Casting Shadows

We were drunk. No, not just tipsy. Drunk. It hadn't taken long, after all we weren't used to alcohol at all but I was still surprised by how little I had needed to feel this fuzzy. The booze had helped us both loosen up and Gerard was talking to everyone, laughing at their stupid jokes and making equally stupid ones, probably just to fit in. At first I'd had fun watching him interact with the strangers that had made him feel uneasy when we'd first joined the party but now, I was getting more and more annoyed. My drunken euphoria had turned into downright misery and it seemed as though he'd forgotten I was even there. Multiple times, I had tried to tell him that we had to leave because my mom had texted me, asking if we were nearly home but he kept ignoring me. And finally, I'd had enough. I also hadn't seen Seth ever since we had arrived and Elliot was too wasted to care. Why was everyone so selfish? Or was I just uber-sensitive? Both? After shouting his name for the 20th or so time, waiting for a reaction in vain, I decided to leave the party without Gerard.

Despite being as inebriated as I was, I knew it was a bad idea as soon as I slammed the door shut behind me. Not only was it dangerous for a 16 year old girl to walk home by herself in the middle of the night, it was also unacceptable to leave Gerard behind. Still, I was angry and hurt, and although turning around would have been the right thing to do, I kept walking. He would be fine. Whatever. His new friends would take care of him for sure. He'd get into trouble at home, but that was none of my concern. I wasn't his babysitter. And I definitely wasn't responsible for his actions. I didn't see why I should run after him like a fool just to make sure he didn't get grounded while getting myself grounded in the process. No. No way. If he wanted to act like a jerk, that was his problem. He had to deal with the consequences. He also deserved them. If this was his way of thanking me after I had been by his side all day to keep him comfortable around all these people he didn't know, then he could see how he managed all on his own. I had to walk home by myself because of him and his stupidity. Because of him, I would be afraid, I would be cold, maybe I would even fall, considering I was staggering due to the booze in my system. In a way, I wanted something to happen to me so he would feel bad for acting like a douchebag. That was a horrible, mean thought but I couldn't help it, I was too angry to think clearly.

'Skee!!! Wait!!!' I heard his voice behind me all of a sudden. It caused both relief and even more irritation.

'Go fuck yourself.' I mumbled, without stopping. With a bit of luck, he would fall on his face chasing after me. Ha!

'Skeeter! What the hell!' he yelled and his footsteps picked up speed as he realized that I was ignoring him. Guess two can play at that game, I thought, the anger making my blood boil.

He had caught up with me soon enough and when he grabbed my arm, I was crying. I couldn't tell whether it was sad crying or angry crying. Maybe it was disappointed crying. In all honesty, it was probably just drunk crying but I had no control over my emotions anymore. What a silly, little girl I was. Crying like a fool because I was drunk and in love with this idiot. Why was this so hard? Why couldn't it be easy breezy and fun?

'What's wrong?' he asked, sounding sincerely concerned.

'You were ignoring me!' I sobbed, moving away from him.

'And you just leave?'

'Didn't think you would notice.'

'You didn't think I would notice? Are you crazy? Jeez, Skeeter! What the fuck! And now you're crying? Why? Why are you crying? Because you realize how stupid you're being?'

'Shut up!' I yelled. He had no right calling me stupid!

'NO! You're being stupid!'

'Shut up!' my eyes welled up with tears again. 'The only one who's being stupid here is YOU. You think it's fun for me to look after you, all day and all night and then you get drunk and ignore me while you're acting like a selfish asshole with your new friends? Do you not understand that it's hurtful? Oh wait, no you don't. Why would you care? Apparently I'm not good enough for you anymore once you can have fun with other people. Apparently, you don't need me anymore!'

He looked gobsmacked at my outburst but it felt oddly relieving to get it all out in the open. Why should I hold back my thoughts and feelings? Just for his benefit? Just so he didn't feel bad? Especially since I felt bad all the time, for things that weren't even my fault. I wasn't angry with him because of that. I didn't make him responsible. But the state I was in gave me a good excuse to let it out on him. That didn't make it acceptable though. Had he ever given me a valid reason to believe that I wasn't important to him? No! And how was it okay for me to act as though my behavior was justified but call Gerard out on his, when he was just as drunk as I was? It wasn't! My head felt as though it was about to explode. Shit.

