3rd December

I unlocked the door and walked inside, trying not to get nervous about this stupidly cute boy. From what I could barely remember of him, and from what I had seen today, I knew he was really fragile. But I also had a feeling he was going to be a very important person to me and I had no idea why. All I knew was that I better not fuck it up.
"So this is my room,"I sighed, taking dumping my keys and phone on my drawers in an attempt to look relaxed and cool. It hit me then that in the three years of rehab and working, I hadn't even hit on anyone, let alone kissed or slept with anyone. Which mean that Frank was the last person I had kissed.
"Oh my god."
"What?"Frank turned to look at me from the painting.
"I- you- nevermind,"I muttered and sat down on my bed. Frank looked at me weirdly before turning back around to stare at the painting.

As he stared at it, I stared at him. He had a really skinny frame no matter what angle you looked at him and even if he was smiling, there was a weird sadness about him.
"This is creeping me out,"Frank turned and caught me staring at him.
"What is?"I blinked, pulling my laptop closer and opening it.
"The fact that these colours, my- colours, have been bothering you for three years. And then the day that we actually meet again, is the day I changed my hair back to this. It's fucking creepy,"Frank said simply.
"Well you helped change my life. So... Creepy but understandable..."
"Yeah, how exactly did I change your life?"Frank sat down on the edge of my bed as I loaded up my emails.
"Well you- with your- because I- This is difficult and embarrassing to explain..."I trailed off, focusing on my emails completely. Now I understood why Mikey hadn't even told some people he had a brother.

"Gerard I'm not gonna judge you,"Frank said quietly. I looked up to see him watching me,"After what you did for me today I would never do something as terrible as judging you for something you've gone through..."
"You really mean that?"I asked softly, not taking my eyes from his. He nodded and inched a little closer to me on the bed. I cleared my throat and crossed my legs, staring at Frank intensely.
"Five years ago, when I was seventeen, my dad died. It was the twenty eighth of december. I was at a coffee shop with Mikey and my friends and my Mom had called me and told me to put some chicken in the fridge or it would go bad. I took forever to leave,"I croaked, my voice threatening to fail me, tears threating to show how I really felt and thought,"Mikey and the guys kept making jokes about being a Mama's boy and I didn't leave until half an hour after Mom had called me. When I got home, I heard a noise from my parents' room. I went in with a fucking umbrella to find my Dad hanging from the ceiling. I can never remember what it was he hung himself from. Probably the light or something..."

"Gerard..."Frank said slowly. I could already tell he was thinking the same thing that I have felt for five years.
"It's my fault if I had just-"
"No. Don't say it. Gerard that is the stupidest thing ever. You cannot in anyway blame yourself for your Dad's death. You had no idea what was going to happen. And even if you had gotten home early. He would have heard you come home and either hid or lied about work sending him home. After you had left he probably would have continued. Or he might have done it another day. There is no way that you could have stopped it from happening. It was just really unfortunate timing. You can't feel guilty for this Gerard,"Frank grabbed my hand, staring at me like he was looking into my soul. I sniffed and blinked back the tears.

"Thank you Frank,"I cleared my throat,"God I'm an idiot. That didn't even answer your question."
"That's okay. I'm glad you told me."
"I've never told anybody that before. Not even my therapist. When I told her about it, I never told her that I waited before. Just that I was the one who found him. It was probably a big mistake because it's probably the main reason for my stupid nightmare. Just reliving it over and over and over. Waking up screaming about putting the fucking chicken in the stupid god damn fridge,"I shivered. I had no idea why I was telling this to Frank so willingly. It was as if him being here, saying he wont judge me, had opened the flood gates and I couldn't stop spilling it all out.
"That sucks. Having to dream about his death all the time. I wish I could help,"Frank gave my hand a meaningful squeeze, alerting me to the fact that he still had it in his hand.
"Mmm. After that, Mikey and I started drinking. Me more heavily. After about a year I thought I was over his death but I started going out to drink instead of sitting in my room alone, sometimes with Mikey, sometimes with the guys. When I started going out to bars, that's when it got really bad. I started mixing my drinks and forgetting everything. I usually woke up with a guy in my bed or a number on my drawers..."

