Casting Shadows

Celebrating Thanksgiving without Skeeter is a bummer. It just doesn't feel the same. Although Tori and Christian seem to be 'okay' with our relationship; although I know they love me regardless of everything that was revealed in the last 24 hours, I'm slightly uncomfortable around them. Especially without Skeeter. I just can't help it. I know what they are thinking. I know they're uncomfortable too. They're parents as well as foster parents. They have always treated me like a son, but now that they know I'm sleeping with their daughter...well, to say that things are a little bit complicated and awkward is an understatement. As much as I try to tell myself it will change over time, I still wish I could fast-forward to a few years later. When Skeeter and I are more stable, when our relationship is more stable. Right now, with all these changes, it feels as unfamiliar and new to us as it must feel to Christian and Tori. There's no way to describe it. However, it's also nice and I feel relieved; we can finally drop the act and don't have to be scared of getting caught anymore. We don't have to hide or hold back our feelings around other people any longer and I can show Skeeter how I feel about her whenever and wherever I want without having to worry. I remember last Thanksgiving, and how different things were compared to now. I remember sitting next to Skeeter at dinner and she kept pushing my hand away as I sneakily tried to rest it on her thigh under the table. I remember how her cheeks flushed pink and all I wanted to do was kiss her; how much self-restraint it took not to jump up and proclaim my love for her to everyone present just so I could grab her and feel her lips against mine. And I remember how heavy my heart felt when I realized that I couldn't do it. I remember how we attempted to avoid each other all weekend just so nothing would happen and then my foster parents sent us to pick up some things they had forgotten to get at the grocery store and we ended up in the middle of nowhere, fucking in the car. Yeah, it was thrilling. It was hot. It was everything my horny, loved up 18-year old self could wish for. In that moment, when pleasure clouded my senses and the love I felt for her made me dizzy, it was. But as soon as I pulled up my jeans and Skeeter mumbled 'Let's go.' I was back in the park where I'd lost my virginity and back to feeling like I had done something wrong.

I wouldn't have to feel like that ever again. It would just be thrilling and hot from now on. I blush at the thought and then tell myself off in my head for having only the one thing in mind. How does that help the awkwardness? Bad enough that I have these thoughts in the presence of my foster parents but now they're probably aware of it too. Great. Luckily, Lucy interrupts.

'So we missed quite the drama yesterday, hmm?' she asks as soon as Tori and Christian are out of earshot.

'Yeah...felt like I was stuck in a bad soap opera or something. But to be honest, I'm kinda glad it happened. Not the part with Skeeter collapsing and almost dying but you know...' I sigh and take a sip of Seth's beer.

'If she hadn't though, who knows how long it would have taken for Tori to talk to you. Put everything in perspective, right? And she's fine so you can see the positive.' he says.

It's nice to have Seth and Lucy here. Since they've known about Skeeter and I for a while now, they not only understand and support me, they bring a sense of normality to it. Whereas our relationship is still a big deal for our foster parents, it isn't to them. Their presence and way of approaching the whole situation takes away some of the remaining tension and I'm eternally grateful for that. Seth has always been the one person I could talk to about Skeeter, and I know she has a confidant in Lucy.

'It's gonna be weird though. I hope I don't suck at this whole thing. I don't wanna fuck it up, especially after having to go through all this.' my concerns are much more complex than that but I'm bad at expressing it.

'Nah, you'll be fine. Stop worrying so much. You'll figure it out. And dude...now's the time to enjoy it. If you know what I'm saying.' Seth grins and winks, causing Lucy to roll her eyes and I laugh.

We finish dinner, pack up some food and drive to the hospital. Skeeter looks better, the color is back in her cheeks and she's able to get up and walk around. It makes me smile how cute she looks in the oversized hospital gown and her fluffy slippers that I brought from home. After consulting with the nurse, we have our very own small version of the Thanksgiving dinner and she is allowed to eat some mashed sweet potatoes and squash as well as a tiny bit of turkey. Tori also promises to save all the leftovers for her so we could take them back to NYC with us to eat once Skeeter doesn't have to stick to her post surgery diet anymore. Still, when I brag about having two pieces of the delicious pecan pie and then complain about feeling ill afterwards, she narrows her eyes at me before pinching my arm. I whine dramatically and move away from her, at which she cocks her head and raises her brows. And then it seems we both realize at the same time how good this feels. Being silly together, flirting, and teasing each other. I move closer again and rest my hand on her thigh, and she lets me.

*

'Oh man, I didn't realize you had so much stuff.' I exclaim as we enter the apartment.

After staying at the hospital for three days, during which Gerard and my dad moved him out of his dorm and into my place, I'm finally back home but greeted by chaos. There are boxes everywhere, most of them marked with 'comics' and 'art stuff', another big one that says 'vinyls' and then several bags and suitcases, undoubtedly filled with clothes, books, school supplies, and more.

'I took what I had left at home too. Figured...this is home now, so might as well. But I could probably get rid of some things, just need to sort through them first.' Gerard says and tries to find a path through the chaos so I can reach the couch and sit down.

