21 December
"See you later fuck face,"Clara winked at me as they all walked past me. Taylor was last in line and dropped a note in my lap as he walked by. I discreetly hid it and slowly got up from my seat. My whole face felt swollen from crying so much. Gerard left about three or four hours ago. It was almost five in the morning and I still had no idea what I was supposed to do. I opened Taylors note and tried to read it through my puffy eyes.
frank i dunno what your doin but i heard you and gerard so if you want you can sneak into my room later tonight. youll have to stay hidden tho. my number should be on your phone still so text me if your comin
I scrunched the note up and stuffed into my pocket with the money Gerard had given me. I grabbed my phone from my other pocket and opened my inbox. There was the message from Taylor but nothing else. Nothing from Gerard. I fought back another wave of sobs and started typing out a text to Taylor saying I was coming.
*
"Shit- just- on that bit there- yep- j- shit. You okay?"Taylor finally managed to pull me through his window, me tumbling into his bedroom loudly.
"Yeah I'm okay,"I groaned, rubbing my arms. I took a quick look around and realised Taylor was in my old room. With my old bunk beds. And drawers. I shook away the sick nostalgia feeling and stood up properly.
"This is weird,"I let out a shaky breath.
"Tell me about it,"Taylor agreed quietly.
"No I mean this was my old room. The only thing that has changed is the lack of posters and the bed was over there,"I pointed to the opposite corner.
"Oh... Right. Totally weird,"Taylor cleared his throat before busying himself at his desk. He had a laptop. A small tinge of jealously bit at me but I ignored it. Why was I getting jealous over a laptop? Taylor has gotten more love than me from our family. That is something I should be jealous of. Not the fact that he has a laptop.
I took my shoes off and pushed them deep under the bed.
"You're on the top bunk. Mainly because easy for you to hide closest to the wall under the blankets if Dad comes in,"Taylor mumbled as he took his shirt off.
"Okay... Um. Thank you for this Taylor. It really means a lot,"I said as I climbed up the ladder. A wave of nostalgia hit me as I settled into the bed and stared at the glow in the dark stars stuck to the ceiling. They covered the whole thing. When I was about five or six I used to stay up late pretending I was walking on the ceiling amongst the stars. The light went off and there was a thwump as Taylor got into his bed. I stared at nothing and tried to slow my breathing for sleep but it just wouldn't come. I was wide awake. There was a slight anger bubbling away desperate to get out.
I rolled over onto my side, facing the wall, and closed my eyes. I tried to fill my mind with thoughts of something other than Gerard and my dead mother but I couldn't. After a while I heard a quiet sniff. Taylor was crying. I thought about getting down to comfort him but he probably thought I was asleep anyway and I couldn't be bothered getting down.
"You okay?"I found myself saying suddenly. Where had that come from?
"Uh-"He cleared his throat,"Yeah I'm okay. It's just sort of hitting me now that's all,"He sniffed.
"Right right... Do- do you want a hug?"
"No I'm okay. I don't-"Taylor broke off at a knock on the door. I dragged the blankets over my head and pressed myself as close to the wall as I could as the door opened. A small phone light shone as someone walked in.
"Hey Taylor,"Clara sniffed.
"Hi Clara. You okay?"
"No,"Clara broke down suddenly. The bunks wobbled slightly as she sat down on Taylors bed. From the muffled sobs I figured she was crying on his shoulder.
"Shh shh. It's gonna be okay. We'll get through this,"Taylor soothed her.
After a few minutes she stopped crying and said,"Were you talking to someone before?"
"No I was uh- crying as well..."
"Oh Taylor,"Clara sighed. I lay in silence, barely daring to breathe, when the worst happened.
"Can I sleep in here tonight? I don't want to be alone."
"Oh- I- Uh-"
"In the top bunk of course. I won't top and tail with you like when we were little,"Clara laughed weakly.
"You- no... I'm sorry I just uh I really feel like uh being alone?"Taylor stammered.
"You? Passing up the chance to stay up even later and talk to someone? What's going on?"
"Nothing I don't- what are you even talking about?"
"Taylor is- is there someone up there? Do you have a girl up there?"Clara teased.
"N-no,"Taylor struggled to stop being so fucking obvious. I wouldn't put it past Dad to hit me if he found me in here.
"Alright. I know you're up there whoever you are. Someone to comfort Taylor in his time of need I'm assuming,"Clara laughed. The bed shook and suddenly I could just see Clara's phone light shining through the blanket. I held my breath and waited. She reached out and yanked the blanket back. I could barely see her face behind the phone but it didn't look pleased.
"Clara please don't tell Dad please don't I'm begging you I'll do anything at all,"Taylor was suddenly next to her. I sat up slowly and stayed silent.
"Taylor you could get into so much trouble for this,"Clara said quietly. She got down and so did Taylor so I climbed down. Clara was sitting on Taylors bed and Taylor was turning a lamp on.
She was deep in thought.
"Clara...?"Taylor broke the silence. She looked up at him with tears on her face.
"I won't tell anyone don't worry."
"Thank you,"Taylor let out a sigh of relief. I stood in silence, wondering what to do.
"Frank..."Clara said softly,"Frank I'm sorry. I have been hiding myself for three years. Nineteen and I can't even tell my family I have a boyfriend. I met him at church three years ago. But not the church we go to, a Buddist church. My best friend Sarah showed me just how oppressive Mom and Dad are and I started looking at other religions just out of curiosity and David showed me Buddism and we just connected. I've been going there in secret because I know Mom and Dad will kick me out if they find out. Seeing you again made me realise that it's sort of the same story. Something making you different causing you to lose your family. It's not right. I don't like your choices but I'm not going to ridicule you for them.
