Don't exist

Alone at last.....
Mum left for work 10 minutes ago. She has night shift, I feel bad knowing the mess I'll be in when she finds me will be a hard blow.

I run to my room and search for the shoe box laying under my bed filled with all my suicide letters and razors. I know I'm losing all my friends with what I was doing but enough is enough. This week my best friend Gerard even left me, the boy I had a crush on since the day we met in 7th grade... We had a big fight about my cutting and he just left... The only person who believed in me, that I would get better. I lay out all the letters... It's not that many but it's enough..
One for Ray.... I'll miss him the most I think, after all I've known him since 5th grade but he's strong he can handle it.
Another for Mikey. wishing him the best in his life.... He is the smartest of us all, he'll go far in life.
The one for my mother I lay on the night stand.
I lay the last letter down...
'For Gerard' it read. I remember exactly what I wrote... All my apologies, me bringing back memories,a friendship bracelet I once made for him and most important me confessing my love for him...

I decide to deliver it to his house. I quickly pull on a black hoodie, I don't bother with my shoes he only lives two houses away. I run to the front door and pull it open. The warm June air hits my face, I breathe in the smell. It's raining, only lightly. The best kind. I pull up my hood, leaving the door open on a hinge, I sprint up the street. I finally reach his house. I walk up to the porch. I breathe in deeply as the memories flood my mind of the day of out fight.

"Come inside!" Gee smiles wide. I shake my head
"no thanks... I.. uhh. I have things to do.." I lie not feeling in the mood to hang out.
"Frank, please?" He tugs my arm, I yelp in pain from my fresh cuts underneath my hoodiesleeve. He looks at me frighted that he hurt me. But then he realizes why it hurt. His eyes widen. He grabs my arm before I can pull away, he pulls up my sleeve revealing fresh cuts from the night before. Anger and hurt flashes in his eyes. He lets go of my arm letting it fall against my side again.
"Gee...." I try to apologies.
"Save it Frank!" he yells.
"But..." I get cut off
"No, Frank you promised! You fucking promised not to!" he screams, his black locks fall in front of his eyes. He turns away. I don't dare say a word. I just stand there, not knowing what to do.
He turns to me one last time.
"I don't wanna see you right now." He says calmly and turns away heading inside and slamming the door shut.
I feel my knees buckle but then I turn and run back home.


My knees become weak, tears stream down my face. He fucking hates me! I fall onto the porch, sobbing.
"Fuck." I mutter under my breath. After a moment I pull myself together. I stand up, whipping my nose on my sleeve. I quickly put the letter in the mail slot and ring the doorbell. I quickly flee from the scene, felling my bare feet against the wet concrete. I know this will be the last time I feel it. I stop right in front om my house taking it all in. scrunching my toes in the wet grass feeling the rain on my face.

After a minute I run inside the house. I stumble up the stairs to my room. I grab the box with my razors. I slowly walk across the hall to the bathroom. I turning the lights on. I look at my reflection. My hair is sticking to my face, my eyes are puffy.
I lay the box on the counter I pull a new razor out of it, I turn away from the mirror. I decide to lay in the bathtub.
I turn the water on cold, the water begins filling the tub, I don't mind the cold. It makes everything feel numb. My black skinny jeans begin to stick to my legs. the water is up to my shoulders. I turn off the tap and lay down again.

I pull up my sleeves.
The blade presses against my skin.
One.
Two.
Three.
Small red lines appear on my left wrist, crimson starts leaking from the wounds.
Time for the deeper cuts. I switch hands pressing the blade deeper into my skin
Four.
Five
Six, Seven, Eight.
That should do it..
I lay my head down looking at the water.
The crimson swirls are almost hypnotic.

I'm losing all my best friends, we were all hypocrites.
I'm losing all my best friends and I don't exist.
I don't exist.
I don't exist.
I don't exist.

I begin feeling light headed, I close my eyes.
But then I hear a gasp. My head jolts up, there standing in he door way is a wide eyed Gerard. I panic and dunk my head under water.
As quickly as I can I begin gulping in the tainted water until my lungs are filled with water..... Everything fades away. All the pain, all the names past bullies called me, ever ache ever cry. was like it never happened.
The last thing I hear is.
"Oh fucking hell you don't!"

~

There is no white light, no voice. Just a few images of the most important thing you had in your life...

Out of the nothingness someones softly screaming my name.

"Frank, doing you fucking dare!"
"You fucking dick!"
"If you die now! you will never know that I loved you too! SO FUCKING WAKE UP!"

I feel pounding on my chest, I can feel my lungs building up with pressure.
My eyes open, I see Gee is pounding on my chest. The water from in my lungs shoots out of my throat, I cough up the water onto my bed where I'm now laying.
"Fuck dude you scared me." he sighs in relief.
"w-why didn't you let me die.." My voice cracks. Tears begin streaming down my face.
He pulls me into his lap. Cradling me in his arms. I begin sobbing into his shirt. I never wanted him to see me like this... never.
He brushes is fingers through my wet locks. whispering sweet nothings in my ear.
After a while my breathing begins to even out I shiver from the cold wet cloths still sticking to my body. he speaks.
"I'm going to get you some dry cloths" He stands gathering a hoodie, dry boxers and sweatpants. After helping me put them on. He bandages my wounds, And starts to kiss them better.

He pulls me on top of him, laying back against the head board. I decide to break the silence.
"Why.... why didn't you let me die.." I ask quietly.
"If you'd die, I could have never told you I loved you.." he says calmly bruising the locks of hair out of my eyes.
"Y-you love me?" I manage to say.
"Of cores I do!"
"t-then why did y-you turn you're back on me?" I begin to sob again into his neck.
He cups my face gently, whipping the tears away with his thumb. I notice the bracelet from the letter on his wrist.

"I'm so sorry, I was angry. I should have never done that... Will you please forgive me?" He looks me deep in the eyes, I nod. He smiles.

He presses his lips against mine. It was a light but passionate kiss, the kiss I've been waiting for. not exactly how I wanted it... but that's alright. He deepens the kiss.
After a few moments he pulls away.

"Frank" he looks me deep int he eyes.
I nod.
"never do this again..." he pleads.
"I promise" I whisper
He presses soft kisses to my forehead. Then kissing the top of my head.
"I love you.." he mumbles in my hair.
"I love you too." I smile, the first time I smile in a while. And it was a genuine smile. I cling to him never wanting to let go. He tubs circles onto my back.
I fall asleep in his arms..

Notes