you are another me

I will find out his name, I will do it and steal it. Steal sounds bad. Use it? That sounds stupid but whatever. Next would be my age. I do look younger than 20 thats for sure, so 17. I think i can get away with that. I know i can get away with that. For a guy who sits in his house all day its amazing what my brain can do.

I was left with my thoughts for 2 years and all i needed to do was figure them all out. I didnt mind, cause like i said, i like figuring things out. Especially people, i just find them so interesting. Maybe thats why i liked this teenager so much when i first saw him out my window, the way he just stood there eyeing the place down as if there was nothing wrong with it. He looked so disquisitive. You see most teenagers now days would go up to my house and throw eggs or other shit at it. I wouldn't do anything about it, just laugh at their ignorant minds.
But he's different.
-
-
I lazily walk upstairs into the kitchen, holy hell its dark out. I didnt really bother checking the time while i was down there but shit, ive been down there for a while. I start to feel anxiety pushing its way into my body. What if he came back? What if he was waiting here when i was downstairs? What if he doesnt come back thinking i wont be here?!

Calm down Gerard, He'll be back tomorrow.

Its 4am and i'm sitting at the kitchen table thinking about how to handle the situation with the kid tomorrow. What if he doesnt like the way i look?! Im extremely self conscious. My name, My looks, My Voice, My work .. Everything thats why im sending notes instead of actually talking to him. Im such a pussy but not weak! being a pussy doesnt mean youre weak just scared. Scared doesnt mean weak .. well maybe it does. Okay fuck im only weak around him thats all.

It was a thunderstorm outside and i was tired but i refused to go to sleep. I had to much shit going on in my head that it was nearly impossible to even close my eyes. Look what he did to me! All i ever wanted to do as sleep forever and now i cant even close my fucking eyes. Lil shit, i hate falling in love. I'd rather not share what happened last time i fell in love. The experience was awful. If you still didnt get the hint yet, Im not a virgin.

What if he's not a virgin? what if its his first time? What if i hurt him?
God why am i even thinking about that? Out of everything to think about im thinking about getting in bed with this .. kid.
_________

Someone started to pound on my door, It scared the living shit out of me. I glanced at the window and it was still pouring. What are the- why. Though it looked much lighter out. I was right, the clock said exactly 10am. I stumbled down the stairs and looked the crack.
Goddammit its him. Why is he here? Its fucking raining out, He needs to start thinking more. He could catch a cold. I laugh at how worried i am about a strangers health. he hears me and frowns.

"Are you laughing at my name?" He said looking down at his shirt. On his shirt theres a sticker saying 'hello my name is' and then .. Frank. Well does it ever suit him. I laugh some more to get into my plan.
"No, i just think its funny that we have the same name" i say in a low voice.
"Are you serious?!" Frank says shocked
No. "Yes"
I get the 'i wanna know you' note and slid it underneath the door.
Frank looks puzzled, but soon after picks up and starts reading it.
"I-I wanna know you too" He says barely above whisper

I close my eyes and open the door, It creaks. The last time i opened up this door was when i moved in. Otherwise i would go through windows. But i would never open up this door for anything, It protected me from the reality. It protected me from hurting even more. The world is cruel man .. but as soon as i open my eyes to look at Frank, its not so cruel anymore.

"Fraaank?" Frank says
"hm?"
"H-How old are you?" He asks. I dont understand .. he looks terrified. Did i scare him? Oh god i did didnt i.
"se-seventeen" my voice comes out as weak and unsteady.
"Really? Well im 16. I thought you'd be older considering how long you've been here"
Ignorant ignorant ignorant.
What am i saying? It's true but just because ive been here for quite a while doesnt mean im like older than everyone. And he's sixteen? only four years apart thats not tooooo bad.

Frank all of a sudden is very close to me now, as much as i dont want to admit. A little too cose.
I shake my head and start to walk backwards into my house.
"Whats wrong?"
My social anxiety is acting up, the only thing i can do is shake my head otherwise my words would sound anything but english and ill probably make a gigantic fool out of myself.
When i step in the porch i slam the door.
Frank looks as if i just took his heart and stomped on it. Hurt.

"Im sorry" i sigh

Notes

siiighs