Taking Chances

I couldn’t seem to breathe deeply enough; couldn’t seem to stop my hands from shaking. But I refused to cry, like my mind told me I had to; refused to curl up in a ball in the dark and try not to feel. I had to get past this, and I knew from experience that if I bottled it up it would only get worse. I ran all the way to the bleachers, my heart racing almost as fast as my thoughts. I climbed the layered seats all the way to the top, too lost in thought, and nearly tripping and tumbling all the way back down. After I made it safely to my usual spot I pulled out my pack of smokes with shaking hands, placed one of the little death-sticks between my lips and lit up. I’d like to say it made me feel better, but it didn’t; the only thing that could fix me right now was nova-cane.

I lay back across the top bench, one hand resting on my chest while the other held my cigarette to my mouth. I stared up at the sky, my eyes slowly filling up with tears. It had been a little over a year since we moved here from New Jersey, and things had been going so well; I was getting straight As and my extra work, like music and stuff, were going great too. I had Mikey and Ray, and now Gerard, and my mom of course. So why did it all have to get so complicated? I sighed, if there was a God, he must hate me. I blew smoke rings as I tried to slow down my thoughts, tried to get a grip on my emotions.

I knew I couldn’t go back to school, couldn’t sit through the next two periods with Alex. It’s not that there was anything wrong with him, or that I didn’t like him; it was the exact opposite. Since I had heard Mr. Ryann say his name, I couldn’t stop thinking about my father, about all the things he had done and especially what he had done to Alex those few years ago. I squeezed my eyes shut, not noticing the tears that leaked into my hair, as the memories consumed me.

***

Ray watched as his friend practically ran out of the classroom, but he knew Frank well enough by now to know running after him would make it worse. Ray shared a concerned look with Mikey, neither one really understood what had upset their best friend. Ray glanced over at Gerard to see a torn and tortured look in his eyes; he wanted to run after his boyfriend, but he had a full class, and no one could know about him and Frank. Ray looked down at the adorable little ball of energy sitting next to him.

Carry was staring after Frank with a look of completely innocent concern. He looked up and met Ray’s eyes as if he had felt the other guy looking at him. Carry tilted his head slightly and grinned; Ray blushed slightly, his thoughts getting a little mixed up as he gazed at this beautiful new boy. He shook his head slightly and smiled, before turning back to his work.

It was harder for Gerard to get his mind off of his Frankie. He felt so guilty, but the seat next to Frank had been the only empty one, what was he supposed to have done? He couldn't have kept Alex or Frank at his desk for twenty minutes, and neither could he separate people so they could avoid each other. He had to act like he didn’t know about their past, he had to be the teacher. He was much too distracted for the rest of the class; all he wanted was to run until he found Frank and hold him until everything was okay again, and it broke his heart that he couldn’t.

***

I pushed myself to my feet, wiped my cheeks on the sleeve of my hoodie and started down the steps to the football field below. I had to get out of here, before it all got worse. I hitched my backpack more comfortably on my shoulder, held my cig between my lips as I walked over to and jumped the school’s fence. It wasn’t a long walk to my house. I dug my earbuds and phone out of my pocket and put on some music while I walked down the quiet road. I didn’t bother to look back.

I already knew where I wanted to go; there was an old cemetery down the road from my house that no one went to anymore. I used to run there when I was upset, after we first moved here, but that was before Mikey and Ray. I felt like I needed to be there now, like it was a good place to hide from the world. I tried hard to contain my tears as I walked through town, my music blaring in my ears the only thing keeping me from falling apart.

I walked fast, trying to get to my destination as quickly as possible, before I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I walked right past my house without looking up and headed further down three more blocks. As the worn and mismatched teeth of the cold and emotionless tombstones came into few, I felt a sliver of relief. Hopefully I had won this battle with myself; would come out of this stronger.

I slowly wandered through the winding rows of forgotten loved ones as I aimed for the giant oak at the back of the plot; it had a thick lower branch that was the perfect place to sit, which was exactly what I did. I tucked my knees up to my chest, pressed my back against the familiar rough bark and let it all go; I didn’t hold back my tears any more. What was the point? I was safe here, on this cemetery row of desolation, alone with myself and my thoughts; and my scars. I hugged my legs and buried my face in my arms and cried.

I didn’t notice the time pass, didn’t hear the footsteps approaching; I was too lost in my sorrow, too busy clinging to the music still blaring in my ears. I didn’t look up and see the compassion of the tall, dark, familiar boy who stopped before me, didn’t get to see the longing to help cross his face or see that he reached out only to be stopped by his own insecurities. I didn’t see the world right in front of me, because the world inside was too strong, the memories too vivid to allow me to escape back to reality. I was trapped in my mind, and it was all I could do to keep from screaming.

Notes

Im so so sorry that its so short. I only had a half hour with my laptop and it was post it or lose it. I'll post a nice long chapter as soon as i can. And dont worry, Frank will get better soon.

Rock 'n Roll, Pansies
Keep Running //.^