28th December
"When does Frank come back?"Mikey asked over his lasagne.
I swallowed my mouthful of my sandwich and took in a deep breath,"Not til after the new year. Like another week or something,"I mumbled.
"Naww do you miss him?"He asked me a sickly gooey voicemistaking my instant depression over his name for longing,"Does wittle Geward miss his boyfwiend?"
"Fuck off,"I grumbled. I dropped the last of my sandwich and got up. I threw the remains out and went down to my room, keeping the puppy out as I went. It was a bad idea because Mikey of course immediately knew something was up. Thankfully he didn't follow me. I sat down on my bed and took in deep breaths, trying to calm myself. No matter what I did I couldn't stop the feeling of anger and depression from sinking in. Before I knew what I was doing I had pulled out my shoe box from under the bed and had opened the mini safe.
"Just one sip,"I reassured myself quietly. I picked up the whiskey, unscrewed the lid and lifted it to my lips. As the alcohol hit the back of my throat, the burn eased the feeling in my stomach somehow. I swallowed my mouthful and put the lid back on. I set it down in the safe and stared at it. I licked my lips, enjoying the taste. I took a deep breath and assessed my feelings. My stomach had started to make me feel sick again. I picked the bottle up and took another sip. And another. And another. Next thing, the bottle was empty and I felt myself wanting more. Of course it would be on the anniversary of Dad's death that I relapsed.
"Fuck,"I mumbled. I put the empty bottle back in the safe, locked it all up and shoved my shoes on. I grabbed my wallet and went out.
"Just going for a walk!"I called as I walked down the hall. Alfie, the puppy, started yapping at my feet. I ignored him.
"Okay. I'm going to a movie with the guys later, do you wanna come?"
"Uh nah I'm good thanks. Have fun. See ya!"I called, forcing a cheeriness into my voice as I walked out the door.
I started to walk towards Symonds Street but turned around when I realised it would take me past Frank's flat. I had no idea if he was actually back or not. I hadn't heard from him since I had left him in the hospital. Anger flared up inside as I thought about that day. It felt like forever ago but it had barely been a week. How could Frank defend his family like that? They were so fucking terrible to him. And what the fuck was the point in not saying I was his boyfriend? I was pretty sure it was fucking obvious. Unless they were that fucking stupid. I turned onto Newton Road, shivering as a gust of wind almost knocked me off my feet and into the snow covered bush. The sky was a dark angry grey, matching my feelings as I turned onto Waterloo Ave. I could go to the bar on Symonds Street, it would be down the road from Frank but it wasn't as bad as walking through the park to get to one on Elliston Street. I also didn't want to walk past work.
Within the next few minutes I was in the warm bar buying a glass of whiskey. I pushed the bad thoughts from my head and took a seat down the end of the bar, staring at the grain of the wood.
"I knew it wouldn't be long til I saw you back here,"A venomous voice said behind me. I swivelled around in my chair to see the guy that had punched me for sleeping with his brother a few weeks ago.
"What do you mean?"I sighed, turning back around to continue drinking.
"Well you did say you were an alcoholic. I knew it wouldn't be long til you fell off the wagon. You enjoy your night,"He punched the back of my shoulder in a friendly way but with way too much force. My arm jutted forward and knocked my drink across the bar.
"Fuck,"I grumbled. The bartender appeared with a cloth and another drink for me.
"Don't worry, it's on the house. That guy is always a douche for no reason,"He smiled warmly at me.
"Thanks man,"I muttered. I took the drink from him and moved to another seat away from the mess.
I sculled my drink as the regret and anger started to wash over me, creating a whirlwind in my stomach. The whiskey settled it down and gave me a light headed warm feeling. God I had missed this. A voice I hadn't heard in three years perked up, telling me I should stop. That I should call Jade. I ignored it and ordered another drink. I was old enough to make my own decisions and after three years of no drinking I was pretty sure I knew when to stop. I had everything under control. I ordered another drink, not realising I had already finished my first one. No that was my second one. Was it? My third. It was my third. So long as I could keep track of what I was drinking I would be fine. The voice in the back of my head was telling me I wasn't doing a very good job but I was pretty skilled at ignoring that voice.
