Mixed drinks

walking,
its dark.
lights ahead of me getting farther away each time i take a step.
confused.
stops walking.
the lights turn off and im left with my eyes trying to adjust to the darkness.
silence.
feeling presence beside me.
sees no one.
whispers. cant understand what their saying.
scared.
close my eyes.
faces.
parents fill my view with those disappointed looks.
opening my eyes.
gerard.
in front of me.
his eyes arent welcoming
i walk towards him.
he moves back.
parents appear again.
people.
grabbing.
ripping.
apart me.
gerards not doing anything.
terrified.
tears.
more tears.
drowning..

________


I jump awake sobbing.
I look around.
Gerard's here sleeping beside me.

I try ridiculously hard to calm my breathing.
Well, i failed. I should feel better but i dont. That dream had to mean something.
My parents were in it for fuck sakes. They've never been in my dreams since i was still in their household.

I try to lay it out until i think about the nightmare i had.
I had such a wonderful morning. Why the fuck is this happening?
Gerard's gonna leave like my parents right? Is that what my dreams are trying to tell me?
I get up off the bed looking back at the passed out Gerard still curled up in his white sheets.
Tears start to roll down my cheeks again.
Fuck you heart for getting so attached.
fuck you,

I walk into the kitchen, picking up my -gerards- jacket and sliding it on my body. Quietly leaving his house and heading towards what i believe where Bert must be or usually hangs around there, the bar.

Walking past the gas station where i once bought cigarettes and then stalking gerard.
i shake my head willing that thought away.

---

Its cold and im sad.
I jut want Gerard's arms to wrap around me.
my brain's telling me to go back.
but i need my fix. im fucked up but thats okay.
Shaking now from the cold.
I forgot to check the time when i left but by the looks of the sky it seems to be around 4am.

Looking for my phone then remembering i left it on the side table of the bed.
I curse under my breath still walking.
Then, i bump into someone. Before i even get to look up im getting squeezed to death
"Frank fucking Iero" I know that voice all too well
I dont feel like fighting im too sad. too tired. too cold.
"Leave me alone please" I mutter
Pete pushes me to the ground.
I look up at him then the area. Im at the bar.
Smiling.
"Why the fuck are you smiling? Gerard's not here to come save your ass" He spits
"But wasnt i the one who had to get carried away from you?" I say attempting to get up
He pushes me back down. Kicks me in the ribs hard. I scream.

More kicks and i cant even try to stand up without pain striking up my body.

"What the fuck are you doing punk?" A loud voice rips through my ears

my eyes are closed but i hear Pete's body crash beside me.
Suddenly i get picked up.
I yell in pain as the stranger tries to place me on my feet.
I open my eyes to look at whoever is holding me
"Bert?" my voice is raspy from crying and yelling
"Hey.. im going to carry you okay? so im sorry if i cause any pain" He whispers
I nod.

So much pain its unbearable and i start to cry again.
"Oh shit" Bert says finally picking me up.
I push my face into his chest just sobbing.
From feeling physical and emotional pain.

----------

Suddenly i get sat on a toilet seat.
"What are you doing on this side of town baby?" Bert sits in front of me
"I was actually looking for you to uhm.." I put my head down
Bert looks at me getting me to continue.

"Get my f-fix.. god im such a fuck up"

"No you arent! Did something happen with gerard?" He asks moving closer

"n-not really i mean.. i had a dream and it literally fucked me up.. i had to leave his place and find you"

Tears were starting to fill in my eyes and i wiped them away quickly
Bert was hugging me tight but gently because of my ribs.
"What do you want? pot, crack .. lsd" Bert whispered the last part
Lsd. Thats what Bert got me in and out of.

"Crack and pot?" I ask unsure if i can pick two.

"Sure uhm yeah just stay here okay? i'll be right back okay?"

I nod smiling.

_____________

Bert gets back an hour later looking really worried
my eyes are half lidded hence how tired i am.
"Oh my god im so sorry hun" He says taking out stuff
I open my eyes fully to see what he's taking out.
Pills, powder, herbs, pipes, lighters, razors, dollar bills.
I try to sit next to him but i wince from my bruised chest.
"No no no stay there okay"

Bert gets the pot in the pipes and puts one of them to my mouth.
He lights and i suck all the smoke into my lungs.
exhaling already feeling the effects.

Next crack. Bert gets the razor putting the powder into small lines. He gives me the dollar bill. I rolled it up. I lent down over the lines and stuck one end of the dollar up my nose.
I took a huge breath and sucked one of the lines up in my first hit.

A few minutes later, my pain went away. Well atleast the physical pain. I was still sad but not as much.

"I better go" I whispered after a few more hits

Bert looked up, bloodshot eyes and smiled

"Come back soon okay? I missed you"

I hugged him and walked casually outside where Pete was sat on the ground looking at me shocked.

____________


I had no clue where to go though. Everything was doubled and i kept hearing echoes.
I started walking across the street. There was a lot of traffic but did i care? No. Why would i care? if people didnt want to hit me theyd stop so im fine.

I managed to get by the cars and into what appears to be a park? I ran to it tripping over a curb and smashing my face on the pavement. I couldnt move now. I didnt feel the impact but everything went black and i lost breath.

