The Strangely Familiar Midget
Stay With Me
30th December
"How was Frank?" Mikey asked as he sat down next to me, picking up a controller and joining the game.
"Aye? Frank?" I mumbled, poking my tongue out as I shot down a group of soldiers.
"You were going to go and talk to him?" Mikey paused the game, forcing me to focus.
"Fuck!" I shouted out, literally smacking my forehead with my hand.
"Get going," he sighed,"It's two in the afternoon what have you been doing all day?"
"Sleeping and playing on here," I grumbled. I got up and walked into my bedroom for my jacket and umbrella.
"Hopefully if all goes well I won't see you tonight?" Mikey called as I passed the lounge.
"Yeah yeah whatever," I snorted. I opened the front door and groaned at how heavy and thick the rain was. I put up my umbrella and stepped outside, shutting the door behind me before setting off for Frank's flat.
Three long wet minutes later I arrived at his door. I pounded on it hard to be heard over the rain, calling out his name. A minute passed and still he didn't answer. I knocked again and again, begging for him to answer. Surely he couldn't be that angry to not even hear me out? After another two minutes I was about to give up when his landlord opened the door looking pissed off.
"He upstairs. You go up. Be quiet. You scare my customers," he grumbled and shuffled back into his store. I put my umbrella down and leant it in the doorway to dry off. I thumped up the stairs and went to know on the door but it was ajar.
"Frank?"I called uncertainly. I pushed the door open and stared. Something was weird. I took a step in and looked around properly. Unless he was in the bathroom, he wasn't here. I went and pushed the door open to find him not there. I made my way towards the door when I spotted some paper on the benchtop. I picked it up, my eyes darting to the broken glass on the floor of the kitchen. I opened the note and scanned it, my stomach suddenly training for the olympics as I took it in. I crushed the note in my hand and ran. And ran. And ran. Out the door, flying down the steps and out into the rain, umbrella standing forgotten. My feet pounded against the pavement loudly, splashing water everywhere. I had only been in the rain for about thirty seconds and I was already sopping wet. I rounded onto Elliston Crescent and pulled out my phone as I went. The streets were deserted in this rain. I dialled 911 and demanded an ambulance and police to get to Baker Bridge as fast as possible. Within a minute I was onto Baker Road. My side was aching, my chest was burning and my mouth was dry but still I ran.
In the distance I could see the bridge, looming out at me in the thick rain. I got closer and closer and spotted him sitting on the barrier, holding something. A surge of hope ran through me at seeing him not dead.
"Frank!"I shouted out. He ignored me and pushed. I put on a surge of speed as his legs slipped over,"NO!"
I hit the barrier, painfully, and watched as he hit the water, complete and utter relief all over his face. The water closed in on him and he sank down and out of sight.
***
In the minute it took me to get down from the bridge to the edge of the water, the rain had stopped. I tried to ignore the way that made me think of it signalling Frank's death. I refused to believe it.
"FRANK?!"I shouted desperately over the water, sirens wailing behind me. I waded into the water slightly,"FRANKIE PLEASE!"
"Come on Sonny,"Someone was tugging on my arm. I barely felt it. The policeman managed to drag me out of the water and up the riverbank. After that everything started to pass by in a blur. At some point Mikey arrived and convinced me to wait in the car with him while the police got someone to start searching the water.
"Gerard?"Mikey broke the silence that had started when he had shut the door,"Gerard you need to understand that they might not find his body. The water is flowing pretty strongly so he could be miles downstream already... Gerard?"
I ignored him, watching the workers. One of them suddenly came running up the riverbank, yelling at the ambos. In a second I was out of the car and racing towards them.
"Gerard come back!"Mikey called after me. I skidded down the riverbank as they hauled a body onto the mud and stones.
"No,"I let out a sob. Even though I had been expecting it, knew there was no way he had survived, it still hurt to see him lying in the dirt so lifeless and cold. I dropped down to my knees next to him, ignoring the people asking me to back away.
"Gerard come on, let- let them do their work,"Mikey asked weakly.
"No no no no,"I cried. He was disgustingly cold and still. I grabbed one of his arms, his note still scrunched up tightly in my hands, and pulled the sleeve up as far as it would go. Right the way up were cuts, some still leaking small amounts of blood, others looking clean yet fresh.
"I should have been there for him,"I said firmly, tears flowing down my face and dripping onto Frank,"I should have been a decent human being and been there for him!"I shouted. I leant down and kissed his arm then his lips before letting them drag me away.
