Casting Shadows

I wake up in an empty bed. Skeeter's bed though, so it's not as disappointing as waking up in my own. Actually, it's quite comforting in these first few seconds before I remember what we have to do today. The smell of her shampoo and shower gel in the air tells me that it's time for me to get up as well. That I don't get to enjoy this moment. There's a faint throbbing in my head, reminding me of the alcohol I consumed last night. Not as much as I would have if I had been out on my own but still enough to make me wish I hadn't. After stretching thoroughly and making all the necessary corresponding noises, I collect my shirt and underwear from the floor before putting them on and getting up. I rub the remaining sleep out of my eyes and wander into the kitchen where Skeeter is waiting for the bagel to pop out of the toaster. She's only wearing a towel, her hair is a wet mess, and I think about what she said last night. That once we told Christian and Tori, we could finally be a real couple. Boyfriend and girlfriend, officially. That it would change things for the better because we could stop worrying. We wouldn't have to keep secrets any longer. And then we could finally enjoy this, every day.

'You sleep well?' she asks, turning around. I know she can tell I was staring. And now she is.

'Okay, I guess. You?' I say, grabbing a mug and pouring coffee.

'Umm. Same.'

This forced smalltalk is uncomfortable and despite tearing off each other's clothes upon returning home after the party, there's still a bit of tension between us. It's not surprising, we know that sex is just a quick fix. Although a very lovely quick fix, it only makes us feel better temporarily. We always argue and make up, we've done it so many times ever since we were kids that I start worrying whenever we don't argue for a while. That's where the problem lies. Over the years we've gotten so used to it that we've stopped looking for an actual solution and now I'm not even sure if there is one. Another reason for the tension is of course the fact that in about an hour we will be on our way back to New Jersey to spend Thanksgiving with our family. Which means that by the end of this weekend, they will know about Skeeter and I. Yes, I want to tell them. I'd wanted to tell them for ages. But that doesn't change anything about the increasing panic I can feel, the doubt, the regret. What if I end up losing the only family I ever had? What if they just can't accept it? What then? I take a deep breath in an attempt to get rid of the building anxiety.

'Hey...' Skeeter takes the mug from my hands and sets it aside. She hugs me, her fingers softly stroking the nape of my neck. 'I'm nervous too. But it's gonna be okay. I know it. And then this will feel more normal.'

I don't say anything but hug her back. Yes, normal. Normal would be nice for a change.

We finish our breakfast, I shower and shave while Skeeter gets ready herself. For a moment I think about locking myself in the bathroom. The fire escape seems like a good option too. However, it's best if we get this over with. The fear makes things worse. As I step out of the bathroom, Skeeter hands me a clean, freshly ironed, black shirt, since the ones I packed are completely rumpled, then rushes off to put Akira in her little transport box. I get slightly distracted watching her until I realize that I'm still standing there in just my underwear while she is almost ready to go.
The train ride feels longer than it actually is but essentially, not long enough. I hold her hand and her head is resting on my shoulder; Akira is on her lap, poking her little nose through one of the holes on the side of the carrier and I tickle her with my finger. There's an elderly lady sitting across from us and she smiles at us in the same way she probably smiles at giggling toddlers and the stray cats she feeds. She thinks we're cute and full of life, with nothing to worry about because we live inside a bubble. It brings back memories from when she was young and in love, it makes her feel nostalgic. I'm tempted to either start making out with Skeeter in a very obscene way in order to shock the old lady, or move away from her to leave her questioning her assessment. If we really lived inside a bubble, I wouldn't even be aware of her watching us but I am because I'm anxious, because the bubble only exists in Skeeter's bedroom, mostly. I neither kiss her nor move away and the woman gets off the train at the next stop, giving us another sweet smile. And now I'm the one questioning everything. This is the worst feeling ever.

Christian picks us up from the station. He seems excited to see us, and I force myself to engage in the conversation he starts by asking about college and the city.

'Mom is cooking up a feast for tomorrow. You won't be able to eat for a week.'

'You underestimate my metabolism. And my greediness.' Skeeter says and I silently agree. She's tiny, but she has an appetite!

'So when are we gonna do it?' I whisper as we walk up the driveway to the house ten minutes later.

'I don't know. But I wanna do it before Seth and Lucy arrive.'

'Today then?'

'Yes. As soon as possible.' her voice is shaking.

When we talked about it back in NYC, I told her I'd rather wait until after our Thanksgiving dinner because I'm scared of ruining the whole weekend. But I agree with her, we have to do it before then. Now that we're here, I am sick to my stomach and I want to get rid of this feeling immediately. No more putting it off, no more running away from it. Plus, if things go wrong, if I need to leave, I still can. Skeeter would come with me, I know she would choose me over her parents and while this should make me feel better, it doesn't. I hope it doesn't come to this but I simply don't know. I like to be prepared for the worst case scenario while hoping for the best.

My foster mom welcomes me with open arms. She embraces me, gives me a squeeze, then examines my face and tells me I look too pale and too skinny. I'm used to her mild reproach because I can see the love in her eyes; she means well, she cares. After today, she's most likely never gonna look at me the same way, and I'm scared, so fucking scared. If only Skeeter's love was the only love I needed and wanted, if only it was the only love that mattered. But it's not like that. Skeeter's love is certain, yet I still feel like I have to earn Christian and Tori's. What if I lose all right to it once they know the truth? Not because they decide that I'm not worthy of it anymore but because I do? Or because I already have?

