December 1st

"Oi, idiot. Where is this coffee for? What table?"Miranda demanded behind me. I blinked away the tears and turned to face her.
"Uh- three,"I blurted out.
"Remember to actually put it in with the order next time,"She glared at me before walking away with the coffee. I mumbled a 'yes' even though she was gone and decided to go to the bathroom.
"Just popping to the loo,"I said to my boss, Lily.
"Yeah sure whatever,"She waved a hand in my direction, not looking up from her laptop in the office.

I fumbled to lock the bathroom door behind me, sinking to the floor slowly while I tried not to cry. It hadn't even been that bad of a day. Just the usual shit really. I tried to steady my breathing as I made myself get up and face myself in the mirror. I looked like crap. My hair going in every direction known to man and my eyeliner doing nothing to cover up the bags under my eyes. I pushed my sleeves up to splash water in my face but froze when I noticed a few of my cuts had broken open. I snatched a square of toilet paper and dabbed up the few droplets of blood before dropping it in the toilet. I turned the tap on and splasahed water in my face, telling myself to perk up at least the tiniest bit.

I tried smiling at myself in the mirror but it just succeeded in making me want to break down over how hard that was. I took a few deep breaths, letting them out slowly as I made sure there was no evidence of tears left on my face. I pulled my sleeves down carefully and walked out as if nothing was wrong.
"Look I don't see it getting any busier so you can go home if you want,"Lily sighed, staring at the empty cafe.
"I- okay. I'll uh... Clock out,"I sighed right back, trying to tell her that I would give anything for her not to be sending me home.
"Awesome. Have a good weekend!"She called airily and went back into her office.

I took my apron off and hung it on my hook, replacing it with my jacket and bag, before trudging out, ignoring Miranda's look of disgust. I wrapped my thin jacket around me tighter as a gust of icy wind rocked me, walking towards my shitty little flat. Something dropped on my head. I looked up, hoping to god it wasn't bird shit, and sighed as it started raining. I didn't have a hood or an umbrella. Fuck. I put my head down and started walking faster, past the people as they put up their umbrellas. As the wind picked up and the rain fell faster, I contemplated taking shelter in a store. One particularly strong gust of wind decided for me, pushing me towards the video game store.

I shook the wet out of my hair and looked around sadly. I wish I had the money for this place. But no. I probably wasn't going to get paid enough to make rent this week, let alone have enough for a new video game. I glanced over my shoulder and shuddered at the sight of the weather. I'd wait it out in here. I started walking around, not actually looking at anything, just trying to warm up. It was actually warm in here as well. I wasn't paying much attention to anything but a few words did reach my ears and made me go cold inside.
"I wouldn't walk around with arms like that,"I heard a man say. Instinctively I looked down at my arms. There was a tiny speck of blood soaking through, near my elbow, but otherwise you couldn't see anything.

I looked around for the source of the voice.
"Sorry, Sir? What did you say?"A girl replied.
"I said I wouldn't want to be seen in public if I had arms like yours,"He said. I stood on my tiptoes and could just see a tall man looking down at someone, a look of superiority and disgust on his face. There was only one other guy in here, a fat guy in an Assassins Creed t-shirt and he was reading the back of a game so it had to be this tall guy. I crept around the shelves, getting closer to them.
"I- I don't know what you mean..."The girl stuttered out.
"Look at them. All those ugly scars. Ugly like you. Emo faggot,"He spat.

I reached the end of an aisle and came face to face with a girl about my age and a guy about twice the size of her. He had his back to me now and the girl. She looked on the verge of exploding. Her arms were straight next to her, hands balled into fists. What caught my attention wasn't the scars not unlike my own, but it was her eyes. Full of sadness and a fierceness I had only ever seen in my Godfather, Greg.
"I'd appreciate it if you didn't speak to me like that Sir,"She said with such a niceness in her voice even a fucking dog could tell she was being sarcastic.

"I'll speak to you however the fuck I want,"The guy growled.
"No. You wont. You do not know me. You're not my father. Not my boyfriend. Not my best friend. You are nothing to me. You're probably nothing to everyone you know you insensitve prick. These are my arms. My scars. Don't you dare come in here and ask for a game that hasn't been sold in years and then start calling me names and mocking something that I have been through. Fuck you, you vain fat kidneyed foot licker."
I snorted. Loudly. The guy turned around and looked at me, the girl also focusing on me for the first time.
"I'd like to speak to your manager,"The guy said, outrageous.
"No problem Sir,"She smiled at him suddenly, injecting a sickly sweet tone into her voice,"Follow me. I'll find him for you."

She strode past me, tears bristling in her eyes for a split second. The guy glared at me as he followed her. I watched them head to the counter, the girl going behind and out back. I moved closer, interested in what was going to happen. There was some arguing and then a gruff looking guy walked out, thick mustache and glasses to make him look like even more of a hard case.
"Sir would you like to tell me what happened?"
"Yes I bloody well would. She insulted me! She said fuck you, you vain fat foor kidney something."
"Dammit Alicia. This is the third time you've done this,"He sighed as the girl walked out, looking furious,"I've warned you about this but you keep doing it. You're fired. Come in tomorrow as usual and we can go over the procedure but right now I want you gone."
"But I-"
"Now!"
"Fine."

She disappeared out the back and returned, shoving her arm into a jacket while holding a bag in the other one.
"What time tomorrow?"
"Ten."
"Fine,"She muttered and started marching out of the store. I followed her out, feeling a weird urge to talk to her. She was already halfway up the now empty street, everyone either taking shelter somewhere or in cars.
"Hey! Hey girl!"I shouted, running after her.

