4th December

I stared at Gerard's back as he left. Once I heard the door shut I let out a sigh. Three seconds later I dropped the mug I was holding and started breathing heavily as it shattered on the floor. Instant coffee and milk going everywhere.
"Fuck,"I gasped,"Oh fuck."
I was having a panic attack. I hadn't even noticed the lack of anxiety. That horrible paranoid panicky feeling that was always resting in the back of my mind. The whole time Gerard had been with me I had felt so peaceful and happy. Now that he was gone it was attacking me with a vengeance. I slid down the cupboard and sat on the floor amidst the shattered remains of my calmness. I talked to myself and rocked myself through it, waiting for my heart rate to slow down to a normal pace.

Once I had stopped feeling like I was about to pass out, I slowly stood up and had a huge glass of water. I cleaned up the mess, quelling the anger at losing one of my last mugs, and started my day by catching up on my sleep. By the time three o'clock came around I was exhuasted. I had cleaned the apartment from top to bottom to try and distract myself from the urge to cut. At four I got fed up of keeping my hands busy so instead I was watching TV. The news was the first thing on. The weather lady was talking about how it still hadn't snowed and the scientists were getting worried. I stared at the TV blankly, not taking anything in. Just as the news finished at half past four, there was a knock on the door downstairs. I jumped up immediately, shocking myself with the eagerness.
"Fraaaaank?!"Gerard called through the door. I felt myself grin as I went down and answered.
"Hey!"I smiled. Gerard grinned back at me and pushed past.
"So work was pretty insane. Like, seriously. I don't know if I'm gonna survive working there,"Gerard said as I followed him up the stairs.

"You only have yourself to blame I hope you know."
"Yeah yeah whatever,"Gerard plonked himself down onto the couch and stared at me leaning against the door.
"Did you get in any trouble with your Mom and Mikey?"
"Fuck. Mom thought I had just gone out drinking and wasn't too worried. She was more pissed off that she'd left work early for no reason. Mikey was the one who had faith in me and thought I had been killed,"Gerard sighed.
"Well that sort of sucks. At least they didn't kill you,"I shrugged, struggling to find a way to cheer him up.
"At least they didn't lock me in my room for three days before sending me to the other side of the country."
"Exactly,"I grinned.
"Because if they had done that I wouldn't have been able to see you."

I pushed away from the door and sat down next to Gerard, keeping eye contact with him the whole three seconds it took to get there.
"So you wanna go for a walk? Go to the arcade? Catch up on sleep?"
"I caught up on my sleep today, the arcade was closed last year and sure to a walk,"I smiled.
"What? The arcade was closed? But whyyyyy?"Gerard whined, flopping backwards and staring at the blank TV grumpily.
"They lost business. About three years ago it just kept getting worse and worse until they just closed down last year."
"Ha! Probably because I left. I always went there when I was drunk if I couldn't get a guy,"Gerard snorted.
"So. Walk?"
"Definitely. We can go to the park,"Gerard smiled.
"Awesome."

*

Memorial Park is in between two alleyways off of Elliston Street and Wellesley Street and is a ten minute walk from my flat. Usually in December it's covered in snow but the first snow of winter still hasn't arrived so it's very dead and dry and empty. The skies overhead are a horrible stormy black but at least there isn't any wind. All of the trees are bare and spooky looking. Spikey fingers reaching over to each other, creating an archway above the path. Gerard and I pass the playground, chattering about the future and what we thought would happen. Gerard made a comment about wanting me to still be in his future and I stopped walking to stare at him.
"What?"
"I- nothing. Nothing at all,"I smiled widely and continued walking with him. We reached the pond that was bordering becoming a lake and started walking across the bridge. Once we reached the middle, we stopped and stared down at the icy water. Parts of it had frozen over, like clouds on the water.

