Photograph That I Gave You

...For me," I fall back against the wall. "Its my fault," I whisper shockedly. I think I'm going to be sick. Gerard didn't do this without a reason. Its me. I'm his reason.
"No,no, no, don't you dare say that. "
"But it is." I stumble forward and cling onto some rakes for support. "Because you never would have made that deal if you didnt thin- if I wasnt about to die."
"Nothing is your fault. I did it, and I have to keep doing it. I made this deal in a moment of weakness and now I'm stuck. I hate myself for it. I hate ripping these people apart but there's no way out. " There is such desolation and regret in hus voice. And as I look into his eyes I realize this isn't some cold blooded killer, this is Gee, sweet twisted Gee. And I have to help him. Help him get out of this mess.
I don't know if I believe his story but I know he believes it, wholeheartedly. He thinks its all real. He must have been thinking about me when he swallowed all those pills. Secretly I'm flattered that he was worrying about what my future is going to even if he intended to not be a part of it. But this worrying is what must have made him hallucinate seeing my death in a year. I'd be lying if I said I wasnt flirting with him whenever we were together. The thought of me somehow twisted his dying mind and now its my responsibility to fix this.
I turn to face him. "Then just don't do it. Why don't you just stop? Screw the deal."
"I can't. " he says hopelessly, almost annoyedly.
"Yes you can," I urge him, "I know you can."
" No, I can't. If refuse to hold up my end, hell can use my body to complete my task. I wouldn't be in control and I could kill anyone. "
"Isn't that what you already do?! Wouldn't you prefer not being responsible for murdering these innocent people?" "They never used to be innocent. It didn't start out this way. I would take my time, go into the crime ridden parts if cities. Find people who deserve to die, well deserve to more than others. The rapists and murderers, I would just kill them. But there's now there's no time for that. I was given only 365 days to kill 100 people. And now..." He chokes up. "I might have even less."
I frown slightly "Why?"
"I have death inside me. I've had it for a long time, this parasite. I found out a was to weaken it but only temporarily. But that's why I'm rushing. If I die before I finish this, there won't have been a point to any of it. I need to do this for you before I d-"
"Don't talk like that ok. I'm not worth it. I'm not worth one life let alone a hundred. I'm no one."
"You're worth a thousand to me," he whispers and it makes my heart flutter. "You're worth the world to me." Until I remember what he's actually talking about. How can he make mass murder still sound sweet?
But wait, what did he just say?
"You said you found a temporary cure, what are you talking about?"
He blushes fiercely, "Oh, uh it's nothing. It might not work for other people."
My curiosity turns to concern, "Gerard, just tell me."
With an expression beyond ashamed he slowly rolls up his sleeve. From the shoulder to wrist is coated in thin angry looking red scars. They line his arm in a frantic disarray like he was trying to play the violin with a blade and his skin. He's scaring me again but in a different way, I trail my fingers over them gingerly. They're the proof of hours of pain and that makes me wish I hadn't seen them but I prefer knowing than being ignorant.
"Is there any more?"
He shrugs, "When I see it, I cut it out of me."
Oh god, he's not just a danger to others he's a danger to himself. I swallow and gently pull his sleeve back over the marks. "You can see it?"
He nods, "Only what's inside me. Its kind of a thick black liquid that creeps through your veins. I don't know if other people can see the darkness of death in their veins."
"So what now? " he keeps his gaze glued to the floor. "Are you going to report me to the police?"
I ponder this for a long minute. The answer is so obvious, it's just the right thing to do. He can't hurt anyone, including himself if he's locked up. But when I try to imagine him in a straight jacket, the thought feels so wrong. Nothing about Gerard has even been very straight. And if they lock him away, I won't be able to see him again and the notion makes me want to scream. "No."
He smiles. And that one action makes the decision feel right. There must be something very wrong with me. In movies is always so simple, so black and white. There's good and evil. But it seems in reality it's so much more complex than that. Because we're all just human and we make horrible mistakes. I know murder is wrong. I guess that makes love even worse. "Thank you so much Frankie. But don't worry I'm not going unpunished. I keep myself miserable. I don't sleep unless its having a nightmare, I don't eat except what I have to to survive. I've stopped doing all my hobbies, well I do draw but only the souls I've collected so far, its my way of keeping track no one suspects it. And I keep cutting even when there's no more darkness so believe me I'm not enjoying this I'm suffering every minute to remind myself I should have stayed dead," he seems genuinely cheery as he says this and it breaks my heart.
I give him a crooked smirk, "I could never have you arrested Gee. You know what they do to guys like us in prison."
He laughs that adorable feminine laugh but just for a second.
"I don't like doing this," he continues suddenly serious. "I hate it. I hate it so much. I hate myself so much. I want everyone else to hate me too, except... Except for you though... I can't seem to stop myself from trying to get you to like me..." he admits sheepishly.
"Well you sure did a good job. Even when I find out you're a serial killer I still have a fucking huge crush on you." I mutter nervously under my breath "Do you know what a task it is to be in love with someone who hates themself? "
Shockedly he whispers back, "I love you too."
And all the butterflies in my stomachs take flight and I don't fucking care what he's done or what's wrong with him he's beautiful and imperfect and I am absolutely in love with him. "I-I'm serious though, " I stutter feeling more myself than I have in a long time, "I have to make up for the lack of love you have for yourself and then there's the constant worrying about if you're gonna commit suicide. You're really a pain Gerard."
He laughs and rolls his eyes, "As much as I want to and even though I get very close sometimes I can't. If I did I would have you cremate the body so hell can't use me to finish the deal. I've thought about that a lot," he plays with his hair anxiously, "But whenever I do I get an awful feeling and I have to stop. It gets worse every time. This hell needs me to finish the deal and I don't know what will happen if death consumes me before then but I know it will be horrible, I can feel that. Even now. " Pain and horror flash across his face and he shuts his eyelids tightly, gripping onto his black hair with shaking fists. His breathing is ragged. I wonder about how many times he must have thought about suicide for it to be this bad. Tentively, then with more confidence I wrap my arms around him and hold tightly. He buries his head in my shoulder and I notice with amusement he has to bend over to do.
"I'll never let them hurt you," I promise.
"Its not me I'm worried about."
"Shut up." I say softly.
"Hey Frank?" He asks face still pressed into the striped grey fabric of my shirt.
"Yeah?"
"When I die-"
"Shut up."
"No please. When I die, because I will soon, don't... Don't tell Mikey what I did. He....he doesn't have much and I'd like him to remember me as the older brother that he knew. Not...not this."
I want to protest but instead I say quietly, "OK. It'll be light out soon. Let's go home. " "He nods and pulls away from me. We both grab a knife off the floor and check outside the shed. There doesn't seem to be anyone around to see us so we sneak out and run all the way out of the subdivision onto main street.
As we walk back to the tour arms around each others waists I mutter, "Y'know Gee? I kinda like your reason. I-I mean I'm just glad your not a psychopath. Well at least not technically." "Things would all be a lot easier if I was," he sighs.
On impulse I turn and kiss him briefly "This wouldn't be." "Frank Iero," he grins, "You're the only person that makes me want to keep my conscience."
"Well I'm honoured," I smile and kiss him again. Lingering this time, with more passion. Just standing recklessly in the middle of the empty sidewalk. Despite all of our circumstances just letting ourselves enjoy each others company. I never would have guessed at the beginning of night that I would end up making out with a serial killer. Sure it's fucked up, but I just can't fucking help it. I'm an idiot and in love.

Notes

As always sorry for any spelling errors. Who's fucking pumped for Halloween!!?!?