"I hurt a lot of people,"I sighed, falling down onto my back, my hand slipping out of Frank's.
"Why'd you stop with me?"Frank said quietly. Very casually he slid down so he was lying next to me, his head propped up on his hand.
"I don't know. Some part of me, the slightly sober side I guess, just kept telling me not to. You were too vulnerable. It wouldn't have been right."
"Well at least you know drunk you has some sort of nice sane thought... I mean that's not to say I wouldn't have enjoyed it, I mean I was about to suck your dick but you-"
"Frank don't worry I know what you mean,"I smiled, looking up at his spluttering face. He closed his mouth and blushed.
"Anyway, after Greg's funeral, Mom and Mikey tackled me with an intervention then locked me in my room for three days until a doctor from a rehab in California could come and get me. Those days were horrible. I said the worst things to my family. I've never felt so much regret than my fourth day in therapy. I was completely dry and had just started my single sessions with my therapist. It was the night before that I had the dream with your colours. Thats when I really thought about everything I had done. All because of your colours..."

"That..."Frank let out a sigh,"Is the weirdest thing I've ever heard."
"Don't I know it. Jade is going to freak when she hears about this,"I smiled, watching as Frank's free hand went to his arm and started scratching. He was staring at something behind me, completely unaware that he was probably making his arm bleed again.
"So I-"
"Sorry but I- I don't want to be rude or pry but do you really think you should be scratching your arm?"
Frank's hand froze, he looked down in shock and let out a groan of frustration. He sat up, turning his back on me as he pulled his sleeve up. I sat up, catching a glimpse of his bloody and raw arm.
"Do you want a bandage?"I asked tentatively. I didn't want to cross the line.

"No I- yeah actually. Maybe it'll stop me scratching,"He sighed.
"Okay. Come into the bathroom,"I got up and made my way to the bathroom, Frank following close behind. I pulled open the cupboard and grabbed the first aid box. Frank sat on the edge of the bath as I pulled out two bandages.
"Do you want me to-"
"No I got it,"Frank coughed out, taking a bandage from me and carefully pulling his sleeve up.
"Do you want to wash some of the blood away first?"
"No a bit of toilet paper will do,"He said quietly, not looking at me. I got him a few squares and watched as he started soaking it up. When he pulled it away, little bits of the toilet paper were clinging to scabs and skin.
"Fucks sake,"Frank sighed. He threw the toilet paper in the toilet and started picking the bits off.

"Here just-"I took his hand and pulled him to his feet and over to the sink,"Let me take care of you,"I looked Frank meaningfully in the eyes. He stared back and nodded. I turned the tap on and waited til it was luke warm before moving his arm under the stream of water. He watched as I gently ran my fingers down his arm, wiping the toilet paper away. When there was none left and the water was running clear, I moved it away and grabbed the hand towel, dabbing his arm dry.
"Other arm?"
Frank wordlessly pulled his other sleeve up and offered his arm to me. I washed that one off as well, waiting for the water to run clear. I dried it off and moved Frank back to the bath, sitting down next to him. I grabbed a bandage and very slowly started wrapping it around his arm. Tight to stay on but not so tight that it was causing him pain.

"It seems my life went to shit the same time as yours,"Frank croaked. I almost jumped at the sudden sound in the silent bathroom.
"How so?"I replied, not taking my eyes off of his arm.
"Five years ago, on my sixteenth birthday, my Mom kicked me out because I told her I was gay. She started yelling and screaming at me. My best friend turned on me. He backed Mom up and because he did that, all of my other so called friends just left while she continued ranting."
"That's terrible..."I sealed the bandage off and grabbed the other one, moving onto his other arm.
"She stopped yelling once everyone had left. My best friend, Liam, he started making litte jokes as I followed Mom up to my room. She started packing my stuff, breaking half my shit until I told her I would pack. She left and Liam left. It took me about half an hour to get everything. When I went downstairs she was gone. She had left me fifty bucks and a note saying not to come back."

