Save Me

“Hey,” Someone pushed my shoulder, “Hey Gerard, wakey wakey.”
“Uhnnnn,” I rolled over from my back to my stomach and buried my face in my pillow.
“Come on you’ve been sleeping for 13 hours!” the person whined. “Fine, have it your way,” they said as they grabbed my blanket on the other side of me and yanked, forcibly rolling me out of it and onto the floor.
“Nooo, ow!” I grunted and looked up at my new arch enemy. Frank. I don’t remember—wait now I do. Fuck, why can’t I just go back to normal already?
“Because that wouldn’t fix anything,” Frank said, watching me sit up on the floor against my bed. He grabbed a bowl he had set down on the night stand next to him and joined me, “Here,” he said handing me the bowl, which I now saw was filled with my favorite cereal: chocolate rice krispies, or as we liked to call them, black rice krispies, fo shizzle they fizzle. ‘Was that offensive?’ I thought as I recollected the memory of us joking about that when we were just 14. Oh, the glory of ignorance.
He smirked at my unsaid comment, agreeing that we probably shouldn’t say that one out loud anymore. Other than that we didn’t talk much as I ate. I wasn’t really in a talking mood; besides I was too busy listening to my cereal tell me all its secrets in a series of pops and crackles.
“Okay,” I said, reaching up to the miniature table to set my newly empty bowl of cereal down once again.
“So, I guess we start talking now. Why did you do it?” he asked, referring to my life-ending decision.
“Don’t you already know?” I asked, really wanting to not get into this topic. It was like when I was a kid and did something bad and my mom tried to talk to me about it and explain how it was wrong but instead of listening I just insisted that I knew it was bad and I’d never do it again.
“Yes I know, but you still need to talk about it, out loud.”
I sighed, feeling the nervousness boil up in my gut, “I felt hopeless. I assumed that nothing would ever be good enough to make up for everything I would have to go through. I mean really what’s the point of life? And every time I saw something or someone saying ‘oh, it gets better, just hold on,’ but how could they possibly know that? How could one ever guarantee such a thing; we are blind as far as the future goes, for all we know it could get so much worse. And I don’t want to be like those people who say, ‘well why not kill myself, no one would miss me anyway,’ because that’s a lie, a really fucking stupid lie. OBVIOUSLY people would miss you. So then why did I do it when I was perfectly aware of that? I would die for the people I love, but I don’t want to live for anyone but myself and if I’m feeling that hopeless that I look into the future and just can’t imagine anything that would make me happy enough to want to stay on this world then I might as well quit while I’m ahead.”
He nodded at my rant, expressing a look of sadness and shock and a little bit of annoyance on his face, “Okay, but about those people who say ‘it gets better’: they were once where you are now. They wanted to end their lives and had no hope and all that stuff just like you. But they pushed on, for whatever reason, and now ten years later they have all this joy and happiness from families or lovers or anything else and they couldn’t imagine a life without it. And I know, there’s no guarantee that that happens to everyone, after all it doesn’t happen for everyone, but what they mean when they say ‘it gets better’ isn’t that you should stop the depressing and suicidal thoughts and just wait for everything to get better because it absolutely without a doubt will, they mean that you should grant yourself a little hope for the possibility that it will. For all the things that could happen. Think about the crazy coincidence that you are where you are and be glad about it. Be glad that you got yourself to a place where you can control yourself. You can stop anything that you don’t want to happen; you can start anything that you do want to happen, and of course that shouldn’t fill you up with hot air that everything will be perfect in the future, but it would hopefully give you a little bit of hope, once again, for what could happen,” his rant was even longer than mine.
Somewhere in the middle of that, something clicked. I don’t know, it’s not like everything magically became happy again, but something was different. It certainly made me feel a lot guiltier about my suicidal thoughts than any one of those times I saw the whole aforementioned ‘it gets better’ thing. It was really nice seeing someone be so passionate about this, caring so much, just for me.
“So that’s that, for a start,” he said, “now, obviously we can’t full on control the future but you can do some things now that will alter some of the doubt for it. I guess the only thing that really makes up for life is love, whether it be for people or things or activities or whatever the hell else,” that’s what I thought! He nodded, however guessing that when I thought that, I was most likely as depressed as ever, he continued: “You know why? Because it’s that love that brings you the happiness you search for. It shouldn’t be something you deny, it should be something you thrive on.”
Sometimes it’s better to deny though, sometimes it’s better to forget your feelings.
He frowned, “no, if anything you should deal with your feelings, not forget about them.”
I looked him straight in the eye, remembering the exact feelings that I forced away about him a few years earlier, then looked down at my lap and blushed, slightly.