She looked over her shoulder and stopped, watching me run up to her. When I actually reached her I wasn't sure what to say.
"Are- are you okay?"I stammered, my teeth chattering in the cold.
"Fine and fucking dandy,"She started walking again so I followed. It was the direction I was going in anyway.
"He was completely out of line. You shouldn't be fired for that."
"Maybe not on that alone but I've yelled at customers before. Not even for something as personal as that. Angus has every right to fire me,"She almost yelled, trying to be heard over the wind.
"I- You're not ugly."

She stopped walking and looked at me, tears forming in her eyes.
"None of what he said is true. You have no reason to be ashamed of your scars. You're not ugly because of them. You're not ugly hands down. You're beautiful."
"Thank you,"She sniffed, blinking the tears out of her eyes, a couple escaping and falling slowly down her cheeks,"I- I have a boyfriend. Thats where I'm going now."
"Oh no don't worry I'm not hitting on you. I'm- you're not my type,"I chuckled as we started walking.
"Sorry I just-"She stopped talking and grabbed my left hand.

"Hey!"I tried pulling out of her grip but she was holding on strongly. She gave me a searching look before carefully pulling up my sleeve. I was surprised she hadn't seen earlier. The deepest cuts near my elbow were bleeding quite heavily and had soaked through my shitty blue work shirt and my fucking jacket. That was going to be hard to get out.
"Oh sweetie,"She said sadly, eyeing up the angry red cuts and scars,"Do you- what-"She cut off with an angry sigh,"Where do you live?"
"Corner of Symond and Wellesly."
"Alright good I walk past there. Come on, talk to me."She said, letting go of me and continuing walking.

I stared at her back, pulling my sleeve down roughly and wincing.
"Come on! Do you want to freeze to death?"She called.
"Uh... Yeah. Yeah I do,"I called back, trudging after her. I hadn't even noticed the rain stop.
"Dude that's not funny,"She said as I caught up to her.
"Sorry."
"Don't be. I used to be like that. I understand how you feel but- don't make jokes like that."
"So... Only scars?"I shrugged my shoulders, panting heavily as we walked up a hill.
"No cutting for just over six months,"She said proudly.

"Wow. Thats amazing. I'm happy for you,"I looked at her in awe.
"You can have that as well. If you put your heart into it. The easiest way is to think of it as every day is a new record,"She said as we turned onto Symond Street,"What's the longest you've gone?"
"I- I haven't ever tried."
"Right so you'll definitely need help,"She started rummaging around in her bag and produced a pen and piece of paper,"This is my number. You work at that cafe down the road from my work right?"She said as she scribbled down her number.
"Yeah."
"Awesome. I'll drop in tomorrow after I finish up at the store and check on you. You- did you cut today?"
"This morning yeah."

A look of pain flashed across her face before she said,"Okay well today is the last time you will ever cut. Remember the date because this day next year, you and I will be out celebrating no cutting for a year. Here,"She shoved her number into my hand,"Call me anytime you feel like cutting or talking or anything at all. Alright? No matter what time or what I'm doing I will be there to listen to you. What's your name?"
"Frank. Frank Iero."
"I'm Alicia Simmons,"She smiled as we reached the corner where my shitty flat above the worst chinese store in town was,"I'll see you tomorrow okay?"
"Bye..."I watched as she crossed the road, arms wrapped around her tight, and continued down Symonds street.

The wind picked up and almost knocked me off my feet, making me realise how cold I was. I turned around and pulled my keys out, fumbling to get the key in the door. The door slammed shut behind me, alerting my landlord to the fact that I was home. Fuck. He burst through the door, yelling about how I better have my rent tomorrow.
"I will have it! Let me get out of my wet clothes before you start yelling at me at least!"I shouted back. He glared at me before retreating back into his stupid shop. I thumped up the stairs and jammed my key into the lock, jiggling the crap out of it just to get inside.

When I got in, it was freezing. I stared at the thermostat and almost punched the wall. It was fucking broken again. I dumped my bag and keys on the table by the door and walked the two steps to my bed, flopping down with a huge groan. A few minutes later my stomach rumbled.
"I fucking hate everything,"I sang quietly as I dragged myself over to my fridge. I pulled it open and stared. There was a tomato and a pot of butter in there. There was just enough milk for a coffee in the morning but otherwise that was it. I had one piece of bread left and right now my stomach was making a pretty good argument to just starve tomorrow and have a tomato sandwich tonight.

"Fuck it. I'll starve,"I sighed and grabbed the tomato and the bread and butter. I grabbed the only clean knife I had left and stabbed it into the tomato. It was barely sharp enough so I had to work it through, using it like a saw. I jumped when my phone rang out in the quiet room. I walked over to my bag and pulled out the most expensive thing I owned. My shitty brick phone. It was an unknown number.
"Hello?"
"Frank, hi. It's Lily."
"Oh uh hello. Is everything okay?"
"Yeah uh after some consideration coupled with a few complaints from other staff, we've decided to terminate your contract."

"What- what do you mean?"I stammered out, my heart rate picking up and my palms sweating.
"We're letting you go. We can't really afford to have you anymore and you're the only employee we've had complaints about."
"Yeah, and who made the complaints?"
"They're anonymous."
"Oh so they could all be fucking Miranda with her stupid homophobia,"I snarled.
"Frank please don't make this more difficult than it already is. I'll give you a bloody good reference and you're going to get all your holiday pay which has built up a bit."
"O-Okay."
"I am sorry about this Frank. Come in tomorrow at about ten and we can sort out the details."
"Okay..."I hung up with a sigh.