*
"Gerard will you please eat something?"Mom sighed from the door. I continued staring at the ceiling. Mom sighed again and closed the door quietly. I clenched my eyes shut and willed myself to go to sleep but no matter what I did it just wouldn't come. It had been thirteen hours since they had pulled Frank's body from the water. He was at the hospital now, being examined or something. After Mikey had driven me home I had climbed into bed and hadn't moved. Mom had gotten home about an hour ago and Mikey had gotten her up to speed I assumed. Mom had started planning the funeral for me and Mikey had even managed to contact Frank's family. All of this information had only made me feel worse. I couldn't get the image of Frank's relieved face as he hit the water. Every time I closed my eyes I saw his cold lifeless body. My hand was still clenched around his note. Mikey had tried to take it from me only to draw the only words out of me since my crying over Frank.
There was a knock on the door. I didn't bother answering. I didn't want to say anything at all. The door opened and someone walked in. I glanced over to see Mikey and two people I didn't expect to see. Taylor and Clara.
"Gerard?"Mikey asked hesitantly,"These are the two people I managed to get into contact with. I went to Frank's apartment and found his phone. Taylor- right?"
Taylor nodded.
"Yeah Taylor was the only family I coud find..."
"Gerard what happened?"Taylor asked. Him and Clara walked right in and sat on my bed. Still I didn't say anything.
"Please tell us, we don't know anything except that our brother killed himself. Why would he do something like that? We thought he was happy?"Clara pleaded, her voice breaking.
I thrust the note at them, letting go of it for the first time since I picked it up. Clara took it and read it silently before breaking down and handing it to Taylor.
"Why wouldn't he have told us he was feeling like this?"Taylor asked stupidly. That comment got me. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and sat up to look at him, ignoring the shocked look on Mikey's face.
"Why wouldn't he tell you? Seriously? Out of all the questions you could ask, why he didn't tell you is the one you pick?"I stared at him incredulously.
"Gerard we didn't know he-"
"You guys are fucking ridiculous!"I shouted,"You kick him out of his home because of a preference that he can't help. When his Mom is on her fucking deathbed you contact him. Not after the accident, but after you've made the decision to pull her plug. And you weren't even going to contact him. One of you just got cold feet. You and your entire family are fucking disgusting for the way you treated Frank. It makes me sick to my stomach when I think about how terribly you must have treated him when I left him at the hospital.
"Do you know what he told me? He said that when he went to Greg's, Greg's family shunned him as well. They only put up with him because Greg made them. And then when Greg died, he was kicked out again only to find that all the decent human beings at his job had gone and he was left with two bitches that made him feel like the scum of the earth every fucking chance they got. And then he met my brothers girlfriend and in turn me..."I trailed off, closing my eyes as I remembered that day. Taylor and Clara were stunned into silence, waiting for me to go on.
"I helped him. He stopped cutting, he was happy with me. And I was happy with him. I loved him,"I sobbed suddenly, the tears shocking me. I swiped them away furiously,"Then you guys contacted him telling him his Mom was dying and it all went downhill from there. If you guys weren't such fucking cunts then maybe, just maybe, Frank might still be here."
I dropped back down, my head hitting the pillows heavily, and let the tears flow freely.
"Gerard... We had no idea..."Taylor said softly. Clara was crying just as much as me.
"I think you should both go now. I'll see you at the funeral,"I sniffed. They didn't say anything as they got up and left. Mom came in and sat down next to me.
"Gerard?"She asked tentatively, placing a hand on my leg.
"Mom this is my fault,"I croaked, reaching blindly for her.
"Oh Gerard,"She grabbed my hands and pulled me into a sitting position so she could hug me,"Don't be silly. This was something that was always going to happen. Whether it was something you said or something a stranger said further down the line, Frank was just destined to leave this way. You can't blame yourself for this,"She said softly. The words were going in one ear and out the other.
She stayed quiet until I had stopped crying. All I could think about was how horrible I had been to Frank. How terrible he must have felt to apologise to me for even coming into my life. I clenched my eyes shut as tight as possible and tried to remember the last time he had smiled at me. It was before he found out his Mom had had an accident. We had been putting up Christmas decorations on the tree and I had stuck tinsel on Mikey's head. Mikey hadn't been happy but everyone else had laughed because it made him look like a stripper. In the end Mikey had struck a pose and made us all laugh even more. I had looked at Frank to see him giggling his adorable giggle and he had smiled at me. Happy. That was only two weeks ago.
"Gerard are you listening to me?"Mom broke my concentration. I shook my head and she sighed, pulling away to give me a look I hadn't seen since Dad died, and said,"Gerard. These things happen. It might not be how you intended or anywhere near what you wanted, but it happened and you can't change that. You remember what I said to you after Arthur died?"
I nodded. I could never forget what Mom said that night. It had been after Dad's funeral and even though I was drunk I still remembered every word of what she said.
"What did I say?"
I took in a deep shuddering breath and sat up straight,"You said that Dad never would have blamed me, that it was what he wanted to do, it was his choice. It may not have been the best choice but it was his none the less and we had no say in it. Dad wouldn't have wanted me to mope about feeling guilty. He would have wanted me to move on and remember the good things about him and all the happy memories we had together."