"That one there looks like a fish,"I pointed to one drifting along slowly.
"I think that is a fish,"Gerard snorted.
"Oh... It is."
Gerard started laughing loudly and leant against the fence of the bridge, facing me with a big grin,"You are so cute."
"Shut up,"I groaned, my face heating up nicely.
"Nope. You're super cute. So cute that I can't stand it."
I stared at him, trying to look annoyed. But I couldn't stop fucking smiling. He took a step closer, his hand sliding on top of mine, warm and soft. I stared into his eyes, trying not to freak out over what was most definitely about to happen, when something drifted down and landed on Gerard's nose.

"You have a snowflake on your nose,"I giggled. Gerard went crosseyed to try and get a look at it when another one travelled down between us and landed at our feet. We both looked up to see more and more snowflakes floating down.
"It finally fucking snowed,"Gerard grinned.
"I know,"I breathed,"Finally."
Gerard looked away from the sky, moved himself so he was up against my body, pushing me against the bridge, and kissed me. Despite the set up before, it was completely out of the blue. We had both been distracted by the snow. But now all I could think about was how soft his lips were, how good it felt to have his hands on my back and in my hair. My arms snaked around his waist and pulled him closer. After a few, literally, breathtaking moments, we broke apart. Neither of us could stop smiling at each other.

"Well that was pretty awesome,"Gerard said finally.
"That's one word for it,"I huffed out a shaky breath. It felt like my stomach was trying to get out through my skin. My heart was going a million miles a second and still Gerard and I stood there, wrapped around each other, smiling like two idiots with snow in their hair.
"Do you wanna keep walking then?"Gerard asked. I nodded and we let go of each other to continue walking as we had been, this time talking about what we'd make with the snow once it was thick enough. No awkwardness. No uncertainty. Just like normal.

*

7th December

"You can't do this on your own Frank.You need him. Don't fuck it up."
I nodded at my reflection.
"You're not strong enough. You can't even do those bandages properly. You need to ask him to do it."
"Okay,"I nodded again.
"Frank! You're gonna fuck it up! Stop it!"My reflection screamed at me, staring at my arms. I looked down and was shocked to see me cutting myself, my hand just slicing through my skin with a knife over and over.
"But I didn't-"
"Stop it Frank! You're gonna kill yourself if you don't do this right!"

"Fuck,"I gasped, my eyes flying open to reveal I wasn't in a room of mirrors, I was in my bed and my arm was itching like hell,"Jesus christ."
I sat up and checked my arms. The bandages weren't loose like the night before thankfully. I unclipped the end and started unwrapping my arm. Everything on my right arm had scabbed over and were basically healed. A few had already become scars. I smiled down and moved the bandages to the side. I took in a deep breath and started on my left arm.
"Oh jesus,"I coughed out. Most of them had scabbed but a big one close to my wrist looked infected. It smelled bad and it was bringing on another panic attack.
"Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck,"I gasped, closing my eyes and counting to ten. I opened them again and stared hard at the horrible mess that was my arm. I just needed to go to the doctor.

I grabbed all of my dirty clothes and the bandages and put them into the wash. Gerard was working til two today. It was already eleven so I didn't have too long to wait. After our kiss on the bridge we had both gone home seperately, parting with another longer kiss. Yesterday after he had finished work I had gone with him to look for flats for him. And then we'd spent the day playing video games at his house. In four short days, I had gone from a nervous wreck to a giggly school girl. Gerard was the sweetest guy ever. I couldn't get enough of him. Whenever I was with him, all of my fears and worries and anxiety issues just disappeared. He made me feel safe and calm. Happy.

My phone started ringing. I put down my piece of toast and went into my bedroom to answer it.
"Hello?"
"Hi Frank,"It was Gerard.
"Hey,"I smiled involuntarily.
"I'm just on my break so I thought I'd call you and see how you were,"Gerard said happily.
"Oh!"I smiled even wider. He had been thinking of me.
"So?"He prompted.
"Hmm?"
"How are you?"
"Infected."
"What do you mean?"