I was out of a job. I had no money. No food and now no job. I dumped my phone on my bed and stared at it before going back to my pathetic sandwich. It was getting dark outside and the wind was picking up even more, rattling the windows loudly. I sat on my bed and stared out the window, watching the rain fall as I ate my sandwich. Cliche and stupid as fuck but I had nothing better to do. Even when I had finished my sandwich I stayed sitting there, deciding on whether or not to go out for a walk before I went to bed. I decided against it and started pulling my clothes off, glaring at my stupid blood stains. I pulled open my drawer, hoping to god I had another work top in there. I yanked my two t-shirts out and my second pair of jeans and found my blade sitting on top of my work shirt.

I stared at it, tears pricking at my eyes. Very slowly I reached down and pulled it out, looking at the evil thing nestling in the palm of my shaking hand.
"She did say today was the last day that I will ever cut... It's not over yet... Maybe just one last cut..."That little bastard of a voice in my head said. It liked to claim that it was logical. But deep down I knew I was just looking for an excuse to cut. I looked down at my arm. There was barely anywhere left to cut. I pulled up the end of my boxers and sighed. I hadn't cut my legs in a while. There were just big horrible scars staring up at me.
"Besides. I highly doubt I'm going to see her ever again. People are never that nice to me. Ever... Fuck it."

I flicked the light off and got into bed. I pulled my blanket over me and clenched the blade tightly in my hand, squeezing my eyes shut as my palm broke open and the tears came in huge wrenching sobs. Three years. Three whole fucking years I'd been falling asleep like this. I cried. I cried for the life I wish I had. For the family I wish I had. I cried for other people like me. I cried for Alicia. I cried for Greg. I cried myself into a sleep filled with suicide, dirty black hair and alcohol.

*

December 2nd

"What did you do to your hand?"Lily clocked the bandage as soon as I walked in.
"Oh my hand slipped when I was cutting a tomato for dinner last night,"I lied,"Hurt like a bitch."
"I can imagine,"She said, staring at my hand. I looked at my bandage, making sure it was still in place. About an hour after I had fallen asleep I had woken up with my hand caked in dried blood. After washing it clean I had used my last bandage to stem the bleeding from the parts that had broken open. I had no idea how it was so long but I didn't really care.
"Alright lets get down to business,"Lily smiled at me as we sat down in the office. She pulled out some forms and handed them to me with a pen,"I need you to sign these."

"I- I can't,"I gestured to my hand.
"Oh right shit. Okay well uh just try and use your left hand I guess."
"Last time I did that I cut my hand,"I muttered.
"You're an idiot. Okay. So you've got a week left of working. I know it's not two weeks notice but its all I can afford to give you I'm afraid. But don't worry. With the reference I've written you you'll find a new job in no time,"She smiled widely at me. She was trying to be friendly and act like a nice boss but her smiles never reached her eyes and she was probably just desperate to get rid of me.
"That's okay I don't mind,"I mumbled, awkwardly writing F.Iero.

A few more minutes had passed before I had managed to sign everything.
"Hey, thanks for being so understanding about this,"She said as we stood up and walked to the door.
"No problem,"I mumbled, hating myself for being so kind and understanding towards someone who very obviously hated me.
"Okay well you can start work now."
"I- I didn't bring my uniform. I thought yesterday was my last day. Sorry,"I shuffled on my feet as the door opened behind me, ringing the bell.
"Oh no problem. I think we've got a shirt out back. Just go have a look."

I nodded and went through the kitchen into the locker room out back. I shoved my bag and jacket on a hook quickly, glancing over my shoulder to make sure no one came in. I yanked open the bag and pulled out the last work shirt that was in there. I quickly yanked my t-shirt off and pulled the work one on.
"Oh fuck,"I stared in horror at my bare arms. There were no sleeves. None of my cuts were bleeding today but they were barely scabbing over. Very clearly self harm.
Miranda burst into the room,"Frank come on we've got- oh my god."
"Miranda I-"
"Jesus christ. Cover that up. You can't go working with arms like that!"She hissed at me.

"Don't you think I would if I could? God. I didn't think I'd be working today so I didn't bring my-"
"I dont give a fuck,"She rolled her eyes,"Sort that out or go home,"She snarled and left me alone.
"Fuck,"I groaned. I looked around, desperate for anything to cover my arms. The first aid kit was sitting on top of the lockers in a corner. I rushed over and stood on my tiptoes to try and pick it up.
"Mother fucker!"I shouted out. Jumping only succeeded in dragging my arm down the edge, breaking open damn near all of them.
"Frank what are youu doing?"Lily said behind me. I froze.
"Uh-"I turned around, putting my arms behind my back,"I can't reach the first aid kit."
"Is your bandage coming undone?"
"No I uh-"
"Send him home Lily! He can't work today!"Miranda called.

"Yeah I uh- I'm not feeling good at all. I was trying to see if there were any painkillers in there,"I started edging towards my bag.
"Oh well uh- go home I guess. Feel better soon,"She waved awkwardly before she turned around and left, making a beeline for the coffee machine. I grabbed my jacket and pulled it on, ignoring the bursts of pain. I grabbed my bag and kept my head down as I walked as fast as I could out of there. Outside it was cold as fuck. I was half bent over, the wind ridiculously strong. Pretty soon it was going to start snowing. I was shocked it hadn't started already.
"Fuck I'm so sorry,"I gasped as I knocked someone to the ground,"I'm so so sorry!"
"It's okay,"She looked up at me, taking my outstretched hand,"Frank. Where are you off to? I was just about to come see you."
I stared at her for a second, a fierce battle over whether to trust and believe her or not raging in my head,"Oh I uh I wasn't feeling well so they sent me home,"I said, pulling her to her feet.