“Gerard? I mean I know anything on the topic of love isn’t something we ever really talked about, but I’m your best friend, I won’t judge you or anything like that.”
I remembered sophomore year when I had just gotten over my crush for the sake of preserving our friendship when Frank started going out with that girl, Jamia. It was really hard for me, that couple of months they dated, but luckily it was only a couple of months. For some reason, it didn’t work out, (he wouldn’t tell me why) but I think they ended on good terms and they are even still friends today. Frank does have more friends than me, he even had an actual good reputation at school, unlike me, but he was always my best friend, and I was always thankful for that.
Oh god. I forgot he can hear what I was thinking, my face burned as I quickly took a look at him and seeing that he had a rather surprised look on his face I proceeded to bury my face in my arms. Oh god.
“Gerard….” He began
I lifted my head up but didn’t meet his eyes, “it was stupid, I—I’m over it now. I don’t—well I don’t really know. Umm,” I ran my fingers through my hair and looked at him, “I got over it.”
“I—I always heard the rumors but I assumed they weren’t true, I didn’t know you, you—” he struggled with his words. What are you trying to say?! “I didn’t know you actually swung that way!”
Really? Well that’s my clueless Frankie for ya. I mean I thought it was kind of obvious.
Both of our faces were a nice shade of incredible crimson right now.
“Well I don’t know. Oh Jamia, right,” his embarrassment quickly changed into excitement, for some reason, “Oh this is perfect actually!”
What?
“No really, maybe this can be the start of your hope!”
“Umm, you wanna maybe collaborate on that?” I questioned.
“Okay. Remember what I said: forcing down your feelings is bad. Maybe you should try embracing them,” he said, like that explained it all.
“Oh Frankie, I love you, my sweet Frankie,” I said, sarcastically following his orders.
“No! That’s not what I mean, not to me, to Frank! The actual Frank in the actual world.”
“Yeah, well, that wouldn’t really fix anything, it would just make things really uncomfortable and awkward,” I answered
“Yes, but awkward in a cute way.”
“What?”
“Never mind. Look, there are things I can’t tell you, I just have to try to guide you, I mean, imagine if you were going out with Frank,” he suggested.
“Um, well actually that’s one thing in particular I try not to do now, sooo,” I answered.
“Just do it, you know you want to.”
For a moment I did imagine such a world where Frank was mine and I was his, but considering I have somewhat of a clone of him sitting right next to me, it was too weird.
“Oh, come on. Just imagine being his boyfriend, going to prom with him, or ditching prom to go see a movie where you can hold his hand and he can lay his head on your shoulder. Imagine one day after graduating high school or college or whatever when you feel so nervous because that day is the day you’ve been thinking about for months, the day you propose to spend the rest of your lives together. Imagine your wedding where all eyes are on you but your eyes are all on him. Growing old together, living a long, happy life. Imagine all the nervousness and awkward tension turning into the best moments of your life,” he said.
Well that was graphic. And weird. And now I think I love Frank once again, god I want that life with him. “Why? How does any of that help me? It’s not like the real Frank would ever feel the same way.”
“You don’t know that,” he smiled.
“What do you mean, he—“
“What I mean is you don’t know. And besides, that was just an example, maybe Frank won’t be the person you spend the rest of your life with, but now you know how it would feel if he were, because you love him. And if Frank doesn’t reciprocate those feelings then think about how you will probably move on and think about someone else that same way. This can be your hope for the future, that’s what I mean,” he said.
I don’t want to think about that future with anyone but Frank, though.
“You might not have to. That’s why you can’t ever force away your feelings for something.”
“Why do you keep saying I might not have to, I think it’s pretty obvious I will have to, he’s straight,” I said solemnly.
“I think we already established today that sometimes the assumptions we make are wrong. I’m not saying anything, but it’s always good to keep an open mind about things. Even if there is a possibility that it could go wrong. But that’s the thing about possibilities, you take the bad with the good. Just, try to not feel guilt for the things you love, okay?”
No promises, I thought. Maybe I was supposed to feel really uncomfortable now, but seeing that this Frank wasn’t uncomfortable at all, I was a little calmer than usual.
He stood up and said he’d be right back and I continued sitting there in some form of confusion and shock.
So, Frank. As mine.
It definitely helped that no one else was around to think about stuff like this.
God, he’s cute, I thought, being able to let that slip out now that ‘he’ wasn’t sitting right next to me.
That was quite awkward. He is too adorable for his own good, I thought as recollected every other awkward moment we had shared.
I guess this whole ‘letting my thoughts roam freely’ thing was still weird to me, but I tried.
I spent the next several moments thinking about him when I remembered something: why was actual Frank acting so weird in the past few days of actual life?
Surly it couldn’t be because….

Notes

welp theres not much to say.
I don't really know exactly where im going with this fic but I have some ideas, I don't think its gonna be a very long one though.
kay see ya next time!