"My left arm. A big cut on my wrist is infected. I need to go to the doctor,"I sighed, resisting the urge to scratch at my arm.
"Oh shit. I don't finish work til-"
"Two yeah I know. Don't worry I'm fine. I'm washing the bandages right now."
"Okay well just- don't let anything touch it okay? It could be really bad, you just don't know."
"Way to make me feel better,"I snorted.
"Sorry I just- you've got me all worried now. I'm gonna try and get off work early,"Gerard sighed.
"Don't be stupid! It can wait til two. You've only just started working there. What would you say? My friend's cut is infected and is too scared to go to the doctor's by himself?"I joked.
"No I'll tell them my boyfriend needs to go to the doctor's urgently, can I please get off work early,"Gerard said seriously. It felt like my heart had turned into a bull and was trying to get out of my chest.

"Frank you there?"
"I- yeah. I am,"I smiled, curling up into a ball on the couch.
"So we're in agreement? I'm getting off work early?"
"Uh- no I-"
"Frank come on,"Gerard sighed. He sounded frustrated.
"Okay fine,"I blurted. I didn't want to upset him.
"Good. I knew sounding annoyed would work. I'll see you soon!"He said happily and hung up before I could say anything. I let out a weird noise that sounded sort of like a laugh and sort of like a squeal. Gerard said I was his boyfriend. I let myself have my school girl moment before clearing my throat and telling myself to stop being an idiot.

I went about passing the time between the call and Gerard's arrival as best as I could but about ten minutes before Gerard turned up, twenty minutes before he was supposed to finish, I started having a panic attack.
"What if he say's girlfriend and was literally using it as an excuse to get off of work,"I gasped, dropping the scrubbing brush and plate into the sink filled with bubbly water. I leant against the bench, dropping my chin to my chest as I tried to get through it without hyperventilating myself.
"Fuck, I'm so fucking stupid!"I groaned. I knelt down to my knees, banging my head against the cupboard door, saying stupid with each bang. Apparently blows to the head made me feel a lot better so I kept doing it until I was certain I wouldn't fall over if stood up.

I stood up slowly, using the bench as leverage. A minute later there was a knock on the door.
"Come in,"I called weakly. I stood up straight and tried to regulate my breathing in the time it took for Gerard to open the door and walk over to me.
"Hi,"He said happily. I turned and smiled, completely forgetting about the past ten minutes.
"What happened to you- shit Frank you're bleeding,"Gerard pushed his fingers through my hair, pushing it back. Fuck.
"I- ow!"
"Sorry!"Gerard's hands retreated instantly. He leaned over and grabbed a paper towel,"Why are you bleeding? What happened?"
"I was- I had- I just-"I stammered, struggling to say what had happened.

Gerard held the paper towel there gently and looked me in the eyes,"Frankie, what happened? You're all sweaty and out of breath and you are bleeding."
"I was having a panic attack and banging my head against the cupboard made it go by faster I guess,"I mumbled, not looking him in the eyes.
"Oh Frank,"Gerard sighed, staring at me with pity in his eyes.
"Don't look at me like that. Don't you dare feel sorry for me. I've dealt with this for five years on my own. I don't need your help now,"I glared at him, pushing his arm away.
"No Frank I didn't mean- Frank wait!"Gerard followed me out and down to the laundry.
"I saw the pity in your fucking eyes. That is the one thing I cannot stand Gerard and you know it. I don't want people feeling sorry for me,"I said, keeping my back to him as I pulled my clean bandages out.

"Why?"Gerard demanded. That made me stop.
"What? What do you mean why?"I spun around.
"Why don't you want me feeling sorry for you? It only means I want to take care of you. Make you feel better. Why won't you let yourself have that?"
"Because I don't-"I stopped talking. Those next words would have lead to a huge problem.
"Because you don't what? Need it? Want it? Frank, you say you've been dealing with this for five years by yourself. You've been alone for five years. You might not need it or feel like you want it, but when I've hugged you or kissed you or put your bandages on, I have never seen so much want in someone. You have been through so much that it's not fair. Let someone else take care of you for once. Please let me,"Gerard walked up to me and took my hands.
"Gerard..."I closed my eyes, a tear managing to escape.

