Casting Shadows

Something is tickling my cheek and as I blink my eyes open I find Akira nuzzling my cheek with her tiny nose. She continues to snuffle as I try to escape her curious investigation of my face and I hear Skeeter giggle. I turn around and find her sitting at the foot of the bed, watching the scene with a cheeky grin.

'Oh so instead of kissing me good morning, you let our hedgehog baby kiss me good morning. How sweet.' I grumble and give her a fake angry look before pulling the sheets over my head so Akira can't continue her assault.

'I kissed you good night though. Don't be so greedy.' she reaches for one of my feet but I pull away quickly and sit up.

'Greedy? ME? Who's talking?' she blushes and bites her lips, a sight I adore.

For someone who used to think no one would ever love him, I sure am loved a lot. It feels unreal but at the same time real enough to make my heart flutter with delight. I'm lucky. Not that it's something I'm realizing and experiencing for the first time but for the first time, I actually feel as though I deserve it. As though I'm allowed to enjoy it. And like I finally have the ability to reciprocate those feelings, to make Skeeter feel just as loved as she makes me. Even though the possibility that it might not last threatened to make me restless again last night, after Skeeter fell asleep in my arms, my happiness is too unalloyed right now. To a point where I almost feel like a liar, or an actor in a cheesy romance movie. I'm not though. This is real. I'm me. Without the urge to run away or hide, without the urge to get wasted and pretend not to care. I'm me, and I'm happy.

I can't even say for sure where the urge came from in the first place. I wonder if it was an issue that had to do with my fear of facing Christian and Tori, or if it’s something a lot less obvious. Something that’s hidden deep within me. Something that I might never be able to figure out and deal with. Or perhaps something that doesn’t even exist. Perhaps I just need an excuse, a problem, worries to run away and hide from. Whatever it is, I don’t want it to come back. But I don’t know how to fight it if it does come back. Skeeter is right, I should start seeing a therapist again. Not just for my own sake, but for our relationship. I don't ever want to hurt her again. I don't ever want to feel the need to use her to distract myself again. She deserves better and I can be better, I know it. Especially after last night. Everything that happened in the past week only proves that dealing with problems is so much better than hiding from them, even if it's difficult and painful.

'What's the matter, baby?' Skeeter asks and picks up Akira to put her back in her box, then sits next to me in bed.

'I think I wanna go back to therapy. As a preventive measure, you know?' I don't want her to think that there's a specific reason or that there's something wrong. She gets it, though.

'You should. There's a lot you don't talk about.' she doesn't sound upset, more like she's just stating a fact. And of course, she's right.

'Yeah. I mean, it's not like I don't want to talk to you about it, it's just-'

'I know. I'm glad you're going back. I remember when you had hysteric fits every time my parents took you to therapy. Progress!'

'Ha! I used to have hysteric fits over everything. And then I basically refused to talk and just made my usual rage drawings.' I point out.

'What were you drawing?' Skeeter asks but I shrug.

'Honestly, I can't remember. I'd be surprised if it was more than angry scribbles. What I do remember is biting several pencils in half and tearing up paper. They must have loved that. So much to analyze!' I joke but she remains serious.

'You know how proud I am of you, right? I really am.' she takes my hand and laces her fingers through mine, looking down at them. I feel a lump in my throat but it's one of the good kind. 'You were so scared...of becoming a monster just like him. I got sad because I knew you could never be like him but you believed it. Even as a little boy you believed it. That broke my heart. And then I felt shitty for feeling like that because I wasn't the one going through it. Ugh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bring that up and ruin the good mood.' she shakes her head but I squeeze her hand to let her know it's okay. 'I just...I know you tend to see all your faults and flaws, and you think you're weak or tainted. You think there's so much wrong with you. But I see them and I think about how strong you are and how far you've come. I hope one day you can see that too.'

Although saying it out loud was never required since I always knew how she felt, hearing it, on a morning like this, after everything we shared last night, affects me deeply.

'You say that like you take no credit for it. You, Tori, and Christian - you are the reason I'm not dead. Or on the streets. Or a drug addict. Or the monster my dad was. You rescued me. You took care of me. You did everything in your power, you do everything in your power to make sure I'm okay. And you cut me waaay too much slack.'

'Gerard...' Skeeter sighs, and I know she wants to disagree so I pull her on top of me, hugging her tightly.

'You're too good to me sometimes. You know it's true.'

'Are you saying I'm overcompensating?'

'I'm saying you don't always have to accept it when I fuck up.'

'Okay. Fair enough. Thanks for telling me. No sex for a week next time.' I can feel her smiling against my skin.

