you are another me

Im sat on my kitchen floor staring at the ceiling.
You confused yet? Yeah thats right i left Franks house last night.
Call me a coward all you want because i admit, I was afraid. I always run away from problems anyway. So i mean this is normal i guess.

Cant make the pin of guilt go away, Fuck Frank is probably flipping out. Should of left a note or something. Eh too bad. Im pretty fucking selfish and i hate it.
Mind as well do what i do best, ignoring the world.

_______________________

It literally feels like im my old self. Painting in front of the big kitchen window. This time Frank isnt the only one in my mind. Its irrelevant. The people that destroyed my brother are wandering around in my brain like get the fuck out. Oh and Bert but im good at ignoring him even after the accident that just happened yesterday.

Okay sure i should stop worrying about stuff like the teenager said but im a paranoid freak. I get scared even when a bird is in my front yard sometimes. It was just so hard to enjoy myself being suicidal and all. Now i dont think that much about death that much anymore but the thought still occurs unexpectedly and it totally ruins my mood.

-

-

I didnt realize what i was drawing, I put my painting up to the window and i looked at it from all angles. There were my eyes and in the reflection was Frank and Mikey talking. In the corner were them, standing there with masks just staring at Frank.
Did i just. Shit. Maybe im paranoid because im scared the people will end up getting Frank.
Oh god i cant get myself worked up. What if my mind is leading onto something?
What i-

There was a knock on the door. I slowly turned my head down at the figure knocking on my door.
I gasped. Since when did Frank knock? My heart fluttered but also fell. He could of stayed home. I ran to the door opening it leading with Frank pushing me back against the wall pulling my head down towards his, lips colliding. I followed up with his idea of making out in the porch for a while until he broke the kiss looking angry as ever. Frank cant be angry? Well he can but.

"Where the fuck were you?" He said while going upstairs into the kitchen
"Here?" I spoke sitting at the table
"No Gerard, Why did you leave?!"
I dont have a real answer for that.
"I dont know i just had too" I whispered
"I dont know isnt acceptable .. and whats this" Frank said pointing to my fresh painting
"I dont know"
Frank looked at me then got up and went into my room.
I sat there debating whether i should follow him or not.
Deciding to stay put i hear bottles moving. What the fuck?

I wait a little longer until Frank comes back with two bottles of vodka
My eyes stare at the poison in front of me on the table. I attempt to go grab a bottle but i stop hesitantly.
"What are you trying to do Frank?" I ask him
"I dont know" He winks at me then puts the bottle to his mouth drinking half of it then cringing from the taste.
"I see" I continue to stare until Frank passes me the bottle.
"Uhm no thanks" I mumble
"Are you serious? Out of all the times i let you do something you dont do it?"
"Well i mean, would you ever let me kill myself?" I ask bluntly
Frank's eyes widen and he opens his mouth to say something but quickly shuts it placing the bottle in front of me once again.
"Fuck, Gerard" He whispers walking over to me
"Ill drink with you Frank, but its your call if things get a little hectic okay?" I pull him into a hug
I feel him nod against my shoulder.

Im done half the bottle and Frank, well he wont stop trying to kiss me. i mean i like kissing him but hes pretty sloppy.
"Get off me your acting like a dog" I laugh
"Oh so i cant kiss my boyfrieeeend?" He smiles
Hm i never considered him my boyfriend more like lover but then again logically he is a boy and hes also my friend so.

I drink more until my brain feels like its mush and all i want right now is, Honestly Frank.
I walk up to Frank sliding my hand down his body, resting on his crotch.
"Hey" He says
"Hi" I say seductively as i feel him harden beneath me.
Frank's breath hitches and he pushes me to the ground jumping on top of me.
"Now you know not to tease" He grinds and i let out the most sluttiest moan. I wasnt even hard. It just felt so good.

Then unexpectedly i think about what im doing, Shit. Frank's drunk, i am too. He'll regret something if this goes any further.
I push him off me and his back falls to the ground with a big thud.
"What?!" Frank squeals getting up quickly
"I cant do this Frankie" I say straightening up my shirt
"Why not!" Frank yells
I stand up almost falling over.
"You and I are both drunk and-"
"So what!!?"
I sigh loudly
"Frank something bad could happen" I touch his shoulder
"What are you gonna do? Kill yourself?" Frank pushes my hand away
I gasp. Then anger over takes my body

"You jerk" I whisper trying to keep my cool
"Oh im gerard who cant do anything but drink and cut myself" Frank mocks
"I'll fucking hurt you if you dont shut up" I clench my fists
"I'd love to see you try" He spits
I swing my fist into his face, Frank's hands fly up to clutch his jaw in pain
"I warned you" I hiss going at him again
Frank's free hand digs through the drawers and pulls out a knife
Instinctively i step back.
"Dont think i wouldnt do it" He steps closer still holding his jaw

I smile grabbing my lucky pocket knife and throwing it at him. I wasn't fast enough to aim but when i looked back at Frank his cheek was slightly cut.
Franks runs towards me holding the knife in two hands, i grab his hands pushing him as hard as i can, MAn he's strong for his height. The knife scratches my chest a little until i kick Frank's stomach causing him to drop the knife and topple over.

"I fucking hate you" He strains his voice
"Saaaame" I slur

_______________

I wake up on the kitchen floor in a puddle of my own blood.
Sitting up i realize my chest is -was- bleeding which is now dried up.
I grab my head trying to think what the fuck happened.
Last thing i remember is getting really mad but i dont remember why.
Where's Frank?
Oh shit. What if i like killed him???
No. If i killed him i would definitely remember.
Then the memory hit me in the head like a brick.

Saying no.
Frank getting mad.
Trying to calm him down.
Words.
Hurt.
Angry.
Punch.
Threat.
Knife.
Hurting.

"Gerard?!" I hear Frank cry
I just keep my head down letting my hair fall over my face
Hearing footsteps come closer then seeing Frank's knees
"Gerard oh god are you okay?" Frank cries
I feel his small arms wrap around my shaking body.
"Frank" I say barely above a whisper
The only response i get is loud sobs
"Frank" my voice cracks from me raising my voice
"Y-Yeah?" He looks up at me
I shake my head
"What is it? Im just as confused as you are" Frank whispers
"No Frank i know what happenend" I say
Frank's eyes widen and he stares for me to continue.
"Im a monster" I begin to cry now
"No you arent"

I trail my fingers along the cut on his cheek
"I did that"
I feel Frank's face noticing a small bruise on his jaw
"And that"
Frank clutches onto me crying harder
"I dont care Gerard"
I put my arms around him holding him close

"Its getting worse Frank, Im hurting you"
Not just emotionally but physically.

Notes

Where am i going with this?