Casting Shadows

I was staring up at my bedroom ceiling, dizzy and unable to even think about sleep. The tears hadn't stopped flowing since I had seen Gerard disappear into his room. Neither of us had looked at the other one, too scared of what the eye contact might convey. Too much had happened. I wanted to sort out my thoughts but I didn't know where to begin. My unwarranted anger at Gerard. My confession, and the fact that he had reacted in a way that I hadn't been prepared for. And of course everything after that. I couldn't even form the sentence in my head. I neither wanted to admit nor commit to what we had done because it changed everything. As if our relationship wasn't difficult enough already. Why did I have to go and make matters worse? It was my fault. I had initiated it. He never would have, he was way too cautious. I never would have either but the alcohol had made me braver than I was and the overwhelming emotions had added the need to get assurance and love from him. It had been a dangerous mix right from the start and my feelings for him had done the rest. Sure, it would have happened sooner or later. But like this? As a result of an alcohol induced breakdown? In the middle of the park? Without preparation, without even protection? I thought about all the romantic movies I had seen and how little our escapade had had in common with any of it. Had I gotten the assurance and love I wanted from Gerard? It had been there, for a moment, before my mind had cleared which made me aware of what we were actually doing. For just a minute or so, I had been able to feel it, so intensely that it had canceled out the discomfort and guilt. Maybe if I concentrated hard enough, I could somehow bring it back? I pulled the blanket around me, curling up into a ball. Under different circumstances, I could have snuggled up to him in bed right now, happy and comfortable in his arms. Instead, I was sobbing into my pillow, sore between my legs and cold from cleaning off the dirt with the garden hose. On top of it all, I was also worried about facing my parents. We had told a lie about Seth dropping us off before leaving again and my mom had sent us to bed with a stern 'We'll talk about this in the morning'. I had been unable to tell whether she had believed us or not. Not that it made a difference. Even if we got grounded for the rest of our High School years, it was nothing compared to the punishment I would give myself for letting this happen. I had lost my virginity, and taken Gerard's. Yes, I had taken it. There was no other way to describe it. Just as my woolly thoughts threatened to release another wave of sobs, they were interrupted when I heard the door open and close.

'Skeeter?' Gerard whispered and I held my breath. 'Are you awake?'

I didn't reply. I didn't move. I was glad he had come but I was also afraid of facing him. What was I supposed to do? He was the most important person in my life and I had ruined everything! What was wrong with me? As he lifted the covers and climbed into my bed, wrapping his arm around my waist and pulling me against him, the tears flooded my eyes once again. He pressed a soft kiss on my shoulder, his hand clenching the fabric of my nightshirt. It was obvious he was just as distraught as I was, needing comfort as much as I needed it.

'I'm sorry.' I wept and his hug tightened even more.

'What for?' he asked, sounding genuinely confused by my apology.

'I don't know.'

I really didn't know. All I knew was that I didn't want Gerard to blame himself for what had happened. There was already enough he blamed himself for, enough that he used to convince himself that there was something 'wrong' with him or excuse the abuse he had suffered. This was on me.

He was quiet for a while but I slowly started to relax in his arms, his warmth so soothing that it almost allowed for a glimmer of hope that things would somehow work out. His body felt nice so close to mine, even though it made me think about how much closer we had been just an hour ago. I blushed, immediately ashamed of my thoughts and the reaction it stirred so deep within me.

'It was nice though.' Gerard then said. 'Right?'

'Yes.' I admitted.

'Then why are you crying? And apologizing?'

'Because I'm confused and scared.'

'Do you regret it?'

I sighed, finally turning around to look at him. There was a frown on his face that broke my heart a little. I didn't want him to worry.

'I don't know. Please stop asking me all these questions. I can't answer them right now. I just don't know.' I said and he nodded.

We didn't have much time before he had to leave again so I nestled up to him, resting my head against his chest. Maybe it wasn't such a bad thing after all. I loved him and being close to him made me happy, so how wrong could it be? I knew for a fact that there would never be someone like Gerard in my life, someone I felt so strongly about. Even though we should have waited, I'd always wanted him to be my first. No one else could ever be as close to me as him. These feelings he caused just by invading my thoughts, the way he looked at me, kissed me, touched me; they had led to this. The way I had lost control over myself had been foolish as well as somewhat frightening, but it had felt delightful. As long as we didn't let it happen again, we'd be okay. Or so I thought in that moment.

*

My head was throbbing when I woke up the next morning. I had returned to my own bed after Skeeter had finally fallen asleep but had stayed awake for quite some time before sleep had found me too. It was almost 11.30 and although I dreaded it, I knew I had to get up and face the day as well as the consequences that last night would surely entail. As I stepped into the kitchen, Christian, Tori, and Seth were sitting at the table, waiting for me. My foster brother looked like he hadn't slept yet and it was obvious that he had given up on trying to hide the fact that he was still drunk. The conversation was short. Seth took full responsibility for our late return, confirming the story Skeeter and I had told last night. There was no punishment but Christian and Tori both agreed that Seth wasn't allowed to take us anywhere for a while. I was happy, though confused. Where was Skeeter? She must have talked to Seth already, otherwise he wouldn't have told the same lie.

