Casting Shadows

I'm walking up and down the corridor, ignoring the nurses and doctors that are rushing by. My helplessness is agonizing, I wish I could do something, anything. But I'm trapped here, I'm forced to wait in uncertainty until the surgeon exits the OR and updates us on her condition. I took another Xanax on our way here, and thankfully it has already slowed down my brain enough to keep a panic attack at bay. Still, it can't erase my anxiety completely. Nothing can. I have to see Skeeter with my own eyes to make sure she'll be okay.

Everything happened so fast. Luckily I caught her before she hit the floor. Tori let out a shocked scream and Christian leaped up from his chair, shouting her name. I held her in my arms as he patted her cheeks in order to wake her up but she didn't react. Her face looked ghostly, her skin almost translucent, that's how pale she was. I honestly thought she was dead. I started crying. Christian took her from me and carried her over to the couch; I immediately followed, mumbling 'What's going on? What's wrong with her?' over and over again. Tori called the ambulance while I kissed Skeeter's hand as I was holding it, hoping it would somehow help her regain consciousness. Instead, she threw up, and Christian had to gently push me out of the way so he could turn her onto her side and empty her mouth before she could choke on her vomit. Then, after what felt like hours, the paramedics finally arrived.

Now we're at the hospital. Skeeter has been in surgery for about an hour. Acute appendicitis. They had to operate straight away since it was about to rupture. And then she could have died. I don't want to think about it but obviously, right now, it's forcing itself on my mind. Although the diagnosis isn't as dramatic and the prognosis is good, I'm shaken up by what happened in the last couple of hours. Weirdly enough, it makes everything else seem so irrelevant. The situation with my foster mom doesn't matter at the moment, I'm not worried about anything other than Skeeter. Whether Christian and Tori will be alright with our relationship doesn't concern me, I just want her to be okay. They're just sitting there, concerned but not nearly as distressed as I am. Christian keeps telling me it's a routine procedure with minimal risk of complications. He keeps telling me that if she had fallen, her inflamed appendix might have ruptured, so in a way, I saved her. That's probably bullshit but he's trying to make me feel better and I'm grateful for that. Tori still hasn't said a word to me, however she did stop my pacing in the hallway by putting her hand on my shoulder before leading me back into the waiting room. Every once in a while our eyes meet and she smiles faintly but looks away before I can reciprocate it. I don't know what to say either since Skeeter is occupying my mind.

Why hadn't I been able to help her? I should have taken it more seriously when she complained about feeling sick and having stomach pains. But I honestly thought that it was simply the stress the whole situation with Christian and Tori had caused. Just like my panic attacks. However, while I had successfully avoided the matter pretty much until today by shutting myself off and partying excessively, Skeeter had been all alone with her worries ever since we had decided to talk to them. And even though the anxiety took hold of me in the last few days, finally reaching its peak today, it must have been making her sick for weeks. What if that made her condition worse? What if it was my fault? If I had just been there for her more instead of being a selfish asshole, maybe I could have prevented this. Maybe Tori knows how selfish I am and maybe that's why she doesn't approve of our relationship? Maybe she can see right through me, knowing that I'm not good enough for her daughter. I mean, hey, even now it's about me, right? Ugh, I'm disgusting. I'm...

No. Don't go there, Gerard. Not now. It's your panicky brain trying to fuck things up again. Don't let it happen.

I'm tempted to take yet another pill but just as I reach into my pocket, the doctor steps into the waiting room.

'The surgery went well. No complications whatsoever. She's in recovery now, waking up from the anesthesia.'

'Can we see her?' Tori asks, getting up.

'Just one of you for now.' the doctor nods and before I can say anything, Tori leaves the room with him.

I look at Christian and I know he can tell how devastated I am. I feel like crying again but swallow my tears. She's okay, that's the most important thing. Once she's out of recovery, I'll be able to see her. Still, the fact that Tori didn't even hesitate and ask whether I wanted to go, the fact that she didn't even consider it, it feels like a stab in the heart. Sure, she's her mother but I was close to a nervous breakdown for pretty much the whole afternoon, at one point even one of the nurses was concerned about me. I should have gone to see Skeeter. Tori knows it, Christian knows it, everyone here knows it. Yet I'm left behind, feeling as though I'm not good enough once again.