________


I was getting shaken awake and i open my eyes still going through the effects of the drugs i used not too long ago. But something was wrong. I tasted blood and i dont remember getting beat up after i left the bar. I heard faint yelling but i couldnt understand the words.
"Frank" someone whispered.
my name was being whispered 4 more times before i got to really answer
I stared at the person above me and then the image crossed my head
Gerard.
I lost my breath again and Gerard picked me up quickly and got me into his car.

I swear to god i closed my eyes for 4 seconds and when i opened them i was in a hospital bed connected to machines.
I looked to my right and Gerard was sitting in a chair with his face in his hands.

"Whats wrong?" I whispered

Gerard shot his head up and looked at me.
I saw tears falling from his eyes. I wonder why he was crying?
"Did you have a nightmare? cause i did and left your house but i still dont understand how i ended up here-"
He shook his head
I smiled

"You have such pretty eyes" I said
I saw Gerard's fists clench and i furrowed my eyebrows

"I thought you fucking died, why the fuck did you think doing crack was a good idea" He nearly yelled

"Oh, you missed a couple other parts. i got beat up by pete but its okay because i dont feel pain" I said

Gerard walked over to my bed and pressed the 'emergency doctor call' button and a loud siren went off in the room.

"I'll see you tomorrow okay" Gerard leaned down and kissed me then left.
Well what the fuck?


____Day Later____


I wake up slowly to Bert's face.

I look around confused.

I'm in a hospital? Did i walk here after i like got murdered by Pete or.

I start to panic. Where's Gerard? Maybe i should call him to tell him that im here and safe.

"I gotta call Gerard!" I yell at Bert
Bert looks taken back.

"Shit you got fucked up didnt you?"

I tilt my head to the side.

"I mean, i was looking for you but then Pete started beating me up" I tell him everything

Bert touches me face sighing.
"You don't remember anything?"

"What do you mean?" This cant be good

"You asked for some cocaine and well.. you took a lot. I didnt stop you because i knew you were in pain" Bert said

I stare at him. Laughing aftrwards
"Bullshit! Are you serious?" I laugh
"Well yeah.. Fuck you took so many hits, left, broke more ribs. Im so sorry Frank"

I shake my head

"No but what about Gerard.. He doesnt like me does he.. Ohh god he left didn't he?!" I start trembling now

"Aw shit. He didnt leave" Bert said smiling

I shake my head crying

"I miss him so much" I look at the ceiling
"Okay okay hold on okay?" Bert says leaving the room and talking to a nurse

I look out the window from my bed. Im up really far from the ground. I wonder how birds feel up there. I look at the needles stuck in my arms then at the window. Is this what living feels like?
I get up. Pain everywhere. but i get up on the ground walking towards the window.

Soon i feel lightheaded. I look back at my arms and most of the needles fell out. I look at my heart rate and its low, i take a minute to listen to the beeps and there at least 2 minutes off.
I fall to my knees.

Where's Gerard? Why did i leave the house? Why did i get my fix?
I start crying really loud ripping everything that was connected to me out of my body.

The siren sounds and i mentally think 'oh shit'

Nurses come running in, I see Bert following looking guilty.

They drag me to the bed re connecting me to things. I struggle against them though. Throwing the needles on the ground.

"Frank i know youre scared but we're helping you alright?" One of the medics say
"No itd be better if you stop wasting your time and let me get out of this place" I cry

Bert puts one hand over his mouth and walks out of the room.

I give in when he leaves.


_______________


i dont stop crying when i wake up.
I'm strapped to the bed when i opened my eyes.

One of the nurses come in giving me a quick smile then it fades to more of a concerned look.

"He's not coming is he?" I hate my voice when it shakes

But before i think twice, Gerard walks in with a white blanket.

I cry harder and thats when he looks at me.

"Told you id come back"

No. What? When did he come see me?

"w-when?" I ask shocked

"yesterday?"

"Oh..i thought i came to the hospital today" I admit while tears flow down my face

"Do you l-like me still?" I ask hopfully

Gerard laughs a little pulling a chair up beside my bed.

"Of course hun, i was just worried thats all" He smiles taking off the bed straps

I widen my eyes as he does so.
"You'll get in trouble" I say

"doing what? Making sure my friend's okay?"
My heart breaks a little at the word 'friend'

Gerard climbs in the hospital bed with me and pulls the white blanket he brought over us.
I rest my head on his chest and he takes my hand in his.

"I went to work today"
"Really?"
"Yeah i got excited when i got to the elevator but then remembered you weren't going to show up.. Just shows how much i cant stand being apart from you" He whispers rubbing his thumb over my palm.

"Im such an idiot" I huff
Gerard looks down at me and questions why i would say that.
"I can barely walk now, i have to wait like a month and im going to get so sexually frustrated" I say without thinking then covering my mouth afterwards

"Trust me thats gonna bother me too" He laughs hugging me
I wince in pain and he mutters an 'oops'

After a while of us laying together i begin to crave him. But not just his presence.

"Gerard?" I break the silence
"Hm?"
"Lets make out"

"You think thats a good idea?" Gerard laughs raising his eyebrows
"Pleease" I plead rubbing his chest
"Ok fine" He smirks turning on his side so we're in perfect distance.

I lean in and so does he. Our lips meet and we stay like that for a while.
I move my lips. So does he. I push harder. He pushes harder.
"mm" i groan in between
Gerard smiles, bringing me closer

Notes