Casting Shadows

I get up early the next day although it's a saturday. Staying in bed after so many sleepless hours would be absurd. As I carefully slip out from under the covers I can tell Skeeter is only pretending to be asleep, and I'm relieved and grateful when she doesn't say anything just like I was relieved and grateful for her silent acceptance last night. Despite the fact that she was aware of my act, my 'whatever' attitude toward the news that I have a brother, she didn't call me out on it. Even though she knew I only turned off the light in order to show her that I wanted to hear nothing more about him while I spent the next several hours wondering what he was like.

Another reason for acting the way I did and refusing to even listen to what she had to say was the naive notion of thinking that if I avoided it, it would eventually go away. Even though I knew it was exactly the kind of behavior that had gotten me into trouble before, even though I had promised to try and talk to Skeeter instead of hiding from her, and the issues. Well, at least I didn't leave in search of a party to get drunk and high at. At least I didn't start an argument with her. To be honest, I was far too taken aback by the news to even have a reaction. And so my only reaction was to not have one. A brother? Okay. What does that mean? Should it affect me? Shouldn't it? In the midst of all the disquiet, I also registered annoyance and resentment. Everything was going so well between Skeeter and I; not only was I happy and confident in our relationship, I was happy and confident with myself. But no, out of the blue, this dude shows up, claiming he's my brother, wanting to meet me, trying to cause trouble and bringing tension back in my life as well as my relationship. I know deep down that I can't blame him yet I blame him anyway since it's so easy.

I can tell that Skeeter steps into the kitchen behind me and I tense up immediately.

'Gerard...we have to talk about it. You have to talk to me. I know you don't want to but...' she says as I pour some coffee. 'You told me that I cut you too much slack. So this is me not cutting you slack for once. Don't try to ignore this. Because you know as well as I do that it will only grow into something bigger if you do. I want you to sit down with me and talk. Now.'

There goes my gratitude. The tiny bit of hope I had left that once again I'm getting away with it. That she will accept the fact that I don't want to talk about it and leave it be. She doesn't do me the favor. And she's right, I asked for it. Although I honestly rather run naked through Central Park than have this conversation, I sigh in defeat and turn around to look at her, nodding in agreement. She seems surprised, and her stern expression softens before she walks back into the bedroom. I grab my coffee and follow her.

We sit face to face on the bed, and after struggling to figure out where to begin, she tells me about Michael. How he came up to her at SVA after I had left, how he asked about me and told her how he had found me. That he knows about our birthparents' trial, sentence and incarceration. She tells me that she begged him not to approach and ambush me, that he had to give me a choice, and that she would talk to me. She also admits that she was thinking about keeping it from me but that she felt too guilty about lying. Although she's choosing her words carefully, she's not sparing me any details. His story makes sense but I question his credibility nonetheless, still repudiating the idea that I have a biological brother, that there's someone out there with the same genes, yet leading a completely different life, unaware, at least until recently, that his birthparents are child abusers, and without the fear of becoming just like them one day.

'He's so much like you. I can't pinpoint it but there's no doubt in my mind that he told the truth. If you'd meet him, you'd feel the same way.' Skeeter says as I lie down and stare up at the ceiling.

'I don't want to meet him.'

'Because you think it's what's best for him or for you?' she settles down next to me, resting her head on my shoulder in a calming way.

'Both. I mean, imagine finding out that you have a sibling who had to go through the shit I had to go through while you were safe with a family who loved you. Imagine finding out that you're the one who got away. Fuck....you don't even have to imagine it! You know how it feels. You feel guilty about it to this day and we're not even related.'

'But he knows about what happened to you.'

'No he doesn't. No one does, Skee. Not even you. If you knew about exactly what happened to me...if you read that file, or saw those photos, or spent just a few minutes inside my head...with these memories....you'd have the same nightmares I had for years.' I take a deep breath. I haven't addressed this in so long. Let alone so straightforwardly. 'You wanna know why I quit therapy? Because there are things I was completely unaware of, memories so painful and frightening that my subconscious mind has decided that the only way I'd be able to survive was to bury them as deep as I could. And when a glimpse of them started to surface, the only thing I could do was run and hide. It's enough that you know the things you do know. I regret telling you sometimes. Because I can see how it burdens you. That's why I tried pushing you away. And that's why I'm pushing him away now.'

'I take on your burdens because I love you. We all do. Our parents, our siblings. It's what we do. I'm not stupid, Gerard. I know there's a lot I don't know. And if one day you decide you want to talk about it, I will be here. Mikey isn't stupid either. He's only 16 but he knows what it would mean to get to know you. Especially after he's talked to me. I was very honest with him.'

'I wish I could.' I really do. I wish it was easier. But it's not easy; it never was and it probably never will be.

'I know...' she takes my hand and holds it to her heart. A sympathetic gesture which has calmed me down many times before.

'I'm sorry.'

'There's nothing you need to apologize for. And you know, you can always change your mind. Maybe discuss it in therapy. If one day you want to meet him, and he's still up for it, you can. What's the point of doing something that's potentially harmful for both of you? I mean, as cruel as it sounds but you don't owe him anything. But you owe it to yourself to do the right thing.'

