Casting Shadows

A part of me desperately wanted to stay away from him. Simply because even though he wasn't my brother, he was still part of my family. This was the only family he ever had and now that Seth knew, the risk of someone else finding out was bigger and subsequently, so was the risk of Gerard being forced to leave us. I thought about the conversation we'd had at Warped, speculated on how my parents would actually react. I was sure that they would never kick him out, but I understood Gerard's fear of being rejected and punished so I never initiated another discussion about it. After all, there was this responsibility I had, the need to protect him, even though I often felt as though I had failed at it when I'd slept with him that night.

And then, it happened again.

Two months had passed and apart from the occasional kiss and a few make-out sessions that we had been able to stop before it went to far, nothing had happened. We hadn't even talked about the incident in the park. But that weekend, my parents went away to visit their friends in Maine, leaving Gerard and I home alone. Seth had already gone off to college and was living in Atlanta so there was absolutely no one around to watch us. The minute they had announced their trip, I knew. I just knew it would happen again since in all honesty, the only thing that had kept us from doing it was the rarity of opportunity and the fear of getting caught. Why lie to myself and pretend that our willpower as well as the fact that we 'shouldn't' was enough to stop us?

We had invited friends over and after they had left, we fled to our respective rooms to escape the sexual tension that always built when we were alone with each other. It seemed almost like we had trained ourselves to take every necessary precaution that would prevent us from getting too close. At 1am, I sneaked downstairs to satisfy my sudden craving for chocolate and found Gerard reaching for the last of the Hershey's bars. The tiny bit of skin that was showing as he stretched was enough to get my pulse racing. And I should have turned around and ran back upstairs but I just stood there, staring, my mind already filling with all sorts of thoughts that I didn't want to have. He finally noticed me and turned around, looking like a deer caught in the headlights.

'Umm...hey.' he said, and I quickly rushed over to the fridge, opening it.

'Hey.' I just mumbled, looking at the contents but not really seeing them because of his presence.

'Do you wanna share?' he asked and I peeked at him as he held up the chocolate.

His smile. So innocent and enchanting. It caused all sorts of feelings, neither of which I could describe adequately enough to do them justice. My heart felt like a blossoming flower while my knees went weak; my belly was filled with butterflies, my cheeks were burning, and everything around us just faded into irrelevance. I wanted to touch him, I wanted him to touch me. I wanted to soak up his scent until I couldn't distinguish it from my own, I wanted to kiss him a million times although knew it still wouldn't be enough. I loved him so much, I had no words for it.

'No...thanks.' I answered, closing the fridge. I swallowed hard and left the kitchen with the intention of returning to my room but he grabbed my hand before I could even grasp the doorknob, and pulled me with him.

Our lips clashed the second we entered the darkness of his room, and I was momentarily surprised by how confident he seemed. In my mind, our first sexual encounter was still something I had set in motion, something that had happened almost on my terms. Had I been wrong in thinking that it wouldn't have happened if I hadn't taken the initiative? In that moment he was as eager as I had been, holding me close, slipping his tongue into my mouth, his hands wandering over my body. Not that I minded, of course I didn't. It made me smile, it made me more confident too, and it also freed me of some of the guilt I felt. He pulled off my shirt as well as his own, slowing down as our bodies touched. I had missed the feeling of his skin against mine and the way it sent a wave of shivers through me. His mouth left mine and he began to plant little kisses on my cheeks, wandering up to my temples and over my closed eyelids. The sweetness and intimacy of it made me flustered and I giggled and wrapped my arms around his neck, leaning against him. As always, I felt at home in his arms and I hoped he felt the same way when I embraced him because it was all I ever wanted to be for him. Home. A safe haven. Comfort. Where he could be himself. Where he didn't have to be afraid of anything, and if he was, he could share it with me without having to be ashamed or worried.

Doing this sober was so much different, so much more intense but also scarier. As my hands glided over his chest and down to his stomach, I could feel him tensing up. I knew it was because of the scars he had there and now more than ever I wished that they would just disappear under my touch. I hoped so much that he wasn't still able to feel the pain or that I could at least ease it or help replace some of the bad memories with good ones. I wanted to make him feel loved. My arms wrapped around his hips and I pulled him against me, kissing his collarbone to let him know it was okay.

We were prepared this time although in no way practiced. Getting completely undressed in front of each other was awkward despite our best efforts to cover it up with kisses. Still, the need to be close was stronger and soon his caressing hands made me forget about everything else. He laid me down on his bed and we slipped under the covers, giggling with a mix of excitement and nervousness. In that moment, being showered with his kisses and enchanted by the feel of his skin, I once again escaped every fear and worry, every doubt and responsibility. It also meant disregarding my good intentions but had they ever been good to begin with?