*

My eyes feel heavy as I open them but I know I have to open them. I've been hearing the voices telling me to do it for the past ten minutes or so but I just couldn't resist the comforting darkness, especially because I knew the harsh bright light penetrating my eyelids was waiting for me. When I finally blink, it seems like all my senses come back to life, one after another, as if I flipped a switch. The first thing I see is my mother's face and she smiles at me. I can feel her hand holding mine and I squeeze it. I smell disinfectant, a typical hospital scent but about ten times more intense. My mouth and tongue feel swollen and a stale, metallic taste is lingering there. In an attempt to get rid of it, I suck in my cheeks and swallow a couple of times. Somehow that makes it worse though.

'There she is! Good morning.' a nurse appears on the other side of my bed and it's only now that I realize that I really am in a hospital. 'Any pain or discomfort Miss Sloan?'

I shake my head and look down to see an IV coming out of my arm. I follow the line to the bag that is hanging above my head. There's more wires attached to my chest and an annoying tube stuck in my nose. Wow, I had surgery?! Oh right. My appendix.

Slowly but surely everything comes back to me. The conversation with Gerard, the scene in the kitchen, my outburst at the table, Gerard taking my hand. The sudden pain and nausea I felt and then...nothing for a while. I vaguely remember arriving at the hospital and being poked with needles and examined, then wheeled around; elevators, corridors, all accompanied by peeping sounds. Doctors talking to me, to my parents, requesting this and that from nurses or other doctors. Someone taking off my clothes and draping a thin blue sheet over my body. I remember being cold. And then someone put an oxygen mask over my mouth and nose and told me to count backwards from ten.

'How are you feeling, honey?' my mom asks while the nurse checks the monitors next to me.

'Okay.' my throat feels like sandpaper and my voice sounds like that of a mouse. If mice could talk, that is.

I notice no one else came in the room with her. How come Gerard isn't here? Not that I don't appreciate my mother being here but he's who I really want to see. In the midst of all the pain and ensuing panic, hearing his voice and feeling him hold my hand made everything a little less scary.

'W-where's...Gerard?' I croak.

'He'll come and see you soon. There's only one person allowed in here but once they moved you to your room-'

'I wanna see him now.' I say and watch her face fall.

Maybe she thinks I forgot about her weird behavior earlier on. Or that I'm too groggy to realize what she's doing. But I haven't. And I'm not. Gerard should be in here with me, I'm sure he was worried sick. So why isn't he? Is she trying to keep him away from me? Because I know him and I know he would have wanted to see me right away. She looks at the nurse as if she expects her to intervene and back her up but the opposite happens.

'If she wants to see him, he should come in. It's important for her to see someone who makes her feel calm. She's stable and there are no other patients in here. So it's fine.'

My mom clenches her jaw in order to hide her disappointment. What's the matter with her? How come she doesn't want me to see him? Or is it the fact that I rather see him than her? That shouldn't surprise her. Even if things were fine and dandy between us, he'd still be the one person that I want by my side. And she would have gladly sent him in. Why is she acting like this? Is she really so against our relationship?

'I'll get him.' my mom says and kisses my forehead, then leaves the room. The nurse smiles at me and I mutter a 'Thank you'.

I close my eyes for what feels like only a second or two but when I open them again, Gerard is already here. He was crying, I can tell. Did my mom say something to upset him? Or was he simply crying because of me? I want to reach out and touch his face but I can't lift my arm so instead, I smile at him before puckering my lips. His eyes water again but he let's out a delighted giggle and leans down to kiss me. It feels heavenly. It makes me want to pull him down on top of me and wrap my arms around him as tightly as I can. That wouldn't be a wise thing to do though, considering I just had surgery, so for now, a kiss is all I can manage.

'I'm...so happy...you're here.'

'You okay?' he asks, stroking my hair.

'Ya.' I want to say more, I want to ask him what happened with my parents, I want to let him know he doesn't have to be worried, however, it's exhausting to talk and all I really want to do is go back to sleep. But I love seeing his beautiful face too much, so I force myself to keep my eyes open.

'You have to...you have to...' I forget what I'm trying to say for a second. '....feed Akira.'

'I can go home and feed her and then come back?' he suggests and I just nod since I'm already drifting off.

'Skeeter? Try to stay awake for me.' I can hear the nurse say and my eyes flutter open.

Gerard is gone. I must have been asleep again.

Notes

I know some of you thought that Skeeter is pregnant so....SORRY if you're disappointed now! haha hope you still liked this chapter :) <3 have a good weekend!