Casting Shadows

That summer, my parents decided that it was time to have the embarrassing 'facts of life' talk with us. So while my mom sat down with me, my dad talked to Gerard. Whatever made them think that at 12 years old we didn't know about all this stuff, I had no idea. Looking back I think they just considered it to be the best time for them. I had already gotten my period, like most of the girls in my year, and of course we had also sex ed in school. So really, there was nothing left to discuss, or so I thought, being as naive as I was. I don't remember the actual conversation; all I remember is freaking out. The second my mom started talking about boys and growing up and 'you know what happens when a boy and a girl like each other very much', I immediately feared that she had found out about Gerard and I. Although we still hadn't done anything except the awkward pecking on the lips we called 'kissing' back then, I was sure that somehow, she knew.

I played off my fear and embarrassment as being annoyed and in no need for education, going 'Mooooom!' in my overly dramatic teenage girl manner before telling her to 'Get real' because I knew 'everything'. My mom raised her eyebrows at my behavior but let me go, finally admitting defeat. It was a relief for both of us to end this conversation.

We met in the tipi and Gerard was just as terrified as I was. And once he had told me about the equally disturbing conversation he'd had with my dad, we were convinced that they were spying on us.

'They know! They know, Skee!' Gerard whispered.

'They must know. I mean why would they suddenly feel the need to talk to us about the birds and the bees and all that shit.'

'I don't even wanna do that kinda stuff with you.' he said, rolling his eyes.

'Eww gross, stop it. I don't even wanna think about it.' I made a face.

Uncomfortable silence followed as we both thought about possible ways to get out of this mess. Gerard obviously feared my parents' punishment more than I did and he still thought he deserved it. He liked taking full responsibility in order to protect me, whether I was just as guilty as he was or not. There was certainly more at stake for him. And although I was sure that he would never be sent away from us, it was his biggest concern. To some extent I could understand it. The trauma of being unwanted and unloved had scarred him more severely than any physical harm he'd suffered. Despite being able to recognize that the abuse hadn't been his fault, he still constantly asked himself if he could have changed his parents' behavior.

'But if they know, why haven't they stopped us? Christian should have at least scolded me.' Gerard pointed out after a while.

I thought about it for a moment. Yes, why hadn't they? Either they didn't know after all, or they knew but didn't mind? Which made no sense whatsoever, they would definitely mind. There was no way in hell my parents would just give us the talk and then let us walk the walk. Even if sex wasn't on our minds. Yet.

We decided that there was a possibility they didn't know after all but we agreed to keep a low profile for a while. No more secret kisses. It was funny when we realized how hard it was to stop though. We had gotten so used to this new closeness between us that we didn't want to give it up. It was comforting and special. Exciting. Almost like a secret language we had invented and that no one else could understand or speak. So 'No more secret kisses' soon became 'What if we're just really careful and extra secretive about it?' It was a long summer, full of paranoia and shame; but also the sweetness of his lips.

Despite being only 12, it was the summer that defined the rest of my life. Not only with the relationship with Gerard. I became a young woman, I started to take my interests more seriously, make plans for the future. And while everyone else was convinced I would change my mind at least five more times until it was actually time to go to college, I didn't. I've always wanted to be a vet and after this first summer at camp, I was 100% sure that this was the right choice for me. Ever since I'd been a little girl, my favorite past-time had been looking for injured or abandoned animals I could save. Most of the time Gerard came with me and as we got older, it also gave us an excuse to run off and be together with no one watching. Sometimes we spent hours in the woods or fields. I remember one time we found a fawn in the grass and as soon as we spotted it, Gerard got excited and made a move to go and get it. But I stopped him. I had read that it wasn't unusual for their mothers to leave them alone for a while, hidden in the tall grass. They would often return to find them gone because a human had prematurely rescued them. So in order to avoid that, we decided to wait and watch the fawn, making sure that it actually needed rescue. It turned out it didn't; the doe came back. As I saw the deer lick her baby upon her return and then encouraged it to suckle, I felt strangely melancholic. I thought about Gerard. We had waited and watched too long before rescuing him. Our ignorance had almost cost him his life. I hugged him tightly, there in the grass. Told him I loved him over and over again. Hoped that he could feel how much I wished I could have prevented him from getting hurt.

