For Every Heart You Break

*Gerards POV*


I tried to be happy. I really did and most days I was. Sometimes though I would wake up and I would want to die. It was never because something happened, I would just suddenly realize I didn't want to be alive. It was one of those days. I really did try to be happy.

I woke up next to Frankie and he kissed my forehead hugging me tight and the first thing through my mind was a small 'I don't deserve him'. Before I left the bed every person I knew ran through my head and I thought I didn't deserve them. I laid there for a while and eventually Frank looked at me inquisitively.

"Gee? You okay?" His voice was low and worried. I wanted to scream no wanted to stay in bed all day until I felt like being alive again to just sleep and hope the pain went away.

"I feel kinda sick" I responded smiling weakly. I wasn't lying per say but I felt sick more in mind than body.

"Awe Geebear what's wrong? I hope it's not the flu. Well you stay righ here and I'll get you some coffee. Do you think you can keep some food down?" He was sat up in our bed not quite moving yet but looking about ready to run.

"In not hungry but thank you Frankie" he nodded heading upstairs to make some coffee. I spent most of the day in bed with Frankie. I wouldn't tell but a lot of it was spent thinking about how bad of a person I was and how much better the world would be without me. At around 10 o'clock or so I looked around and Frankie was sleeping quietly next to me. I kissed him before trying to creep upstairs.

" Gee where are you going" Frank's voice was throaty and I wanted to delay my plans and crawl back in my bed but something within me screamed out 'He'd be better if you were dead'.

"Ye Frankie I'm just getting some water go back to bed" my voice was shaky and I prayed he wouldn't notice.

"Okay Gee Goodnight" he responded meddling into his pillow.

"Goodnight Frankie" I spoke sobs racking my body as I climbed the stairs to the kitchen. I didn't want to leave Frank but it would be selfish of me to stay.

I had spent most of the day thinking about the different ways to kill myself, I had already decided on using pills. Considering how many I'd been taking recently I knew it would take a lot but once I'd done it wouldn't hurt much.

I took as many as I could choking it down with liquor. I only kept it down for about 20 minutes before my head was leaned over the toilet and I vomiting and vomiting and vomiting. By the time I was done I was sobbing and shaking . I should of felt thankful but I mainly though about how I fucked everything up, how I couldn't even kill myself right. I grabbed a knife slicing both my wrists with as much pressure as I could.

Blood flowed from the two jagged gashes. I realized I didn't want Frankie to be the one to find me. I didn't know how I had any rational thoughts at that point but I did, at least onece during the whole time. I grabbed my cellphone dialing Ravens number hoping that Raven would find me not Frankie. I was feeling faint and layed on the tile.

My wrists were covered with blood and it was smeared on the floor.

" Raven, I messed up" it sounded like she was in a bar. I thought it was odd but I didn't think too much about it. My voice was quiet even to me I shook a bit and as more blood spilled from my wrists it got more smeared .

" Gee is that you?" She asked and I heard a shuffling chair.

"There's so much blood" it was going dark fast I knew I didn't have too long and my mind was becoming scrambled.

"Why is there blood" it got quieter behind her and I sat up trying to stay awake longer.

"I threw up the pills. I didn't mean to" I mumbled into the phone hoping to stay on longer. I can't recall the last tendrals of our conversation but the phone fell from my hand and my head hit the ground. It fell dark. I awoke at intervals the final one being when Raven found me. I was crying by the time I heard Frankies voice again. As it went dark for a final time I realized something.

I didn't want to die.

Notes

thank you for reading