Ever since I was able to tell someone everything going on in my head has seemed to ease. I'm so fucking happy. I shouldn't be allowed to be this happy.
We creep back into the tour and find our bus. Since neither of us were intelligent enough to bring a key we rap on the door quietly. There's no answer and when we press on it the door swings open. Bob, Ray and Mikey aren't there, which is odd but also very relieving. They left the bus unlocked which isnt a big deal, we do it all the time since we really have nothing worth stealing. No one messes us on tour anyway ,at least not since we told them we're from Jersey.
Omce we're sure the coast is clear, I pin him up against the door and his hands slide under my shirt. I can feel his heart pounding against mine. Its funny, how close passion can feel to murder. I lock the door.
We kick our shoes off and I throw my sweater to the floor. And all the years of sexual tension explodes. We fall back on the couch in a tangle of limbs and mouths and adrenaline and face it a little bit of trauma. I plant whispering kisses all the way up the scorpion on his neck, along that fucking gorgeous jawline. He let's out a moan and next thing I know he's straddling me and pulling me up by the collar of my shirt to meet his mouth. Our affection is almost violent with passion. His hands strokes my hair like the strings of a guitar. I bite his lip ring like I've seen him do so many times before and his tongue paints the prettiest picture on the roof of my mouth. We only break apart for air. Oops, there's goes Franks shirt. I run my hands over his tattooed chest, tracing along the thick lines.
"Wait," I hold his hips and look up the landscape of inked skin to his flushed face, considering his reservations. "Too fast?" He grins at me with light behind his eyes, "Too fast."
We're a collision of heat and hands were they shouldn't be. My lips kiss every inch of skin I can find because damn he is so beautiful all over. Just as things are really escalating he begins to clumsily unbutton my shirt.
"Frank," I pant. "Gerard," he sings working on the third button.
"No, Frank," I repeat more urgently. But its too late, I hear the sharp in take off breath as he gets his first view of my scar laced torso. I know what he's seeing, some faded and faint, others swollen and red, a few probably infected, some are long others are longer.
"Gerard," he repeats forlornly.
I run my hair through "Yeah I know, its disgusting. I've ruined everything again." I gently push him off me so we're shooting side by side.
"No," he lifts my chin with his hand, "No, don't say that."
"Fuck, but I have and I will always ruin everything, because I'm not perfect like you I'm fucking broken."
"Gerard Arthur Way, you are not perfect, because you are beautiful."
"We can't do this, I'm too much of a danger- "
"Get over yourself and just fucking listen to meYou scared me Gee, I'm not gonna lie you really did but...I still trust you. Its ridiculous but I know you don't mean to do this. I mean," he rubs the back of his neck nervously "You've made horrible mistakes but that isn't who you are. I know who you are and I want to help you through this. And if you Because I'm not sure why but I'm still in love with you. Even now I'm still in love with you. So if you won't let yourself get close to me for your sake then do it for mine. Please don't keep us apart, it isn't helping anyone."
"I love you so much.And I never thought you might even vaguely feel the same. That's why I tried so hard to stop myself but I can't. I can't stop thinking about you. Can't stop joking around with you. Can't stop flirting with you. I don't jist need you I want you. I'm scared when you're gone. There isn't much I'm afraid of anymore but loosing you is one of them. "
That makes him smile, "Come on, let's get some sleep."
We get off the couch and walk to the back of the bus, deciding we should sleep in Franks bunk. His isn't covered in comics and empty coffee cups. My clothes are still stained in blood so I excuse myself to go change and wash them clean. I find my skeleton pajama's and change into them in the kitchen, careful to keep my scar riddled body out of sight. Using cold water and soap I scrub the deep red evidence out of the black material. Leaving them draped over the counter to dry I go back to bed. Frank appears to be asleep already so I awkwardly sit crosslegged on the end of the bed and get out my sketchpad.
The lighting is dim but I can still barely see the thick pen lines I'm cutting the pure white of the paper with. Eventually I render a quick sketch of the man from earlier, just distinct enough so I can identify him when I need to but no one else.
I hear an amused laugh and look around immediately. Frank has twisted over to see me and now he's just laughing to himself.
"What?" I ask.
"Nothing its just, your the terrifying slasher everyone's searching for. And your wearing a fucking skeleton onsie. " He giggles.
The side of my mouth pulls up in some form of smiling. "Whatever, are you sure you want me sleeping next to you?"
"I said I trust you," he replies nonchalantly. But there's a slight hesitation.
"Good, then you'll trust me to sleep in another bunk. "
"How does that involve more trust?" I pause before I say it. "Closer to the knives." I catch a glimpse of fear in his eyes not quite covered up by a forced laugh. I've found my boundary and climb into the adjacent bunk.
"Where are the guys?" I ask thinking about the safety of the three other people that matter in my life.
"I don't know, I'm sure they're fine," he says relaxedly.
"Yeah, they're fine." I agree more to assure myself then him.
"Hey Gee?"
"Yeah?"
"Uh, goodnight."
"Night." I consider adding more but I hesitate too long so it would be awkward if I do. There's a long pause so I figure he must be asleep anyway.
"Hey Gee?"
I smile into the night, "Yeah?"
"I'm cold."
Unable to resist, I climb down and slide into bed beside him.iHe lies as close to me as possible without actually touching me.
"Hey Gee?"
"Yeah?"
"Are you confused at all?"
"Yeah, are you?"
"Yeah.....what do we do?"
"Stick with what you're sure of I guess."
"Well, that's good. I knew there must have been a reason I invited you beside me."
"I thought you were cold."
"Are you kidding, it's like the fucking Sahara in here."
I giggle at that, "I love you."
"I love you too."
With a lingering smile I press a pillow over my head. Without it I can't ever get to sleep. Maybe its less sleep and more oxygen deprivation. Whichever one I soon loose conciousness.

---

I wake up in a cold sweat not too much later. Startled from my sleep by a particularly disturbing nightmare. I curl up further into my protective layers of blankets muffling my choked breathing. Then I realize something. Frank isn't beside me.

Notes

I don't know why its been so long I wrote this a while ago I've just been stressing over my spoken word, I have a slam soon and I suck lol. Anyway thanks so much for sticking around, you're the best, keep it ugly beautiful killjoys