Casting Shadows

Skeeter is sitting by the window, the last rays of sunshine illuminating her hair through the glass. It kind of looks like she has a halo. I'm staring at her from across the room, nervously tapping my foot, waiting for her to acknowledge my presence. Yet she keeps pretending to focus on her 'Parasitology for Veterinarians' book. I can't imagine it's particularly interesting but she seems engrossed in it. Anything to avoid talking to me, I guess. Not that I blame her. I fucked up. Again. And while she let me into her apartment without hesitation when I showed up here last night, at around 3am, her silent treatment is proof that she's upset and angry with me. I know her too well, probably better than I know myself.

'Can we talk?' I ask. No reply. She doesn't even look at me. 'Skeeter?'

She turns the page, her highlighter pen hovering over the words as she reads them. Is she even reading them?

'Skeeter, please?'

'Dirofilaria immitis.' she mumbles, highlighting something in the book.

'Excuse me?'

'Dirofilaria immitis. Heartworm. That's what you are, Gerard. You're a heartworm.' she says almost as though she's talking to herself.

'Really? Wow, very mature, Skee. I didn't think puberty was still a thing at 19. Guess I was wrong.'

Success! That gets her attention. She closes the book and finally looks at me with narrowed eyes. Not that I wanted to make her angry, I just wanted some reaction. And now I have it.

'You wanna go there? Because you know, I didn't think premature ejaculation was still a thing at 19 either but I guess I was wrong too.' she sneers and I feel my cheeks turning red.

'I was drunk! What's your excuse?'

'The fact that you're acting like a jerk.' Skeeter retaliates and I know I lost the argument.

As always, our childish banter deflects from the actual issue. I hadn't called or texted her in almost two weeks. I hadn't visited Christian and Tori with her, although we agreed to tell them this past weekend. No, instead of keeping my promise, I had decided to avoid reality, had neglected her, had neglected college, not thinking about the consequences. Until last night. When my drunkenness had made me brave enough to finally face her. Sometimes, everything becomes too much for me to handle. I don't like it but I can't help myself. I just shut myself away. I stop caring about myself, about how I make Skeeter and my family feel, I don't care if I miss lectures and deadlines. I take too many of my prescription pills and I space out or sleep for days. I go on benders with strangers and end up sleeping on dirty floors or the backseat of a car or a bench at some train station. I forget who I am and it feels nice. But I also forget Skeeter. Once I return to reality, I'm left to deal with the mess I created. Then it leads to this. Another argument with Skeeter that we deny to acknowledge as such, after another sleepless night of apologetic kisses.

We both thought things would get easier once we moved out and started college. Having anticipated independence and freedom ever since we had developed feelings for each other, we expected it to be a glorious experience, giving us the chance to be a real couple like we always wanted. Looking back, I think we tried too hard. That's why it also worked for some time. Yes, for a few months, we had the perfect relationship. But now, over a year later, it seems as though things are even more difficult. Perhaps this is just how it's supposed to be like, perhaps it's just 'us'. Perhaps part of growing up and becoming an adult is to learn how to deal with it. But we haven't figured it out yet.

'I'm sorry.' I sigh, looking bashfully at the ground.

She comes over to me and sits on the arm of the chair and I feel her running her hand through my hair. It's a gentle, soothing gesture, and I know she has forgiven me. At times I wish she wouldn't but she always does. I look up again and Skeeter leans down to kiss me. Our kisses have become more intimate, they feel like an ancient ritual now. That's what makes kissing her so special. Whether it's playful, passionate, longing, desperate, consoling, or forgiving; it feels like it's the most natural thing to do, every time. And it fulfills its purpose. Immediately, I'm overcome with relief, as though a heavy weight is lifted off my chest. My arms wrap around her waist and I pull her onto my lap where she snuggles up to me.

'Just tell me, okay? Next time you feel like disappearing, just tell me, let me know you're alright...I can handle it, as long as I know.' she says and I nod, hoping I can keep my word.

'I will try. And I will make it up to you. I didn't mean to upset you.'

'I know.'

She's too understanding and sometimes I hate her for it. It's something I've been trying to stop myself from feeling for a long time, yet it seems I'm not making any progress. Maybe I should see a therapist again. It's been a while. I stopped going when I started remembering things that I didn't want to remember. Things that I hadn't been aware of until then. As if there isn't enough already. The repressed memories are repressed for a reason and should be left alone. That's what I told my therapist the last time I saw him.

