Casting Shadows

His lips felt soft on mine. Even softer than I'd imagined them to be. And yes, I had imagined kissing him. More than once. I held my breath and couldn't move. My hand was still on his cheek but he made no attempt to touch me or put his arm around me. I should have freaked out; no, I shouldn't have let it happen in the first place, even though I was suddenly aware of how badly I had wanted it. But now the only thing that made any sense was how fast my heart was beating. And how amazing it felt.

It didn't last long though. Not even long enough for me to close my eyes and really take in the sensation. We broke away from each other with a jump, almost as though we had been caught. There was no one around though. By now it was almost dark but I could still tell that Gerard's cheeks had blushed scarlet and I knew that mine were too.

'We should go back.' he mumbled, scratching himself in a nervous manner.

Just like that? Just go back? I could hardly think, let alone get up and pretend I didn't just kiss him. For a second I slightly panicked, so I grasped his arm once more. As he looked at me, I knew why he wanted to leave. He was worried that we would do it again if we didn't.

'We're gonna be okay, right?' I asked, shocked by how genuinely scared I sounded.

He didn't answer. And I couldn't blame him. I didn't know for sure either. He was just a frightened little boy and I was a frightened little girl. What did we know? We didn't have the power to predict anything. Still, I needed his assurance as much as he needed mine and not having it in this moment was hard to digest.

We walked back to the camp in silence, close enough that our arms were touching yet so far away from each other, lost in thought. My catholic guilt was already comparing the kiss to Eve taking a bite of the forbidden fruit and I wanted to laugh at my own stupidity. How guilty could I really be when it had felt so good that I wished I could repeat it? How wrong could it really be if the feeling it caused was more delightful than anything else I'd ever felt? Yet I felt guilty and like I had done something very wrong. There was no taking it back now though. And maybe we would be okay after all. We could pretend at least? His hand brushed my arm and he whispered a timid 'Good night' before walking off.

Needless to say that we avoided each other for days after the kiss. For the first time, I welcomed the detachment because it gave me time to really think about it. I kept myself busy taking care of the animals and telling them about my worries, and of course they couldn't give me any advice but they calmed me down. The conclusion was obvious; Gerard was my best friend and in my parents' eyes he was also my brother. Blood-related or not, they had been raising him as their own. Seth and Lucy had been referring to him as their 'brother'. Even if we forgot about the kiss and somehow managed to get rid of these feelings we had for each other, I would probably never be able to do the same.

But what if I had to? What if that was the solution? Maybe I had to force myself to see Gerard as my brother, although it was the last thing on earth I wanted? For the sake of my family. For a moment, I was sure I could do it. Then, about a week after that first kiss, it happened again. And I knew there was no way out.

These days we often talk about that summer because it was the summer we fell in love. We talk about the times we sneaked off to kiss. About how we refused to ever discuss what it actually meant, probably because there was no point, no way of figuring it out. We did what we felt like doing, despite of how ashamed we were, despite of how much more confusing it made things. I know he was sure that he'd eventually get punished for it, no matter how and by whom.

'Back then I thought I'd be punished because I kissed you.' he says and his lips find mine in the dark. 'Now I know I'd be punished if I didn't.'

*

Being in love with Skeeter was easy from the very beginning. Everything else, especially the inner turmoil and all the complication it caused, wasn't. Still, thinking about her made the bad things that were on my mind disappear. Being with her made me feel better. Her presence, her words, the way she held my hand; it made me feel like I was whole again even though I wasn't. When we were together, we didn't care about anything else. Once again I was escaping to a world of make-believe but this time Skeeter was escaping with me.

We would lay in the grass holding hands and talk. Sometimes I even talked about my real parents and it would be very upsetting. For some reason though, I felt the need to open up about it, to tell Skeeter about it even though it would upset her too. However, she encouraged me and listened, resting her head on my shoulder or pressing my hand to her heart whenever she noticed it was getting harder for me. I caught myself wishing for a different reaction at times. That she would be appalled by me, that she would realize just how fucked up I was and leave me. Not that I wanted her to leave but I didn't want her to stay out of pity either. Yes, constantly being caught between wanting her love and waiting for her to realize that I didn't deserve it is still an issue today. But I can't do anything about it.

It became our secret little game. Stealing kisses from each other. We were just children, there was nothing passionate about it, it was just sweet and innocent. But exciting nonetheless. I would run up to the farm where she was still busy combing down the horses and ponies, my arms still covered in paint, clay or ink from spending the afternoon in the arts and craft tent. She always expected me and hid in one of the empty boxes inside the stables, so I'd have to look for her. Sometimes she waited patiently for me to find her, at other times she would grab my arm as I walked past her hiding place and pull me close. Then my lips would meet hers and we'd blush insanely before she'd push me away again and ran off to finish her duties. We'd take the longest possible path back to camp and there'd be another few kisses here and there, accompanied by silly giggles and shy smiles. My arm would be around her shoulder or we'd be holding hands and for these 15 minutes, we were able to play house. Perfect, blissful, happy house. Where she wasn't my foster sister and I wasn't the boy with the scars.

This one conversation we had during the last week of summer camp is still suck in my memory. For obvious reasons. We were sitting under a tree and Skeeter was wearing a cute dress with a strawberry print. There were other children around so we didn't sit too close to each other but occasionally she would stretch her legs and her toes tickled mine, giving me goosebumps.

'What do you want to be when you grow up?' she asked me. 'I think you should be an artist. I mean, you kinda already are.'

I shrugged and stared off the distance. 'Haven't really thought about it.'

Would I ever be anything at all?

'Mom and dad talked about how you're definitely talented enough to get into an art school in New York if you wanted to. That would be cool, right?'

'What about you? You still wanna be a vet?' I asked. I was interested, of course but I also asked in order to distract her from interrogating me.

'Yeah, for sure. But you know, we should go to college in the same city. That'd be fun.'

'Skeeter, we have six more years of high school. And who knows what's gonna happen in six years. I might not live with you anymore.' I didn't want to say it but after all it was a possibility.

'What do you mean?' she sat up, a concerned look on her face.

'Well what if Christian and Tori find out?' she knew I was talking about us. 'What if they send me away?'

'They would never send you away, G. They love you. Also, they won't find out. We'll keep it a secret.'

'What if though?' my heart felt heavy in my chest just thinking about it. I hadn't noticed but I was close to tears.

Skeeter moved closer and put her arm around me. 'I would fight them. I would! I would do anything to stop them. I would even slay dragons for you!'

She still uses that same phrase now.

I would slay dragons for you.

Notes

Short mid-week update. Next chapter should be up on saturday or sunday hopefully.

I know the kiss was kind of short and not very spectacular but let's be real, it was their first kiss and they're two very confused 12-year olds so....how romantic can it be right?
Hope you still enjoyed this chapter.