I see you lying next to me

Alright, he never controlled my mind or anything.
This is so confusing, what does it all mean then?

I cover my face with my hands, I feel like I’m going to cry at any moment.
I feel so anguished and confused.
What am I going to do now?

Frank probably thinks that I hate him.
But I don’t.
To be honest, I don’t even know what I feel for him anymore.

I mean, he’s seems nice in a way when you get to know him, but what about the other things I’ve felt for him?
I don’t want to think about it.
I can’t be gay.
It’s just not possible.
I don’t want to believe it.

“Gerard are you okay?” I hear Ray asking. He sounds concerned.
I raise my eyes and see his very concerned face.
My view starts to get fuzzy.
I’ve never felt like this before, everything in my view just gets more and more blurred.

I feel like I’m going to puke or faint or something. I must be looking pretty weird as I hardly try to stay conscious.

“Ray I’m… I feel like--“ I try to mutter. Oh god I feel so horrible.
“Gerard what’s wrong? Gerard I… Hey, what the fuck!?” I hear Ray screaming as I feel myself tumble onto the floor and everything goes black.

- - - - -

I sit on my little couch with my guitar again.
I sit in the darkness again; I love to play in the dark.
I play few chords and try some new riffs.
My guitar sounds pretty good; I’ve always known that I’m good at tuning guitars.
The chords sounds perfectly clean and it just sounds so good.
Then I realize it again.

Nobody will care if I’m good at playing guitar or tuning them. It’s a useless ability.
Nobody has ever cared about it, except my mom.
My mom always supported me and told me how good I’m at playing guitar, back then I always heard praises about my playing.
And here, the only compliment ever about my playing came from the boy who I hate but whose face I adore too much.

I think about him and I smile automatically.

Last night, he came to my door and told me that I was good at playing guitar.
I told him to go away, he didn’t.
I had really good time with him, until he stormed out of my room because of my stupidity.
He seems to run away from me every time I see him. Just like everyone.

I still don’t know what I did wrong earlier today, It’s seems like I ruin everything without doing anything. Whatever, I can just tease the shit out of him from now on since there's no chance in us being anything anymore, and at some point I'll do what I have to do.

I’m sobbing quietly.
I’ll never get out of here.
I’ll probably spend the rest of my life like this, crying and wanting to die.
Why didn’t they just let me die?
It would’ve been the best for everybody.

I curl myself into a ball and cry silently.
I can’t go home because I’m too dangerous, but I can’t be here either, I don’t want to be.
I hate being a wizard, I hate it so much. Why me?
I feel so lonely; I have nobody to comfort me and tell me it’s going to be okay.
But let’s face it, it not going to be okay.
It’s never going to be okay.

I feel some people coming upstairs.
Yes, I can feel people’s presence if they’re close enough.
I distinguish them better and better as they walk closer.
I can recognize Mary, some kid with a fro, some girl with glasses, and someone that I can’t recognize.
I try to focus more on the one I can’t recognize.
It feels like the guy’s presence is particularly lower than the others.
Is someone dying?

I try to focus as hard as I can.
Now I can recognize him.
It’s him.

I get up from my sofa and run to my door.
I open the door and see Mary and the boy with a fro carrying him towards his room.
He is clearly not conscious.
He doesn’t look like he would be dying either, thank god.

Before I can even think I’m running towards them.

“Is he okay? What happened?” I shout at them as I run. God i'm so stupid, of course he's not okay!

They don't look at me but the boy with a fro answers anyway.
“He fainted or something” he says as they carries him towards his room as fast as they can. Then the fro guy quickly turns his head and looks at me, he looks surprised.

“But why the fuck do you care?” he asks, almost angrily.

Notes

sorry it's pretty short :'D