Casting Shadows

No one expected me to make him better. But there was no doubt that my parents were more likely to reach Gerard through me. They were aware that I was still just a 7 year old child myself so they never consciously used me. They also didn't have to. When I was there, Gerard naturally preferred my company more than my parents'. He preferred to communicate with me. My presence made him calmer. Not always, of course. There were times when he was so far gone that no one could reach him, not even me. It was scary and confusing when that happened.

I was a happy child with loving parents. I had never experienced abuse in any way. I didn't know that there were mothers and fathers out there who mistreated and hurt their children. Seth and Lucy had come to live with us because their parents were alcoholics and had lost custody of them. They visited several times a year when the social worker allowed it and both kids actually looked forward to these visits. Even though the possibility of returning to their parents was slim, it wasn't completely ruled out. I couldn't imagine what it was like. Not knowing where you truly belonged. Or feeling bad because you felt more at home with parents who weren't even your own. It wasn't until the age of 16 that I realized how lucky I truly was. And that made me feel awful.

How shitty, right? Almost as though I only became depressed because I had absolutely no reason to be depressed. Look at me, poor Skeeter. Look at the girl who was sheltered and loved all her life, graciously sharing her parents with abused and neglected children. She is sad because she feels guilty. Sad because she never had to go through any of the shit they had to go through.

I told Gerard that one night in July and to my surprise, he understood.

It's funny. These days I can't really remember anything that didn't involve Gerard in some way. He is right when he says he invaded my life but I never saw that as a bad thing. I was a happy child before he became part of my family and I was happy after. It changed me. Of course it changed everything. But not once did I wish he hadn't.

Sometimes when adults try to 'fix' someone, they do it for their own selfish reasons. To feel better about themselves, mostly. Or to have something to do. Or to get something in return. Even if it's just the right to say 'I did this for you, now you owe me!' As a child, you don't think like that. Neither of us did. Seth and Lucy were very protective toward Gerard, just like they were toward me. They were older so it was normal that they looked after us. Gerard and I, we were the same age. We were supposed to be equal but due to the things he had to go through, we weren't. In some ways he seemed a lot younger, sometimes acting almost like a toddler. He was behind on basics, like tying his shoelaces or using a knife and fork properly. He couldn't read or write yet. In other ways he seemed older. More thoughtful, more serious, with a pessimism that was unusual for a child. My mission was to bring him back. Bring back the 7 year old boy he was supposed to be.

Despite the move, Gerard and I still attended the same school. The bus ride was longer now but we didn't mind. It gave us time to practice the letters he didn't know or simple math together. My parents also practiced with him, every day, but it didn't stress him out as much when he was able to do it with me. At school, the teachers were considerate and patient with him. Everyone knew about his mom and dad, even though they tried their best to not make it too obvious. He began seeing a therapist which did nothing except disturb my parents when they were shown the drawings Gerard had made during the sessions. But at least he was 'expressing his feelings'.

I never saw any of these drawings but for my eighth birthday he drew me the prettiest butterfly I had ever seen.

*

Three months after I had left my mom and dad, I celebrated my first Christmas at my new home. Up until then I'd never even had a real Christmas. We decorated the house together, I got my very own advent calendar. The presents were only of secondary importance to me. I was overwhelmed by how it all felt. As though I had always been part of this family. At the same time, it was also an extremely difficult time for me. Again, I constantly questioned why and how things were the way they were, so different from what I was used to. The nightmares became more frequent, all the fears and doubts I could successfully banish during the day, came crashing down on me at night. I often woke up crying, not able to let anyone comfort me.

Shortly after Christmas, the trial began. I had to talk to social workers and a lot of people wearing suits and ties. I don't remember their names and faces today; the only thing I do remember is having to attempt to tell them over and over again what my parents had done to me. Most of which I couldn't even put in words back then. The people had photos and reports from the day I had been taken to the hospital, they had been talking to my foster parents as well as Seth, Lucy and Skeeter. It was decided that I would be staying with them permanently, since I had no relatives who were able to take me. I was happy about that. I had become quite fond of Mr and Mrs Sloan, who I had started calling by their first names, Christian and Tori. Trusting them 100% still was impossible but I had finally stopped being scared of them and expecting punishment whenever I acted out. Luckily I didn't have to testify in court. My statement was recorded and presented during the trial, so I didn't have to see my parents either. They both got time in prison; my mother seven years and my father 20. When Christian sat me down to explain that my mom and dad would be locked away for a very long time and I would never have to see them again, I felt relieved. Although he also told me that if I ever wanted to see them again, I could decide for myself when I was older, I shook my head. His eyes welled up with tears. I didn't know whether he was happy or sad but that was the first time I let my foster dad hug me.

I started seeing a therapist. She mostly just observed while I was playing or drawing but sometimes she wanted to talk to me about the painful things. I ignored her then, tuned out her voice and concentrated on whatever I was doing. She also tried to teach me how to calm myself down when I was angry, sad, or tense; told me that I couldn't always rely on Skeeter to help. What this strange lady didn't understand was that I didn't rely on Skeeter, we were friends. Companions. Whatever you wanted to call it, it had happened naturally, not out of necessity.

Skeeter was the light of my life. Not in a romantic way, after all we were only kids. I found myself observing her, wishing I could be like her, wishing I could have some of that happiness that was radiating from her. I wasn't jealous. If anything, I was proud that I was able to be so close to her, yet she never made me feel like less of a person. When it was obvious that I couldn't spell or read a certain word, when it took me ten minutes to tie my shoelaces - she never once made me feel stupid. Yet I felt bad because I didn't know how to repay her.

Her birthday was in late March. Around the time the first butterflies started flying around, and I knew she loved butterflies. Despite feeling insecure, I decided to make a present for her. It was only a drawing. A Spring Azure butterfly which we had seen in the garden just a week before and which she had chased around.

'Mr Butterfly, wait! Mr Butterfly, I just want to look at you!' Skeeter had begged breathlessly, her blond piggy tails bouncing up and down.

It finally sat down on a flower and she was able to look at it up close. 'Look how blue he is, Gerard!'

I just nodded, not wanting to disturb the moment between her and the insect. Then I adjourned to my room, pulling out my drawing pad and pencils. Without really thinking about it, I began to sketch the butterfly. Apart from the angry, dark drawings I had done at school or therapy, I had never drawn anything.

But Skeeter made me abandon the bleak and pick up the colors.

Notes

Another update for you! I have a busy week ahead of me but hopefully I will be update again on tuesday.

Thanks for reading!