Casting Shadows

When I realized what was happening I tried my best to stop it. As natural and right as it felt, I was convinced that it was wrong, that I wasn't supposed to feel like that. Plus, I was only a teenager; wasn't it normal to feel this way one day and that way the next? I told myself that it would eventually change, or that it was simply happening because I was obsessing over it. After trying my best to get rid of the thoughts and feelings, unsuccessfully. All the arguing and momentarily hating Gerard for something stupid he had done, it seemed to only intensify them. I then decided that ignoring it would be the only option I had, that if I persuaded myself that it didn't exist, it would eventually cease to exist.

I started spending more time with my other friends. Not because I wanted to avoid Gerard in any way, our friendship was still sacred and undisputed, but my parents wanted him to step out of his comfort zone and actually befriend other kids. It was vital, especially now that we were in Junior High, and I understood that. He had been talking to and playing with other children but only if I had been with him. I had been his personified security blanket for long enough now, he had to let go. At least a little bit. What I didn't expect was that it seemed to be harder for me than it was for him. As much as I enjoyed hanging out with friends like Caro and Holly, I constantly wished I was with Gerard instead. It was fun doing girly stuff for a change, obviously I couldn't do that with him but when they started talking about boys they liked, it made me feel awkward. Just so I could be part of the conversation, I made up a crush on some random boy. Of course I wasn't prepared for the gossip. And for the drama that followed.

It was a wednesday in early January and school had just started again after the holidays. Although my friends had promised to keep their mouths shut about my 'crush' on Adam, when you're 12 years old apparently a promise like this doesn't mean much. So as the day progressed, the rumor spread, and more and more people started talking about it. Most of them behind my back, although I was still aware of it; some asked me directly if it was true. Denying it didn't make a difference so there wasn't anything I could do to stop them. There was a group of three girls and two boys in my year who loved making fun of Gerard and by constantly defending him, I had made myself a target too. When they heard the gossip, they started teasing Gerard about it, implying that he had a crush on me by saying things like 'Awww are you upset now because Skeeter has another boyfriend?'. We all knew they were bullies and normally we never took them seriously but this made me feel uneasy. Especially as I noticed how uneasy it made Gerard. Before I could even explain myself or tell him that it was all bullshit and he shouldn't listen, he had walked off, so it had to wait until after school. That day, Gerard attended his after-school art program though.

I came home at 3.30pm. My mom was supposed to pick him up at 5. But when she got there, he was gone. Two of the students still waiting for their parents told her that he had gone to the bathroom. She checked, but he wasn't there either. Naturally she panicked and the art teacher helped her look for him, with no success. It had gotten dark an hour ago, it was freezing cold outside, and there was no sign of Gerard.

My dad called the police after my mom had called him, crying hysterically. Lucy and I overheard the conversation and immediately, I knew it was my fault. He was upset, about the Adam rumor. The Adam rumor I'd started because I'd felt pressured by my peers. God, how could I have been so stupid? Why the hell did I make up this stupid story? And how could I have not taken Gerard's feelings into consideration? Whether it was about the fact that he thought I actually liked Adam or the fact that he thought I had purposely kept a secret from him that he then had to find out from a bunch of bullies at school, it didn't matter. I should have known. I should have talked to him right away. Now he was missing. Gerard was missing. He had run away. Because of me.

The fear and panic overwhelmed me. I gasped for air but nothing except more fear and panic seemed to fill my lungs. Lucy grabbed me by the shoulders, trying to make me snap out of it as she realized I was about to lose it. It didn't do anything. In my mind, I could already see Gerard's lifeless body lying in the snow. The last thing I remember was thinking about not wanting to live anymore if anything happened to him.

*

At first it had seemed like a good idea. Although I didn't think it through at all. I just knew that I was pissed off and hurt, and I didn't feel like going home. Once again, I couldn't explain why I was so upset, I just was.

For two hours or so, I had wandered the streets after hitchhiking back into town. Now I was sitting in the tipi in our garden. Freezing my ass off. It was almost 10pm now.There was a police car in our driveway and I was scared shitless. Of course I regretted my decision now but I was way too stubborn and embarrassed to just do the right thing and walk inside to release my frantic foster family from their sorrow. No, I had to stay hidden. Or run away for real. They certainly wouldn't forgive me. They would be reminded of the fact that I was nothing more than a little troublemaker, that I didn't deserve to be here, that I didn't deserve them. Now that Skeeter had Adam, she didn't need me anymore so what did it matter? Yes, she told me that she didn't want me to ever leave her but obviously she didn't care.

That's not true, Skeeter loves you.

The voice inside my head sounded stern and convincing, yet I wanted to tune it out. So what if Skeeter loved me? She didn't love me the way I loved her. She never would. And even if she did, nothing good would ever come of it. Stupid Skeeter with her shiny blond hair and her warm smile and her soft hands and cute giggle. Stupid Skeeter, I wanted to hate her.

I pulled the beanie down to cover my ears some more while wiggling my numb toes inside my boots. Ugh. Why did this have to happen in winter? Why did-

I felt a breeze of even colder air as the flap that covered the entrance of the tipi was lifted and I heard a shocked gasp.

'Gerard!' Skeeter flung her arms around my neck, pretty much falling on top of me. 'Oh Gerard!'

She hugged me tightly and her relief was obvious. I felt relieved too but at the same time I felt a flood of emotions even more crushing than her hug. There was guilt. A lot of guilt. Then there was sadness, because I would have liked another few hours to think and figure out what was going on inside my head. A hint of anger at Skeeter for finding me. More anger at myself. And I was frightened of whatever was going to happen next.

'You're okay...you're okay...are you okay?' she sobbed and I nodded. 'Why did you run away? I was so scared. I thought you were dead. Why did you do this?!'

Maybe she really was angry at me too. Or maybe she just didn't know what else to do. It didn't feel as though she was blaming me but I still wanted to apologize.

'I'm sorry, Skee.' I mumbled into her hair, hesitantly putting my arms around her.

'What did I tell you about not leaving me? Did you forget?'

'No...'

'Don't ever forget. Ever. I need you.' she pressed her warm lips against my cold cheek before finally letting go of me.

'I'm sorry.' I repeated as she looked at me.

In that very moment, I knew. And I could tell she knew too. We didn't have to say it and we probably wouldn't even have found the right words to say it anyway. To be honest, I still don't have them. But as she looked into my eyes and I looked into hers, it felt as if my heart did a kick-start and I didn't feel cold any longer.

Christian and Tori were so relieved that they couldn't even be mad at me. I would have deserved it but I was happy to be showered with kisses instead, a cup of hot chocolate in front of me and wrapped up in at least four blankets. Including Skeeter's blankie of course. Both my foster parents and the cops interrogated me until they were satisfied, although I was reluctant about giving them my reasons for running away. In retrospect, there really were none anyway.

'Whatever happens, you can always come home and talk to us. Don't ever think you can't. No matter what it is, okay?' Tori said, planting another kiss on my forehead.

I looked over at Skeeter again and she gave me a weak smile, as if to apologize.

Notes

Thanks for reading, guys :)