'I'm sorry.' I said when I realized that I had been way too harsh and unfair.

'No, you're right. It was wrong. I...was being an asshole. I guess I thought you were having fun too. I didn't realize...I'm sorry.'

'I'm glad you were having fun.' I sighed. 'I just wish you were having fun with me, too.'

'But I'm always having fun with you. Today was great. And I'm grateful that you keep me calm because without you, I'd have one panic attack after the other. You're my everything. You know that.' although he still sounded like a drunken idiot, I knew he meant it.

He took my hand and I let him although my heart felt heavy. We didn't speak for a few minutes but my mind was still filled with scattered thoughts. The anger had gone and the guilt had taken its place. I felt guilty for what I had said, for how I had behaved. For feeling so fucking angry although he hadn't done anything wrong. Most of all I felt guilty for everything that I couldn't fix, everything that had happened to him and not to me. I was tired of being strong for his sake, I was tired of acting as though my feelings for him didn't make it harder. Because they did. I loved him. He loved me. Yet it wasn't enough to heal him. It never would be, no matter how hard I tried to love him even more passionately and earnestly. I could never undo the pain he had experienced; for the rest of his life, it would weigh upon him. He would never forget. The scars would continue to fade but they would never be gone for good. Now that I understood, now that I knew his nightmares, his fears, his worries, I knew there was no such thing as the big bad monster. That it was far worse than that because it was real. The most horrific things that could happen to a child, had happened to him. And my love wasn't strong enough to erase all the darkness he had inside of him. What broke my heart more than anything was the knowledge that the pain or at least some of it could have been avoided if only I had shared what I had seen. If I had told my parents about the boy with the strange bruises. But I hadn't. And because of that, there was blood on my hands that I couldn't wash off.

We took a shortcut through the park and that's where I told him.

*

She was crying again and I put my arms around her. I felt like crying myself but I held back my tears, knowing that it would make her feel worse. We were sitting under a tree, nothing but the shadows of the park surrounding us, and she had just poured her heart out to me. Why hadn't she told me earlier? As soon as I asked myself the question, I knew the answer. It wouldn't have changed anything. Skeeter felt guilty, she felt responsible, not only for what had happened to me but also for the fact that it hadn't happened to her. That she had no reason to be sad, yet she was. Because she'd had the perfect childhood, being daddy's little girl while I had spent the early years of my childhood being my dad's punching bag. Because she could never understand me although she tried so hard, although she knew me better than anyone else. Her sadness made the guilt even stronger since in her mind, she had no right to be sad. But she had been a child, just like me. And she was as innocent in all this as I was. However, I couldn't make her see that, I couldn't make her see how much she had helped me, how much she was helping me every day. How much her love meant to me. How much better it made me feel. I couldn't console her. Despite being together, neither of us could change the way the other one felt.

'It's okay, Skee. Please don't ever feel like you can't tell me. Or that you have to explain yourself. You can tell me everything. Always. You've been there for me from the minute I came to live with you. But I don't want you to think that you can't need me just because I need you. You've done nothing wrong. If anything, you saved me. You save me every day. I'd be so lost without you.' I whispered and buried my face in her hair.

I had no idea what else to say, so I hugged her even closer and she held on to me just as tightly. We sat like this for a while, I didn't know for how long but slowly, her sobs turned into exhausted sighs. Still, I refused to let go of her and it was only when she loosened her grip on me to look at me that I loosened mine.

'I love you.' she said, pressing her lips on mine.