"Exactly. Now, I don't want you to relapse with your drinking so I'm going to keep a close eye on you and-"
"I already relapsed,"I blurted out. Mom looked shocked at this, slightly angry and upset but mostly shocked.
"Wh- how? What happened?"She asked me softly. Before I could stop myself I was telling her everything.
"Gerard you stupid silly boy,"Mom sighed and pulled me into a hug,"You never think things through properly do you. Never think about the consequences."
"I'm sorry Mom,"I mumbled, feeling more tears coming on. She squeezed me even tighter and muttered reassuring things into my hair.
"Do you think you could eat something before going to sleep?"She asked me hopefully. Even though my stomach tightened up at the thought of food I nodded. She got up and I followed her out into the kitchen. I caught a glimpse into the lounge and saw Mikey talking to Taylor and Clara. Part of me wanted to go in there and yell at them again but one look from Mom convinced me otherwise.
"What would you like? Some toast? Soup?"She asked me softly. I shrugged my shoulders and sat down at the table, staring at the grain of the wood.
Mom muttered something about soup and set about making me food. I couldn't eat. How could I eat? I was responsible for Frank's death. Nothing I said, felt or did would change that. Nothing.
*
The next two days passed by in a blur. I barely left my room. I had quit my job, hadn't talked to Jade, my therapist, in weeks, and I barely spoke to Mikey or Mom. On the third day after Frank's death though I forced myself to get up. Forced myself to shower. Forced myself to wear black and red. Forced myself to eat half a piece of toast. I had to be physically pushed down the hallway and into Mom's car though. Had to fight the urge to jump out of the car as it drove. Made myself hold back the tears as we arrived at the church. Mikey helped me out of the car and told me not to look as we passed the hearse. I kept my head down, not bothering to see who had turned up. I fucking hated funerals. The realisation that I met Frank at the last funeral I went to hit me and I sank into the nearest seat, tears flowing freely as the sound of his laughter echoed in my ears, his colours flashing through my mind.
"Gerard?"Mikey sniffed,"Gerard come on we'll go sit at the front. Come on, Gerard,"Mikey tugged on my arm helplessly. I barely felt it.
"Gerard?"A warm hand landed on my shoulder and I looked up suddenly. Through my tears I could make out Jade.
"J-Jade?"I cried. I stood up and grabbed her, hugging her tightly and sobbing onto her shoulder. It took a while for me to get to the front of the church, watching as a group of men came and brought Frank's coffin in, opening the lid oncce it was settled. It was a shiny black and had a large boquet of red roses on top. He would have liked it at least. Taylor and Clara sat down in the front row on the other side of the church. And then someone I hadn't seen in three years walked in. Greg's wife and one of her son's. Pure anger started boiling up at the sight of them. From what Frank had told me, they thought he was scum. Worse than his old boss and that bitch, Monique or whatever. I stood up, fists clenched, and was about to march over but Mikey tugged me back down.
"Not here Gerard. Think about your argument with Frank in the hospital. Just leave his family be."
I took in a deep steadying breath and looked forward as a church guy, pastor or whatever, stood at the podium behind Frank's coffin. He started rambling on about religion and ashes and dust. I tuned out and stared at a mark on the floor.
"And now a close friend of Frank's, Gerard, will say a few words."
His words pulled me out of my stupor, my head jerking up with whiplash to look at him.
"What?" I croaked.
"We thought you might want to say the eulogy?" Mikey said quietly.
"Oh... Right. I'll uh go up there I guess," I mumbled. I stood up and walked around to the podium, not daring to look at Frank's lifeless face.
I stepped up to the podium and looked down at everyone. In the front row on the left side was Jade, Mom and Mikey. On the right side was Taylor and Clara. In the seats behind them all were a couple of people I didn't recognise, Greg's wife and Son and-
"Who the fuck let you in here?" I said suddenly. There were a few murmurs of disapproval as Mikey appeared at my side.
"Gerard what are you talking about? Are you sure you want to do this? You don't have to you know. What's going on? Why are you swearing?" He said it all in a rush but I barely noticed it. In the very backseat was that fucking bitch Frank used to work with. She knew I was looking at her as well. Everyone turned around to look at her.
"Can someone get that fucking bitch out of here?" I growled. I didn't give a damn that I was swearing in a church, all I cared about was that Frank would never have accepted having her at his funeral.
"Who?"
"That- that girl-" I gave up trying to tell him and went back down myself.
"No- please let me stay," she whined.
"Why the fuck should I let you stay? You made his life hell. You have no fucking reason to be here-"
"I wanted to apologise to Frank!" she cut over me.
"Well it's too late. I don't give a fuck if you feel bad or if you've seen the error of your ways, I want you to fucking leave," I spat at her.
