been working with the police this whole time! Frank you can't let them lock me up. I'm doing this for you, to save you." His paranoia is genuine.
"Well, maybe I don't want to be saved!"
"No one really does but you don't get a choice, without me you'll waste away in some shitty hospital with everyone you love watching and knowing there's nothing they can do to help you. Knowing your terminal. You spent most of your childhood in an infermary, do you want to spend the rest of it there too."
His words sting because they're true but I fire right back."It doesn't matter because I'll end up there anyway, next year or fifty years from now. I'm going to die. Maybe before you. Maybe after. And either way is gonna hurt like hell for us but I guess that's why its called falling in love, because there's always the risk of getting hurt."
"It doesn't have to be a risk with me Frank."
"Are you kidding you're like the most risk possible for me! If this doesn't work out do you think we could still be in the band together? My Chemical Romance would break up if we do. We can't do that to Ray and Mikey. Plus I have no idea what my parents will probably disown me if I bring a guy home. Plus you're a serial killer and..."
"I know. " he says it quietly, seriously "I know I don't deserve you. I don't deserve this. But I'm just too god damn selfish Frankie. I won't let you go. But I can keep you safe."
"What?" There's a plummeting feeling in my stomachs.
"I'll leave. I'll run away and never come back." He turns his face away and teardrops splatter on the pavement.
"Gerard no."
"Why? So I can make you babysit me to make sure I don't get wasted and cut my skin to ribbons. Like youve been doing all day? To make sure I don't hallucinate gods of death talking to me and telling me to murder innocent people?" He holds the front of my shirt and stares at me pleadingly "I'm not crazy Frank." I believe him. But I just can't believe his story.
"Okay. I'm not looking out for you because I feel I have to. I know you're dangerous, I've seen that. But that hasn't scared me off. I stay with you even after I watched you kill a man in cold blood and cut up his body when you were finished. I put your safety above mine to make sure you're okay. I don't think many people would do that, out if petty obligation."
"I'm not good for you Frank. I'm not just frozen ground, I'm toxic. Nothing good can grow from being around me."
I don't know what he's talking about but it doesn't sound good, "Gerard?" He fixes his desolate hazel eyes upwards, "I'm leaving Frank." "No, no Gerard you can't. I swear I'm not working with the cops, I'm trying to get them off your trail. I'm sorry for not tel-" "It doesn't matter Frankie. That's not why I have to leave." "Then what? Is it me?"
"In...a way. "
"Oh."
He sees my distress and his voice softens. "Hey listen. I have to leave because if I don't, they'll catch me and you'll get blamed for not saying anything. I think they'll be able to piece two and two together. If I leave now they'll follow me. The tour will keep going and you'll all be fine. "
"They'll know it's you."
"That's okay." "Not for me. Not for anyone. Not for Mikey. People can't know what you've done."
"What's wrong Frankie? Ashamed of my work." He says dryly. I scowl, "Don't pretend you enjoy this I know you don't."
"Do you? Cuz I sure fucking don't." He raises his voice and it cracks as he does so.
I hug him tightly "Don't go. Just wait OK, wait til things calm down a bit. At least a week."
"F-Frankie I'm scared." It was easy before, before I had to explain myself to anyone. Before I had to convince anyone. Now I'm not so sure what's important anymore and its scaring me. I'm scaring me. "
Suddenly I feel small. Like so much shouldn't be in my hands and I say the idea as it comes to me, "I think you should tell Mikey."
"Are you insane?! OK poor choice of words but, I told you, since I'm going to die I'd like the be remembered as the pathetic but harmless emo fuck up. No someone who killed his friends."
"He didn't ever talk to the guys from blood on the dance floor."
"That doesn't matter. When you die suddenly everyone's your friend. Well...at least that's what I thought, turns out there's only about 20 people who will care. And only like five stick around for more than 72 hours."
"Maybe if you took a moment out of your busy schedule of feeling sorry for yourself you could see how much it does hurt those people, especially the ones who stick around." I snap hurtly.
"I can't. Because if I do I'll have to face all the fact that I've caused that for so many people. By killing people who were loved. And I just can't think about that. When I do everything falls apart inside. Its too much. I have to shut it off. Just shut it all off."
I brush the black hair away from his face. "Maybe its time you stop." I kiss him and he let's me for a while until he insists "I can't Frankie. For other serial killer, its easy for them. They don't have to stop thinking about what their victims are feeling, what their family will feel after. They don't have to. Because they were born without a conscience, without empathy. I don't have that. I don't even fit in with the other homicidal maniacs. It weighs on my mind every time I forget to block it out. I have these floodgates in my head that have to last until I finish this, until I hold up my end of the deal." "Fuck that god damn deal!" My words tumble out louder than they should be.
"No." He blinks back tears, "Okay no. Listen, it doesn't matter because only I get to decide if I back out of this deal or not. Only I decide if you live or die. And if you don't let me continue then I might as well kill you right now because no matter what your death will be on my conscience. "
"Wait-what?"
"Don't pretend you don't get it Frank!" And next thing I know he has me pressed up against the wall in a way that isn't seductive at all (no really). His hazel eyes are scattered. The knife is cool against my temple and his hand is hot on my throat. I cough when I try to yell. I don't know what I was going to say "stop" or even "help me". It's a cloudy day but still I feel a bead of sweater pouring down my neck. Why the hell hasn't anyone wondered by yet? I guess we are parked at the rather outskirts of the tour. Still though. It's like they know something violent and personal is happening and they should just stay away.
I know he won't hurt me. I know that. Well at least I think I know that... He turns his face away from me, eye brows drawn into a frown his adorable nose scrunched up and eyes closed like he's bracing for impact or something. But what? There's cold pressure. Then pain, and warm blood dripping into my eyelashes.
Oh.
The knife clatters to the ground along with a little piece of my trust.
"Gerard..."
He's just standing there rigid his fingers splayed so far apart its like he's afraid contact will set off an explosion because of what he did. Of what that hand did. He sways slightly saying something but I can't quite hear him. My ears are buzzing with adrenaline. He hurt me. He actually hurt me. OK. Ok... Suddenly I feel that much closer to being another victim. He doesn't think he has a choice anymore so he'll feel like it's not his decision. That's why he can hurt me.
Heh, I always secretly dreamed of having a boy so in love with me he can't control himself. This isn't exactly what I had in mind. I decide to ask him a very direct question, see how far gone he really is.
"Gerard, have you ever thought... Maybe this isn't all completely....real?"
He pauses entirely. Shifts from one foot to the other. I don't think it's a question he doesn't want to answer but a question he doesn't have the answer to at all. His discomfort is contagious and I soon find myself scuffing my converse on the pavement. Finally he just avoids the query altogether and I let him. We go back inside but I'm barely through the door when I have to leave again. The space feels horribly confined. Or maybe there just isn't enough between me and Gerard. I never would gave guessed how dangerous getting close to him would be.

Notes

So long...I know.