I didn’t even notice Gerard had left until a few minutes after he came back. It was almost noon, and I woke up with him trying to re-wrap himself in my arms. I smiled at him because it was adorable as hell.

“Good morning, Gee.” I said.

“Good morning.” He responded, yawning.

“Where’d you go?”

“Phone call. We don’t have to sneak around anymore, okay?”

My eyebrows furrowed. “Why not?”

“Lindsey dumped me for not answering the phone.” He laughed.

“Shit, that’s half my fault, huh?”

“It sure is, but I don’t regret it.”

I turned him over so that he would be facing me. “I love you.”

He giggled. “I love you too.”

“We should head over to Ray’s. He probably wants to do some secret santa shit since Christmas is in a week.”

“Ah fuck.” He groaned. “I forgot it was almost Christmas. I gotta buy something for Bandit.”

“Get her a small bass so she can play with her mom.” I joked.

We looked at the time, realizing band rehearsals were in 20 minutes, so we skipped showering and he threw on some of my clothes and we ran out the door, getting into the car and driving down the road. Gerard decided to put in a Bullets CD and I kind of wanted to tell him how weird and stoned we both were this entire CD.

“You were so stoned when I asked you to join MCR.” He joked.

“I remember that. I literally wasn’t sure if you were asking me or if I was just tripping balls.” I laughed.

We probably looked like maniacs. We were laughing and I’m pretty sure Gerard laughed so hard that he started crying.

Once we finally got to the studio, the guys were all there. Kind of staring at us.

“What the fuck were you two doing last night?” Mikey asked.

“We didn’t fuck.” Gerard stated.

“Then what the hell were you doing?” Ray asked.

“Lindsey dumped Gerard, and Frank’s got hickies all over his neck, so let’s safely assume there was kissing.” Mikey

“Did you seriously ditch us to make out?” Ray yelled.

“Perhaps…” I answered.

“Alright, just know that if you break up during a tour, there is no breaking this up. You broke it last time, Mikes and I should have a turn to decide.” Ray stated.

“I think we can manage.” I agreed. “Do we have artwork for the new album?”

“I have a book full of drawings. I’ll go get it.” Gerard beamed. He ran to his car which had remained at Ray’s house and grabbed his sketchbook. “Do you guys like this one?” He pointed to a drawing of two hands reaching out to each other but not being able to reach.

“I really like it.” Mikey commented.

“Yeah, it’s pretty cool.” Ray agreed.

“I think it’s perfect.” I stated. “What are we calling it?”

“You should decide, you’re the one who writes poems and shit.” Ray decided.

“Okay, so when are we announcing all this?” I asked.

“CD’s coming out in January, tour starts in February.” Mikey responded.

We sat around the basement for a while, making jokes and writing random shit. I tried coming up with a title, which eventually hit me.

“Can we call it ‘Hold Your Breath’?”

“Sounds good to me.” Gerard agreed.

---

After a few hours, we left Ray’s house. We had picked secret santas and done all the shit we’d always done in the band and I had to buy a gift for Mikey. Gerard went to sign a bunch of papers and get his things from Lindsey and I was going to let him stay with me. I still had most his stuff at the house since he never got it back from me. I sat on my couch flipping through the channels and feeling depressed as hell.

I wanted to get high, but I couldn’t and I hurt so bad. I wanted to cry, and I did. I couldn’t breathe right on my own. I felt like I couldn’t function properly. It had nothing to do with Gerard, it had everything to do with me. I felt so empty, like there was nothing there and my heart was empty of blood and emotion. I didn’t want to be alive, but I didn’t want to die and it was so painful. I decided to go to sleep instead of waiting for Gerard, and so I changed into a black t-shirt and took off my jeans, drifting to sleep briefly.

Notes

I'm feeling really sad and lonely sorry

Chapter title from Together Burning Bright by the Used.