Casting Shadows

I exit the recovery room and head back towards the waiting area. Although I'm happy Skeeter is fine and I was able to see her briefly, I know for sure that dismissing her mother and requesting to see me didn't help the tension between Tori and I. However, it might make her see more clearly, it might show her how important we are to each other, and that her reservations are not only needless but also won't change a thing. Just like Skeeter said back at the house when we were sitting outside on the swings, she has my back. I hate the thought of driving my foster mom into a corner but I also won't give up my relationship with Skeeter. She will have to deal with it. And now she knows it, too.

'Can I have the car keys, Christian? I'm gonna pick up some stuff for Skeeter and check in on Akira.' I ask after updating them on Skeeter's condition.

'Sure.' he says with a gentle smile and digs into the pocket of his jacket before handing me the keys.

'I'll come with you.' Tori says to my surprise and I can literally feel the color disappearing from my face. An awkward drive with her is just what I need right now. Yeah. Great.

I nod, wave to Christian, and Tori and I leave. The walk to the elevator is already too much for me. Do I make smalltalk? Or do I remain silent? It's funny, a few hours ago, I wanted nothing more than to talk to her but now I'm scared to hear what she has to say. Scared to hear the things I don't want to hear. What is she thinking about? Does she have images of Skeeter and I in her head? Images that she doesn't want to have? Is she wondering when it all started? Is she thinking about all the weekends her and Christian went away and is she asking herself whether or not I fucked her daughter on those weekends? Does she regret leaving me alone with her? Does she regret taking me in? Does she blame herself? Does she think 'I should have known he's indecent.'?

We reach the car and I hand her the keys without a word, then walk over to the passenger side. It'll take us about 15 minutes to get home and I already know that it will feel like 15 hours. As soon as we pull out of the parking lot, I press the button to turn the radio on, only for her to turn it right off again.

'Gerard...' she sighs and the lump in my throat doubles in size.

I don't dare to look at her as she seems to collect her thoughts before she speaks again. Can I just disappear? Vanish into thin air? Right now I know why invisibility has always been my favorite superpower.

'I'm sorry.' she then says, confusing the shit out of me. 'I'm sorry I didn't talk to you. And I'm sorry I tried to keep you from seeing Skeeter. I...I don't know why I did it.'

She hesitates once more, taking deep breaths, almost like I do when I try to keep myself from having a panic attack. Should I tell her it's alright? Is it? Even though I was angry with her just a few moments ago, I now feel kind of sorry for her. Was it shitty of me to expect her to handle the situation differently? Tori is probably just as confused as I am. I decide it's best if I let her finish without interrupting.

'I guess I was in shock. I guess I'm still in shock. Not because of...not because of what you told me earlier but because I realized that my behavior...my refusal to see it, to admit to myself that you...' she leaves out the definition of what Skeeter and I are, she's still not able to admit it. 'My behavior caused you grief. All these years I knew it was there. Between you and her. I knew it. But I refused to acknowledge it. I thought, maybe once you're older, once you both have your own lives, I would be able to. I was waiting, hoping you'd come and tell me because I was selfish enough to think that if you did, I wouldn't have to take responsibility for ignoring it. I thought I could clap my hands and say 'Oh I'm so happy for you!'. But I underestimated just how much I refused the reality of it. I was still hoping, wishing...that perhaps I was wrong.'

Wow. Wow. Fuck. I swallow hard and stare out the window, not even seeing anything that's passing by. What the hell did she just tell me? What do I make of it? Is this a good thing? For some reason it doesn't feel so good. After all she ended her speech with 'I was still hoping I was wrong'.

'Because I'm bad for her?' I blurt out, finally looking at her. She's crying. And at my question, she presses her lips together, shaking her head.

'No. No Gerard, not because you're bad for her. Because...it confirmed the mistakes I made. As a mother. As a foster parent. Even as a psychologist. It confirmed that I did indeed make your lives...your relationship...more difficult. I was finally forced to admit it all. Admit that I was responsible.'

We had already arrived at home and although Tori turns off the ignition, neither of us moves to get out of the car. Her confession astounds me. Never in a million years would I have considered that she feels like that. Responsible for letting it happen or not stopping it, yes, not responsible for not acknowledging and therefore not putting our confused teenage minds at ease earlier.

'I looked at you, I saw how burdensome it was for you. I could tell how scared you were of losing us, of being rejected. The fact that you must have felt like that for years when I could have simply talked to you and told you that it was okay...I locked myself into the bedroom because I couldn't bare how guilty I felt. And I was so ashamed that the only solution I could come up with was to continue to ignore it. I'm so, so sorry, Gerard.' she sobs and I take her hand without even thinking about it.

I understand. I completely understand. To a certain extent, it all makes sense now. To a certain extent, I also feel relieved.