"Jesus... So you went straight to Greg?"
"No. I spent one night on the streets trying to figure out where to go. Then Greg gave me a call the next morning. He said Dad had told him what had happened. Offered me a ride here and his basement. He lost his friendship with my Dad because of what he did for me. The only reason his family put up with it was because I was the only person Greg knew who was interested in playing video games til three in the morning with him,"Frank sighed.
"So thats when you,"I nodded towards his arm.
"Not- no that's when my depression really took it's toll. It was after Greg died that I started doing this. He helped me get my job and helped me come to terms with what happened with Mom. Then he died. While I was on bereavement leave, Lily bought the cafe, got rid of all the staff except for me. Hired Miranda and some other guy that never seemed to be working when I was. Miranda was the one that started it all. She caught me crying and somehow figured it all out. I don't know I think people were talking. I never expected it to get so out of hand..."

I had finished bandaging his arm about halfway through. Now I was just staring at his face, watching the tears slip silently down his cheek with his arm resting in my hand.
"Oh jesus,"Frank pulled his hands away and wiped his face,"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to dump all that on you."
"No no I-"
"I better get going. Jesus what time is it?"Frank turned away from me, pulling his phone out of his pocket,"Yep yeah I need to go,"He started marching down the hallway towards the front door.
"Shit. Wait! Frank wait!"I called, basically diving after him.
"I really cant stay I have to get home and- make dinner,"He stuttered to a stop as I reached him.
"Frank why are you rushing off? It's five thirty. The sun is only just setting..."
"Because. I refuse to stay with you and have you judging me. Everyone does it. I'm fucking twenty one years old and I do stupid shit like this. I'm old enough to know that it doesn't help with any of my problems but people don't actually understand that it is fucking addictive and I-"

"Frank!"
He stopped talking and looked at me,"Sorry."
"Stop apologising. You've done nothing wrong. At least let me walk you home?"I asked hopefully.
"Fine,"He sighed. We left the house in silence, not a word said as I locked the door and followed him down the path. Once we got walking though we just started talking about everything. When we reached his flat, neither of us seemed to want to say goodbye.
"Do you want to come in for dinner? It won't be anything fancy just- it's almost half six and I don't know about you but I'm starving. It's the only way to thank you that I can think of,"He said, pulling out his keys.
"Yeah that would be nice actually,"I smiled widely. A voice in the back of my head told me I should call and tell Mom or Mikey that I wouldn't be home for dinner but I ignored it and followed Frank up into his flat.

"You can put the TV on if you want,"Frank said from the kitchen as I sat down on the two seater couch. I found the remote and turned it on to the music channel. It was playing The Spice Girls. I turned it off and went into the kitchen. Frank was bent over with his head in the fridge.
"Nothing's on so I'm gonna help you."
"There's really not that much that needs doing,"Frank said, standing up straight. His face was flushed and he had a weird look on his face.
"Why? What are you making?"
"Pasta. All I've gotta do is chop up a few veges and add them to the sauce then cook the past. Grate the cheese. Not much at all."
"I'll grate the cheese then,"I smiled and took it from his hands.

Within minutes I was grating, he was chopping and water was boiling while we made fun of stupid movies.
"No but seriously, this movie was the absolute worst! The girl was stupid enough to fall asleep with her hand on the bar, and it was so dramatic when she had to pee her pants oh my god!"Frank chuckled, scraping the veges from the board into the pot of sauce.
"Jesus. Sounds terrible,"I grinned, putting the cheese down and looking at Frank.
"Okay that's enough cheese and the pasta is cooking along with the veges. Cool. Do you want a drink?"He asked, walking to the fridge as he wiped his hands on his ass. I stared. His hands slowly moving across his ass. Fuck.

"Gerard?"Frank said, opening the fridge.
"Uh yeah yeah what have you got?"I cleared my throat, tearing my eyes away from his ass.
"Uh milk juice or water?"
"Juice. Let's go with juice."
"Juice it is,"Frank pulled it out and went about pouring glasses. I jumped up and sat on the bench. He handed my my glass and said,"Do you like Thor?"
"Fucking love Thor."
"It's on tonight. Do you wanna watch it?"
"Fuck yeah!"I grinned. He grinned back. It was a weirdly intimate moment. We had been talking for about three hours now. After only three hours, I felt like I knew him. We liked the same music, same video games, same movies, same comics, it was creeping me out how alike we were.