After what seemed like forever, I realised I had drunk too much. I was too drunk to care though. I turned around on my chair and stared around at the other punters. Some old, some young. One of them was standing by the door staring at me. I put on my most charming smile and walked over to him, trying not to bump into the blurry tables. As I got closer I realised who it was. Anger and hurt was raging across his face as he backed away from me.
"Frank waits!"I slurred. Shit. That voice was laughing at me now. I was swaying and I felt ridiculously dizzy. I had fucked up.
"Look at you, Gerard. You're just as bad as me,"Frank snorted in anger at me. What does that mean?
"What do you mean? Frank what the hell is happening?"I asked dramatically.
"What's happening is you are drunk as a skunk and I'd like for you to leave,"Frank said firmly.
"You can't tell me to do that! You don't own this bar. You don't even work here,"I glared at him.
"Actually I do work here. Today is my third day,"Frank looked smug. The bastard. I had an overwhelming urge to punch his stupid face but I pushed it down and stood up as straight as I could to tower over him.
"Frank you need to apologise to me. Then and only then will I take you back,"I folded my arms and stared at both of the Frank's, waiting as they looked at me like I was insane.
"Me apologise to you?! Are you fucking crazy?! You left me with money in a small town full of people that hate me after insulting me, my intelligence and my family and you want me to apologise to you?! Oh wow Gerard that is rich, just fucking spectacular. You have well and truly royally fucked up you complete cunt. Get the hell out. Now,"The Frank's stepped to the side and pointed at the door. I clenched my fist and was about to hit the Frank on the left when someone grabbed my arms.
"Hey get off of me!"I grappled with the bartender, a lot stronger than he looked, and pushed me towards the door. Everyone was watching me. The dick who's brother I fucked was grinning at me. I turned to look at the Frank's but only saw one of them crying. Then I was outside on the cold hard ground. I struggled to my feet as I heard Frank say 'I'm sorry kyle..." but then the door was shut properly and I couldn't hear a thing. Blood was pounding in my head, I was breathing heavily, puffing it out into the air in front of me. I stood there for a minute before the cold made me move. I walked as fast as I could down Symonds Street and towards home. I turned onto my road and walked faster, snow starting to fall around me.
I could hear shouting up ahead. I looked up and froze. Mikey and the guys were all walking slowly down the road. I stood rooted to the spot, begging them all not to turn around. It didn't work.
"Hey it's Gerard!"Ray shouted. They all turned around and looked at me. I had no choice but to walk with them now.
"How was the movies?"I asked as I caught up, trying to stay away from them. There was no doubt in my mind that I smelt of whiskey from when that douchebag had knocked over my drink and my drinking in general.
"It was just the one Gerard,"Bob snorted.
"Right right right right,"I laughed. This whole situation was so fucking hilarious. Of fucking course I run into my brother and our mates after drinking for the first time in three years. It was just my luck that Frank just so happened to work at the stupid fucking bar.
"What are you laughing at?"Mikey asked me slowly.
"Uhhhh nothing,"I smiled at him. He stopped walking and stared at me. We all stopped walking and looked back at him.
"Gerard come here?"
"Okay Mikey's,"I stumbled over to them, laughing at myself.
"Mikey's? Plural?"Both the Mikey's looked at me. Oh shit double. That wasn't right. I shook my head vigorously, not getting too close. Mikey eyed me before stepping forward suddenly and smelling me. Fuck.
"Hey guys? Could you all please go home? I need to get Gerard home,"He sighed. The guys all mumbled something as they walked away and Mikey dragged me past the last two houses to get to ours.
29 December
When we were inside, he locked the door, took off his shoes and dragged me into the lounge. He shoved me down into a couch and glared at me.
"What happened?"
"I don't know what you mean,"I smiled up at him innocently. That voice was perking up again, telling me to stop being an idiot. To tell him about Frank. Tell him how shitty everything has been.
"Don't fuck around Gerard. Why the hell are you drunk?"
"Because... I'm... I'm a fucking idiot, Mikey,"I stammered out. Before I could stop them, hot tears were filling my eyes and spilling out onto my cheeks,"Oh fuck."
"Gerard..."Mikey sat down next to me, softer now,"What happened? Did something happen with Frank?"
"Yeah he- we had a huge argument and I left him at the hospital with some money and I hadn't heard from him since then until tonight!"I wailed.
