Casting Shadows

I feel slightly uncomfortable as I walk towards the coffee shop. Skeeter and I are meeting up with her friend Alice, as well as her group of friends who are also coming to the cabin. It had been Skeeter's idea, after I had unsuccessfully tried to hide my unease when she told me about the invitation. The thought of spending almost a whole week with strangers, in the middle of nowhere, had caused immediate anxiety, so she suggested to meet up with them in order to get to know them first. The truth is, I have absolutely no desire to get to know them. I have no desire to go up to that cabin. I'm antisocial and I like being antisocial. There are a few people at SVA that I sometimes hang out with in between classes; some of them had taken me out back when I'd still get shitfaced instead of spending time with Skeeter. However, the alcohol and pills had given me enough confidence to be among strangers back then; now I'm sober, and I don't really feel like talking to anyone.

Despite all that, and after overcoming the initial surge of averseness, I realized that I was falling back into old habits which also meant forcing Skeeter to do what she had been doing since we were kids: accepting my behavior and making it as easy as possible for me so I could lean back and just avoid every uncomfortable situation; making friends for me and be my safety blanket whenever we hang out with other people. The social anxiety that causes me to be a loner isn't something I can get rid off from one day to the next, but I know I have to start working on it unless I want to be that awkward kid in the back of the class for the rest of my life. And I don't. Especially because the classroom will eventually turn into an office, where I can't hide, or get wasted. Plus, I don't want Skeeter to feel as though she has to look after me constantly. So to her surprise, I changed my mind and told her yes.

Now I regret the decision. Since I had to stay to discuss one of the assignments we have to do over the Christmas break with the instructor, I'm late which means everyone else is already there. I can see them through the window as I approach and luckily Skeeter spots me. It must be obvious how stressed out I am because she gets up and welcomes me at the entrance.

'Hey baby.' she says with a faint smile and hugs me. 'You had a good day? Everyone's excited to meet you.'

Wow Skeeter, don't try so hard.

I raise my eyebrows at her to let her know that she can stop acting like that but she looks away nervously before taking my hand and leading me over to the table. There's no time to think about what's going on with her, and maybe it's just me overanalyzing the situation like I always do when my anxiety grows.

'There he is!' Alice waves frantically and I return the gesture with a half-smile, a little less frantically.

We've met a couple of times; mostly outside NYU when I was there to pick up Skeeter after her classes, and at a few parties that we decided to go to when boredom and tipsiness made us adventurous enough to get drunk with strangers from college. She's nice, although extremely blunt and loud, which gets worse when she's drunk. She always flirts with me but neither Skeeter nor I take her seriously when she does, because that's just how she is and we know she's (mostly) joking around. From what Skeeter tells me about her though, she's a good friend. I have no idea how much she knows about our relationship but if Skeeter trusts her, that's enough for me to trust her too.

'Everyone, this is Gerard.' Skeeter introduces me. 'Gerard, these are...a bunch of people I literally only just met five minutes ago and whose names I didn't memorize, sorry.'

They all laugh and I already relax a bit; looking over at Skeeter, I notice that she seems to feel more comfortable as well. I take off my coat and hang it over the back of the chair before I sit down next to her, and then everyone at the table introduces themselves. There's Alice's twin brother Ray, his girlfriend Ella, and his best friend Wyatt, who I know Alice has a crush on. Then Ben and Kathy, who went to high school with Alice and Ray, as well as Jonah, their cousin, and Dani, his girlfriend. Just like Skeeter, I forget their names again immediately but I don't worry about it too much. All of them seem easy-going and fun. I'm almost certain that Skeeter laid some groundwork for me, but every time I look over to her she seems to be looking the other way, and then I am asked another question. Either way, my fears turn out to be unfounded. Jonah engages me in a conversation about comics after he tells me he's an avid reader as well. He's the first person apart from Skeeter and my family who gets truly excited when I tell him about doing Illustration and Cartooning at SVA, and who enjoys listening to pretty much everything I have to say. I also talk about music and films with Ray, who plays guitar in several bands and majors in Media Studies. Pretty much the whole group makes me feel welcome and less awkward, which I'm grateful for.

'So how did you guys meet?' Dani then asks Skeeter and I after the waiter places another round of hot beverages in front of us.

We are prepared for that question but I can feel Skeeter freeze and I do the same. We've never told any of our friends about us before, not because it makes us uncomfortable but because we know it might make them uncomfortable. Especially people we've only just met.

'Umm well...we grew up together.' Skeeter says, bouncing the tea bag in and out of her cup and avoiding eye contact.

'Awww childhood sweethearts! That's so cute!' Ella gushes and I wait for Skeeter to giggle and blush like she normally would but she just nods, still looking down at her tea.

'What's wrong?' I whisper to her after the others continue their conversation about how they met.

'Nothing.'

'Are you sure?' I move closer and put my arm around her and she nods, finally looking at me.

'I'm just tired and I've had a headache all day.' she says.

Somehow I suspect that she's lying but then again, why would she lie to me?

'Okay. Let's finish our drinks and leave, hmm? So you can rest.' I suggest and she gives me a weak smile before kissing my cheek.

*

I hate lying to him. Hate it. I never lie to him. Because it breaks my heart to know that he trusts me 100% yet I'm taking advantage of that trust. When he takes my hand as we leave the coffee shop to head to the subway, I tell myself that it's for his own good. I'm protecting him, even if it means lying to him.