"Mm hmm. Come on,"She linked arms with me as we started walking like yesterday. Alicia stayed silent as we trudged up the hill. When we turned onto Symond Street she broke the silence,"Did you cut this morning?"
"No."
"Really? Thats good! I'm happy for you,"She smiled widely at me as we came to a stop outside my flat.
"I- thanks... I cut last night though,"I gestured to my right hand.
"That- thats okay. Yesterday was your last day. So do you actually feel sick or did you just want a day off?"
"Just a day off,"I muttered, reaching into my bag for my keys.
"Great! Do you wanna grab some lunch?"

I froze. I had no money til tomorrow. But going back inside my flat would alert my landlord to the fact that I was home and he would bug me for rent. I had to stay out of the flat til after eight when he would go out til midnight,"I don't have any money,"I confessed, dropping my keys back in my bag and moving out of sight of my landlord. He worked in the kitchen of his shop out back but I had seen him come out the front once or twice before.
"That's okay. My shout,"Alicia smiled and looked up and down the road,"My boyfriend is coming as well. I know this great little cafe at the end of Waterloo Avenue Come on,"She smiled and pulled me onto the road with her. I was completely helpless. This girl had taken my words to the heart and was now trying to return the favour by trying to make me better. Buy me lunch. I felt like throwing up it was so weird.

"So when I went into work today, that stupid idiot from yesterday was there! He wanted to watch me sign my termination contract and then, when I left the store, he followed me and laughed at me. Then I told him that because I don't work there anymore I could say whatever the fuck I want to and told him that if he didn't leave me alone I'd punch him in the nuts in self defense and call the police. I also told him he was an ugly ignorant pig and he left,"She grinned proudly as we turned off of Symond Street and onto Arkles Road. I had never even been here before. There were a few shops dotted about but it was mostly just houses.
"Thats pretty awesome,"I couldn't help but smile,"And what you called him yesterday? Genius."
"That's what my boyfriend's brother said when I told him,"She grinned.

"Where are we going?"I asked, looking around at the lack of shops at this end of the street.
"My boyfriends house."
"Oh. Does he know you've kidnapped me for lunch?"
"Hey, if you wanna go back home I'm not stopping you,"She held her hands up,"And yes. He does know. He starts work afterwards though so he probably wont want to go to Waterloo. Unless he's got his car... I think Gerard's got it though,"She mumbled to herself as we walked.
"How much further? It's freezing."
"Just up here,"Alicia actually focussed on where we were,"Oh. Damn. Gerard must have the car,"She sighed, staring at the stretch of road empty of cars. We reached number 65 Arkles Road and stopped.

"This is my boyfriend's house. He lives with his Mom and now his brother who got here yesterday. I would avoid talking to Mikey about him though. It's a sensitive subject in this house,"She said, checking the letterbox.
"Mikey being your boyfriend?"I followed her up the path. Most of the houses we had passed were full on suburban places. Green grass, flower beds, trimmed. But this house was definitely beyond that. The lawn was a dark dead green. The only bright green came from the few weeds sticking up all over the place.
"Yup,"She winked at me over her shoulder and rang the doorbell.

"You can check their mail but you still ring the doorbell?"
"Shut it. I've walked in once before when nobody was home but his Mom and his Mom's date. Never again."
"Fair enough,"I muttered, looking over my shoulder as a dog started barking somewhere. The door opened and a tall skinny dude with black hair stood there, smiling widely.
"Hey babe,"He leaned forward and kissed her before turning to look at me,"You must be Sir Frank. The knight who was there for my Queen in her time of need."
"Uh yeah that's me,"I smiled and bowed down,"Anything for Her Grace."
"I like him. He's funny,"Mikey chuckled,"Come on get in out of the cold."

Inside it was a lot nicer than the garden. It had a cosy feel to it and the warmth made me feel a lot better about being in a stranger's house.
"I still need to get ready for work so just make yourselves a drink or something. I won't be longer than twenty minutes,"He called, walking down the hall and into a room at the end. Alicia turned into a different room so I slowly followed into a kitchen.
"Do you want some coffee?"She said as she boiled a jug and got mugs out.
"Uh yeah okay. Milk two sugars."
"Awesome. Go set up the X-Box and we'll play a game."

I turned around and went back into the hall. Directly across from me was the lounge. I went over to the tv and stared at it all. It had been a while since I had played video games. Three years basically. The last time had been the day before my godfather, Greg, had died. I had just gotten home from work and Greg had been cleaning up after his last student for the day. He had ordered pizza and we'd spent the rest of the night playing video games. The next day he had a heart attack and had died on the way to the hospital. After the funeral his family had kicked me out out. It hadn't been a blood relation after all. Right when that funeral ended, that had been what had caused my life to start rolling downhill. Without Greg, I had no friends.

My family hated me because I was gay. They had kicked me out at sixteen. Greg had taken me in and had been the only person to not give me shit for it. He had given me a room and had helped me get a job. After he had died, I had taken bereavement leave. When I got back there was a new owner and new staff. Thank christ they had kept me on. Until now of course.
"You having trouble?"Alicia pulled me out of my thoughts.
"Oh no I just got distracted with my thoughts,"I mumbled.
"Well your coffee is on the left. Here I'll do-"
"I'm ready! You guys ready to go?"
"Damn,"She sighed.
Mikey walked into the room and looked at us,"I guess not. Leave your coffees. I want lunch.""Oi, idiot. Where is this coffee for? What table?"Miranda demanded behind me. I blinked away the tears and turned to face her.
"Uh- three,"I blurted out.
"Remember to actually put it in with the order next time,"She glared at me before walking away with the coffee. I mumbled a 'yes' even though she was gone and decided to go to the bathroom.
"Just popping to the loo,"I said to my boss, Lily.
"Yeah sure whatever,"She waved a hand in my direction, not looking up from her laptop in the office.