Frank and I continued grinning at each other idiotically until the water bubbling over the edges of the pot ruined the moment.
"Shit,"Frank gasped and darted over, taking the pot off the heat. Immediately it calmed down,
"I think the pastas done,"I slid off and came to stand next to him. It took everything I had not to hug him from behind. The attraction I felt towards Frank was unbelievable.
"Go and sit down. Put Thor on. I'll bring it out,"He nudged his hips into me as he stirred the sauce. I grabbed my drink and went into the lounge. I turned the TV back on and called out to him,"What channel?"
"I don't know. Just flick through."
"Found it!"I yelled back,"Hurry up it's start- oh,"I smiled up at him and took the plate he was offering. He sat down and we ate while watching Thor.

*

"God I love that movie,"Frank stretched out, his arms up high and his top riding up to reveal a thin trail of hair.
I cleared my throat,"Yeah it's fucking awesome. I can't wait for the next one,"I said as I got up and took the plates into the kitchen.
"Do you wanna go for a walk?"Frank asked, following me into the kitchen with our glasses.
"It's almost ten o'clock at night."
"So? We can bundle up nice and warm. We could go to the park or to the bridge or something I dunno. Was just a thought..."He trailed off.
"Okay let's go for a walk,"I nodded.

*

"I guess I have to thank Mikey,"I said, staring at the water running below us.
"Why?"Frank looked across at me.
"For telling me to go and see you,"I looked at him and smiled.
"Oh... I'm sure we would have ended up meeting at some point what with our similar interests."
"Yeah but now I've met you sooner rather than later,"I nudged him with my shoulder. He let out a small laugh and looked back down at the water right as something landed up my back,"Ugh! What was that?"I stood up straight and started spinning on the spot, trying to reach whatever had dropped on my back.
"What? What is it?"Frank looked at me, a grin on his face.
"Something dropped on my back. It's cold and wet and-"
"It's rain,"Frank said, looking up at the dark sky with his hands held out.
"Fuck. It's gonna take us like half an hour to run back to yours,"I looked up at the sky as thunder boomed overhead. A flash of lightning illuminated the empty bridge.

"Well it'll take us longer to walk. Do you have your phone on you?"He asked.
"No I left it at your place, shit. I guess we're running."
Frank nodded and grabbed my hand, together we ran all the way back to his. Baker's Road was the longest street ever. It took fifteen minutes to get back onto Elliston Street. Then another twenty to get to Frank's. By the time we got inside, laughing and shivering, we were soaked. We hadn't let go of each other's hand once.
"F-fuck it's freezing!"Frank chattered, dragging me up the stairs and into his lounge.
"What's the time?"I panted, puffing onto my hands to try and warm them into moving properly.
"After midnight, that's for sure. Get your wet clothes off,"Frank said.
"Uh-"
"Go into the bathroom and throw them out. I can dry your clothes downstairs but you won't fit mine so you'll have to wait til they're dry before you go home."

"What about you?"I asked as he walked me towards the bathroom.
"I'll get changed out here before I take them down. While I'm taking them down you can wrap yourself in my blanket. They shouldn't take long to dry now get out of those clothes before you freeze to death,"He pushed me into the bathroom and shut the door. I stared at it for a second before a shiver ran through my body. I stripped down and dried myself off with a towel that was stained red.
"You got them off yet?"He called through the door.
"Uh yeah-"
"Is your underwear wet?"
"I- yeah. Fuck."
"Take 'em off."
"But I-"
"Off!"

I pulled them off, shivering at the rush of cold air, and opened the door a crack, sticking my bundle of wet clothes through.
"Thanks! I'm going down now so you can come out in a sec!"
I waited a few seconds before peeking out the door. He was gone. I darted out, and yanked his blanket from his bed, pulling it around me as fast as possible so I could get warm. He came back upstairs in PJs and said,"They'll be done in half an hour. What do you want to talk about?"
"I dunno,"I sat down on the edge of his bed, shivering.
"We can just sit and talk for a bit if you want?"Frank sighed, sitting down on his bed as well, moving so he was leaning against the headboard, patting the spot next to him.
"Yeah sure,"I yawned and dragged myself up next to him.