The conversation with Mikey is still lingering in my head. As soon as he said the words 'I think he's my brother' I knew that there was no way he wasn't. He looked so familiar to me because their faces were similar, and even though it was subtle and I couldn't quite saw how, it was still scary once I realized it. Mikey's face was more angular where Gerard's was rounder but they had the same eyes, and something about the way he talked reminded me of Gerard. Which was odd considering that they had never met before. My initial reaction was of course shock. I was speechless which gave him the opportunity to keep talking. He had found out that he was adopted a few months ago, on his 16th birthday. At first, he'd had no desire to find out anything about his biological parents but when he changed his mind and asked, his mom and dad refused to tell him. Understandable, considering they were both child abusers. But a 16 year old with access to the internet and a good amount of money from a summer job at a record store can get pretty much any information, so soon enough he was reading an article about his birth parents' arrest. It was harder to find out about Gerard, since his name wasn't mentioned in the article. So Mikey looked up schools in the area to find any kids with the same last name, found a class photo of Gerard in Junior High, did another name search and found Gerard's Facebook (which he barely used and only got for his study and art groups) that had just the little bit of basic information he needed. Date of Birth, Current City, Education. Seth, Lucy, as well as myself had tagged him in some of our photos and so he was able to connect the dots. From there it was only about collecting a few more details and then, hanging around SVA to eventually meet him. Or in this case, me.

'I was too scared to approach him so I thought I'd talk to you first.' Mikey told me.

'You can't contact him. You can't. Please don't.' I answered when I snapped out of my trance-like state. 'He's been through a lot. And he's finally in a good place. This would just...it would mess him up. I'm sorry, I know you want to meet him but that doesn't give you the right to just ambush him like that.'

'But I thought, maybe...maybe you could you talk to him?'

'Are you aware of the position you're putting me in? You're literally not giving me a choice. I can either go home and lie to him; pretend that today was just like any other day and not the day I found out he has a brother. Which I know I can't do because we don't lie to each other. Ever. Even if I tried, he would notice. And that would hurt him. So what else is there to do but to tell him the truth? I have to. And that will hurt him too. Maybe if he was my foster brother, it would be easier but he's my boyfriend and we live together, we sleep in the same bed, we share everything, so it's not that fucking easy.' he looked dumbstruck.

'I'm sorry. I didn't know...and I didn't think about that.' he admitted and I tried my best not to start screaming.

'It's Christmas next week, for fuck's sake. You could have at least waited 'til after the holidays.' I knew I was being harsh but I couldn't help it. I was so angry, so full of misbelief that something like that would happen now, when Gerard was doing so well.

That's all I can think about right now, as Gerard squeezes my hand before he lets go to get the key out of his bag. We didn't speak on the way home. I kept quiet and he assumed that my headache was the reason for the lack of conversation, which made me feel glad I'd made up that particular excuse. But I know that eventually I will run out of excuses or the excuses will turn into full-blown lies. I don't want that to happen. Even with the purest, most noble intentions, I know that it's wrong to lie. Gerard should and must know that he has a brother. And although I've decided to wait as long as possible to tell him, I'm aware that it will put a strain on our relationship.

When he sets down a glass of water on my bedside table and hands me an Ibuprofen as I take off my clothes five minutes later, I shake my head and pull him close to kiss him instead. I can feel his surprise and hesitation but I press my body against his, deepening the kiss until he moans and wraps his arms around me.

'Sex cures headaches.' I mumble, shoving my hand down his pants, feeling him get hard instantly.

It's urgent, at least on my part. He tries to slow me down but I know where to touch him, how to kiss him, where to guide his hand, in order to make him want me just as desperately. And it doesn't take long until he's inside me and I finally forget because he feels too good and he makes me feel too loved to even think clearly anymore.

But as I lay there breathlessly, enveloped in his arms, my heart sinks as I realize that once again, it was all about taking my mind off things. I realize that I'm being selfish. It's true, I want to protect him, but I also want to protect us. This. And ultimately myself. The last few weeks have been amazing, we're happy, with nothing to worry about. Gerard hasn't had any nightmares or panic attacks, he's seeing a therapist again and seems content about it. We're finally able to be together like we've always longed for, we're strong and that, plus the equally solid relationship with our family, is providing a source of strength for him. If I tell him the truth, everything is going to start crumbling; it will trigger an avalanche of inevitable changes that will hurt everyone involved. My parents must have known about Mikey, and he will question them, question their decision not to tell him.

And that means he will probably question mine as well.

'Skee are you crying? What's wrong?' I feel his lips on my temple and his arms tighten around me. I didn't even realize I am crying.

I can't lie to him. I don't want to lie to him. He has to know what happened. I'm here and I will always be here, no matter what he needs. We will just have to deal with the changes together, the best way we can.

So I turn to face him and my gut clenches at the worried look on his face and I grab his hand, lacing my fingers through his.

'I met your brother today.' I say and the worried look changes into a confused one.

'Seth? Is he okay? What is he doing in New York? I talked to him last night and he was still in Atlanta.'

'No...not Seth. Your biological brother.' I swallow hard and look down at our entwined hands. I can tell that he's holding his breath. 'You have a real brother. His name is Michael. He's 16. He was given up for adoption right after his birth. And...he found out about it a few weeks ago. He found out about you. And this morning, he was there at SVA...and he came up to me and told me.'

Gerard rolls onto his back, his expression blank. Most of the time I know what he's thinking but right now, I have no idea. He's still holding my hand and that connection between us makes the tension a bit more bearable. I give him a few minutes to process it but when the silence becomes too deafening, I tell him one more thing.

'He wants to meet you.'

'Well...I don't want to meet him.' he just says without hesitation, sounding completely emotionless.

And with that, he reaches over to the nightstand to turn off the light.

Notes

UHHHHH

so what do you think guys?

comments are welcome as always! do you think Gerard should change his mind and meet Mikey or not?

thanks for reading <3