I fumbled to lock the bathroom door behind me, sinking to the floor slowly while I tried not to cry. It hadn't even been that bad of a day. Just the usual shit really. I tried to steady my breathing as I made myself get up and face myself in the mirror. I looked like crap. My hair going in every direction known to man and my eyeliner doing nothing to cover up the bags under my eyes. I pushed my sleeves up to splash water in my face but froze when I noticed a few of my cuts had broken open. I snatched a square of toilet paper and dabbed up the few droplets of blood before dropping it in the toilet. I turned the tap on and splasahed water in my face, telling myself to perk up at least the tiniest bit.

I tried smiling at myself in the mirror but it just succeeded in making me want to break down over how hard that was. I took a few deep breaths, letting them out slowly as I made sure there was no evidence of tears left on my face. I pulled my sleeves down carefully and walked out as if nothing was wrong.
"Look I don't see it getting any busier so you can go home if you want,"Lily sighed, staring at the empty cafe.
"I- okay. I'll uh... Clock out,"I sighed right back, trying to tell her that I would give anything for her not to be sending me home.
"Awesome. Have a good weekend!"She called airily and went back into her office.

I took my apron off and hung it on my hook, replacing it with my jacket and bag, before trudging out, ignoring Miranda's look of disgust. I wrapped my thin jacket around me tighter as a gust of icy wind rocked me, walking towards my shitty little flat. Something dropped on my head. I looked up, hoping to god it wasn't bird shit, and sighed as it started raining. I didn't have a hood or an umbrella. Fuck. I put my head down and started walking faster, past the people as they put up their umbrellas. As the wind picked up and the rain fell faster, I contemplated taking shelter in a store. One particularly strong gust of wind decided for me, pushing me towards the video game store.

I shook the wet out of my hair and looked around sadly. I wish I had the money for this place. But no. I probably wasn't going to get paid enough to make rent this week, let alone have enough for a new video game. I glanced over my shoulder and shuddered at the sight of the weather. I'd wait it out in here. I started walking around, not actually looking at anything, just trying to warm up. It was actually warm in here as well. I wasn't paying much attention to anything but a few words did reach my ears and made me go cold inside.
"I wouldn't walk around with arms like that,"I heard a man say. Instinctively I looked down at my arms. There was a tiny speck of blood soaking through, near my elbow, but otherwise you couldn't see anything.

I looked around for the source of the voice.
"Sorry, Sir? What did you say?"A girl replied.
"I said I wouldn't want to be seen in public if I had arms like yours,"He said. I stood on my tiptoes and could just see a tall man looking down at someone, a look of superiority and disgust on his face. There was only one other guy in here, a fat guy in an Assassins Creed t-shirt and he was reading the back of a game so it had to be this tall guy. I crept around the shelves, getting closer to them.
"I- I don't know what you mean..."The girl stuttered out.
"Look at them. All those ugly scars. Ugly like you. Emo faggot,"He spat.

I reached the end of an aisle and came face to face with a girl about my age and a guy about twice the size of her. He had his back to me now and the girl. She looked on the verge of exploding. Her arms were straight next to her, hands balled into fists. What caught my attention wasn't the scars not unlike my own, but it was her eyes. Full of sadness and a fierceness I had only ever seen in my Godfather, Greg.
"I'd appreciate it if you didn't speak to me like that Sir,"She said with such a niceness in her voice even a fucking dog could tell she was being sarcastic.

"I'll speak to you however the fuck I want,"The guy growled.
"No. You wont. You do not know me. You're not my father. Not my boyfriend. Not my best friend. You are nothing to me. You're probably nothing to everyone you know you insensitve prick. These are my arms. My scars. Don't you dare come in here and ask for a game that hasn't been sold in years and then start calling me names and mocking something that I have been through. Fuck you, you vain fat kidneyed foot licker."
I snorted. Loudly. The guy turned around and looked at me, the girl also focusing on me for the first time.
"I'd like to speak to your manager,"The guy said, outrageous.
"No problem Sir,"She smiled at him suddenly, injecting a sickly sweet tone into her voice,"Follow me. I'll find him for you."

She strode past me, tears bristling in her eyes for a split second. The guy glared at me as he followed her. I watched them head to the counter, the girl going behind and out back. I moved closer, interested in what was going to happen. There was some arguing and then a gruff looking guy walked out, thick mustache and glasses to make him look like even more of a hard case.
"Sir would you like to tell me what happened?"
"Yes I bloody well would. She insulted me! She said fuck you, you vain fat foor kidney something."
"Dammit Alicia. This is the third time you've done this,"He sighed as the girl walked out, looking furious,"I've warned you about this but you keep doing it. You're fired. Come in tomorrow as usual and we can go over the procedure but right now I want you gone."
"But I-"
"Now!"
"Fine."

She disappeared out the back and returned, shoving her arm into a jacket while holding a bag in the other one.
"What time tomorrow?"
"Ten."
"Fine,"She muttered and started marching out of the store. I followed her out, feeling a weird urge to talk to her. She was already halfway up the now empty street, everyone either taking shelter somewhere or in cars.
"Hey! Hey girl!"I shouted, running after her.

