I looked Ryan in the eyes before pushing away from him. He sighed and looked down at his feet as he moved away from the door so I could leave. I walked back out into the now full stand-in area in front of the stage. I moved around the edge of the room, looking like I was creeping, until I reached the tables. I weaved around them all and sat back down next to Gerard with a huff. He smiled and pulled my chair closer to put his arm around me.

"What took you so long?"Gerard murmered into my ear as I snuggled into his shoulder.
"Ryan was in there and we were um talking."I mumbled against his jacket. I breathed in deeply and got a full whiff of Gerard. It was perfect. He was perfect. My mistake with Ryan was completely stupid and wrong. And I couldnt keep it from him either. Gerard and I were meant for each other and if we were going to make it work, we had to be honest with each other.

"Hey Gerard..."I said quietly. Already I was nervous and sweating.
"Mmm?"
"I need to talk to you... Tonight."I added on the end. I deserved to spend the night in fear and shit.
"Mmkay."He kissed the top of my head and made me shiver,"You okay?"He asked, as I couldnt stop shaking.
"Yeah I just- I'm just tired and- stuff."I muttered and buried myself further into his jacket. I wanted to be as close to him as possible, especially if he might be leaving me tonight.

"I dont mind if we go now. We dont have to play tonight?"Gerard whispered, squeezing my shoulders. He was being so kind and... Gerard. I did not deserve him at all. I was a terrible person.
"Please."I looked up at him and smiled weakly.
"Jesus Frankie, you're so pale."Gerard looked so worried,"Come on, lets get you to bed."

"Sorry guys."I mumbled as Gerard downed the last of his coffee and grabbed his keys.
"Di! We arent playing anymore! Frank's not well!"Gerard called over his shoulder as he took my hand and entwined our fingers.
"Feel better soon Frank."Di smiled sadly at me as we passed the counter.
"Dont worry, I'll still be here tomorrow."I waved at her as we went through the door.

"So how do you feel, like, what sort of sickness?"Gerard grabbed my face and scanned it.
"Uh... I- I'm not sure... I just feel like- horrible. Like a terrible person."I muttered the last part under my breath.
"What? I didnt quite catch that."Gerard let go and pulled me into him.
"Dont worry. Lets just get home."I sighed. I at least wanted to be home before he raged at me.

-time lapse-

"I love you Frank. Sleep tight."Gerard whispered in the dark and kissed . I clamped my eyes shut to get rid of the tear which was a big mistake because it slowly slid down the side of my face and dropped onto Gerards arm which was acting as my pillow.
"What was- are you crying Frank?"Gerard sat up slightly and dabbed at the small teardrop on his arm. I took a deep breath and tried to get a hole of myself.
"No."I said, trying to sound normal but slightly sleepy. Instead my voice wavered then I burst into tears. Fuck.

"Frank what's wrong?"Gerard said urgently and sat up properly. I inched away from him slowly until I was on the very edge of the bed. In the end I tumbled out and onto my feet.
"I'm sorry Gerard."I sniffed as he sat on the edge of the bed.
"Frank, you're really scaring me. Whats wrong?"He asked quietly. He sounded close to fucking tears. He would be crying soon. I was such a bastard.

"Gerard you have to let me explain everything before you say anything okay. I just- I didnt mean for it to happen..."I trailed off and looked away at the wall. The moon was just starting to come out from behind a cloud and was slowly illuminating Gerard, his hair shining brilliantly for someone who just got out of juvie.
"Frankie..."
"Gerard please."I squeezed my eyes shut and counted to five.

"Okay. So. Um. I'm not sure when it started really... I think it was a few days after you went to juvie... The day they played for me. Ryan and Brendon. They sung this song Ryan wrote to me but I think thats when I..."
"When you what?"
"Started getting feelings for Ryan."I let out a breath. I didn't know I had been holding it until then.
"Oh... Is that why you... Why you l-left me?"Gerard's voice was shaking so fucking much and I could tell just how much he was trying not to let it all out.

"N-No. That day was really hard for me because I- I just- It wasn't me. I couldnt control myself it was weird, like, when I said I didn't want to wait all I wanted to do was go back and hug you and tell you that I love you and that I would wait a thousand years if it meant I could be with you. But I didnt. And then next thing I knew I was back home and it was too late."I mumbled. Gerard had barely moved. I couldn't see his face so I didn't know if he was crying yet.

"Go on."He croaked. Okay he was crying. My whole body ached with the need to go and hold him close, to comfort him, make him feel better. But it wouldnt work. I was the one who had caused this pain.
"I uh. Brendon and Ryan had been arguing a lot and um. Then one day, Ryan came to me and asked if he could talk to me so I said okay. And then he wanted me to hide in the bathroom with him from Brendon so I- I did. And then I uh..."I swallowed what felt like the mountain of hay in my mouth and sat down on Lily's bed.