'No! You don't have to get rid of things. I don't want you to. We'll find the space. We definitely need to get some more shelves and another dresser but we'll make it work. I like it. I like that all your things are here now.' I smile at him and take his hand.

I mean it. The tiny apartment will be crammed but it will be ours. Gerard's sketches and paintings will be displayed on the walls (I know he's going to protest but I will make it happen), his books and graphic novels will fill the bookshelves, his clothes will be in the closet next to mine, his Batman and Star Wars mugs will be in the cupboard (or the sink, or the bedside table) with my Disney ones. Moving in together is a big deal. It feels like a fresh start. A new chapter. We left this place agitated and prepared for the worst case scenario. And now we are back and it's like we returned to a different reality. When he looks at me, I know he feels the same way. He seems happier, excited. There's no doubt we will have to get used to all this, our changing relationship; there's no doubt that we will struggle with some of it but it won't weigh upon us as it used to. It will be easier.

'I like it too.' he says and leans in to kiss me.

I kiss him back, almost a bit too enthusiastically but I can tell he enjoys it as he smiles against my lips. Wow. The butterflies. It feels like they're tackling me all at once, a whole swarm of them. A familiar, yet overwhelming heat rushes through me and without even thinking, I intensify the kiss even more, sneaking my tongue into his mouth. I'm obsessed with how he tastes, and how he touches me, his arms curling around my waist and pulling me closer. The need for him is strong and I totally forget that I had surgery just a few days ago but as I shift to get on his lap, the sharp pain in my lower abdomen reminds me.

'Owww.' I wince, squirming.

'Shit. Skeeter? Are you okay? I'm sorry...' Gerard grabs my hand, sounding concerned.

I take a few deep breaths and the pain subsides, and I'm able to sit up straight again. 'Ugh. It's not your fault, baby. I should have been more cautious.'

'You should get back into bed. Rest a few more days, like the doc said.' he gets up and offers me a hand which I take to pull myself up as well.

The idea of staying in bed for a couple of days should make me happy for various reasons but I know that Gerard won't touch me, knowing I have to take it 'easy'. To be honest, while being confined to the hospital bed, all I could think of was getting it on with him, now that we've resolved the biggest issue in our relationship. I even asked the nurse how long I'd have to wait before I could 'do it' again. She was only a few years older than me and always left the room wriggling her brows whenever Gerard came to visit, so I had no problem talking to her. But as long as there is pain and I'm still healing, we just can't take the risk. It's kind of funny. Just four days ago when we went home for Thanksgiving, I worried about my parents never talking to us again, my parents disowning Gerard, Gerard and I breaking up because we just couldn't handle the situation any longer. Now I worry about when I can finally jump his bones again. My priorities have clearly changed. And I'm completely fine with that. That's how it's supposed to be. We're 19. We're in love. We've waited so long to have the freedom to be with each other, and now that we have it...we have to wait a bit longer because of my damn appendix.

'What?' Gerard asks when I shake my head as he leads me into the bedroom and over to the bed where he lifts the covers so I can get in.

'Well...you know.' I say and he sticks out his bottom lip, knowing exactly what I'm trying to say.

'We'll have the best cuddle, how about that?' he lies down next to me and pulls me against him.

I almost complain because the sensation of his body so close to mine is not actually helping my sexual frustration. But I can't. Not when I realize that he needs this even more than I do. It's been a crazy Thanksgiving. I'm aware of how difficult this was for him and how scared he was when I passed out at the dinner table. Weirdly enough, I think it was the first time he truly had to worry about me. Usually it's the other way around. Usually I'm the one who has to endure sleepless nights because of him, concerned that something happened to him or that he could hurt himself, wondering where he is, in pain because I know he is. Of course I know that he doesn't do it on purpose, that he doesn't do it to upset me. But it does. And I hope that maybe, now that he knows, now that he felt the panic and fear of potentially losing me, he will at least consider it before disappearing. I want to ask him not to leave me again but I know I can't. Instead, I breathe in his clean, comforting scent and try to relax in his arms; he's here and everything's fine. Right now, everything's fine. I have to get into the habit of enjoying the happy moments and not foresee any difficulties we might have to overcome in the future. Because we will overcome them. After this, we can overcome anything.

'I love you.' I whisper, meaning it with every fibre of my being.

His hug tightens but stays gentle and I wrap my arms around his neck, not able to resist the urge to play with his hair. I know he likes it when I do that just as much as I like doing it.

'I love you.' he sighs, burying his face in the crook of my neck.

Yes. This is home now.

Notes

Sorry (not sorry) about the fluff. You know I love the fluff. You better get used to it because there will be a lot more fluff. I do think they deserve it after having such a hard time, don't you agree?
Also sorry (actually really sorry) about the lack of update last weekend. I was super busy. To be honest I didn't think I would update this weekend either but then I started writing and finished the chapter. So I'm very happy about that! Hope you are too :)

Lemme know what you think.
Have a super duper weekend xo