Casting Shadows

Lucy had left for college that year and it wasn't until she was gone that I realized how much I missed having an older sister. Ever since Gerard had joined our family, him and I had been inseparable and although I loved both her and Seth very much, I had never been as close to them as I was to Gerard. We hadn't consciously excluded them but the relationship was different, in so many ways. Maybe because they still got to see their parents or maybe because I never saw Gerard as a brother. As our awkward teenager phase continued, I often wished for Lucy back so I could talk to her about certain things. She had no idea about what was going on between Gerard and I, or so I thought at the time. It wasn't until much later that she told me she had a feeling that something was happening. Ultimately, her leaving brought us closer together. We talked more on the phone than we had ever talked when we had shared a room and whenever I needed advice or someone to rant with, she was the one I called. Gerard and Seth also became closer. They were only two years apart and Seth was a junior in High School, he helped Gerard make new friends and introduced both of us to the 'cool kids' at school. It was very important, especially for Gerard, to escape the role of the outsider and start fresh. For me, that meant letting go of the need to protect him all the time and while I had to get used to sharing him with other people, it was a welcome change. Safe in the knowledge that nothing and no one could ever break the bond between us, we slowly but surely became more independent from each other. Whether it was that or growing up, it made me see him in a different light. And that only added to the strong feelings I had for him.

All of a sudden, I knew what the other girls meant when they said they had a 'crush'. Things about Gerard that I had never noticed before would make me go weak in the knees. His little dimples when he smiled, the way he stuck out his tongue when he was sketching, the way he walked and talked and giggled. Everything about him was cute and made me want to gush over him for hours. While I was still uncomfortable with how my body was developing from that of a girl into that of a woman, I caught myself staring at Gerard, noticing and appreciating all the changes he was going through. I couldn't stop thinking about kissing him, with his strong arms wrapped around me, and every time I did, I felt insanely hot to a point where I had to look away and distract myself.

Unfortunately, I wasn't the only girl in school who felt like that about him.

Even though Gerard was still reserved and didn't talk to anyone unless Seth and I were with him to encourage him, the girls had taken a liking to him. They seemed to be into his shyness, especially combined with his cute baby face. It was only a matter of time before pretty much every girl in our year was trying to be his girlfriend. Since I was the only girl he spent time with, some of them soon started getting jealous of me while others attempted to befriend me so they could be close to Gerard. At first, it kind of amused me. After a while though, it became irritating. Gerard didn't know how to handle all this female attention but he was nice to everyone who was nice to him. He wasn't an asshole like popular boys usually are. When a girl tried to engage in a conversation, he would politely smile and the girls mistook that for flirting. I had a hard time admitting it but on a few occasions, I did too. So of course it wasn't long until I lost my cool.

'What's the matter?' Gerard asked as I pulled him away from Tiffany Harrison, who gave me the evil eye.

I didn't answer straight away but grumbled in frustration while forcefully linking arms with him. He was surprised at my behavior and in all honesty, so was I. There was absolutely no reason to be jealous. I knew Gerard better than anyone; he wasn't interested in other girls. Now that I'm older, I think I was more frustrated with myself than him. That he had this effect on me, that I acted like a fool because of him.

'Oh you know exactly what the matter is!' I snapped.

'Huh? No I don't?'

We were out of earshot now so I let go of him and glared at him, my hands on my hips.

'Do you like her?' I then asked. 'Do you like Tiffany?'

'She's nice, I guess.'

'You guess? What's that supposed to mean? Do you like her or not?!' my emotions were getting the best of me and even though I didn't want to cry in front of him, especially right now, the tears were already clouding my vision.

*

'Skeeter why are you crying? What's wrong? What did I do?' I asked as I noticed her eyes well up, stepping closer to hug her but she pushed my arms away.

'Do you like her?' Skeeter asked again, turning around to hide her tears from me.

What was she talking about? What kind of question was that? Tiffany was a nice girl, she had talked to me about her Thanksgiving plans and had asked me about mine. She had giggled a lot and I didn't really know why she was giggling but I giggled too. Did I like her? Yeah I liked her. The way I liked pretty much everyone in my year, except for the bullies.

'Why can't I like her?' I was still completely oblivious.

Skeeter looked at me again, her eyes wide and her bottom lip trembling. Oh no. I had said something wrong.

'Do you like her the way you like me?'

That's when I finally realized. Shit. I was such an idiot! Wow, Gerard. Wow. You really are clueless when it comes to girls, aren't you, I thought to myself.

'WHAT? Hell no. Plus, I don't like you. I love you. I just thought...' ugh, I had to choose my words carefully now. 'I thought you meant...like her as a person, you know? The way you like people at school.'

It was hard to explain. My feelings for Skeeter were incomparable to anything I'd ever felt for anyone. I didn't understand why she would think that I could even remotely care about another girl the way I cared about her. I reached out to hug her again and this time, she let me.

'I'm sorry.' she sobbed, pressing her face into my chest. 'I'm being dumb.'

'You're not being dumb. It's okay.' I kissed her hair, inhaling her sweet scent. 'I was being dumb.'

Since everything was usually so easy with Skeeter, I wasn't used to this. As a teenager, you're not aware that you're acting like a teenager. You don't realize that most problems are caused by hormones and that everything is completely blown out of proportion. Skeeter and I were close, yes. But our brains weren't connected, no matter how convinced I was as a naive 14 year old boy that they were. She couldn't read my thoughts and I couldn't read hers. I was too inexperienced and uninformed to figure out what would upset her before I did it. Sometimes I thought of myself as insensitive and cruel because of that until I found out that it was absolutely normal. They should teach that in sex ed.

It was a strange time. Growing up with Skeeter while being in love with her. After the incident with Tiffany, I became more aware of what other girls thought of me, yet I still didn't know what to do about it. Obviously, what was going on between Skeeter and I had to remain a secret which meant that I couldn't reject anyone using the 'I have a girlfriend' excuse. Being as cute as she was, Skeeter was soon facing the same problem with boys although she was smarter than I had been, knowing exactly not to lead them on. We laugh about these things today, as if they never mattered to us but back then they did. Every day felt so significant; everything we did, every decision we made, was life-changing in our eyes. Everything was overthought, analyzed, dramatized and cried over, again and again. Our heads would still pound from hurt and anger when we realized that we could have avoided it just by talking to each other. Yet we never learned our lessons. It was almost two years of fighting and making up; crying, kissing, yelling, hugging, ignoring one another one day and giving each other hickeys the next. Christian and Tori had stopped taking our tantrums seriously because they knew that when we screamed 'I hate you!' at the top of our lungs in the evening, we would still sit side by side at breakfast in the morning, muttering apologies. To them, it was 'what siblings did', to us, it was 'what couples did'.

If I had to describe it, I would call it the storm before the calm before the monster hurricane tornado earthquake tsunami shitstorm. The first warning signs. The 'turn around now, or continue heading toward the inevitable'. Needless to say that neither of us saw it coming. We were young and naive, we were too selfish yet so consumed by that love we had for each other. Skeeter made me forget. And as addicted as I was to her, I was also addicted to forgetting.

Notes

Wanted to post this yesterday but then I forgot...please forgive me?

And yes as you might have figured out, the monster hurricane tornado earthquake tsunami shitstorm is coming...