*

He wants me to be angry with him. I can tell. But I can't. The truth is, he could be a supervillain and I would still have his back. He could be Loki of Asgard, battling with all the earth's heroes, destroying everything that stands in his way, and I would jump in front of him to protect him from Thor. Which is a big deal since Thor is my favorite.

Gerard is not a villain though. I forgive him because I'm aware of his flaws, I know how difficult it is for him to be who he is. I can't help him change that, so I try to be understanding. For both our sakes. After all, there's still hope that one day, it will be less difficult. That's also why I want to tell my parents about us. If we could just be honest with them, it would also allow us to be more honest with ourselves. We wouldn't have to pretend anymore. We could get rid of the last bit of guilt we are still carrying. And in addition to that, mom and dad would finally stop interrogating us about our love lives.

I'm just as anxious as Gerard about it. Every time I think of the conversation and possible outcomes, my stomach twists into a painful knot. That's exactly why I want to talk to them though. To get rid of that feeling, to deal with of one of the biggest issues we have and make our relationship a whole lot easier. It's Thanksgiving this upcoming weekend. The last thing I wanted was to deal with it on this special holiday but since Gerard was gone, we have no choice but to drop the bomb on Turkey Day.

'We don't have to though.' he says and I roll my eyes at him.

'And save it for Christmas? No, G. We do have to. Plus, you can finally move out of your dorm and in with me. Unless you don't want to anymore?'

'Sure I do.'

'Then let's just get it over with.'

He takes a deep breath but nods and I get up to give Akira her food. Akira is my hedgehog. I found her in the park a few weeks ago, after she had been rejected by her mother, and of course I had to take her home with me. After having her looked at by a vet at NYU, where I'm studying to become a vet myself, I volunteered to take care of her. Gerard named her, after his favorite manga series. She's past the critical stage and I don't have to feed her her milk with the pipette anymore but she still needs her meals every couple of hours. It was only a matter of time before I turned my tiny, one bedroom apartment into an animal orphanage and thank God, I don't have a landlord to deal with since I'm renting my aunt and uncle's 'summer home' which they only use for a few weeks in August. It's saving me a lot of money and it's close to the university. Gerard still lives in his dorm room since his scholarship also covers living expenses but he doesn't like it there. He tried for the entire first year without complaining and even gave it another chance this year. I can tell he wants to get out though, and although I encouraged him to stay I have to admit that it would be nice to have him live with me. Maybe it would help him? We would be with each other, we would be a real couple with a home. We could get up in the mornings and spend time together before our lectures, then cook meals in the evenings and study on weekends. Sure, he is already spending a lot of time at my place but I want it to be our place. I don't like it when he leaves to go back to his dorm and I don't like how unhappy he is there. But in order for him to move in with me, we first have to talk to my parents.

'What if they freak out?' Gerard asks as he picks up Akira.

'Oh they will freak out. But we just have to brave it out. And once they are calm enough, we can reason with them, I'm sure. We're old enough now.' I answer while preparing her food.

'Yeah. What if they ask when it started though. What do we tell them? Like, do we lie or do we tell them that we pretty much hooked up since we were teenagers?'

It catches me off guard. They will ask, for sure.

'Jeez, I don't know. I mean maybe we should lie. Or we just wait and see how they react once we tell them we're together and then decide whether we should tell them the whole truth or just...you know...a slightly altered version of the truth?'

This is the best I have and Gerard agrees with my suggestion. There are no official guidelines for how to tell your parents that you're in a relationship with your foster brother. I spent hours on the internet, searching for answers. It made me feel better, since I got reassurance from reading about how common it is and that many foster parents are prepared for the possibility. But are my mom and dad prepared for what we're going to tell them this weekend?

I have no idea.

Notes

Wow, I really didn't think I would update this week because I was so busy. I'm so happy I was wrong though!
As I told you in the notes in the previous chapter - I have moved on to 'present day Skeeter and Gerard'. I also switched the POVs so each chapter will start with Gerard and then go to Skeeter. I hope you don't mind but it's pretty obvious from the very first sentence so it shouldn't be confusing. It is very strange for me to write in present tense though, I've never done that before. So if you see any grammar mistakes, I'M SORRY and just let me know and I fix them.

Anyway, what do you think? Lemme know your thoughts :) I can't wait to share more of Skeeter and Gerard's college life with you and I'm excited to really write them as a couple now. And of course the next chapter will be interesting...

Thanks for reading!