Reality Is A Crutch

Chapter One

I was the new kid, for the last time, god damnit. I wasn’t just the new kid this time though, I was a whole new person. At least I hope I was. Sort of.

My neighbor gave me a ride to school. His name was Ray. He’d graduated high school three years before, but we’d become close over the years of living next door.

“Ignore the kids, if they judge you or anything. They’re all just douchebags and once you graduate, you can either stay with your parents or stay with me. High school doesn’t matter, Ellie.” He comforted me. I kept my expression solid, one attempt at a genuine smile and I might burst into tears.

I guess it sounds like Ray is my boyfriend or something. Let’s point out, he’s FIVE years older. And has his own girlfriend. We’re just friends.

“Fuck them.” I said, forcing a smirk. “Little pricks.”

Ray rolled his eyes. “Try not to bomb the school, Ellie. Some people could be pretty cool.”

“No promises.” I said, before exiting the car. I looked down at my body and looked at how pathetic I was. I remembered how I looked my first day of school last year. All smiley and cute. A little pudgy but still healthy looking. I’d straightened my dark brown hair, so excited for my first day. I was wearing this little plaid skirt and a nice top. I’d put on lipgloss and mascara and a little bit of brown eyeliner that all popped against my fair (but a little tanned from the summer) skin. I barely remember that girl, let alone recognize that in 380-something days (a little over a year), she could look like me.

It was MY first day at school, but it was already more than 20 days into the school year. Where was Ellie? None of your business! No, but seriously, where was I? Really, short little Ellie away all summer? But what could she be doing?

It’s a goddamn secret.

It was MY first day at school and I look like I usually do: like absolute shit. I wasn’t really smiley and cute anymore. More like sadistic and angry. My bones stuck out awkwardly, I wasn’t eating too well anymore. My hair wasn’t straightened, or pretty. It was cut kind of short (i did it myself), just over my shoulders and kind of spiky. I was wearing a grey knitted sweater (to keep me warm cause I was shivering even though its hot outside) and tights, I apologize to whoever sees my disgusting bony legs. Yuck. There was no makeup on my face, just a scar over my left eyebrow, another scar on my lower lip, and dark circles so intense they barely looked real. My big, grey eyes used to make me look sweet, but now they make me looked like a kicked puppy.

“ELLIE, man up already!” Ray honked his car horn to get my attention. I reached into the pocket of my backpack and pulled out a cigarette and put it between my lips. If we’re going to start school the year in any way, it’s going to be with a cigarette. I lit it with the lighter (also in my backpack) and smirked at Ray. Ray just honked the horn again and drove away.

I took a hesitant step towards the school, down the concrete pathway. I saw some typical high school “crews”. There were some African-American kids listening to loud rap music, trying as hard as possible to look intimidating. They didn’t scare me, but last year they would have. I guess I’m used to scary at this point.

“Look, the little girl found a pack of stokes. You know those kill you, baby.” Some tall guy in that crew approached me.

I reacted with a smirk, blowing smoke towards the guys face. “The only thing that kills me is me. Nothing else can do that.” The guy looked at me.

“You’re a fucking psycho.” He said. “We like psychos but you scare me, little girl.” I smirked and took another drag of my cigarette.

“That’s right I’m a fucking psycho.” I said walking on towards the school. Each step made me want to just turn around and run the other way. All I was going to be was an outcast, I was just going to be an outcast continuously failing grade after grade. I wanted to drop out. This was my last chance year. If this year couldn’t grasp me, I’m dropping out.

I found a bench and sat on it, stubbing out my cigarette with my black loafer and immediately lighting a new one. I heard the sound of a conversation heading towards me, and I looked up. Three guys were heading over; one who had this peculiar dyed blonde and black hair which somehow looked pretty good, a tall, thin one with long, straight hair in his face, and another with kind of shaggy black hair and red eyeliner, who was drinking a cup of coffee. They sat on the other side of the bench as me.

“Hey, you don’t mind if we sit here, don’t you?” Asked the guy with the straight hair. “I’m Mikey.” I saw he also had a cup of coffee.

“No, I don’t mind. I’m Ellie.”

“Can I have a cigarette?” The red haired guy asked.

“Gerard, you smoke?” Asked the Mikey guy.

Gerard rolled his eyes, as if to say obviously. I took another cigarette out of the pack sitting on my lap and handed it to Gerard. He put it in his lip, not lighting it.

“Are you going to light it or are you making some hipster statement?” I muttered.

“I don’t have a lighter.” He said back. I took mine out of my pocket, flicked it once before it actually sparked and then brought it up to Gerard’s lips, lighting it. He immediately blew a small cloud of smoke out of his mouth, and for some strange reason I found it all kind of hot.

“So, what do you do here.” I said, smoking my cigarette. My breaths were getting a bit shaky. This was more social than I’d been in ages.

“We drink coffee, read comic books, talk about music, apparently Gerard smokes... I mean, we really aren’t “cool” or “popular” or whatever. If you’re new, probably best to find another crew.” The guy with the blonde/black hair said.

I took a long drag of my cigarette, before letting it out. “I don’t know if I come of as the kind of girl who is cool or popular, but I like comic books.” I said quietly.

“A girl...in this school...who likes comic books. We must rejoice in this lucky day! I say we go to the beach, somewhere nice.” Mikey said.

“Beach...sounds nice.” Gerard muttered. I nodded.

“Yeah beach is good.” The other guy muttered.

“Okay, what is your name?” I asked him. I knew everyone else’s but his hadn’t come up in simple conversation.

“My name is Frank.” He said. “But I mean, it’s just a name. You can call me whatever. Let’s go, before the bell rings and we have to do school shit all day.”

Frank and Mikey ran off. I walked behind slower, with Gerard.

“I guess they’re a bit crazy sometimes?” I muttered, so quietly I wondered if Gerard even heard me, looking at the two guys running down the street.

“Yeah, you’ll get used to it, if you stick around them for a while.” Gerard said, taking a drag of his cigarette.

After that, we walked to the bus stop in perfect silence, the only sounds were Gerard’s slow, steady breaths and my shaky, cold ones.

Notes