I turn to face her and nod. Telling him that I never ever want to meet him would be wrong. Truth is, I don't know for sure how I feel about this in a few days, weeks, months or years. Right now, I'm doing what's best for me; perhaps once some time has passed and I'm more stable, I will be able to meet him. He's just a teenager who has no idea just how much meeting me would change his life, and I'm a 19 year old who's only just starting to come to terms with his past while trying to not let it affect his future anymore.

'They gave him away the day he was born yet they kept me. For what? They could have given me away too, they obviously didn't love me, so why didn't they?' I'm not asking Skeeter, I'm asking myself out loud.

'I don't know. I wish I knew. But there's no point in trying to make sense of senseless actions. Even if there was an answer to that, I don't think you would want to hear it.'

Skeeter kisses me gently before wrapping her arms around me and pulling me close. I sigh, resting my head against her chest. There's nothing else I can do. There's nothing else I want to do.

*

Gerard isn't upset. Or angry. Or anxious. Or anything really. Surprisingly, he just seems to accept the fact that he has a brother, even the fact that our parents decided not to tell him about Mikey, without letting it affect him too much. It's just the way it is, he says. Maybe one day he will be ready to let it affect him, maybe one day he will deem Mikey ready to let it affect him as well. Right now, I find it difficult to figure out what's going on inside his head but I know that he made the best decision for himself, one that he's comfortable with, and that's an important step. He's doing what's right for him, making sure he's in control of the situation. Needless to say, I'm proud of him.

Regardless of that, I've been asking myself the same questions as him. Why didn't they just give Gerard away? Why only Mikey? Did they get some sick satisfaction from torturing him? From keeping him under their control? Did they feel high and mighty when he returned from kindergarten or school every day although they treated him like garbage and inflicted so much pain? Did they enjoy it when he lied about his injuries to protect them, too scared that he would lose his parents, too scared of what would happen to him if he told anyone the truth. It's not like it's the first time I'm wondering about this, even though I will never find an explanation. Perhaps a psychologist would have answers, however, what would it matter? It can't give him back what was stolen from him.

Instead of letting me contact Mikey, Gerard lets go of me after a while and grabs his laptop to log in on Facebook to find him. On the one hand it surprises me but on the other, he seems confident enough to deal with it. His expression is free of emotion as he studies Mikey's photo before clicking on 'message', and I leave the room to give him some privacy. I know he doesn't need me to help him.

How will Mikey handle it though? 16 is a difficult age. Did my honesty prepare him? Will he know that it's not a rejection but simply what's best for both of them at the moment? He was going to approach him at SVA, just like that. I can't even imagine what that would have been like, and I'm thankful it didn't happen.

'Read it.' Gerard says, placing his Macbook in front of me about 20 minutes later.

Mikey,
I'm not ready to meet you yet, for various reasons. It's not that I don't want to meet you, I just think that it's too soon. But maybe one day we can. I've only just started living my life without feeling as though I don't deserve to be here. However, in order to meet you, talk to you, tell you about me and get to know you, I still have to come to terms with a lot of things. Learn how to deal with them. I don't want to feel guilty, and I don't want you to feel guilty about anything either. I hope you understand. I know this isn't what you wanted to hear but it's all I can offer you for now.

All the best
Gerard

I take a deep breath. 'I mean it's obvious that you don't really know what to say. Then again, that's expected. It's sincere and it isn't cold. I think he will get it.'

'It has to be enough. I don't know what else to tell him. But I didn't want to keep him waiting. I know a thing or two about what it's like to be anxious.' he turns the laptop around and looks at me, unsure about what to do next.

'It's good. Send it.' I say and he hits 'send'.

'Now what?'

'Do you wanna go back to bed and cuddle?' I ask, and to my great joy, a smile lights up his face as he nods.

We spend the whole weekend in the safety of our bedroom, wrapped up in each other, eating crappy food and watching weird documentaries about alien abductions on Netflix. It's nice to pretend nothing and no one else exists for a while, especially since we're returning home on tuesday for Christmas. There's no more talk about Mikey but every now and then I can tell Gerard is thinking about him. I've noticed such a tremendous change in him over the last few weeks, and the way he took care of the situation, even though he undoubtedly wanted to avoid it at first, is proof that he wants that change, and is working hard and trying his best. Would this have happened two months ago, Gerard would most likely be MIA, drinking at some shady house party with some shady characters, popping pills in order to forget. Yet he's here with me, letting me in again, just like he used to when we were kids. I don't want to act as if nothing's wrong, or as if there will never be difficult times again. The holidays will bring tension, I'm sure. My parents are not yet used to Gerard and I as a couple. The trip to the cabin with our new friends will be something entirely new, for him, and for us. However, I don't feel nervous about it due to the fact that we are a team again, and closer than ever.

'Are you okay?' I want to know as I snuggle up to him.

'Yeah. I'm okay.' he just answers, and kisses my hair.

Notes

blablabla I'm sorry for the lack of updates blablabla I'm sure you're tired of hearing it haha work has kept me very busy and I'm also taking care of a sick relative right now which is also a full-time job. ANYWAY, I hope you liked this chapter...nothing THAT interesting happened and it was quite serious. But I promise more fun, cute, possibly sexy chapters are ahead! Just please be patient with me because I have no idea when the next update will come.

I'd love to hear your thoughts as always <3 thanks for reading!