"So what do you want to talk about?"Frank yawned.
"Dunno,"I yawned right back, sinking down slightly.
"Hold on, I'm just gonna grab my extra blanket,"He leaned round and pulled a fluffy red blanket from underneath his bed, putting it over the both of us.
"You take it I don't need two. You have one and I have one."
"Yeah but you haven't got clothes on under there,"He sniffed, sinking down even further than I had.
"True..."I sighed. My eyes started fluttering closed and before I knew it I was asleep.

*

4th December

I couldn't feel my arm. I opened my eyes, wincing at the headache pulsing behind my eyes, and trried to focus on where I was. Fuck. Did I get drunk last night?
"Fuck,"I croaked. I lifted my head up and tried to figure out where the fuck I was. I was naked in someone's bed, his legs tangled with mine, the blanket barely covering us. He twitched in his sleep, his hair falling to reveal his face.
"Oh my god,"I let out a huge sigh of relief and let my head drop back down. Not a hangover. Just not enough sleep. Frank was breathing softly next to me. Peaceful and quiet. His sleeves had ridden up in the night to reveal his bandages had come slightly loose. But there was no blood.
"Oh my god,"I repeated, the fact that I was naked and must have been cuddling him in the night like this hit me. I pulled the blanket off of Frank and over my naked torso and groin.
"Fuck,"Frank groaned next to me,"What time is it? And what is underneath me and- oh shit."

Frank scrabbled away from me, turning bright red.
"Dude it's okay,"I pulled my arm away, working feeling back into it.
"I can't believe we fell asleep,"Frank pushed his hair out of his face and looked around.
"Fuck what time is it?"I froze. I had my first day of work today.
"Almost nine o'clock,"Frank yawned, getting out of bed and stumbling out into the lounge.
"Oh thank god for that. I thought I was late for my first day of work."
"Yeah at possibly the girliest store in this stupid town,"Frank giggled,"I'm just grabbing your clothes!"
I sat up properly, making sure I was covered, and waited.
"What time do you start work?"Frank returned, throwing my clothes at me.
"Ten. Turn away pleeeease,"I smiled at him over my shoulder.

"Coffee?"He asked, going into the kitchen.
"Yes please,"I said, standing up and pulling my clothes on as fast as possible. I walked into the kitchen, looking for my phone the whole way,"Have you seen my phone?"
"Nope. Didn't you leave it in your room?"Frank looked up from two mugs at me.
"Shit. Oh fuck. I didn't call Mikey or Mom or anything I need to get home before I got to work or they are going to fucking tear me a new one,"I groaned,"I'm sorry Frank! Don't take this the wrong way!"
"Nah no it's fine go for it! Blame it on me,"Frank called as I jogged into the lounge and shoved my feet into my shoes. They were soggy but it would have to do.
"I finish work at four I think. I'll drop by later anyway!"I called over my shoulder as I went downstairs to the front door and down the street back home. Thank christ it was only a two minute run.

"Gerard?! Gerard! Where the fuck have you been?! What the hell have you been doing?!"Mom burst out of her room as soon as I had shut the front door.
"I'm so sorry Mom,"I gasped, mainly for breath, and took my shoes off. I picked them up and went through the kitchen and into the laundry, dumping them to the side of the basket.
"Sorry doesn't answer my question Gerard,"Mom was right behind me.
I went into the kitchen and started making coffee,"I was at a friends house. He came to see my painting and then I ended up going to his for dinner and then we watched a movie then we went for a walk and got caught in the rain at Baker's bridge and had to run back. We both got soaked so he took my clothes and dried them for me but we both fell asleep. I only just woke up like ten minutes ago."
"Why the hell didn't you take your phone?"

I set down two mugs of coffee, one for her and one for me, and sat down at the table,"I forgot it. My friend got upset and left in a rush so I rushed after him. I'm so sorry Mom I didn't mean to worry you."
"I'm not having coffee. I just got home about four hours ago. I left work early because Mikey was so fucking worried,"She sat down with a groan.
"Jesus. You didn't call the cops did you?"I took a huge gulp of my coffee and let out a sigh of relief. It was so warm and strong and perfect. A wave of guilt washed over me as I thought of Frank and the half made coffee at his house. I probably didn't have to leave that early. I probably had time to run back before work.
"Gerard are you listening to me?"
"Huh?"I brought my attention back to her, focusing on he words.