Gerard's hand was on my face, his thumb wiping away the tear.
"Look at me."
I opened my eyes and stared at him.
"You deserve some sort of affection,"He whispered. I fell into him, wrapping my arms around him despite the pain it caused in my wrist. Gerard held me tight, rocking me through my sobs.
"What is going on?! Mr Iero! Why so loud?!"My landlord suddenly burst in.
"I'm sorry Sir. Frank was just going through some stuff,"Gerard said over his shoulder.
"You scare customer! Be quiet!"He grumbled and slammed the door shut.
"If it's noise that scares them away then maybe he shouldn't slam the door,"Gerard snorted. I giggled and pulled away.
"I'm sorry, Gerard."
"Don't be. Now come on, lets go to the doctor."

*

"Don't touch it."
"I'm not touching it."
"You were. I saw you,"Gerard snorted.
"I wasn't touching it!"I defended myself,"I was merely- poking- it..."
"Exactly. Don't. You heard what the doctor said man. Just leave the cream to soak in and then wrap it up but don't touch it."
"I know. I was there Gerard. It is my arm he looked at,"I sighed, fighting the urge to rub the cream in.
"Good. Just making sure,"Gerard smiled at me. I smiled back then turned back to the TV. We were back at mine watching some shitty TV show. The doctor (ha, The Doctor) had said that it was some sort of stupid infection that could be sorted with the cream. Because the cut was so deep and still healing, I wasn't allowed to rub it in otherwise I could deepen the cut. Now that I had become aware of the cut and the infection, it fucking itched like hell. The cream was just this lump of creamy yellow stuff that was begging me to rub it in properly.

"What are we even watching?"I sighed.
"I dunno. It's called Go Girls or something,"Gerard sighed back at me.
"What accent is that?"I asked, as a ginger girl dressed as a fairy fought with another chick dressed as a fairy.
"The um- The Lord of The Rings accent,"Gerard clicked his fingers at me.
"Orc or elf?"I snorted.
"Shut up. I mean the country they filmed it in the one next to Australia. What the fuck is the name?"
"New Zealand?"I looked at him, smiling at how much he was struggling to think of the name of a country.
"Yes! That one!"Gerard grinned.

"Why have we got one of their TV shows? What channel are we on?"I pressed a button on the remote to find that we were on some international channel. I switched it to the music channel and let out a huge groan,"I'm bored."
"Me too,"Gerard looked at me,"Why don't we play a game or something?"
"Don't have any,"I said glumly. I looked back to my wrist, silently begging it to hurry up and soak in so I could wrap it up and not have to worry about it.
"Jesus how much did you actually put on?"Gerard leaned over slightly to get a better look at my wrist.
"A pea-sized amount. Like he said."
"That's multiple peas spread across the cut. He meant to get one pea-sized amount and spread it lightly over. It'll take forever for that you dick,"Gerard snorted,"Here."

I watched as Gerard got up and went into the kitchen. I was about to follow him when he came back with a paper towel. Very carefully he wiped most of it away, leaving just a film of it over the cut.
"Oh..."
"Where's the bandage?"He looked around pointlessly.
"On my bed. I'll get it,"I sighed.
I stood up as Gerard said,"No I will you stay sitting."
"Gerard I can get it myself. It's an infected cut, not a broken leg,"I said, almost racing him to the bandages at the end of the bed. Gerard beat me to it.
"If you can't win a race to your bed, then you certainly shouldn't be up and about,"Gerard winked at me, holding the bandages triumphantly,"I have to put them on you anyway so I don't see why you had to be the one to get them."

"It's not about that,"I grumbled, sitting down on my bed and holding my arm out,"It's the principle."
"Principle?"Gerard raised an eyebrow at me.
"No- I mean, I know you want to take care of me and all that, but don't make me feel like I've had a stroke and I can't move at all. I need to have some sort of independance at least."
"Okay I understand. I'm sorry,"Gerard nodded at me.
I was about to say that it was okay and that he shouldn't worry at all but his cool fingers on my arm distracted me.
"So you got any plans for tonight?"Gerard asked casually, never taking his eyes off his hands slowly wrapping the bandage around my arm.
"Oh yeah I'm going out with all of my friends for a drink and then we're gonna come back here and play video games all night,"I said sarcastically.