"Frank I am so so sorry for the hurt I've caused you. I am so disgusted and ashamed of myself and I totally understand if you can never forgive me. I can't even forgive myself..."Clara trailed off. I couldn't move. I was frozen on the spot. Part of me was angry at her still but most of me just couldn't give a damn. I had somehow gotten two family members back.
"Frank say something,"She sniffed. Taylor had somehow melded into the background silently.
"I uh I don't know what to say,"I croaked.
"You don't have to say anything. Don't worry,"She sniffed. She blinked and looked away from me hopelessly. She stood up as I stood there, like a statue.
"I'm gonna go back to my room. Uh sorry for the sob fest and shit,"She said quietly to Taylor.
"Night Clara,"He murmured back. And still I stood.
After the door closed, Taylor came and put his hand on my shoulder,"Frank? You okay?"
"Probably not. But I'm trying to ignore the shit storm in my stomach at the moment."
"Do- do you need anything? Water? Food?"
"Uh just some water would be great thanks,"I managed to get out. Now that he mentioned it, I was thirsty as fuck.
"Okay I'll just be a second."
I stood for another minute before finally moving, my knees clicking from the lack of movement as I sat down on the edge of Taylor's bed. He came back with a glass of cold water and a packet of cookies.
"Thank you,"I managed to pul the corners of my mouth up into what I hoped was a smile. It felt more like a grimace.
"How are you doing?"Taylor asked quietly, sitting down next to me.
"My Mom's dead, my boyfriend basically dumps me, paying me like I'm a whore and I suddenly get two family members back. So pretty good."
Taylor snorted slightly,"Sorry. Stupid question."
"Don't worry about it. How are you doing?"
"Okay. Trying to process it all without having a mental breakdown really. Never would have guessed about Clara man. She always seems so happy to go to church,"Taylor sighed. I didn't know what to say so I didn't say anything at all. I just sipped my drink and held the cookies awkwardly. I wouldn't be able to stomach them just yet.
"You don't have to eat those now. Just- if you want to leave them til the morning or something."
"Right right. I'll uh get back into bed."
Once we were settled back into bed with the lights off the tears came. I managed to stay quiet though. Taylor fell asleep pretty quickly after the lights went out and once I got over my tears, so did I.
*
23rd December
"...May she rest in peace,"The church guy finished speaking and stepped down. There was a moments silence before Dad, Taylor and a bunch of other guys I didn't recognise got up and walked towards Mom's coffin. This was my only chance to leave. I quietly stood up and darted towards a side hallway before Dad turned around and saw me. I stuck to the shadows as they started carrying her down the isle. Dad and Taylor were at the front. Taylor was on my side and behind him was none other than my best friend. Ex best friend. I couldn't even remember his name. Since when was he close enough to Mom to carry her coffin? I watched as he walked, tears streaming down his face. What the fuck? I took a step closer to get a better look. Big mistake. At the sudden movement amidst the still silence, he looked over and locked eyes with me. In the two seconds it took for him to recognise me I had turned around and was now hurrying down the hallway into the dark, candle lit stone passageway. Where the fuck was I? I could hear yelling and shouting echoing around there. Suddenly there was a huge crash and screams. They must have dropped the coffin.
I fought back a laugh and turned left into a small library. I closed the door behind me and took in a deep breath. The sound of a grandfather clock ticking directly ahead of me was the only sound I could hear. I looked at the door and let out a sigh of relief at the sight of the lock. I turned the lock and decided to take a look around. There were a few shelves full of books, mainly historic religious books but there were a few classics. I grabbed a random one and settled on a comfy armchair around the corner from the door. I couldn't focus on the book though. Any sort of creak made me start panicking. I gulped in some air and tried to stay calm. I suddenly realised this was the first time I had actually felt like I was going to have a panic attack since Gerard left. I didn't have one when Clara found me or the day after when Taylor and Clara were figuring out how to get me to the church without anyone noticing and Dad came up. I had to hide in the closet for ten minutes while he talked to them about the funeral.
There had been no word from Gerard. I was determined not to be the first one to call him. I may have said the wrong thing, but there was no need for him to be an immature little shit about it. He doesn't understand what my family is like. They're close minded, stubborn and rude. There is nothing he could say that would get them to change their mind. Well excluding Clara and Taylor now I guess. But regardless of that, Gerard should have just listened to me. I sure did miss him though. I stared at nothing as the tears welled up in my eyes and my body started shaking. It was then, through the tears, that I noticed a sharp letter opener sitting on the small table next to my chair. I picked it up with shaking hands, staring at it thoughtfully.
Before I knew it I had six slashes up my arm bleeding heavily and I was crying even harder than before. I dropped the letter opener and looked around for something to clean up the blood. I spotted a box of tissues on a table next to a door I hadn't noticed before hand and darted over to it. I soaked up the blood and balled the tissues up to put in my pocket. I ignored the burning in my arm and tried the door. It opened and lead me out into a garden filled with flowers. I shut the door quietly behind me and started wandering along the path slowly, cautious of any noise. The path lead around to the front of the church. To the left was the very edge of the cemetery where Mom was being buried. I used this as my chance to get away. I had Gerard's cash on me still so I walked up the road to the nearest bus stop and waited for the next one home.