'Hey! NO! That's not what I said!' I protest and she lifts her head to look at me. 'Plus, that would be a punishment for you too. I'm too good at it.' I wink and she blushes again.

'Yeah. Yeah you are.'

*

We spend most of the sunday in bed, eating pizza and watching Christmas movies while Akira is exploring under blankets and in between pillows. On numerous occasions I catch myself thinking how perfect it is, how good it feels to have nothing to worry about and how silly we were for waiting that long to fix the situation with my parents. Regretting it won't change a thing, I know, and I'm too happy to let it get to me anyway but still, it's on my mind. I'm glad that Gerard decided to go back to therapy, and maybe I should talk to someone too. It's true, I overcompensate, I admit it, and I know it's not the best thing; not for Gerard, not for me, not for our relationship. Sometimes I can't help it though. Just like in that moment, 12 years ago, when I gave him my 'blankie' after I saw his scars for the first time, I want to shower him with love in hopes of taking away all the pain. I don't care what happens to me, or anyone else for that matter, as long as Gerard is safe and has everything he needs. Although he doesn't deliberately take advantage of it, my life revolves around him, and at times it becomes unhealthy for us. At times it even seems as though I think about the abuse he suffered more than he does and I get so desperate trying to show him just how much I love him, possibly because to this day, I feel as if there was something I could have done to help him sooner. So talking to a therapist is actually long overdue.

Monday morning comes and Gerard accompanies me to NYU. His first lecture isn't until 10 so we have coffee together in the cafeteria before he heads off to catch the 6 to get to SVA. Since I finish early, I promise to pick him up after his last one. As I walk toward the lab, my friend Alice catches up with me. We've known each other since we met at the Open House event two years ago and after starting the biology program at the same time, we quickly became friends.

'Where the fuck have you been? Did the lack of appendix prevent you from texting me back or picking up the phone?' she scolds me without even saying hi. I don't blame her. I had so much on my mind ever since we wished each other a Happy Thanksgiving ten days ago, completely forgetting that she even existed. Wow. Great friend. Go Skeeter!

'I'm sorry. I had...ugh...how do you know about my appendix?'

'Gresham told us. I had to work with Lilly all week. You owe me big time.' oh right, I told Gerard to log into my NYU account to send an email to all my professors to let them know about my surgery and resulting absence.

'Sorry. Holiday drama, the appendix drama. Long story. Is Lilly still alive or?'

'Barely. How are you? What drama? Family?' she asks as we enter the lab and take our seats.

'I'm fine. Gerard was taking care of me.' I decide that now is not the time to get into the whole story, especially because she doesn't know anything about Gerard other than that he's my boyfriend. Luckily, she gets distracted.

'Oooh I bet he was.' she wriggles her brows and I roll my eyes, holding back a smile.

'He actually moved in. It's nice.'

'Boys are messy. Beware! But speaking of which, you two got any plans for New Year's yet? Because me and some friends go to this cabin upstate every year but two of the usual group are abroad this year so I thought I'd ask you if you wanna come and bring Gerard? We leave on the 29th, come back on the 3rd. It's really nice and it won't cost you a dime. Just bring some food, some alcohol and make sure your boyfriend knows how to chop wood. I'm talking about actual wood chopping not the Urban Dictionary definition.'

'Oh I'm sure he knows how to chop wood.' I giggle. 'I'd love to come! Thanks. I'll talk to Gerard tonight but I bet he's up for it.'

'Great! I can't wait to get to know him better. He seems to be such a cutie pie. Don't worry though, my twin brother is bringing his best friend and I'll be all over that. Like every year.' her cheeks flush pink and I make a mental note to interrogate her further about her crush. For now though, the beginning of the Molecular and Cell Biology lab demands my attention.

At 4.30pm, I'm outside Gerard's Painting and Illustration classroom, waiting for him to finish. I can see him through the window but he's too concentrated to notice me watching him. His face is so close to the work in front of him that he could probably paint with the tip of his nose and like always, he's poking out his tongue. He looks a bit silly but I could stare at him for hours. Eventually he leans up, and after a few more adjustments he seems satisfied with the result. That's when he spots me and a huge smile appears on his face. I return it, before kissing the glass and then I walk away to wait for him at the stairs, thinking about what I told him yesterday morning. I'm so, so proud of him.

Notes

And I'm so so proud of myself for FINALLY finishing a new chapter. I'M SORRY for the lack of updates. I have absolutely no excuse. I just didn't feel well and the result of that was writer's block. I hope you can forgive me *praying emoji*

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this chapter. I had fun writing about Gerard and Skeeter's (relatively) normal new life together even if it's pretty uneventful haha. Let me know what you think

xo