I leaned in and kissed him before looking at him seriously.
"Gerard I have a personal question."I said slowly. He nodded and looked at me seriously. I stared back at him, into his eyes. I just really couldnt fucking get enough of them.

"Well what is it?"Gerard asked me, breaking my concentration on his eyes.
"Oh right sorry. Um yeah... I want to know everything. About you."I whispered softly. He blinked at me once.

"What do you mean exactly?"He asked me slowly.
"I wanna know what your favourite colour is, when your birthday is, what your favourite food is. Everything."I smiled, feeling more confident.

"Okay... My favourite colour is probably red or blue. My birthday is on the 9th of april. My favourite food is probably... Even though I hardly eat there, Taylors spaghetti and meatballs."Gerard smiled.

"Thats cute."I smiled and shifted so I was more comfortable.
"What else do you wanna know?"He asked me.
"Well... A little while ago... I was at music and Mikey was talking to me. He said that he hadnt seen you in a while and stuff which got us talking about you and... I was sort of just asking random questions but a lot of them Mikey couldnt answer... Said I would have to ask you..."I said slowly...

"Questions about what?"He asked me quietly. He wasnt looking at me. He was staring at something behind me.
"Your past... When your nana died... Your mum... Everything."I whispered.

Gerards POV

Where the fuck was I supposed to begin? I lay there and thought back to the day I got home from school with Mikey to find Mum in tears.

*flashback*

"No Mikey give it back!"I cried as I watched Mikey run away with my drawing for Nana. He ran up the path and into the house. I hated him. I ran after him but crashed into him in the doorway to the lounge.
"Mikey come on just give it back."I whined. Mikey still didn't say anything.

"Mikey?"I stepped around him to see what he was looking at. Mum was sitting on the couch. She was staring at the floor and her face was all red. Like when you've been crying for a long time.

"Mummy are you okay?"Mikey ran up to her.
"I- yeah Mikey its okay just- go upstairs and get out of your uniform okay?"Mum sniffed, not looking away from the floor.

Mikey did as she said and went off upstairs, still with my drawing.
"Muuuum Mikey has my drawing for Nana and he wont give it baaack."I whined again and went over to her.

"G-Gerard just go get ready for dinner okay?"She said.
"Mummy whats wrong?"I asked. She was scaring me. She never cried.
"I-its Nana..."She sobbed out suddenly, scaring me even more.

"What? Where is she?"I asked, notcing her absence.
"She- She- shes gone Gerard."Mum whispered.
"Gone where?"I asked, very confused.
"T-to heaven."

"What?"I stared at her in disbelief,"Mummy thats not funny. I'll go find her now and give her my drawing."I said.
"No Gerard just- go- go get Mikey okay."Mum fell back onto the couch properly and stared at the ceiling.

I ran upstairs and into Nanas room. She wasnt in there.
"Mikey!"I yelled and ran into his room.
"What?"He asked me angrily as he cleaned his glasses.
Nans gone to heaven."I informed him, tears forming in my eyes.

"What?"Mikey's head snapped to look at me.
"Come on, Mum needs us."I said, grabbing his hand and tugging him back downstairs.

"Mum... Is it true?"Mikey whispered as we sat on either side of her.
"Yes boys... I'm sorry..."Mum cried silently as we hugged her. She wasnt ever going to get my drawing of us at the park. Ever. I snuggled in closer to Mum and started crying.

*end flashback*

"She's buried with the picture now."I sniffed. Frank was holding my hand with tears in his eyes.
"I'm sorry."He croaked.
"No no its okay it's not your fault."I shook my head at him and wiped away my tears.

"Tell me more..."He said suddenly. I looked at him and smiled. I never talked about this to anybody but suddenly I felt ready to open myself up to him completely. I trusted him.

*flashback*

"Gerard please can we go play in the forest!"Mikey screamed in my ear, tugging on my arm as we marched home from school.
"No screw off Mikey."I grumbled and shook him off of me.
"Ooooh you just told me to screw off I'm telling mum!"Mikey yelled and ran the rest of the way home.

She wouldnt care. I knew we had to be straight home. Mum always wanted us to get home as fast as possible. Mikey hadnt noticed but I had seen her get really jumpy over the past few days. It all started the morning she was reading the mail.

I walked into the house quietly, taking my shoes off by the door.
"Mikey? Mum?"I called into the silence. Where were they? I trudged into the lounge and saw Mikey sitting on the couch reading something that looked like a letter.

"Mikey you shouldn't be reading the mail. Thats for Mum."I said, snatching it out of his hands.
"Its from mum though..."Mikey said, not even complaining about me snatching it.