I couldn't reply but I didn't have to either. Instead, I kissed her back, immediately realizing that I needed this as much as she did. The kiss was different than usual, it was urgent and passionate, even though in that moment, we couldn't figure out where this urgency and passion was coming from. Was it our way of dealing with everything that was happening? Was it our only way to find comfort? Did we just want to forget? With all these emotions as well as the alcohol clouding our senses, we acted purely on instinct. Soon, her kisses took my breath away and I was desperate to get closer to her. Skeeter climbed onto my lap and her tongue slipped into my mouth, making me moan involuntarily. My hands sneaked under her dress and up her thighs, and I could feel her shivering as I caressed her skin, yet she didn't stop me. On the contrary, within seconds, she had pulled off my shirt, touching me just as hungrily. My brain was too focused on her to realize what was going on, all I knew was that I didn't want to end this. It felt too good. Her taste, her scent, the way she felt; my body responded to it without hesitation. I kissed her mascara stained cheeks down to her neck as she ran her hands through my hair restlessly, whispering my name over and over again. If there had been any doubt in my mind that she didn't want this just as much as I did, I would have told her, I would have said 'Skeeter, I think we're making a big mistake.' but I didn't. I couldn't. And as shocked and scared as I was when she opened my belt and unzipped my jeans, the feeling didn't last long enough for me to change my course of action, since it was replaced by something much stronger and better. She didn't say a word as she looked at me; we had reached a point where asking questions or making bold statements was unnecessary. My head felt weird, as though it was filled with cotton balls, and all these cotton balls silenced the voice of reason that may or may not had been telling me no. Everything happened so quickly but oddly enough it still seemed like slow motion. She kissed me again, lifting her hips off of mine to pull her panties down and then her warmth was around me as she lowered herself onto me. It felt awkward at first and I could feel her wince which made me want to pull back but I was unable to. Skeeter grabbed my shoulders, kissing me harder as though to tell me it was okay. I couldn't believe we were doing this, I couldn't believe I was inside her, the sensation too much to take in or understand. Neither of us moved, we just kissed. I was too frightened to look at her because I knew that it would put everything into perspective and maybe make us become conscious of the fact that it was wrong. That we shouldn't be doing this, although it was the best feeling in the world. However, there was no way we could undo this now. Of course I had thought about it many times, had fantasized about it, always sure that it would happen one day but confident that we still had time to prepare ourselves. That we would find the perfect moment, maybe when we were home alone or maybe even after we had moved out. We had never talked about it, there was no rush. But this, it felt so natural, although, or possibly because we hadn't seen it coming. I broke away from the kiss to look at her and her breath hitched in her throat as though she was only now realizing what was actually going on. The only thing I wanted to tell her right now was not to be scared. That we both wanted this, otherwise it wouldn't be happening. I hugged her again, pressing my face against her chest and she wrapped her arms around me, kissing my temple. Closing my eyes, I focused on the feeling of being so close to her, how amazing it was, hoping that it felt just as amazing for her. She started moving slowly, carefully, without making a sound. I held my breath, my body rigid as I was too worried about hurting her. What if I let myself go and did something to cause her discomfort? What if I got too lost in the moment? What if I ruined it?

Maybe I wanted her to tell me that I didn't have to be scared just as much as I wanted to tell her.

It ended as abruptly as it had started and she got up and put her panties back on. Everything about it felt sobering but I immediately missed the feeling of having her close. I got dressed, blushing with embarrassment when I noticed the wet spot on my jeans from when I had pulled out of her prematurely due to the fact that we hadn't used a condom. I swallowed hard, wishing we could have enjoyed it a bit more, instead of having to deal with all this shame.

'Let's go home.' Skeeter said, still not looking at me.

The walk back to our house was excruciatingly silent. She held my hand and it was the only display of intimacy between us although it felt more like something she did only for me, not because she really wanted it. It felt strange. It confused me. How could we have been been so close to each other just a few moments ago and now this simple contact seemed almost forced? Everything that had happened in the last hour felt like a weird dream to me. And the entire time, the only thing I could think of was how I didn't want to part ways without telling her first.

Don't be scared.

'You've got dirt on your legs.' I said instead, and she gave me a perplexed look as though she had no idea what I was talking about.

Notes

SO! Here it is...did you see it coming? Or was it a shocker? Thoughts? A lot of things happened in this chapter, a lot of things that will bring changes. What do you think is gonna happen next?