"You what?! What the hell is wrong with you Gerard?"Mikey looked at me incredulously,"Just tell me everything that happened."
I took in a deep breath and told him as much as I could remember of the hospital and the argument at the bar.
"Gerard you are the one in the wrong. You have absolutely no right to butt in and try to tell him how to handle his family. He grew up with them. He knew what he was doing. And then for you to be waiting for an apology from him? It's no wonder he said what he said. Gerard you are a fuckwit and you need to make things right,"Mikey said grumpily.
I let out a deep sigh and stared at him, the voice in the back of my head, the sober one, agreeing with him while I tried to think of a way I could get to bed without him noticing.
"Look, I understand that you've been having a rough time lately with Frank so I understand why you turned to alcohol. But starting tomorrow you are going cold turkey again. I promise not to tell Mom if you don't want me to. I think you should tell her but it's your choice. She's gonna be home from work soon so you might want to get to bed now."
"How did I get so lucky to have you as a brother?"I smiled up at him weakly.
"I dunno man. We can figure it out tomorrow. I'll call work for you in the morning so you can just sleep off your hangover. Come on,"Mikey held out his hand for me and I took it,"Lets get you into bed"
We staggered down into my bedroom where I fell onto my bed, the sleepiness taking over almost instantly. I barely felt Mikey pulling off my shoes, muttering about a smell, then leaving. I closed my eyes and woke up several hours later in the exact same position to Mikey coming back in with a glass of water and aspirin.
"Gerard I want you to take this now before you go to sleep okay?"
"Wh- before? I've been asleep ages,"I mumbled.
"I put you in here about a minute ago. Come on, take this and then you can sleep,"Mikey shook my shoulder. I sat up, took the pills and thanked Mikey, vowing to never drink again. He said goonight and left me to pull my jeans off and then half-heartedly climb under the blankets to fall into a deep sleep.
*
Most of the next day passed by with my sleeping. I woke up at six in the morning with a catastrophic headache and a thick mouth. I stumbled out to get more aspirin and water then had gone straight back to bed. At half past two I woke up starving. I got up to get some food, chewing slowly on a sandwich while I tried to remember last night. No matter what I did I couldn't remember anything. There was something niggling me in the back of my mind, telling me I had to do something, but nothing would tell me what it was so I gave up in it and went back to bed. Four hours later Mom came in and asked if I wanted dinner. I managed to wake up enough to say yes only to fall back asleep for another 3 hours. I woke at half nine feeling hungry and guilty. I stumbled out into the lounge to find Mikey and Alicia cuddling together on the couch.
"Finally up are you?"Mikey asked me quietly. Alicia must have been asleep.
"Was Mom mad? About dinner?"I asked in reply.
"No. I just told her you went with us last night and ended up feeling sick. I also called into work for you. They didn't seemt to mind at all. But you need to go in tomorrow then you're off until the fifth when they re-open."
"How was Mom yesterday?"I asked, the date hitting me in the face suddenly.
"Okay I guess. She got up quite late but when she was up we watched a movie together. It was just after you left actually."
"I feel terrible,"I groaned and fwumped down into the armchair.
"You should,"Mikey said simply, offering me no words of comfort,"You should go and talk to him. Make sure he's okay."
"What? Who?"I looked at him.
"Frank...?"
"Why would I..."I trailed off as a tidal wave of memories hit me,"Oh fuck. Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck."
"What's going on?"Alicia mumbled sleepily.
"Gerard's a fucking idiot that's all,"Mikey kissed her softly on the head.
"What should I do? Should I go and see him now?"
"Probably not. Give him the day to cool off and then go see him tomorrow. He's probably working anyway,"Mikey yawned widely.
"Okay..."I relaxed slightly.
"Sweetie?"Mikey nudged Alicia slightly,"Do you want to go down to bed?"
I didn't see her nod or say anything but she must have answered Mikey because he sat up slightly, maneuvering himself underneath her. He moved until she was across his lap, in his arms, and he picked her up like a gentleman.
"Go and see him in the morning okay? I'll wake you up before we go to work. Goodnight,"Mikey said as he carefully carried Alicia out of the lounge.
"G'night little brother,"I mumbled, sleep taking over me once more.

Notes

sorry it took so long im really bad at making myself write sorry sorry sorry