I now know that I couldn't have. So all I can do is to make sure it doesn't happen again.

*

The year Skeeter and I started High School was also the year my birthmother was released from prison. While she didn't know where I was, my social worker as well as my foster parents didn't keep me in the dark about it. As if this time wasn't confusing enough already. Everyone was handling me with kid's gloves anyway but they did even more so then. I mostly acted as though I wasn't bothered by anything that was going on. Sometimes I could even fool myself. My therapist always wanted to 'discuss things' with me and after I was told that I could see my mother if I wanted to, he was eager to talk me through it. That now, at 14 years old, I was old enough. That I could read the letters she had sent me from prison if I wanted to, or write one to her. I told them all that I didn't want to hear from her, talk to her or see her under any circumstances, ever. I also told them that they did not have to ask me again and although the social worker assured me I could always change my mind and act on my own behalf, I was adamant about my choice being final. My foster parents were visibly contented, even though shocked by how forthright I voiced my opinion. I never told them why. The only person I ever told the real reason was Skeeter.

'I'm scared that if I see her, I'll realize I still love her. And that it makes me wanna go back and live with her again.' I said, ashamed of admitting it.

I didn't expect anyone to understand it, not even Skeeter. In all honesty, I expected her to be hurt by the fact that I would leave her and my foster family behind for a woman that had never even been a real mother to me. Of course I didn't want to, but I was afraid of the possibility. I think she understood to a certain degree but not really, since she could never fully comprehend how I felt. To her, my real mother and father were monsters that I hated as much as she hated them for what they did to me. It was hard to explain to her that in fact, I never hated them. I hated the abuse. However, Skeeter had never experienced abuse, let alone abuse at the hands of her own parents. As much as she tried, it was something only a child with the same history could ever get. Despite being as close as we were, I was completely alone in this.

Although I was sure that I didn't want to see my mother, the overwhelming urge to contact her intensified after her release. Just to ask her why. Why did you hurt me? Why didn't you just give me away when you realized you didn't love me? Why?

'I don't think there's even a reason. I think she's sick. There's no other explanation.' Skeeter said as I asked the question out loud.

'But what made her that way? What made my dad that way? His dad? Does that mean I'm gonna be just like my dad one day?'

There it was again. The underlying fear of becoming a monster one day. It was the first time I ever mentioned it to Skeeter. Before that, I had been too scared. That she would be afraid of me, that I would subsequently lose her. I could tell she was at a loss for words and shocked that I would say something like that. To my surprise she moved closer and placed a soft kiss on my mouth.

'You are nothing like him.' she whispered, sternly looking into my eyes to show me just how much she meant it, just how much she believed it.

'Not yet.' I mumbled, not able to take comfort in her reassuring words.

'Gerard.' she kissed me again, leaving her lips to linger on mine for a little bit longer this time. 'When you see your scars, do you honestly think that you could be capable of doing the same thing to someone else? I don't think you do. I think you look at them and you know you could never do that, ever. I can't imagine how painful it is. But you can. You remember. You still have nightmares about it. I know how hard it is for you and I know you. You could never ever be like him and cause the same pain he has caused you.'

My love for her grew even more in that moment. She was right, and for the first time, I could see myself through her eyes. I could see and feel just how big her faith in me was. Although she couldn't make my fear and doubts disappear, she gave me hope. That maybe, it wasn't my fate to be just like my father after all. That I could possibly break the cycle.

I kissed her this time and it was different. I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her against me with a passion that I didn't even know I had in me. It wasn't sweet and innocent any longer, and the intensity of it took us both by surprise. Skeeter gasped as I opened my mouth and I loosened my hold on her, expecting to be pushed away. She didn't. Her hands clenched the fabric of my shirt, and she moved close again, responding to my kiss. My heart had fluttered before, but now it threatened to explode. I had no idea what I was doing, yet I was doing it. It felt exhilarating and the heat that was rushing through my body should have scared me, that's how mind-boggling it was. In that moment though, I wasn't scared of anything. All I could think of was whether or not I made her feel the same way. That if I did, I couldn't be so bad after all.

It was the first time I actually felt a real physical longing for her. And I knew then I was in a lot of trouble.

Notes

Hope you all had a great weekend. Enjoy the rest of your sunday.

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Thanks for reading <3