"Please just- let him know I'm truly and deeply sorry for what I did and said. I have never hated myself so much," she whispered, tears shining in her eyes. I felt no ounce of sympathy for her. She stood up and walked out of the church, whispers echoing around the room. I took in a deep breath and turned to see who was grabbing my hand. It was Jade.
She led me back up to the podium and gave my hand a squeeze before sitting back down. I cleared my throat and looked out again.
"I uh... I don't have anything prepared... So this is probably gonna be shitty as but whatever. I'll just do it," I took in a deep breath and thought about Frank.
"For those of you who don't know who I am, I am Frank's- was Frank's boyfriend. Frankie he... he was the best. He just-" I stuttered, struggling to put into words how much goodness Frank brought into the world.
"Frank had a terrible life. He was constantly shoved away from people who were supposed to care about him and for that, he took his own life. But even though, he was slightly messed up in the head, and even though he cut himself, or cried for an entire day, he still managed to bring such a greatness into my life. He just infected you with happiness. His smile was contagious. His laugh was just- so fucking adorable," I smiled widely.
"Today is the second worst days of my life. The worst day of my life was when my Dad killed himself. But on that day, my Mom, my great, fantastic, brilliant and beautiful Mom, she told me something that I'm going to tell you all but changed to fit today. Frank never would have blamed anyone, it was what he wanted to do and it was his choice. It may not have been the best choice but it was his none the less and we had no say in it. Frank wouldn't have wanted us to mope about feeling guilty. He would have wanted us to move on and remember the good things about him and all the happy memories we had together. That is exactly what I'm going to do for that strangely familiar midget. I fucking loved him. I still do. And I will not let his memory be tarnished by people calling him ann 'emo faggot' or anything ridiculous like that. We have to remember his smile. The way he nodded his head when he listened to a song he loved. The way his tongue would poke out when he-" I choked on a sob in my throat, tears spilling over onto my cheeks,"when he would play video games. Frank Iero, I fucking love you. Forever and always."
I took in a few deep shuddering breaths and started walking down. Jade was immediately there to help me but I pushed her away. I went round to Frank's coffin and stared down at him. His hair was as dark as ever, his face clean. He looked peaceful. Tears dripped down onto his pristene face as I leant down and kissed him lightly on the lips.
"I love you Frankie. I'm sorry I never said it," I whispered. I went and sat back down and stared at the floor again. Mikey's hand was on mine as there was scuffling around everywhere. My vision blurred as the tears fell heavier than ever. Before I knew it Mikey was telling me to follow him so we could bury him.
"I never even asked him if he wanted to be buried or cremated. I should have asked him," I mumbled as I stumbled outside across the grass, between the gravestones, towards where everyone was congregating. I stopped and looked up. I couldn't do it. I altered off course and went and sat down at the base of a big tree, roots curling in and out of the dirt.
Mikey looked like he wanted me to join them but Mom said something to him and they continued walking. I watched in silence, a few words wafting over in the breeze but not enough for me to know what was happening. Then Taylor stepped forward and sprinkled some dirt over his coffin. Clara, Mikey and Mom followed suit and then everyone was watching silently. After another minute they all slowly turned and started walking away. Mom, Mikey and Jade came over to me. I didn't want to get up. I just wanted to sit for a while.
"I'm just going to stay here for a while," I croaked,"I'll walk home so you guys can go."
"Do you have your phone on you? Text me when you want picking up okay?" Mikey looked down at me, nodding at me encouragingly.
"Alright," I mumbled. They all mumbled words of condolences and left me alone. It took a while for the workers to actually finish burying Frank but once they had finished and had left, I made myself get up and go and sit by his grave.
Here lies Frank Iero, 21,
The sweetest guy to ever live,
Taken too soon.
1992 - 2013
I sat down and leant against his gravestone, the sun warming my tear stained face. After a few minutes of silence I found myself wanting to talk to Frank. So I did my best.
"That girl from work wanted to come to your funeral. I don't know if you wanted her there or not but I assumed not because she was such a bitch, even if she was wanting to apologise..." I let out a sigh and stared at my dirty shoelaces,"Why, Frankie? Why would you do something like this?" I cried,"It was just a silly argument that- d- doesn't even mean anything now... Because you're gone. I don't want you to be gone Frankie. I want you to stay with me. Here. Light up my life with that smile of yours. But you can't anymore Because of a shitty life that you didn't deserve. This wasn't supposed to be the ending for you. You and I were supposed to go out with a bang. Have our own little 'fuck you' happily ever after. Fuck the haters and all that shit..." I wiped away my tears and closed my eyes,"I'm going to miss you so much Frank. You were the best thing that ever happened to me. I was so alone... And I owe you so much..."
I stood up and dusted myself off. I took one last look at his section, bare of flowers and cards. I had my wallet on me so I started forming my new plan. And it started with buying my boyfriend flowers and a card.