She gave me a look of frustration and huffed her wiry blonde hair out of her eyes,"I said, we didn't call the cops. Mikey wanted to but I didn't think we needed- to..."Mom trailed off and looked away.
"Why...?"
"Well- to be honest I thought you'd just gone and started drinking again. I thought being back home and all the changes that have happened here were too much for you."
"What did Mikey think?"
"He seemed to think that you wouldn't do such a thing and that it was more likely that something bad had happened to you."
"So lemme get this straight. My brother has more faith and belief in me not drinking anymore than you? Your first thought was that I'd started drinking again? Just like that? After three years you think I'd just start over something so stupid as a different set up in the lounge and a few new colours everywhere else? Gee thanks, Mom."
"No Gerard I-"
"Don't worry about it just go to bed,"I grabbed the extra coffee and left her in the kitchen.
"Gerard!"

I made my way down to Mikey's room and kicked the door open, not even bothering to knock.
"Mikey I'm ho- oh shit,"I froze at the sight of Alicia in bed next to Mikey. I completely forgot that she stayed the night sometimes. Mikey lifted his head and grunted. Alicia it seemed was a heavy sleeper.
"Gerard what the fuck?"Mikey croaked.
"I'm home. Come into my room for coffee and story time?"I whispered.
"Yeah just gimme a minute,"He sighed, letting his head drop back down. I backed out and pulled the door as far shut as I could with my foot.

When I was in my room I set the coffee's down and grabbed my phone. Thirteen missed calls from Mikey, five from Mom and six from Jade? Twenty six messages in total, most of which from Mikey. I went to listen to the voicemails but stopped when I saw that there had been outgoing calls. I opened them up and saw three to Jade.
"What the hell happened to you man?"Mikey yawned behind me.
I turned around and looked at him in his dishevilled state,"You called my therapist?"
"Mom did. She thought you'd lost it. I thought you'd died or something. I got so mad at Mom,"Mikey picked up a coffee and took a sip.
"Jesus christ you guys,"I rubbed at my eyes and sat down on my bed. Mikey joined me and stared at me expectantly.

"Oh right. I uh I was with Frank the whole time,"I said sheepishly. Nothing had actually happened but I knew that straight away Mikey would get the wrong end of the stick.
"Dude seriously? And not once you thought to tell one of us?"
"Sorry. But oh my fucking god you have no idea!"I gasped as the memory of what got us talking came back to me. I proceeded to tell him all about the Miranda girl and Frank's old boss Lily. Mikey stared at me in shock. Then I progressed to the finding out about Frank being Greg's godson. Once I had finished telling him about the falling asleep he seemed satisfied.
"Sounds like you had quite a day and night,"Mikey yawned again.
"Seems to be boring you though."
"Dude I didn't get to sleep til fucking two in the morning. I was searching everywhere for you. And then Mom got home at half four so I was up again to try and convince her to do something but she just told me to get some sleep becaue you were probably in bed with some guy. Guess the was right about that,"He grinned.

I rolled my eyes and drank my coffee, thoughts of Frank drifting into my mind.
"So what are you doing today?"Mikey asked, sculling the rest of his coffee.
"Working. First day."
"What about afterwards? Do you wanna catch a movie or go to the arcade or something?"
"Yeah I- no I can't actually. I'm going to see Frank."
"What, are you guys in love now?"MIkey snorted.
"No. We're not. It's nothing like that."
"Except for when you almost slept with him,"Mikey pointed out.
"True but I was heavily drunk and grieving and he was grieving hard out and slightly drunk. Doesn't count."
"Yeah yeah whatever. Right I'm going back to bed with my girlfriend. It's good to know you're safe and alive and not hungover,"Mikey gave me an affectionate pat on the shoulder before leaving. I sat for a minute, finishing my coffee, before getting up and leaving for work.

Notes

sorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorry