Always

Gerard woke me up, shaking my body. I realized I was in his bed.

I rubbed my eyes. “What? What time is it?”

“It’s around 6:30,” Gerard replied. “It’s about time for you to get ready. You know, being a girl and all.”

I sighed and threw the covers off of me only to notice was in my boxers and bra. I looked at Gerard awkwardly.

“Nothing happened, Danny,” Gerard exhaled, taking off this shirt and putting a fresh shirt on. “You were drunk and somewhat upset.”

I nodded. I remembered last night. Frank got angry at me like usual. I went to Gerard, again, like usual. It was normal for me to go to Gerard when I was upset with Frank or he was distressed with me. Gerard was my best friend. I always said he knows me better than Frank only because Frank doesn’t know all my thoughts. I keep a lot to myself because Frank seems to worry or he gets extremely irritated when I’m not truthful. However, now I had to face Frank this morning when I picked him up for school.

I took a shower and put my hair in a bun. I was too lazy to dry it. My typical outfit was already set out. I grabbed one of Gerard’s The Smiths shirt and my black pants with a pair of checkered Vans. After a quick dab of black mascara and eyeliner, I was ready.

“You want breakfast?” Mikey asked as I walked into the kitchen. He was making pancakes. Gerard sat at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee. His tangled black hair hung in his face.

“You two enjoy it without me,” I mumbled. “I got to pick up Frank.” I waved goodbye and kissed them on their cheeks.

I got in my car and began to blast Black Flag. They always calmed me down when I was livid. I banged my hands against the steering wheel to the beat until I pulled up to Frank’s house.

Quickly I got out of the car and ran to his door, knocking repeatedly.

Frank answered the door with a towel in his hand in which he rubbed his wet hair with. He sighed.

“Frank, good morning,” I muffled, trying to sound pleased to see him.

“I’m still getting ready. Come in?” he asked, opening the door a bit more and motioning me to walk in. We both went to his room.

“Frank,” I said, “I apologize for what I said last night and how I reacted.” I sat on his bed and watched him rummage through his closet. He stopped and turned around. “You know how I get when feelings are mentioned or I feel something I don’t like. I can’t explain it, but you’re my favorite person in the whole world. You are my best friend. I love you dearly in a friend way of course.”

Frank came and sat next to me. He bit his lip and I couldn’t help but to do the same as I stared at his face. It was so perfect.

“Frank,” I continued, tugging at the edge of my hair, “I can still do this whole friends with benefits thing as long as you don’t put emotions into it. I can do it then. It is easy for me delete emotions.”

“Why would you even want to erase your feelings?” Frank questioned.

“I don’t believe in love,” I guessed. “I mean, my parents were never in love. My mom divorced my dad then he died shortly afterwards. She moved on so hastily to another guy who you know is the biggest asshole ever. He hits her and she still picks him over me time and time again. I don’t know. It just seems easier to not deal with my feelings or whatever I’m feeling and just be myself. If I don’t love anyone I’ll never have to go through that. If I just have one night stands that means I’ll never be put in the position where love can hurt me.”

Frank placed my hand in his lap. “What about a future with someone? Like kids and marriage?”

I thought silently to myself.

“You can’t be alone forever, Danny.”

“It’s easier that way.”

“You’re so gorgeous,” Frank whispered. “You can’t expect to be alone forever. You can’t expect someone isn’t ever going to fall in love with you and you don’t do the same. You can’t expect life to not happen.”

“Who says I can’t expect that?”

He shrugged his shoulders and nodded his head.

“We should get to school,” he said, standing up and bringing me with him.

“No, why can’t I have things my way? I don’t want a relationship ever,” I stated, sitting back down. I grabbed Frank by the waist and sat him on his bed.

“Does this have something to do with Jonas Thompson?” he asked, timidly.

I held my breath without realizing. I despise that name. Jonas was my ex-boyfriend. We dated for two years. I was freshman when we first started dating. He was a senior. Eventually, he graduated high school, but I was under the impression we were both madly in love. Now when I look back at the situation, I understand that I was just extremely naïve and plain stupid. Anyway, Jonas took my virginity after we were together for only two weeks. That’s when I fell for him. I was with him the majority of the time. Frank and the guys were frequently the third wheel basically. Jonas even proposed to me on his graduation day. I was so convinced we were high school sweethearts.

Well, obviously I was wrong. Shit at home started getting worse and worse. My mom and her boyfriend (or whatever she called him) were always fighting. My mom began doing drugs. Not like smoking weed, but heroin. I tried my best to help her. I mean, after all she was my mom. Until her boyfriend started coming into my room at night trying to get off with me. I told my mom who did not believe a single word I said. After her boyfriend beat the living hell out of me for making up such a story, my mom kicked me out. So, what did I do? I went to Jonas. I caught him in the act. Literally. He slapped me for not knocking.

To make a long story short, that’s why I don’t believe in love. That’s why I never want feelings. Having sex to avoid your misery is a lot easier than living with them.

Frank rubbed my back. “I’m sorry, Danny. I didn’t mean to bring it up.”

I gasped. I noticed I was crying.

“Danny, it’s okay. You’re okay.”

“Frank, you know he is partially the reason. Love makes me people do stupid things. Not even love, Frank,” I bellowed. “Feelings make people act differently and chose the wrong people and hurt others and I don’t fucking want to do that!” I sighed loudly then hugged him tightly. “Frank.”

Frank shushed me. “Danielle, you know I’m here for you for whatever you need. Just open up to me more. I’m not going to ridicule you. I will only love you in the end even if I can’t have you.”

I looked at him bafflingly. My cheeks were on fire from blushing. I hope he didn’t notice.

“You know what I meant,” Frank chuckled. “Now can we get to school?”

“I’m going to need a drink by the end of this week, Frank.”

Notes

I told you I would have a quality chapter eventually!

By the way, I appreciate all the readers and comments. I love you guys!

Thanks for reading.
-christy-