"Oh..."I said and looked down and started reading:

Dear boys,

I am so so sorry for doing this to you but I cant go on. If I did I would only be giving you a life you did not deserve. I love you with all my heart and I will always be proud of you no matter what. Be good boys and try not to fight so much. Once you have both read this, call the police. They will help you. I love you lots my sweethearts,

Mum.

I put the paper down and stared at it.
"What does it mean?"Mikey asked me. He still couldnt read very well even though he was only one year younger than me.

"It means she is- gone like Nana..."I mumbled.
"But- no!"Mikey screamed at me. He snatched the paper off the ground and ran off. I sat down on the floor and stared. Like Mum had when Nana had died. This wasn't fair....

"This isn't fucking fair!"I sobbed.

*end flashback*

"That was the first time I had ever sworn."I smiled slightly at the thought.
"Bit of a horrific moment."Frank smiled.
"Oh well. There wasn't anyone there to tell me off so its all alright."I said as Frank snuggled into the crook of my arm.

"You've had it pretty rough I guess..."Frank mumbled as I stroked his gorgeous soft hair.
"I spose so... I always get that selfish feeling though whenever I think that cause you know, all the starving people and diseases and whatnot."I said.

It was true. Everytime I felt depressed about my life I would feel worse over the fact that I am actually quite lucky.
"Gerard your Nana died because of one of those diseases. Then your mum killed her- was murdered by a mad man. You have every right to be upset over your life from time to time."He assured me. I smiled at him. He was being so great.

"Is there anything else major that happened?"Frank asked me softly.
"Well... I almost went the same way as Mum."I muttered, hoping he hadn't heard me.
"Well I already know that."Frank smiled up at me.

"What? How? When? Did Mikey tell you? Ugh I'm gonna kill him."I growled. Mikey wasn't supposed to have told anyone the bastard.
"Aye? No I was- there?"Frank looked at me like I was insane. Great.

"Wait what are you talking about?"He asked me.
"Uhh you say first."
"Well Dean almost killed you didn't he. You almost died from blood loss Gerard... Are you okay?"He sat up and scanned my face with those gorgeous eyes.

"Ohhhh I wasn't talking about that."I laughed slightly although what I was about to tell him was no laughing matter.
"Aye? What were you talking about?"Frank looked so confused it was adorable.

"I almost shot myself. When I was 15. Thankfully Mikey stopped me."I watched for his reaction but he didn't seem to have one. He was just sort of staring.

"Keep going."He said quietly. I took a deep breath in and started to recount the darkest dday of my life.

*flashback*

"Oh fuck."I coughed out as my pen ran out. Jesus christ. Everything just kept going fucking wrong didn't it? I couldn't even write a fucking suicide note without it fucking up. I sighed and threw the pen onto the table.

I stared around the room. Petes house was always messy but right now it had never been messier. It was so cluttered. If I stared too long it would start swallowing me up completely and strangling me. I blinked and looked back down at the note.

Mikey I'm sorry. I'm the shittiest brother ever so just forget about me. Most people have anyway so ther...

That's when it had started running out. Fucking hell I sucked at this. I groaned and ran my hands through my greasy hair. Mikey would be home soon and I needed to be done and gone before that happened.

I ran out of the lounge and down the hallway into the my bedroom. I spotted my bag sitting against the foot of my bed and grabbed it. I looked down at my watch. 3:15. Mikey would be here with Pete in about ten minutes.

I rummaged around in my bag with shaking fingers, taking care not to set off the gun, and found a pen. I scribbled down the rest of the note stating what I was gonna do and stared. I was actually going to go through with this. I was ending my fucking life. If you could even call it a life.

I was wasting time. I shouldered my bag and fucking ran. Everything was blurring past me as I sped around the corner and, fuck, bashed into Mikey.

"Gerard! What the fuck dude?"He grumbled and righted himself.
"Oh hey Mikey..."I stuttered. I was edgy, jumpy and fucking stuttering. I needed to calm down or he would know something was wrong.

"Where are you going? Why are you running?"Mikey asked as I took a deep breath.
"I uh I just um wanted to run... You know, had a lot of energy... Uhh um one of my mates gave me some stuff."I gritted out through my teeth.

"Oh right... Where are you going?"Mikey looked away. He never liked me taking drugs but right now it was my best excuse.
"Uh I was gonna go to the um ah The Magic Bean."I said before I blurted out what I was actually going to do and where I was going.

"Oh okay... Be careful okay? Dont be long, Mrs Wentz wants your help with dinner tonight."Mikey said, stepping to the side so I could start running>

"I love you Mikey."I mumbled. I pulled him into a quick hug, squeezing him for the last time ever."
"Uh I love you too?"Mikey stared at me as I started walking away, my shoulders hunched over.

I looked behind me and saw Mikey running towards the Wentz's house. Shit. I started running again and before long the house came into view. I stopped in front of it and stared. There was a new family in there. Fuck it, I was gonna die anyway, I may as well go inside before hand.

