I stayed like that throughout the night. Alone, all alone. I watched as the night turned into a soft blue in the morning. I got up, looking into the mirror and seeing that my lip was slowly healing. I had dark rings on my eyes, nothing that make up couldn't cover up. I put the eyeliner on, smudging it just a bit. I walked out of the bathroom and too my window.

I had a good view of a bridge over a river, I sat down by my window and looked outside. It was the weekend, I didn't plan to leave my room at all. Not after yesterday, not after Gerard declared his hatred for me. A worthless piece of shit like me...

The more I stayed alone, the more my mind wandered. So many scenarios came into my mind, most of them being me trying to apologize to him. Every single one ended in another beating and an even more shattered heart.

Why did I have to fall in love with my brother, my flesh and blood... We shared the same blood, the same parents, the same everything. I held my head in my hands. I fucked up, I fucked up big time to him. I was a faggot like he said to me. a miserable piece of crap. He never loved me, he hates me.

I closed my eyes, I hated myself more than ever. Why should I even live if the only person I love hates me? Who wants me gone? I went to my drawer and grabbed a sharpener. I slammed it against the wall and it shattered the plastic encasing the blade. I took the blade out and just started slashing myself. I couldn't remember what happened next, but everything was red.

---

I swear I could hear someone calling my name. My eyes opened and I saw my brother. Oh no, he's going to finish me off. He's going to kill me. even though I had my glasses, my vision was blurry. I could see my arms, blood dried up, they were turning purple and dark with infection from the graphite that clung to the blade.

"I-I-I'm..s-sorry...I-I..I-I d-don't mean t-to be f-fucked up Gee..." I said hoarsely. "I-I..I-I still want t-t-too live..." I only hoped he let me. Please, let me live. Don't let me die, please. I know you hate me, just don't....

Gerard wrapped his arms around me and picked me up. He was saying something, I couldn't tell what it was. I was in so much pain. He got to the bathroom and closed the door. He started taking off my clothes.

No,No,No! Was he going too.... I couldn't imagine it.

He turned on the bath water and let the tub fill.

I felt tears run down my cheeks. "G-G-G-Gee... please...d-don't kill me... D-Don't...I-I'm s-sorry...I-I won't ever g-go in your room a-a-again... I-I w-won't s-say a-anything... p-please..." My own words seemed foreign in my ears. My voice was higher and coarse.

Gerard, he was saying something. He placed me in the water and I tried to fight against him. Was he going to drown me?! I kicked my legs and desperatly clawed at the sides of the tub.

"I'm not going to hurt you Mikey! Fuck, calm down I'm trying to help you!" Gerard yelled, it was right in my ear.

Wait...did I hear that right..

He wanted to help me?

Didn't he hate me, he called me a faggot...worthless... useless.. meaningless... he was lying to me just to make me trust him again. "L-L-Liar.." I cried.

Gerard then pushed me into the water, but kept my head up. He held my arms down in the water and the dried blood came off. it dyed the water a light pink. He, He wasn't drowning me.

Gerard was helping me... but why?

Oh god, I thought my own brother was trying to kill me. How could I? I was just one fuck up after another. "G-G-Gee..."

"Mikey... it's okay... I'm fucking sorry... I was.. god I don't know what the fuck I was..." Gerard said to me. His voice was soothing. He let my arms go, knowing I would keep them in the water. He reached his hand up and rubbed my cheek. "Dammit Mikey... Why... Why did you try to..."

I sniffled, "y-you said you hated me.... you're the only one I have Gee.... and you left me all alone... I'm a fuck up Gee.... I'm a living piece of trash..."

"Don't say that! I was wrong Mikes, I was so fuckin wrong. You're not worthless... I am. Hitting my own little brother and calling him the worst when all you did was look at my drawings..." Gerard pet me and kissed my forehead. He started to wash my body, it stung a bit but I didn't mind.

Once he finished bathing me, he put me in a snuggie and lifted the sleeves up. He put some healing cream on my arms, there was so many cuts. Gerard finished and pulled the sleeves down. I was in his skeleton snuggie, it was so warm and smelled like him.

"Mikey.... I won't do any drugs ever again... but stay with me, I can't do it alone." Gerard said to me, cupping my face with his hands.

"O-Of course"

He rested his forehead against mine. His lips so close, it took my all not to kiss him.

"You're the best little brother... You're my only one, and I won't loose you." He said as he grabbed my hand and led me to his room.

I followed him, I always had. I was his shadow practically. We laid in bed together, but it was as brothers. I knew we could never be more than that but I could imagine... I could imagine kissing him, and having him kiss back.

"Mikey, no matter what happens, promise me somethin..."



"What is it?"

"Don't ever do drugs, ever..."

I nodded, Gerard grabbed me like a doll and held me like before. I took a deep breath and relaxed, "Gerard.... do you hate me?"

"I could never hate you... that was the drugs talking... I'm jealous that I was never that good in school. And what I said about you being.. ya know.. That's cool with me. If ya like guys that's okay Mikes."

I smiled but it didn't last long, he was the only man I wanted. I just rested my head against his chest and fell asleep to his heartbeat.

Notes

Don't worry, I'll update in like an hour or two.

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