'Where's Skeeter?' I asked Seth as we returned to our rooms.

'Think she went to the mall with some of her girlfriends. Why? You worried that she's avoiding you?' he answered and I instantly panicked.

'Why would she avoid me?'

'Gerard...I'm not stupid. I know what's going on. Don't shit yourself, okay. I won't say anything. But you gotta be more careful. If a neighbor or someone at school sees you. Or anyone else who knows Christian and Tori. If they find out, or the social worker finds out...'

He didn't have to say it out loud. Ever since the moment I'd first realized that I had feelings for Skeeter I knew what could happen if somebody found out. We had talked about it a gazillion times, always agreeing that we had to be 'more careful' but had never been able to follow through with it. It was just so difficult. As soon as I looked at her and she gave me that adorable smile of hers, all logic seemed to disappear. I melted like ice cream in the sun. The fact that Seth knew worried me greatly though. Had anyone else noticed? I'd never realized that we were being so obvious, with all the sneaking around and trying to act normal around each other. Maybe he just paid more attention than others? Either way, we couldn't take the risk anymore. And after last night, there was so much more at stake, which made the situation worse.

Skeeter returned an hour later and I immediately went to see her in her room, feeling anxious and insecure.

'Where have you been?' I wanted to know, not sure whether to believe to mall story.

'Had to take care or something.' she whispered although I had closed the door. It sounded as though she had killed and buried somebody.

'Of what?' I asked.

'Last night...we didn't...you know. We didn't use...anything. So I went to Walgreens and got the morning after pill. Just...in case.'

I could tell she was blushing although she had her back to me, busying herself by folding her laundry that Tori had placed on the bed for her. I knew she only did that so she didn't have to look at me. If the matter had been less serious, I would have found her behavior amusing but in that moment, it was kind of disheartening.

'You should have told me. I would have come with you.'

'You were still asleep.'

I took a deep breath, trying to figure out what to say. Despite finding some solace in each other's arms last night, the confusion and tension were still there. She felt bad, which was saddening since I knew it only added to the guilt she already carried for absolutely no reason. And once again I would fail at making it better.

'Skeeter...I wanted this as much as you did. And I don't regret it either. I'm glad it happened.' I reached for her arm and she finally turned around.

'But it can't happen again.' she said, more or less speaking my mind.

'I know.'

'That doesn't mean I regret it though. I want you to know that. Last night, before you came into my room...I felt so miserable. But then you reminded me of how much I loved being close to you.' she looked down and another flush of red appeared on her cheeks, probably making them match the color of mine. 'But we can't do it again. It feels too good and I'm scared of what could happen if we don't stop now.'

'I know.' I said again.

When our eyes met I knew that I underestimated her strength as well as my weakness. It would happen again. It would happen right now if we weren't in this house with three other people. The need I had for her was even stronger than before because I knew how amazing it felt to satisfy it. Yes, it would be best if we stopped, however the promise to not let it happen again was an empty one. Perhaps we only gave it to each other so we were able to say we 'tried'. Or perhaps it had become a habit.

I can't remember how many times we said 'let's stop', 'let's be more careful', 'we can't', to one another and to ourselves. I still tell myself, and then I somehow find myself knocking at her door in the middle of the night. And my heart is beating just as violently as it did back then and I'm still so desperate for her, possibly even more. I'm torn between good and bad, right and wrong, happy and sad, deserving and undeserving. It doesn't matter, because nothing matters when I kiss her. For that moment at least, all my sorrows go away and even though I know they will come crashing down on me twice as hard afterwards, I can't keep away.

'It can't happen again.' she repeated and it even sounded like a lie then, a lie that had every intention of being the truth but was a lie nonetheless.

'It won't.' I said, lying just as much.

Skeeter looked at me for a moment before pressing a regretful kiss on my cheek and hugging me. It seemed almost as if she had a hard time accepting it, even though she was aware of my lie, too. Maybe she needed to tell herself that we had tried, that we didn't just blindly give in. She wanted to make a sensible decision in order to fix things, and had to keep pretending that she did, more for my sake than for her own. I knew her motives, I knew that she only did this because she wanted me to feel innocent in all this while she dealt with all the guilt. And as much as I admired her for it, I couldn't let her.

Notes

This chapter took me ages to write, I don't know why. So if it's shitty, I apologize. It's confusing, but I wanted it to be confusing, since Skeeter and Gerard are trying to make sense of something they can't really make sense of. Let's hope I was able to get that across.

Anyway, thanks for reading <3