She looked over her shoulder and stopped, watching me run up to her. When I actually reached her I wasn't sure what to say.
"Are- are you okay?"I stammered, my teeth chattering in the cold.
"Fine and fucking dandy,"She started walking again so I followed. It was the direction I was going in anyway.
"He was completely out of line. You shouldn't be fired for that."
"Maybe not on that alone but I've yelled at customers before. Not even for something as personal as that. Angus has every right to fire me,"She almost yelled, trying to be heard over the wind.
"I- You're not ugly."

She stopped walking and looked at me, tears forming in her eyes.
"None of what he said is true. You have no reason to be ashamed of your scars. You're not ugly because of them. You're not ugly hands down. You're beautiful."
"Thank you,"She sniffed, blinking the tears out of her eyes, a couple escaping and falling slowly down her cheeks,"I- I have a boyfriend. Thats where I'm going now."
"Oh no don't worry I'm not hitting on you. I'm- you're not my type,"I chuckled as we started walking.
"Sorry I just-"She stopped talking and grabbed my left hand.

"Hey!"I tried pulling out of her grip but she was holding on strongly. She gave me a searching look before carefully pulling up my sleeve. I was surprised she hadn't seen earlier. The deepest cuts near my elbow were bleeding quite heavily and had soaked through my shitty blue work shirt and my fucking jacket. That was going to be hard to get out.
"Oh sweetie,"She said sadly, eyeing up the angry red cuts and scars,"Do you- what-"She cut off with an angry sigh,"Where do you live?"
"Corner of Symond and Wellesly."
"Alright good I walk past there. Come on, talk to me."She said, letting go of me and continuing walking.

I stared at her back, pulling my sleeve down roughly and wincing.
"Come on! Do you want to freeze to death?"She called.
"Uh... Yeah. Yeah I do,"I called back, trudging after her. I hadn't even noticed the rain stop.
"Dude that's not funny,"She said as I caught up to her.
"Sorry."
"Don't be. I used to be like that. I understand how you feel but- don't make jokes like that."
"So... Only scars?"I shrugged my shoulders, panting heavily as we walked up a hill.
"No cutting for just over six months,"She said proudly.

"Wow. Thats amazing. I'm happy for you,"I looked at her in awe.
"You can have that as well. If you put your heart into it. The easiest way is to think of it as every day is a new record,"She said as we turned onto Symond Street,"What's the longest you've gone?"
"I- I haven't ever tried."
"Right so you'll definitely need help,"She started rummaging around in her bag and produced a pen and piece of paper,"This is my number. You work at that cafe down the road from my work right?"She said as she scribbled down her number.
"Yeah."
"Awesome. I'll drop in tomorrow after I finish up at the store and check on you. You- did you cut today?"
"This morning yeah."

A look of pain flashed across her face before she said,"Okay well today is the last time you will ever cut. Remember the date because this day next year, you and I will be out celebrating no cutting for a year. Here,"She shoved her number into my hand,"Call me anytime you feel like cutting or talking or anything at all. Alright? No matter what time or what I'm doing I will be there to listen to you. What's your name?"
"Frank. Frank Iero."
"I'm Alicia Simmons,"She smiled as we reached the corner where my shitty flat above the worst chinese store in town was,"I'll see you tomorrow okay?"
"Bye..."I watched as she crossed the road, arms wrapped around her tight, and continued down Symonds street.

The wind picked up and almost knocked me off my feet, making me realise how cold I was. I turned around and pulled my keys out, fumbling to get the key in the door. The door slammed shut behind me, alerting my landlord to the fact that I was home. Fuck. He burst through the door, yelling about how I better have my rent tomorrow.
"I will have it! Let me get out of my wet clothes before you start yelling at me at least!"I shouted back. He glared at me before retreating back into his stupid shop. I thumped up the stairs and jammed my key into the lock, jiggling the crap out of it just to get inside.

When I got in, it was freezing. I stared at the thermostat and almost punched the wall. It was fucking broken again. I dumped my bag and keys on the table by the door and walked the two steps to my bed, flopping down with a huge groan. A few minutes later my stomach rumbled.
"I fucking hate everything,"I sang quietly as I dragged myself over to my fridge. I pulled it open and stared. There was a tomato and a pot of butter in there. There was just enough milk for a coffee in the morning but otherwise that was it. I had one piece of bread left and right now my stomach was making a pretty good argument to just starve tomorrow and have a tomato sandwich tonight.

"Fuck it. I'll starve,"I sighed and grabbed the tomato and the bread and butter. I grabbed the only clean knife I had left and stabbed it into the tomato. It was barely sharp enough so I had to work it through, using it like a saw. I jumped when my phone rang out in the quiet room. I walked over to my bag and pulled out the most expensive thing I owned. My shitty brick phone. It was an unknown number.
"Hello?"
"Frank, hi. It's Lily."
"Oh uh hello. Is everything okay?"
"Yeah uh after some consideration coupled with a few complaints from other staff, we've decided to terminate your contract."

"What- what do you mean?"I stammered out, my heart rate picking up and my palms sweating.
"We're letting you go. We can't really afford to have you anymore and you're the only employee we've had complaints about."
"Yeah, and who made the complaints?"
"They're anonymous."
"Oh so they could all be fucking Miranda with her stupid homophobia,"I snarled.
"Frank please don't make this more difficult than it already is. I'll give you a bloody good reference and you're going to get all your holiday pay which has built up a bit."
"O-Okay."
"I am sorry about this Frank. Come in tomorrow at about ten and we can sort out the details."
"Okay..."I hung up with a sigh.