There wasn't any pain this time, probably because he was much more careful than I had been. I liked that he was in charge and I liked how intimate it was. The need to get assurance and love I had felt the first time had turned into the knowledge that I had both. I let the feeling take over again, enjoying the still unfamiliar sensation of having him inside me. Our eyes met in the dark and a sheepish smile played on his lips, releasing a wild mixture of emotions and a delightful shiver that quickly turned into a rush of heat that enveloped my whole body.

*

Of course I was nervous. And of course I had no idea what I was doing, or what I was supposed to do, for that matter. Still, I knew that's exactly how Skeeter must have felt the first time, and weirdly enough, it helped keeping me calm. This wasn't about it being perfect or our wildest fantasies coming true. It was much more real and that's what made it so wonderful. She trusted me, just like I had trusted her. I moved in and out of her slowly, sometimes looking at her to make sure she was okay, sometimes burying my head in her neck because looking at her was too much. It was thrilling to discover how her body gave away how she felt; her hands moving restlessly over my arms, up to my shoulders and back, her fingers digging into my skin ever so often while her breath quickened. There were these little sighs and moans that she unsuccessfully tried to hold back, oblivious to the fact that they were music to my ears. Whether what I was doing really felt that good, she simply appreciated our closeness, or both, it made me love it so much more. My brain couldn't even grasp what we were doing and the feelings it caused but for once I could tell that it was supposed to be like that.

That night I didn't move away. I kept my arms firmly wrapped around her while she softly snored, our legs entangled and her head pressed against my shoulder. It was the first time ever that I didn't feel scared that I would hurt her in my sleep. I thought about what we had just shared, the fact that my touches had caused her such pleasure, and in that moment I was convinced I had been wrong about myself all along. That I was good, that I would never cause pain or sadness, that my fate wasn't to become like my father who used and abused but the complete opposite. I was sure that I would be everything she ever wanted and needed and that this was only the beginning of our blissful happiness together. And no, back then it wasn't wishful thinking, I really really believed it.

We took full advantage of Christian and Tori's absence that weekend. It was hard not to after spending the night together, almost as though we had been glued to each other. For the most part, we didn't let any negative feelings trouble our minds even though the guilty conscience was always present, sitting there in a corner, watching and waiting to take a bite out of our perfect togetherness. Sometimes I almost felt as though I was taunting it with my disregard while I pulled Skeeter close to take her breath away once more. I couldn't let loving her be a mistake or a fault, after all it was the only thing that had kept me alive all these years. It wasn't just about her but the fact that my ability to have these feelings meant that I wasn't forsaken, or doomed to be a monster. I loved, and I was loved, even though I had experienced all these horrible things as a child. Skeeter gave me hope, she gave me a reason to believe in myself and she had done so ever since she had become part of my life. Unknowingly, probably, because she'd been too young to understand, but it had worked right from the start. It had made me fall in love with her as unconditionally and violently as I had, and now it was responsible for this feeling that made my toes curl and my back arch.

'If I'm ever born again, the first thing I'm gonna do is look for you.' she whispered against my skin and even though it made me smile, it also confused me.

What did she mean with that? I still ponder over it. And sometimes I feel as if she's still looking for me although I'm right there. Perhaps she is looking for the person I could have been. It's not so much that she wants me to be somebody else because I'm not enough. I know that Skeeter will always accept me for who I am, that it's me who can't accept her unconditional love despite relishing it. However, I can tell there's a part of her that also yearns for the boy she should have saved before the big bad monster broke him. An unspoiled version of me. She takes on all my pain and doesn't understand that it hurts me more instead of making me better. Because it becomes her pain. Because it's a vicious cycle of taking and giving, trying to change things no one can change while pretending we have come to terms with them. At times, my mind takes me back to that dark place, like a black hole. I get sucked into it, and nothing good exists in that hole. Not even Skeeter.

Back then though, I knew nothing of that black hole. I thought I did but the truth was, I had no idea. Lying there, with Skeeter in my arms, I was pretty damn close to being that person she was looking for.

Notes

This was the last 'past' chapter....in the next one, I will go to present day Skeeter and Gerard, who I've been referring to a little bit in each chapter to make it more obvious that there IS a present day Skeeter and Gerard. Do I make sense? I have no idea.
I hope you liked this chapter though. Bit of fluff, bit of sexy time, bit of seriousness. The usual ;)

Have a good weekend and thanks for reading.