"How was Frank?" Mikey asked as he sat down next to me, picking up a controller and joining the game.
"Aye? Frank?" I mumbled, poking my tongue out as I shot down a group of soldiers.
"You were going to go and talk to him?" Mikey paused the game, forcing me to focus.
"Fuck!" I shouted out, literally smacking my forehead with my hand.
"Get going," he sighed,"It's two in the afternoon what have you been doing all day?"
"Sleeping and playing on here," I grumbled. I got up and walked into my bedroom for my jacket and umbrella.
"Hopefully if all goes well I won't see you tonight?" Mikey called as I passed the lounge.
"Yeah yeah whatever," I snorted. I opened the front door and groaned at how heavy and thick the rain was. I put up my umbrella and stepped outside, shutting the door behind me before setting off for Frank's flat.
Three long wet minutes later I arrived at his door. I pounded on it hard to be heard over the rain, calling out his name. A minute passed and still he didn't answer. I knocked again and again, begging for him to answer. Surely he couldn't be that angry to not even hear me out? After another two minutes I was about to give up when his landlord opened the door looking pissed off.
"He upstairs. You go up. Be quiet. You scare my customers," he grumbled and shuffled back into his store. I put my umbrella down and leant it in the doorway to dry off. I thumped up the stairs and went to know on the door but it was ajar.
"Frank?"I called uncertainly. I pushed the door open and stared. Something was weird. I took a step in and looked around properly. Unless he was in the bathroom, he wasn't here. I went and pushed the door open to find him not there. I made my way towards the door when I spotted some paper on the benchtop. I picked it up, my eyes darting to the broken glass on the floor of the kitchen. I opened the note and scanned it, my stomach suddenly training for the olympics as I took it in. I crushed the note in my hand and ran. And ran. And ran. Out the door, flying down the steps and out into the rain, umbrella standing forgotten. My feet pounded against the pavement loudly, splashing water everywhere. I had only been in the rain for about thirty seconds and I was already sopping wet. I rounded onto Elliston Crescent and pulled out my phone as I went. The streets were deserted in this rain. I dialled 911 and demanded an ambulance and police to get to Baker Bridge as fast as possible. Within a minute I was onto Baker Road. My side was aching, my chest was burning and my mouth was dry but still I ran.
In the distance I could see the bridge, looming out at me in the thick rain. I got closer and closer and spotted him sitting on the barrier, holding something. A surge of hope ran through me at seeing him not dead.
"Frank!"I shouted out. He ignored me and pushed. I put on a surge of speed as his legs slipped over,"NO!"
I hit the barrier, painfully, and watched as he hit the water, complete and utter relief all over his face. The water closed in on him and he sank down and out of sight.
***
In the minute it took me to get down from the bridge to the edge of the water, the rain had stopped. I tried to ignore the way that made me think of it signalling Frank's death. I refused to believe it.
"FRANK?!"I shouted desperately over the water, sirens wailing behind me. I waded into the water slightly,"FRANKIE PLEASE!"
"Come on Sonny,"Someone was tugging on my arm. I barely felt it. The policeman managed to drag me out of the water and up the riverbank. After that everything started to pass by in a blur. At some point Mikey arrived and convinced me to wait in the car with him while the police got someone to start searching the water.
"Gerard?"Mikey broke the silence that had started when he had shut the door,"Gerard you need to understand that they might not find his body. The water is flowing pretty strongly so he could be miles downstream already... Gerard?"
I ignored him, watching the workers. One of them suddenly came running up the riverbank, yelling at the ambos. In a second I was out of the car and racing towards them.
"Gerard come back!"Mikey called after me. I skidded down the riverbank as they hauled a body onto the mud and stones.
"No,"I let out a sob. Even though I had been expecting it, knew there was no way he had survived, it still hurt to see him lying in the dirt so lifeless and cold. I dropped down to my knees next to him, ignoring the people asking me to back away.
"Gerard come on, let- let them do their work,"Mikey asked weakly.
"No no no no,"I cried. He was disgustingly cold and still. I grabbed one of his arms, his note still scrunched up tightly in my hands, and pulled the sleeve up as far as it would go. Right the way up were cuts, some still leaking small amounts of blood, others looking clean yet fresh.
"I should have been there for him,"I said firmly, tears flowing down my face and dripping onto Frank,"I should have been a decent human being and been there for him!"I shouted. I leant down and kissed his arm then his lips before letting them drag me away.
*
"Gerard will you please eat something?"Mom sighed from the door. I continued staring at the ceiling. Mom sighed again and closed the door quietly. I clenched my eyes shut and willed myself to go to sleep but no matter what I did it just wouldn't come. It had been thirteen hours since they had pulled Frank's body from the water. He was at the hospital now, being examined or something. After Mikey had driven me home I had climbed into bed and hadn't moved. Mom had gotten home about an hour ago and Mikey had gotten her up to speed I assumed. Mom had started planning the funeral for me and Mikey had even managed to contact Frank's family. All of this information had only made me feel worse. I couldn't get the image of Frank's relieved face as he hit the water. Every time I closed my eyes I saw his cold lifeless body. My hand was still clenched around his note. Mikey had tried to take it from me only to draw the only words out of me since my crying over Frank.