I walked up to the front door and knocked.
"Hello? Can I help you?"A woman in her thirties answered the door.
"I uhm... God this is embarrassing. Can I please use your bathroom?"I stammered out.

"Oh of course sweet, come in."She smiled and opened the door wider. I stepped in and breathed in deeply. It smelt exactly the same. Transporting me back to the day Mikey and I found we were alone.

"Its just up the stairs and the first door on the left."She smiled and pointed up the stairs. I nodded and started padding up the stairs slowly. I got to the top and looked down. None of the furniture here had been ours. It was a furnished rented house. These people had the same furniture. Fuck it was chilling.

I started down the hallway but didn't even bother going into the bathroom. I went straight to where my old room was. They had turned it into a gym. I walked in and looked around. There was a patch on the wall from when I had kicked a hole in the wall the week after Nana's funeral.

"Excuse me? But this isn't the bathroom."The woman said behind me, making me jump,"If you're here to pocket stuff then you've got another thing coming to you. In fact let me see your bag."She marched over to me and before I could stop her she had my bag in her hands and was rummaging through it.

"Be careful!"I yelled and yanked it out of her hands. Too late. She had seen it. She stared at me, her eyes wide.
"I- What-"
"I'm not gonna hurt you. I just- there is one bullet and its for fucking me. I just wanted to see the place I grew up in before I went through with it."I tried to calm her down but it just made her worse.

"You mean you're gonna k-kill yourself?"She whispered.
"Yes. And you cant stop me."I said. I grabbed the gun out and, to my disgust, aimed it at her.
"No what are you doing?"She back away from me.
"Are you gonna let me go?"I glared at her, ignoring the pain of what I was doing.

"I- No- Yes okay just- I cant-I dont-"She moved out of my way completely and I left her stuttering on the landing. That had taken too fucking long. I rushed downstairs and stopped at the lounge. There were too little boys playing with some trains.

"Who is that?"The smaller of the two asked the other. I turned and fled. Out the front door. Down to the end of the street. Into the forest. I had only ever made this trek once but I remember the way clearly.

I stopped by the tree marked with the love heart I had made and stared. This was where they had found her. Lying at the foot of the tree. The police had shown us where they found her but for some dumb fucking reason they hadn't told us how she had died.

"Okay... This is it. I can do this. Its all thats left to do."I whispered to myself and raised the gun to my head. It was cool against my temple, shaking violently in my hands.

"GERARD WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"Someone screamed behind me. Fucking hell. I turned around to see Mikey running up to me.
"Stop! You cant stop me Mikey this was always gonna fucking happen and you know it!"I yelled, tears leaking down my face.

"Gerard please."He came to a stop a few steps away from me.
"No Mikey. There is nothing left for me here okay? It fucking sucks! Nothing here is fucking good!"I screamed at him.

"What about me Gerard? Do you seriously wanna do that to me? Dont you care about me the tiniest bit at lease?"He sniffed. My arm faltered slightly as I looked at him.

"Gerard... Do you have any idea what you would do to me if you pull that trigger? Nana died when I was fucking 7. Mum killed herself right where you are fucking standing a year later. You really wanna take the last of my family away from me? You want to leave me alone?"He whispered.

"You have Pete... I have no one."I scrunched my eyes up, squeezing out the last of my tears.
"Gerard... Pete will never be my brother... You know that right?"Mikey made me open my eyes and fuck he was right there.

"Mikey please just go. I need to do this okay?"I took a step away from him but he matched me.
"No. Gerard you are my fucking brother. My best friend. I'm not gonna let you do this."He took another step. I think in my heart, deep down, I didnt want to go through with it.

Which is why I let Mikey get so close. Why I let him start tackling me, trying to get the gun out of my hand.
"Fuck off Mikey!"I screamed. We were in the mud fighting when the gunshot sounded and the pain exploded.

"Fucking hell!"I screamed. Mikey and I looked down and saw the blood leaking from my leg.
"Jesus christ Gerard!"
"Mikey that was my only fucking shot you bastard!"I shouted, feeling the anger slowly disappear.

The bullet had only skimmed my leg. I could see a smoking hole in Mums tree.
"Mikey?"I whispered, ignoring the pain shooting up and down my leg like a fucking bitch. Suddenly Mikey was there, holding me as I sobbed onto his shoulder.

*end flashback*

I was crying. Frank was crying. We were soaking each other as we lay there, sniffing over it all.
"Gerard... I dont know what to say."Frank whispered.
"You dont have to say anything its all in the past it doesn't matter. Its all alright now."I sighed and wiped away my tears. It really was all okay now. I felt better here, my arms around Frank, his head resting on my chest.