I was out of a job. I had no money. No food and now no job. I dumped my phone on my bed and stared at it before going back to my pathetic sandwich. It was getting dark outside and the wind was picking up even more, rattling the windows loudly. I sat on my bed and stared out the window, watching the rain fall as I ate my sandwich. Cliche and stupid as fuck but I had nothing better to do. Even when I had finished my sandwich I stayed sitting there, deciding on whether or not to go out for a walk before I went to bed. I decided against it and started pulling my clothes off, glaring at my stupid blood stains. I pulled open my drawer, hoping to god I had another work top in there. I yanked my two t-shirts out and my second pair of jeans and found my blade sitting on top of my work shirt.

I stared at it, tears pricking at my eyes. Very slowly I reached down and pulled it out, looking at the evil thing nestling in the palm of my shaking hand.
"She did say today was the last day that I will ever cut... It's not over yet... Maybe just one last cut..."That little bastard of a voice in my head said. It liked to claim that it was logical. But deep down I knew I was just looking for an excuse to cut. I looked down at my arm. There was barely anywhere left to cut. I pulled up the end of my boxers and sighed. I hadn't cut my legs in a while. There were just big horrible scars staring up at me.
"Besides. I highly doubt I'm going to see her ever again. People are never that nice to me. Ever... Fuck it."

I flicked the light off and got into bed. I pulled my blanket over me and clenched the blade tightly in my hand, squeezing my eyes shut as my palm broke open and the tears came in huge wrenching sobs. Three years. Three whole fucking years I'd been falling asleep like this. I cried. I cried for the life I wish I had. For the family I wish I had. I cried for other people like me. I cried for Alicia. I cried for Greg. I cried myself into a sleep filled with suicide, dirty black hair and alcohol.

*

"What did you do to your hand?"Lily clocked the bandage as soon as I walked in.
"Oh my hand slipped when I was cutting a tomato for dinner last night,"I lied,"Hurt like a bitch."
"I can imagine,"She said, staring at my hand. I looked at my bandage, making sure it was still in place. About an hour after I had fallen asleep I had woken up with my hand caked in dried blood. After washing it clean I had used my last bandage to stem the bleeding from the parts that had broken open. I had no idea how it was so long but I didn't really care.
"Alright lets get down to business,"Lily smiled at me as we sat down in the office. She pulled out some forms and handed them to me with a pen,"I need you to sign these."

"I- I can't,"I gestured to my hand.
"Oh right shit. Okay well uh just try and use your left hand I guess."
"Last time I did that I cut my hand,"I muttered.
"You're an idiot. Okay. So you've got a week left of working. I know it's not two weeks notice but its all I can afford to give you I'm afraid. But don't worry. With the reference I've written you you'll find a new job in no time,"She smiled widely at me. She was trying to be friendly and act like a nice boss but her smiles never reached her eyes and she was probably just desperate to get rid of me.
"That's okay I don't mind,"I mumbled, awkwardly writing F.Iero.

A few more minutes had passed before I had managed to sign everything.
"Hey, thanks for being so understanding about this,"She said as we stood up and walked to the door.
"No problem,"I mumbled, hating myself for being so kind and understanding towards someone who very obviously hated me.
"Okay well you can start work now."
"I- I didn't bring my uniform. I thought yesterday was my last day. Sorry,"I shuffled on my feet as the door opened behind me, ringing the bell.
"Oh no problem. I think we've got a shirt out back. Just go have a look."

I nodded and went through the kitchen into the locker room out back. I shoved my bag and jacket on a hook quickly, glancing over my shoulder to make sure no one came in. I yanked open the bag and pulled out the last work shirt that was in there. I quickly yanked my t-shirt off and pulled the work one on.
"Oh fuck,"I stared in horror at my bare arms. There were no sleeves. None of my cuts were bleeding today but they were barely scabbing over. Very clearly self harm.
Miranda burst into the room,"Frank come on we've got- oh my god."
"Miranda I-"
"Jesus christ. Cover that up. You can't go working with arms like that!"She hissed at me.

"Don't you think I would if I could? God. I didn't think I'd be working today so I didn't bring my-"
"I dont give a fuck,"She rolled her eyes,"Sort that out or go home,"She snarled and left me alone.
"Fuck,"I groaned. I looked around, desperate for anything to cover my arms. The first aid kit was sitting on top of the lockers in a corner. I rushed over and stood on my tiptoes to try and pick it up.
"Mother fucker!"I shouted out. Jumping only succeeded in dragging my arm down the edge, breaking open damn near all of them.
"Frank what are youu doing?"Lily said behind me. I froze.
"Uh-"I turned around, putting my arms behind my back,"I can't reach the first aid kit."
"Is your bandage coming undone?"
"No I uh-"
"Send him home Lily! He can't work today!"Miranda called.

"Yeah I uh- I'm not feeling good at all. I was trying to see if there were any painkillers in there,"I started edging towards my bag.
"Oh well uh- go home I guess. Feel better soon,"She waved awkwardly before she turned around and left, making a beeline for the coffee machine. I grabbed my jacket and pulled it on, ignoring the bursts of pain. I grabbed my bag and kept my head down as I walked as fast as I could out of there. Outside it was cold as fuck. I was half bent over, the wind ridiculously strong. Pretty soon it was going to start snowing. I was shocked it hadn't started already.
"Fuck I'm so sorry,"I gasped as I knocked someone to the ground,"I'm so so sorry!"
"It's okay,"She looked up at me, taking my outstretched hand,"Frank. Where are you off to? I was just about to come see you."
I stared at her for a second, a fierce battle over whether to trust and believe her or not raging in my head,"Oh I uh I wasn't feeling well so they sent me home,"I said, pulling her to her feet.