There was a knock on the door. I didn't bother answering. I didn't want to say anything at all. The door opened and someone walked in. I glanced over to see Mikey and two people I didn't expect to see. Taylor and Clara.
"Gerard?"Mikey asked hesitantly,"These are the two people I managed to get into contact with. I went to Frank's apartment and found his phone. Taylor- right?"
Taylor nodded.
"Yeah Taylor was the only family I coud find..."
"Gerard what happened?"Taylor asked. Him and Clara walked right in and sat on my bed. Still I didn't say anything.
"Please tell us, we don't know anything except that our brother killed himself. Why would he do something like that? We thought he was happy?"Clara pleaded, her voice breaking.
I thrust the note at them, letting go of it for the first time since I picked it up. Clara took it and read it silently before breaking down and handing it to Taylor.
"Why wouldn't he have told us he was feeling like this?"Taylor asked stupidly. That comment got me. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and sat up to look at him, ignoring the shocked look on Mikey's face.
"Why wouldn't he tell you? Seriously? Out of all the questions you could ask, why he didn't tell you is the one you pick?"I stared at him incredulously.
"Gerard we didn't know he-"
"You guys are fucking ridiculous!"I shouted,"You kick him out of his home because of a preference that he can't help. When his Mom is on her fucking deathbed you contact him. Not after the accident, but after you've made the decision to pull her plug. And you weren't even going to contact him. One of you just got cold feet. You and your entire family are fucking disgusting for the way you treated Frank. It makes me sick to my stomach when I think about how terribly you must have treated him when I left him at the hospital.
"Do you know what he told me? He said that when he went to Greg's, Greg's family shunned him as well. They only put up with him because Greg made them. And then when Greg died, he was kicked out again only to find that all the decent human beings at his job had gone and he was left with two bitches that made him feel like the scum of the earth every fucking chance they got. And then he met my brothers girlfriend and in turn me..."I trailed off, closing my eyes as I remembered that day. Taylor and Clara were stunned into silence, waiting for me to go on.
"I helped him. He stopped cutting, he was happy with me. And I was happy with him. I loved him,"I sobbed suddenly, the tears shocking me. I swiped them away furiously,"Then you guys contacted him telling him his Mom was dying and it all went downhill from there. If you guys weren't such fucking cunts then maybe, just maybe, Frank might still be here."
I dropped back down, my head hitting the pillows heavily, and let the tears flow freely.
"Gerard... We had no idea..."Taylor said softly. Clara was crying just as much as me.
"I think you should both go now. I'll see you at the funeral,"I sniffed. They didn't say anything as they got up and left. Mom came in and sat down next to me.
"Gerard?"She asked tentatively, placing a hand on my leg.
"Mom this is my fault,"I croaked, reaching blindly for her.
"Oh Gerard,"She grabbed my hands and pulled me into a sitting position so she could hug me,"Don't be silly. This was something that was always going to happen. Whether it was something you said or something a stranger said further down the line, Frank was just destined to leave this way. You can't blame yourself for this,"She said softly. The words were going in one ear and out the other.
She stayed quiet until I had stopped crying. All I could think about was how horrible I had been to Frank. How terrible he must have felt to apologise to me for even coming into my life. I clenched my eyes shut as tight as possible and tried to remember the last time he had smiled at me. It was before he found out his Mom had had an accident. We had been putting up Christmas decorations on the tree and I had stuck tinsel on Mikey's head. Mikey hadn't been happy but everyone else had laughed because it made him look like a stripper. In the end Mikey had struck a pose and made us all laugh even more. I had looked at Frank to see him giggling his adorable giggle and he had smiled at me. Happy. That was only two weeks ago.
"Gerard are you listening to me?"Mom broke my concentration. I shook my head and she sighed, pulling away to give me a look I hadn't seen since Dad died, and said,"Gerard. These things happen. It might not be how you intended or anywhere near what you wanted, but it happened and you can't change that. You remember what I said to you after Arthur died?"
I nodded. I could never forget what Mom said that night. It had been after Dad's funeral and even though I was drunk I still remembered every word of what she said.
"What did I say?"
I took in a deep shuddering breath and sat up straight,"You said that Dad never would have blamed me, that it was what he wanted to do, it was his choice. It may not have been the best choice but it was his none the less and we had no say in it. Dad wouldn't have wanted me to mope about feeling guilty. He would have wanted me to move on and remember the good things about him and all the happy memories we had together."