"What did you do?"Gerard said, voice low and dead sounding. He had already guessed. Probably more than what we actually did.
"Well. I-He said that he had a little crush on me as well and I- I told him that I loved you and that we were going to ignore it."I spluttered out, saying it all in a quick rush before I could stop myself,"And then he started complaining about Brendon and how he didnt understand that it was just a stupid crush and that Ryan still loved him and then it just reminded me of you when I thought you didnt understand what I had been going on about with my dream and then I started crying and he like, he did what you did once? He- he wiped them away and then he- I- w-we kissed and it went too far."

Gerard was silent. So very silent. I couldnt even hear him breathe.
"Gerard?"I rasped. My throat was so fucking dry, it hurt. But I didn't care. All I cared about was Gerard,"Gerard say something."
"How far?"He dropped down onto his back and put his hands over his face, scrubbing at it hard.
"I uh-"
"Did you screw him?"Gerard asked angrily. Oh fuck I couldn't handle this.

"No no I just we just suc-"
"He fucking sucked your dick. And you sucked his. Thats just awesome Frank. Just fucking spectacular."Gerard sat up and laughed manically.
"Gerard please I was weak and he-"
"Dont you try and pin this all on him Frank, you played a part in this as well."Gerard sat up and even though it was dark, I could tell he was glaring at me. Tears were trailing down my face and onto my neck, soaking the collar of Gerard's hoodie which somehow, even though I had been wearing it for days on end, still smelt like Gerard. It just made me cry even harder.

"You know, I cant believe you Frank. Whether we had 'broken up' or whatever or not, you still shouldnt have done that because Ryan and Brendon obvi-"Gerard cut off as Lily tumbled into the room.
"Hey guys."Lily groaned as she flopped down onto her bed next to me.
"Hey Lily."I sniffed.
"Hey."Gerard muttered and turned away.

"Oh god you told him didnt you Frank."Lily said into the bed, her voice muffled and distant sounding.
"Y- yeah I did. We'll go downstairs and let you sleep."I patted her back lightly.
"Okay. Dont be too hard on him Gerard. He hasnt been himself lately. Before you went into juvie even."Lily yawned and crawled up her bed to her pillow.
"Lily just shut up."I sighed and got up to leave.
"No I'm serious Frank, You've been really weird and different. Maybe you're possessed."She yawned again.
"No dont worry Frank. I'll just- I've heard all I need to for now. I uh. I'm just gonna go spend the night at Pete's. I'll talk to you tomorrow."Gerard got up.

"A-Are you sure?"I looked at him. I didn't want him to leave.
"Yeah. I just need to think things over."Gerard said as he slowly walked up to me. I looked up into his eyes. It was a difficult thing to tell but I was pretty sure he wasnt crying anymore and looked... Not as upset as I thought he would be?

"O-okay."I whispered and looked down at our feet. They were close together. He was standing so close to me.
"Hey."Gerard whispered and tilted my head up. I felt a surge of hope rise up inside me,"How do you feel about Ryan right now? Honestly."
"I- the feeling is still there but- its like it's been satisfied? Like there was something that made me want him and wouldnt stop til I had him a-and now that I have, its happy. But none of that matters because I love you. Okay? I love you so fucking much it is literally ripping me apart inside to see you like this."I whispered back.
"Kay. Thats all I needed to know."Gerard closed his eyes for a second before leaning down and kissing me lightly and quickly on the cheek then rushing out the door.

I stood there in shock for about five minutes before Lily said,"Frank think about it in bed, its creepy seeing a person standing there."
"Right. Sorry."I muttered and fell down onto my bed. I lay there for two seconds before getting up and into Gerard's bed again. It smelt like him and made me want to cry.
"Frank its going to be okay. He still loves you. You cant fall out of love in two seconds flat."Lily said quietly.
"I- I know he still loves me I just- I hurt him so much."I cried. I wiped away the tears furiously and thumped the bed next to me.

"Frank you just need to-"
"I need to get outside, I need some fresh air. I feel so sick."I coughed as I slid out of bed and stumbled towards the door.
"Frank are you-"
"Fuck I'm gonna be sick."I gasped as I ran to the bathroom.

I got there just in time and hurled into the toilet. Suddenly Lily was next to me, pulling my hair away from my face and stroking my back as I gagged on nothing.
"Of Frank..."She sighed.
"Lily whats happening to me? I dont feel right. At all."I watched as she grabbed a flannel from the bath and wet it with warm water.
"Honestly? I have absolutely no idea."She said as she wiped my face. I snatched it away from her and continued myself.
"I'm fine. Sorry. Just- thanks but you can go to bed okay? I dont want to keep you up."I said as I took my top off and turned on the shower.

"O-Okay... Feel better tomorrow okay Frank?"Lily smiled at me sadly. I nodded then stared at the water circling the drain. Lily shut the door and left me alone. I sighed and shed the rest of my vomit-smelling clothes and got in the shower. The hot water pouring on my back felt good. Like I was washing away everything. Maybe if I stood here for long enough I would. Just watch all my mistakes and stupid stupid thoughts fall down the drain. I mentally slapped myself and had my shower. Tomorrow was going to be a very tough day.