"Ha ha,"Gerard looked up at me through his hair. He cleared his throat and said slowly,"Do you wanna go out to dinner?"
"Like on a... date?"
"If- if that's what you want it to be then sure,"Gerard's fingers paused in fastening the bandage.
"I'd like that."
Gerard stayed quiet as he finished making sure it wouldn't come undone. He let my arm drop and instead took my face in his hands and kissed me hard for a short second,"Sounds good."
"Where are we gonna go?"I asked.
Gerard sat back and leaned on his hands, looking at me mysteriously,"It's a surprise."

*

"Can't we go back and punch him?"Gerard whined as we stomped up the stairs into my flat.
"No we cannot. You really can't handle rude people can you,"I turned around and looked at him as I fell down onto the couch.
"No. I can't. He had no right to talk to us like that. God people make me sick."Gerard thwumped down next to me with a sigh. He rolled his head to look at me, his hair falling across his eyes slightly.
"It's just the way the world goes. Maybe twenty billion years into the future everyone will have stopped being ignorant pricks. But we'll be dead by then and it won't matter to us,"I half smiled.
"Don't do that,"Gerard said abruptly.
"Do what?"
"Don't smile at the thought of death."
"But I- oh. Sorry... I didn't realise..."

Gerard didn't say anything. Just sighed.
"Have you ever played 'Are You Nervous?' before?"Gerard asked me suddenly.
"I've never even heard of it. What is it?"
"Oh my god. Okay come on,"Gerard stood up, a huge grin on his face, and pulled me to my feet and into the bedroom,"Lie down."
"What sort of game is this?"I asked nervously, lying down but with my head propped up.
"Put your head down. I'm just gonna ask you if you're nervous and if you get nervous then I win."
"But what are you gonna do to try and make me nervous?"I looked up at him. He had taken his jacket off and had pushed his sleeves up. He was talking but I wasn't listening. I was staring at his bare arms. Clean or cuts and scars. I thumped my head back down angrily.
"Okay start,"I sighed.

Gerard placed his hand on my ankle,"Are you nervous?"
"No."
He slid it up to my shin,"Are you nervous?"
"No."
His hand moved to my knee,"You nervous?"
"No."
He slid his hand up to my thigh,"Are you nervous?"
I swallowed dry air as my dick twitched,"No,"I croaked.
Gerard's hand moved a few inches closer to my crotch,"Nervous?"
"No,"I shook my head.
His hand slid very slowly to my hip,"Are you nervous?"

I croaked out a no, fighting the urge to see what his face looked like.
"Are you nervous?"Gerard asked again.
"Your hand hasn't moved of course I'm not,"I snorted.
Gerard took his hand away,"Nervous now?"
"No."
Gerard was silent for a moment as he moved. Suddenly he was sitting on my lap, both his hands on my sides and a ridiculously sexy smirk on his face,"Are you nervous?"
I shook my head, never taking me eyes from his.
His hands moved up my sides as I realised I was getting hard,"Are you nervous?"
"No,"I let out a shaky breath, hoping to god he wouldn't notice.
Gerard moved his hands to my shoulders, lying down so that our faces were less that a centremetre apart,"Are you nervous?"He breathed out.
"No."

Gerard's lightly dragged his lips along my jawline and onto my neck,"You nervous now?"He whispered against my skin.
"No,"I closed my eyes and slid my hands around his back, holding him there.
Gerard's fingers slipped along my shoulder blades and down my arms slightly,"Are you ever gonna get nervous?"He mumbled.
"Doubt it."
"I know you're hard."
My eyes flew open,"Okay now I'm nervous."
Gerard snorted and lifted his head slightly,"Dont be."

Gerard kissed me and my mouth fell open, letting him in completely. Gerard rolled his hips down, making me gasp into his mouth,"Oh fuck."
"Frankie,"Gerard moaned as we struggled to get our clothes off without stopping kissing. We got there in the end. When we were fully naked against each other, we both shivered. There was snow piling up outside the window and there was a draft blowing directly onto us of course.
"Under the blanket?"I whispered.
"Yes please oh my god,"Gerard gasped,"We should totally make our own warmth."
"Isn't that what this has been building up to?"I raised my eyebrow at him in the near darkness, the only light coming from the lamp in the lounge and the moon outside.
"I- shut up,"Gerard pulled the blanket down beneath me and climbed on top of me, bring the blanket over his back.