"Exactly. Now, I don't want you to relapse with your drinking so I'm going to keep a close eye on you and-"
"I already relapsed,"I blurted out. Mom looked shocked at this, slightly angry and upset but mostly shocked.
"Wh- how? What happened?"She asked me softly. Before I could stop myself I was telling her everything.
"Gerard you stupid silly boy,"Mom sighed and pulled me into a hug,"You never think things through properly do you. Never think about the consequences."
"I'm sorry Mom,"I mumbled, feeling more tears coming on. She squeezed me even tighter and muttered reassuring things into my hair.
"Do you think you could eat something before going to sleep?"She asked me hopefully. Even though my stomach tightened up at the thought of food I nodded. She got up and I followed her out into the kitchen. I caught a glimpse into the lounge and saw Mikey talking to Taylor and Clara. Part of me wanted to go in there and yell at them again but one look from Mom convinced me otherwise.
"What would you like? Some toast? Soup?"She asked me softly. I shrugged my shoulders and sat down at the table, staring at the grain of the wood.
Mom muttered something about soup and set about making me food. I couldn't eat. How could I eat? I was responsible for Frank's death. Nothing I said, felt or did would change that. Nothing.
*
The next two days passed by in a blur. I barely left my room. I had quit my job, hadn't talked to Jade, my therapist, in weeks, and I barely spoke to Mikey or Mom. On the third day after Frank's death though I forced myself to get up. Forced myself to shower. Forced myself to wear black and red. Forced myself to eat half a piece of toast. I had to be physically pushed down the hallway and into Mom's car though. Had to fight the urge to jump out of the car as it drove. Made myself hold back the tears as we arrived at the church. Mikey helped me out of the car and told me not to look as we passed the hearse. I kept my head down, not bothering to see who had turned up. I fucking hated funerals. The realisation that I met Frank at the last funeral I went to hit me and I sank into the nearest seat, tears flowing freely as the sound of his laughter echoed in my ears, his colours flashing through my mind.
"Gerard?"Mikey sniffed,"Gerard come on we'll go sit at the front. Come on, Gerard,"Mikey tugged on my arm helplessly. I barely felt it.
"Gerard?"A warm hand landed on my shoulder and I looked up suddenly. Through my tears I could make out Jade.
"J-Jade?"I cried. I stood up and grabbed her, hugging her tightly and sobbing onto her shoulder. It took a while for me to get to the front of the church, watching as a group of men came and brought Frank's coffin in, opening the lid oncce it was settled. It was a shiny black and had a large boquet of red roses on top. He would have liked it at least. Taylor and Clara sat down in the front row on the other side of the church. And then someone I hadn't seen in three years walked in. Greg's wife and one of her son's. Pure anger started boiling up at the sight of them. From what Frank had told me, they thought he was scum. Worse than his old boss and that bitch, Monique or whatever. I stood up, fists clenched, and was about to march over but Mikey tugged me back down.
"Not here Gerard. Think about your argument with Frank in the hospital. Just leave his family be."
I took in a deep steadying breath and looked forward as a church guy, pastor or whatever, stood at the podium behind Frank's coffin. He started rambling on about religion and ashes and dust. I tuned out and stared at a mark on the floor.
"And now a close friend of Frank's, Gerard, will say a few words."
His words pulled me out of my stupor, my head jerking up with whiplash to look at him.
"What?" I croaked.
"We thought you might want to say the eulogy?" Mikey said quietly.
"Oh... Right. I'll uh go up there I guess," I mumbled. I stood up and walked around to the podium, not daring to look at Frank's lifeless face.
I stepped up to the podium and looked down at everyone. In the front row on the left side was Jade, Mom and Mikey. On the right side was Taylor and Clara. In the seats behind them all were a couple of people I didn't recognise, Greg's wife and Son and-
"Who the fuck let you in here?" I said suddenly. There were a few murmurs of disapproval as Mikey appeared at my side.
"Gerard what are you talking about? Are you sure you want to do this? You don't have to you know. What's going on? Why are you swearing?" He said it all in a rush but I barely noticed it. In the very backseat was that fucking bitch Frank used to work with. She knew I was looking at her as well. Everyone turned around to look at her.
"Can someone get that fucking bitch out of here?" I growled. I didn't give a damn that I was swearing in a church, all I cared about was that Frank would never have accepted having her at his funeral.
"Who?"
"That- that girl-" I gave up trying to tell him and went back down myself.
"No- please let me stay," she whined.
"Why the fuck should I let you stay? You made his life hell. You have no fucking reason to be here-"
"I wanted to apologise to Frank!" she cut over me.
"Well it's too late. I don't give a fuck if you feel bad or if you've seen the error of your ways, I want you to fucking leave," I spat at her.
