I crept into my brothers room, it was around 12 at night and I was scared to go to sleep. It didn't suprise me that he was up this late. Gerard was drawing one of his beautiful pictures and he turned to me.

"Uhh, what's up Mikes?" He asked. Gerard put down his pencil and turned to face me in his chair. He flipped over his drawing, sometimes he was protective over them.

"I'm.. scared to go to sleep alone... Can I sleep in here?" I asked softly. God, I hope he would let me again. I can't deal with those terrors.

"Yea, of course." Gerard said with a smile. "Don't mind the mess though, it's my personal dungeon after all." he laughed. He turned his back and went to drawing again. He leaned over it more, protecting it with what seemed like his life.

I laid on the bed, I set my glasses on the end table and covered myself up with his black blanket. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes.

Later in the night I woke up, not out of fear but because it was hot. I blinked a bit to gain my vision but I felt smothered. I remembered I was in my brothers bed, I looked up and he was holding me with a tight grip.I could feel his breath against my cheek and his hands gripping the back of my shirt. I couldn't understand why he was, but it's not like I didn't like it.

"mikey...." Gerard muttered in his sleep.

I sighed happily and fell back asleep.

---

I woke up in the morning, Gerard was sprawled out on the bed, no longer holding me. I sat up and wiped the sleep from my eyes before I put on my glasses. My vision straightened and I got off the bed. I was still curious what he had been drawing last night and tip-toed to his desk. I looked at the drawing and felt my cheeks heat up.

It was me, I recognized myself easily since I saw him draw me in his art style before. I was sitting against a tree and it looked like it was raining. He had so much talent, my eyes washed over the picture and I set it down. I looked at his other drawings and pushed some paper aside.

I saw something I had no idea Gerard would do. I looked at the little baggies, I recognized what they were. He was smoking weed, snorting cocaine?

"The fuck are you doing mikey!?" I heard Gerard practically yell.

Oh shit, he caught me. I turned around and bit my lip, "Wait G-Gerard I didn't..."

"Why the hell are you going through my shit!? I told you not to go through it and you fucking do it!" He was angry, I could see it in his eyes.

No no, please don't get mad at me. I can't handle this, not when I love you so much. "I-I just wanted to look at the dra-"

"Shut the fuck up!" He got up and shoved me against the wall. "You better not tell mom or dad about this, if you do..." Gerard was just so angry at me. "I let you fuckin sleep in my room and you snoop around! Get the fuck out!"

I breathed heavily, my anxiety rising. I couldn't find it in myself to speak or even move. I just watched as my brother raised his fist. In seconds I felt myself get knocked down, my cheek hurt so bad. I spat out blood and shook. Gerard... he punched me... He punched his own little brother. I couldn't see, my glasses were knocked off and everything was just a blur. I stretched my hand out desperatly trying to search for them but it was useless.

"I SAID GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY ROOM!" Gerard yelled. He grabbed me by my shirt and threw me out of the room. He slammed the door and then it was silent.

I managed to go back to my room and lay on the bed. He busted my lip, i could taste the iron of the blood on my tongue. I just wanted to look at his drawings... Did he hate me now? What worried me the most was that my mom and dad were out for work and it was just me and him. Gerard was doing drugs, things that could kill him. I made myself believe that's why he hit me.

That had to be it, didn't it? I heard Gerard blare music from his room. It was screamo shit that hurt my ears. I grabbed a spare pair of glasses from my drawer and washed my bleeding lip and disenfected it. I slumped against the door and called ray.

"Ray...."

"Yea, what's up mikes?" He said. Ray seemed happy.

"Gerard....Gerard punch me and threw me out of his room..."

"What? Fuck, why?"

I felt tears weld in my eyes. I hated I was such a crybaby when it came to things like this. "I-I.. was looking at his drawings... They are really good and I couldn't help myself... I pushed away some of them and found his drugs..."

"Gee is a druggie?"

"I-I guess so.... Ray I think he hates me... He busted my lip and he threatened me... I love him Ray, I don't want him to hate me..." I said in a shaky voice. I shut my eyes and shed a few tears. "He won't ever love me.... He'll probably think I'm disgusting..."

"No he won't. It's just the drugs getting to him. He loves you mikey, he always protects you. Don't tell your parents, he might do something stupid. Just wait it out, he'll come around..." Ray tole me.

I heard pounding on the door, "F-Fuck I-I have to go." I hung up quickly. I opened the door and saw Gerard there. He was still mad. "G-Gee?"

His nose was red, "Who the fuck was that?!"

"I-It was ray..."

"Did you tell him anything about what happened?"

Dammit, I couldn't lie. I nodded my head and closed my eyes.

"You little shit! You can't fuckin do anything right can you!? I bet you think you're all high and mighty but you're not! You know fuckin what, you're just a little closet faggot! You have nothing going for you because you can't do shit by yourself!"

I broke down in tears, "S-Stop i-it Gee...." I tried to cover my ears from him but he held my wrists with a grip so tight it felt like he would break them.

"You're a faggot! I hope someone beats the shit out of you! I hate you as my brother! You're worthless Mikey! Ya know what, mom didn't even plan to fuckin have you! It was an accident! You weren't meant to be fuckin born!" He than spat on my face.

I felt everything shatter, my whole world crumble. Is this what he thought of me? Was he right? I couldn't get myself to open my eyes. I couldn't say a word back to him, it would be wrong of me. He was all I had and now he hated my guts. He let go of me. I crumbled to the ground infront of his feet. I could hear him walk away from me, muttering cuss words.

I laid there, just in a ball. I didn't want to move, I didn't want to speak. I just kept there, gerards words repeating in my head over and over again. I fell asleep there.

I woke up screaming and crying, the terrors had returned to me. He banged my fists on the tile and sobbed. I crawled out of the bathroom and into my bedroom. I wrapped myself in a blanket and stayed awake for the rest of the night. I was alone again.

Notes

Being harsh about things...