you are another me

Gerard's POV

I always wonder whats my purpose in life, everyone has a purpose whether its good or bad.
I cant deal with the fact that i dont know why im still here. Yet i still do the same things everyday what most people would call Living but this isnt living, staying in your house painting, The only source of light in here is produced by the sun or a candle at night, waking up to sulk through the day, asking yourself in the mirror if youre alright, looking at a noose in your basement for an hour each day, being alone .. with your thoughts isnt living.
Im not living im dying.
_______

The static of the broken tv wakes me up to meet with the blaring sun through the curtains.
Why couldnt i just sleep forever?
I manage to get off my bed, I cringe at the noise the bed makes as i get up.
Its dark in the hallway but i dont care i like the dark anyway, But i did need some light to finish some paintings. I skirmished through my handbag in the middle of the hall and got what i needed.
I went into the kitchen. The kitchen was bright due to a large window above the sink. The view was nice, i could see the whole city from here. I hated it though, I hated seeing people enjoying their lives as i sat here alone and out of the picture.

I'm half way done my painting until i notice something unusual at the corner of my eye. I stand up to see what that something is, i look through the big window and i see a boy .. he doesn't look older than 15 maybe even younger. He has jet black hair thats covering half his eye and a lip ring. Theres not much to see from all the way up here. My house is 2 stories up and being on a hill gives me the advantage.

The mysterious kid walks back and forth staring up and down my house. I'm tempted to just yell at him to go away but he looks to innocent and curious, he wouldn't deserve that. I keep my eyes on him hoping he doesn't notice me, i mean my windows are slightly tinted but whatever he might still catch me in his eyes.

Im gonna guess whoever this kid is doesn't know that this place is known as 'abandon' and almost everyone says to stay away. Its obvious that he's curious though. So im just gonna leave him and continue my painting.
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Ive checked three times in the past 2 hours to see if he left and he hasnt. What does he want?
The sun sets in like a half hour and this kid is still here, its pretty dangerous here actually despite me being inside but at the bottom of the hill its not a safe neighborhood.

Am i seriously worried about someone i dont even know? Something about him, i dont know what but something inside his little frame just makes me feel alive. Well yeah i know im not dead but i sure feel that way.but i dont know man, This kid makes my world a little more brighter, hold on whats the word .. happy thats it! If your happy that means your living. Alive. Youre Alive when youre happy. He makes me feel alive.
Yeah you get the point. but i could go on about how strange im feelin-

A loud knock on the door awoken me from my useless thoughts.
I checked the window to see if i just imagined it but the kid wasnt where he was a couple minutes ago. He was knocking on my door. What does he think he's doing knocking on a strangers door? I could be a murder for all he knew.
I hurried downstairs to where the front door was, I looked through the small crack of the wooden door. He looked much more attractive up close.
HOLD ON, i didnt just call this kid attractive did i? Yes im bi but this kid is like half my age and im calling him attractive?! Okay okay, he's quite handsome for his age. How about that?

The knocking continued and im pretty sure if he didnt stop the door would snap off its hinges.
I couldnt open it though. I'd probably scare him like all the other people who tried coming here.
So instead i took a scrap piece of paper laying around and wrote him a note. The note read
'its dangerous to be around here at this time, Please leave for your own sake. Come back tomorrow if you want though'
Does that sound to creepy?! I did have to inform him that someone was here so i hesitantly slid the note underneath the door and looked through the crack to see his reaction.
The kid looked terrified as i he picked up the note, I looked at his eyes scanning the paper.
Unexpectedly he smiled through out the note, when he was finished he shoved the piece of paper into his sweater pocket.
That went better as planned. The kid had a nice smile it made me smile. Which is rare. Last time i smiled was almost 3 years ago when my brother hugged me. Mikey Way was his name, He was a sweet little brother, always made me smile. Notice how i said 'was'. You see after our parents left us to survive on our own it was my job to protect him. I had to. Unfortunately i failed. Mikey was 15 and i was 17, We were walking on an unknown street trying to find a place to stay the night. It was a nice night until we heard gunshots. I took my little brothers hand and ran into the trees. Mikey was asking me what was happening, i told him i didnt know and to just stay down as i checked to see what was going on. Though he wouldnt let go of my hand, I reminded him that everything would be okay and to trust me. When he finally let go i ran towards to street and i saw two guys in the middle of the road, One of them was holding a shot gun and the other was holding a knife. I quickly ran to hide behind a parked car. Moments after i heard lots of screams. I would be lying if i said i wasnt scared. After the screams were muted i heard rustling through the bushes. I jerked my head towards the sound and i saw Mikey moving through the trees towards the street.
I yelled his name and he looked at me.
He was crying but i saw a little smile creep onto his face as he started walking in my direction.
I was trying to tell him to hurry up. He was half way to me when BANG. I looked to see where it came from and then i realized the guy holding the gun was pointing at mikey. I slowly turned my head and with wide eyes i ran to him.
"Gerard" Mikey said weakly
Stream after stream of tears fell from my eyes as i stared at his now lifeless body
The fear in his eyes was imprinted into my mind.
I should of fucking stayed with him, I shouldn't of ever left him alone he was only 15 for fucks sake. The only family i had left of me was Mikey and i failed him.

I dont deserve to be here.

Notes

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