"Mm hmm. Come on,"She linked arms with me as we started walking like yesterday. Alicia stayed silent as we trudged up the hill. When we turned onto Symond Street she broke the silence,"Did you cut this morning?"
"No."
"Really? Thats good! I'm happy for you,"She smiled widely at me as we came to a stop outside my flat.
"I- thanks... I cut last night though,"I gestured to my right hand.
"That- thats okay. Yesterday was your last day. So do you actually feel sick or did you just want a day off?"
"Just a day off,"I muttered, reaching into my bag for my keys.
"Great! Do you wanna grab some lunch?"

I froze. I had no money til tomorrow. But going back inside my flat would alert my landlord to the fact that I was home and he would bug me for rent. I had to stay out of the flat til after eight when he would go out til midnight,"I don't have any money,"I confessed, dropping my keys back in my bag and moving out of sight of my landlord. He worked in the kitchen of his shop out back but I had seen him come out the front once or twice before.
"That's okay. My shout,"Alicia smiled and looked up and down the road,"My boyfriend is coming as well. I know this great little cafe at the end of Waterloo Avenue Come on,"She smiled and pulled me onto the road with her. I was completely helpless. This girl had taken my words to the heart and was now trying to return the favour by trying to make me better. Buy me lunch. I felt like throwing up it was so weird.

"So when I went into work today, that stupid idiot from yesterday was there! He wanted to watch me sign my termination contract and then, when I left the store, he followed me and laughed at me. Then I told him that because I don't work there anymore I could say whatever the fuck I want to and told him that if he didn't leave me alone I'd punch him in the nuts in self defense and call the police. I also told him he was an ugly ignorant pig and he left,"She grinned proudly as we turned off of Symond Street and onto Arkles Road. I had never even been here before. There were a few shops dotted about but it was mostly just houses.
"Thats pretty awesome,"I couldn't help but smile,"And what you called him yesterday? Genius."
"That's what my boyfriend's brother said when I told him,"She grinned.

"Where are we going?"I asked, looking around at the lack of shops at this end of the street.
"My boyfriends house."
"Oh. Does he know you've kidnapped me for lunch?"
"Hey, if you wanna go back home I'm not stopping you,"She held her hands up,"And yes. He does know. He starts work afterwards though so he probably wont want to go to Waterloo. Unless he's got his car... I think Gerard's got it though,"She mumbled to herself as we walked.
"How much further? It's freezing."
"Just up here,"Alicia actually focussed on where we were,"Oh. Damn. Gerard must have the car,"She sighed, staring at the stretch of road empty of cars. We reached number 65 Arkles Road and stopped.

"This is my boyfriend's house. He lives with his Mom and now his brother who got here yesterday. I would avoid talking to Mikey about him though. It's a sensitive subject in this house,"She said, checking the letterbox.
"Mikey being your boyfriend?"I followed her up the path. Most of the houses we had passed were full on suburban places. Green grass, flower beds, trimmed. But this house was definitely beyond that. The lawn was a dark dead green. The only bright green came from the few weeds sticking up all over the place.
"Yup,"She winked at me over her shoulder and rang the doorbell.

"You can check their mail but you still ring the doorbell?"
"Shut it. I've walked in once before when nobody was home but his Mom and his Mom's date. Never again."
"Fair enough,"I muttered, looking over my shoulder as a dog started barking somewhere. The door opened and a tall skinny dude with black hair stood there, smiling widely.
"Hey babe,"He leaned forward and kissed her before turning to look at me,"You must be Sir Frank. The knight who was there for my Queen in her time of need."
"Uh yeah that's me,"I smiled and bowed down,"Anything for Her Grace."
"I like him. He's funny,"Mikey chuckled,"Come on get in out of the cold."

Inside it was a lot nicer than the garden. It had a cosy feel to it and the warmth made me feel a lot better about being in a stranger's house.
"I still need to get ready for work so just make yourselves a drink or something. I won't be longer than twenty minutes,"He called, walking down the hall and into a room at the end. Alicia turned into a different room so I slowly followed into a kitchen.
"Do you want some coffee?"She said as she boiled a jug and got mugs out.
"Uh yeah okay. Milk two sugars."
"Awesome. Go set up the X-Box and we'll play a game."

I turned around and went back into the hall. Directly across from me was the lounge. I went over to the tv and stared at it all. It had been a while since I had played video games. Three years basically. The last time had been the day before my godfather, Greg, had died. I had just gotten home from work and Greg had been cleaning up after his last student for the day. He had ordered pizza and we'd spent the rest of the night playing video games. The next day he had a heart attack and had died on the way to the hospital. After the funeral his family had kicked me out out. It hadn't been a blood relation after all. Right when that funeral ended, that had been what had caused my life to start rolling downhill. Without Greg, I had no friends.

My family hated me because I was gay. They had kicked me out at sixteen. Greg had taken me in and had been the only person to not give me shit for it. He had given me a room and had helped me get a job. After he had died, I had taken bereavement leave. When I got back there was a new owner and new staff. Thank christ they had kept me on. Until now of course.
"You having trouble?"Alicia pulled me out of my thoughts.
"Oh no I just got distracted with my thoughts,"I mumbled.
"Well your coffee is on the left. Here I'll do-"
"I'm ready! You guys ready to go?"
"Damn,"She sighed.
Mikey walked into the room and looked at us,"I guess not. Leave your coffees. I want lunch."