'You're the only mother I ever had. And I couldn't have asked for a better one. Please don't think that you are a failure. You're not. I'm so lucky to have you.' I don't really know what to say but I hate seeing her cry and blame herself like that. Probably just as much as she hated seeing me do the same thing. 'I love you.'

She looks at me and reaches out to touch my cheek. I know she knows that I forgive her. It's a weird and confusing feeling, since all this time, I was the one hoping for her forgiveness.

'I love you too.' Tori says and we hug each other.

*

'Are you warm enough, honey?' my dad asks and carefully tucks me in. I've been moved to a normal room which I thankfully have to myself and he is fussing, trying to make sure I'm as comfortable as possible.

'I'm fine, daddy. Thanks.' I say and give him a weak smile.

I'm still very tired but I know that Gerard and my mom are on their way back, so I don't want to close my eyes just yet. When my dad told me that they had left together, it worried me at first, but he assured me that she went with him to fix the situation, not make it worse. Although I don't know what that entails, the conversation with him soothed my nerves.

'Your mother and I love Gerard very much. He's part of this family. Nothing could ever change that. We want you both to be happy, and if you're happy with each other then we just have to get used to it. It will be a bit strange at first...I'm pretty sure it'll take a while but we'll try our best not to make it too difficult for you two.' he said and I nearly burst out in tears. That's all I wanted to hear.

I don't expect them to buy us couple's massages for Christmas or gush over how cute we are together when we kiss, all I need from them is to be accepting and supportive.

About 20 minutes later, Gerard and my mom enter my room, both with smiles on their faces. Gerard comes running over to me like an excited little boy but slows himself down as he approaches my bed, catching his breath. His cheeks are red and there are melting snowflakes in his shaggy black hair and he looks so gorgeous that I can feel my heartbeat getting faster. Luckily I'm not attached to the monitor any longer because the peeping might have alerted the nurse and alarmed my parents. I look up at him, dying to kiss him, even though we're not alone. It might be a little too soon to kiss in front of my mom and dad but I'm glad he does it anyway. His lips and skin are icy against mine but warm up instantly. I free myself from the blanket and wrap one arm around his neck, pulling him a little closer to me.

'Everything's okay.' he whispers against my lips and I look behind him, only to find that my parents have left the room, probably to give us some privacy.

'Everything's okay?' I repeat questioningly. 'She talked to you?'

Gerard gives me a summary of what happened and I let out a sigh of relief. I can't believe that my mom felt guilty too, knowing she made us feel guilty. It would have been easy to accuse her of waiting too long to talk to us but I get it. She was afraid, just like Gerard and I had been afraid, just for slightly different reasons. It was the reality of it. The fact that everything would change once it was official. Not only for us, but for us as a family. Thinking about the endless late-night talks we had, it becomes obvious. I said it myself so many times.

Once we tell them, we can finally be a real couple.

A real couple. In a real relationship. Something completely new and unfamiliar. Something we have no clue about. Because frankly, up until now, we only ever played house. As good as it felt, it never came without the guilt and shame, it never came without the feeling of doing something forbidden. We never completely forgot, no matter how drunk we were, no matter how passionately we made love, no matter how much we enjoyed sneaking around stealing kisses from each other. In the back of our minds, there it was. The knowledge that it wasn't real because it wasn't right.

Once we tell them, this will feel more normal.

It already feels more normal. The realization hits me as Gerard carefully rests his head on our entwined hands, looking at me with a smile. My boyfriend. Not 'my foster brother who I'm fooling around with although I shouldn't'. My boyfriend. The boy I love. The boy who loves me. We can be together. It's both exciting and scary. What's gonna happen now? Is it going to be the best experience ever or will it be difficult to adjust? What if we only work when we don't work? What if we can't do normal and real? What if the only reason why it was so thrilling, so intense, was because it felt forbidden? I guess we have to find out.

'The doctor said you don't have to stay in here for long. Maybe two or three days. Christian will help me pack up my stuff at the dorm and move it to your apartment while you're in here. You still want me to move in, right?' he asks, sounding exhilarated.

'Of course I do.' I say, my index finger stroking along his jaw.

'Good. I can be your nurse then.'

'Are you gonna wear a sexy outfit?' I smirk and he giggles.

'Mayyyybe.'

His happiness warms my heart. The fact that we can put today's drama behind us and make silly, lovey-dovey jokes; the fact that I can literally see just how much weight has been lifted off his shoulders while feeling the relief of getting rid of my own; the way he looks at me with his big hazel eyes that hold a spark that I haven't seen in a very long time; it gives me hope. We are going to be alright.

Notes

Thanks as always for reading :) I hope you liked this chapter
I don't know if I'll be able to update next week since I'll be really busy. But I'm gonna try my best

xox