*

I can't really focus on anything that's going on because I keep trying to look for a good moment to blurt it out. HEY MOM AND DAD, GERARD AND I ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP. Just like that. Not really, although I wish I could. I wish I had the guts to do it, and not only that, but also have the ability to shrug off any possible reaction from them.

So what, it happens. What did you expect? Take in a boy my age, encourage us to bond. He's cute, I'm cute, we spend all that time together? Really? REALLY? It was meant to happen. It was meant to be. Accept it! Actually, you should be happy for us. Because, you know, we're good for each other. Things are complicated but I love him with all my heart and soul, don't you want that for him? To have love like that? And don't you want the same thing for me? So yes, accept it! Be happy for us!

I remain silent, feeling like a coward. The truth is, I don't think I could handle it if they didn't accept it. It would confirm that we were in fact doing something wrong after all.

My mom keeps telling me about her new recipe for the stuffing and how she's gonna teach me how to make the perfect Thanksgiving dinner. She does that every year. And she never teaches me because she stresses out too much and then I end up being in the way, and she kicks me out of the kitchen. Right now though, we're all still allowed to be there and she is acting as if we just returned from war. We visit quite frequently, sometimes just one of us, sometimes together but she always does it. I get it. She's proud of us. Four kids, three of them foster kids, and all of them in college or already graduated from college. My parents did a great job. They're still doing a great job. I wonder if they will be disappointed once we tell them. If they consider it a failure, something they should have prevented. It's hard to tell. As loving and understanding as they are, I can't predict their reaction. I feel Gerard's hand brushing lightly against mine, behind the counter and out of my parents' sight, and it makes me snap out of it. Our eyes meet and I know he's scared, yet I can tell he wants this to be over just as much as I do. There really is no point in speculating anyway, especially since we have speculated about it for the last seven years. The time has come to find out.

'So how are things at the dorm, Gerard? A little better?' my mom wants to know.

'Umm...well...' he starts but I interrupt, taking advantage of the opportunity.

'Actually, he's thinking about moving in with me.' I say, almost losing my voice. I expect awkward silence or confused looks but the only one who looks at me is Gerard, and he's visibly uncomfortable.

'But honey, you'd need to look for a bigger place. Which is a lot more expensive. I don't think your scholarship would cover that, right Gerard?' she asks.

'No...he would move into my apartment.' I reply. Now she looks confused!

'But there's no room in your apartment. Where would he sleep? On that tiny couch? On the floor?'

'No...he would-.'

'Don't be silly, he needs his own room, his own bed.' she interrupts.

'He doesn't.' I say.

'I don't.' Gerard says at the same time.

This is painful. Excruciatingly painful, actually. I just want to shrivel up. Disappear, with Gerard, and live in an alternate universe or something. I wish I hadn't said anything at all because now we're just pussyfooting around and it's even more difficult to get to the point. My dad looks at us and I know he has already figured it out. Actually, he doesn't even look surprised. My mom on the other hand, looks annoyed. Almost as though she doesn't want to get it. She's in denial and I haven't even said it yet. But I have to. Now. There's no turning back.

'We'd share my bed...' my voice is so low, I'm not sure she heard me. It's all I can manage though.

'Skeeter and I, we're together.' Gerard mutters then and grabs my hand tightly.

I hold my breath and brace myself for more questions; I expect her to ask him what he means by that. I expect her to ask if this is a bad joke. I even prepare to be yelled at although my parents never yell. Thankfully, we're spared. However, my mom just stares at us, not exactly in shock but in disbelief, still with a hint of confusion. She opens her mouth to speak but closes it again before putting down the dishtowel she was holding and leaving the room. No one stops her. Not even my dad. He knows better. I swallow hard and look at Gerard, who's frowning. Oddly enough, I already feel a bit of relief, just because the truth is finally out. However, my mom's reaction also worries me. I've never seen her walk away from a situation that needed to be dealt with. She's the kind of person who confronts things head-on, so for her to just leave like that can only mean that she refuses to deal with it. At least right now.

'I think...I think she needs...a minute.' my dad seems flustered too, overwhelmed by the fact that she left him to handle the situation.

'You knew, didn't you?' I ask him.

'Well I...had a hunch. Umm...I'm gonna talk to her.' yes, it's pretty obvious that he has no idea what to say either.

'No, I should.' Gerard stops him. I want to go with him but he shakes his head.

Then I'm alone in the kitchen with my dad and I can tell he's nervous for us. I thought he would have questions but now I have them. He knew? But mom didn't? Why didn't he talk to us? Reassure us? Because he couldn't? Why?

'When you were around 11, I had this conversation with Gerard. He was upset because you had fought about something silly, and I explained to him that it was normal. That brothers and sisters fought, that all siblings fought, that he shouldn't worry about it because it wouldn't change anything. That you loved him no matter what. And I remember how distraught he looked.' my father pauses, shaking his head with a sigh. 'I didn't understand at first because I tried to console him and it seemed to have the opposite effect. It took me a while to figure out why. I wasn't 100% sure and I thought maybe it was just a phase. I thought I was in love with my teacher when I was that age. Growing up is confusing. So I didn't take it too seriously. I was so sure that your mother and I would have noticed if there really was something going on.'

So it's probably best if I don't tell him we pretty much started kissing each other just a few months later? I have to ask the obvious question though.

'Are you upset with us?' I sound like a little girl.

'You can't help the way you feel.' he just says, answering my question by not answering it. My heart sinks.

Then Gerard returns to the kitchen. 'She won't talk to me.' I can tell he's close to tears, the look on his face breaks my heart. And despite my dad's presence, I put my arms around him and kiss him softly.

Notes

Thanks for reading, guys! As always, I would love to hear your thoughts :) xo