"Please just- let him know I'm truly and deeply sorry for what I did and said. I have never hated myself so much," she whispered, tears shining in her eyes. I felt no ounce of sympathy for her. She stood up and walked out of the church, whispers echoing around the room. I took in a deep breath and turned to see who was grabbing my hand. It was Jade.
She led me back up to the podium and gave my hand a squeeze before sitting back down. I cleared my throat and looked out again.
"I uh... I don't have anything prepared... So this is probably gonna be shitty as but whatever. I'll just do it," I took in a deep breath and thought about Frank.
"For those of you who don't know who I am, I am Frank's- was Frank's boyfriend. Frankie he... he was the best. He just-" I stuttered, struggling to put into words how much goodness Frank brought into the world.
"Frank had a terrible life. He was constantly shoved away from people who were supposed to care about him and for that, he took his own life. But even though, he was slightly messed up in the head, and even though he cut himself, or cried for an entire day, he still managed to bring such a greatness into my life. He just infected you with happiness. His smile was contagious. His laugh was just- so fucking adorable," I smiled widely.
"Today is the second worst days of my life. The worst day of my life was when my Dad killed himself. But on that day, my Mom, my great, fantastic, brilliant and beautiful Mom, she told me something that I'm going to tell you all but changed to fit today. Frank never would have blamed anyone, it was what he wanted to do and it was his choice. It may not have been the best choice but it was his none the less and we had no say in it. Frank wouldn't have wanted us to mope about feeling guilty. He would have wanted us to move on and remember the good things about him and all the happy memories we had together. That is exactly what I'm going to do for that strangely familiar midget. I fucking loved him. I still do. And I will not let his memory be tarnished by people calling him ann 'emo faggot' or anything ridiculous like that. We have to remember his smile. The way he nodded his head when he listened to a song he loved. The way his tongue would poke out when he-" I choked on a sob in my throat, tears spilling over onto my cheeks,"when he would play video games. Frank Iero, I fucking love you. Forever and always."
I took in a few deep shuddering breaths and started walking down. Jade was immediately there to help me but I pushed her away. I went round to Frank's coffin and stared down at him. His hair was as dark as ever, his face clean. He looked peaceful. Tears dripped down onto his pristene face as I leant down and kissed him lightly on the lips.
"I love you Frankie. I'm sorry I never said it," I whispered. I went and sat back down and stared at the floor again. Mikey's hand was on mine as there was scuffling around everywhere. My vision blurred as the tears fell heavier than ever. Before I knew it Mikey was telling me to follow him so we could bury him.
"I never even asked him if he wanted to be buried or cremated. I should have asked him," I mumbled as I stumbled outside across the grass, between the gravestones, towards where everyone was congregating. I stopped and looked up. I couldn't do it. I altered off course and went and sat down at the base of a big tree, roots curling in and out of the dirt.
Mikey looked like he wanted me to join them but Mom said something to him and they continued walking. I watched in silence, a few words wafting over in the breeze but not enough for me to know what was happening. Then Taylor stepped forward and sprinkled some dirt over his coffin. Clara, Mikey and Mom followed suit and then everyone was watching silently. After another minute they all slowly turned and started walking away. Mom, Mikey and Jade came over to me. I didn't want to get up. I just wanted to sit for a while.
"I'm just going to stay here for a while," I croaked,"I'll walk home so you guys can go."
"Do you have your phone on you? Text me when you want picking up okay?" Mikey looked down at me, nodding at me encouragingly.
"Alright," I mumbled. They all mumbled words of condolences and left me alone. It took a while for the workers to actually finish burying Frank but once they had finished and had left, I made myself get up and go and sit by his grave.
Here lies Frank Iero, 21,
The sweetest guy to ever live,
Taken too soon.
1992 - 2013
I sat down and leant against his gravestone, the sun warming my tear stained face. After a few minutes of silence I found myself wanting to talk to Frank. So I did my best.
"That girl from work wanted to come to your funeral. I don't know if you wanted her there or not but I assumed not because she was such a bitch, even if she was wanting to apologise..." I let out a sigh and stared at my dirty shoelaces,"Why, Frankie? Why would you do something like this?" I cried,"It was just a silly argument that- d- doesn't even mean anything now... Because you're gone. I don't want you to be gone Frankie. I want you to stay with me. Here. Light up my life with that smile of yours. But you can't anymore Because of a shitty life that you didn't deserve. This wasn't supposed to be the ending for you. You and I were supposed to go out with a bang. Have our own little 'fuck you' happily ever after. Fuck the haters and all that shit..." I wiped away my tears and closed my eyes,"I'm going to miss you so much Frank. You were the best thing that ever happened to me. I was so alone... And I owe you so much..."
I stood up and dusted myself off. I took one last look at his section, bare of flowers and cards. I had my wallet on me so I started forming my new plan. And it started with buying my boyfriend flowers and a card.
Why am I crying at two AM nope this was not the plan fuck
7/16/15