"Fuck do you have a condom?"Gerard asked suddenly.
"Oh shit,"I groaned,"No. I haven't done anything since just before Greg's funeral. And that was at their house. Fuck."
"Don't worry then. I've got other ways of sorting this,"Gerard said. He kissed me before I could ask what he was gonna do. As we kissed, his hips created friction that was driving me insane. Just as I felt myself wanting more, he broke it off. I let out a strangled noise of frustration as he started moving down, kissing my neck, chest, stomach.
"Oh jesus,"I panted as his hair tickled my stomach in a weirdly sexual way. I looked down but all I could see was the blanket moving as Gerard moved.

He stopped moving and I held my breath, waiting. Instead of doing what I expected him to do, he kissed me. He kissed my scars. I closed my eyes and tried not to pass out from the burst of love that was travelling from my stomach and up into my throat. I felt the tears burning at my eyes but completely forgot about them when Gerard's hot wet mouth closed around the head of my cock.
"Oh fuck!"I shouted out, squeezing the sheet in my fist. I lost all coherent thought and it felt so fucking good. I tried not to but I couldn't stop myself from thrusting up into Gerard's mouth, my hips getting away from me, just for a little bit- just another thrust- fuck, like that, just like that, yeah. Gerard moaned loudly, the vibrations nearly undoing me. He wrapped one hand around my dick, pinning me down with the other and pumped me with a few dizzying tight and slick strokes. I whimpered and shoved a fist into my mouth so I could just quit making all this noise but I couldn't help it. Gerard's mouth and hand working me over were tearing them out of me. Gerard's fingers curled around my belly and it was a moment of rushing free-fall before I was slammed head first into my orgasm. My lungs burnt and my toes went numb and my heart beat wildly against my ribcage. I could barely feel the bed beneath me. Too fucking long.

"Fuck,"I gasped. Gerard emerged from beneath the blankets with a sly grin on his face. I felt a rush of want and quickly grabbed his shoulders, flipping us over and kissing him hard. He moved his hands to my back, sliding them down and to squeeze my ass. I moved down further, Gerard's hands dragging up my back again, and got into position. Gerard is so hard, and his smooth dick was almost hot against my tongue. I could hear Gerard whimpering above me, and he was squirming against my mouth, trying to get more. I leant down and licked him again, just tasting it.
And yesterday, Gerard hadn't been nearly naked on Frank's bed, wide open for him like this. I grabbed onto the base of Gerard's cock and relished the strangled noises he made while I sucked in the head and went down, and down, and down. My lips, already tender from Gerard's biting kisses earlier, stretched to the point of pain around Gerard's cock and my mouth was flooded with taste and texture. The strangled sounds that echoed in my ears are almost too much to bear. I lost myself in it all for an amount of time I couldn't calculate if I tried. Gerard tensed up beneath me, his hands tangled in my hair and his voice crying out as he came long and hard. I worked him through it, swallowing every drop I could get.

"Oh my god,"Gerard groaned, his fingers relaxing as he started panting. I dragged myself up and basically fell on top of him. He didn't seem to mind though. He just kissed me softly.
"That was..."I stammered, unable to finish my sentence.
"I know,"Gerard agreed. We stayed silent for a while, coming down from our high, enjoying each others company.
"What time is it?"I croaked after a while.
"Not sure... Late."
"Do you want to go home or...?"I trailed off.
"Stay the night of course,"Gerard snorted,"No way I'm getting out of bed now. It's fucking freezing outside of these blankets."
"Good. I was just checking,"I smiled, rearranging myself so I wasn't completely on top of him, my head resting on his chest. He wrapped his arm around my shoulders and held me close, kissing the top of my head.
"Goodnight Frankie,"He whispered.
"G'night Gerard,"I smiled into the darkness.

Notes

oh my god i actually updated hallelujah praise the lord