You're Not In This Alone

I wake up with a warm solid body pressed to my back and an arm wrapped securely around my waist and I begin to think that maybe it was all just some really fucked up nightmare but when I open my eyes I see the demolished state of my room and I let out a small whimper as I feel all the hurt and sadness and anger flood through me again. "Shh, it's ok Rubes" Pa whispers behind me and I roll over in his arms, burying my face in his neck while I start to cry again. "He's gone daddy" I whine pathetically as I soak his neck and tshirt and he doesn't say anything, just pulls me closer into his chest and rubs my back soothingly, letting me cry it out again while I clench my fists in the front of his shirt and cling to him. A few minutes later my tears stop and I let out a soft hiccup before pulling away and Pa reaches out and gently strokes my hair back as we lay there looking at each other. "How about you hop up and have a hot shower huh? It'll make you feel a little better and then you and me can go get some breakfast somewhere? Pancakes and coffee at the diner?" He offers, knowing that's my favourite. I nod slightly, sitting up before climbing out of bed and picking my way across the room through the debris of what used to be my stuff, stopping to get clean clothes on the way. Once I get into the bathroom I start the water and while I'm waiting for it to heat up I undress before walking over to the cabinet, catching sight of my swollen, dark purple lower face and my busted bloody lip. I feel my eyes well with tears again and I quickly open the cabinet, unable to look any longer. I dig through, finding my hidden razor before walking over and stepping into the shower, relaxing under the hot spray as I slide down the wall, sitting on the floor, playing with the razor in my hand. I think about it for a few minutes before I press the razor into my upper thigh near the crease at the top of my leg, feeling the weight of it against my skin for a moment before pressing harder and breaking the skin, watching the blood pool out as I drag it across, making the cut wider before pulling it back and hissing at the burning sting I haven't felt in some time now. I drop the razor on the floor and just stare at the blood flowing from my leg, watching it run down the side of my leg and swirl with the water going down the drain, the vivid red standing out against the white tiles. I tilt my head back against the wall and close my eyes, just letting myself bleed for a few minutes before I reopen them and look down, seeing the flow has stopped and I stand up, feeling my leg protest a little, and wash myself before climbing out and drying off. I grab some gauze and medical tape, covering my
cut before I get dressed, grabbing my razor and rehiding it and I leave the bathroom, going back to my bedroom which has been tidied while I was gone. My bedside table is back in its place and all the broken glass is gone from the floor and as I turn to leave the room again Pa is standing in the doorway, fully dressed and ready to go. "Come on" he says as he offers his hand to me and I take it, leaving the apartment with him after slipping my phone into my pocket, a small part of me still hoping Ryan will call. We walk down the street to the diner and I feel every pair of eyes on the street focused on my face and I lower my head, staring at the ground and letting my hair fall around my face. Once we're seated and the waitress takes our order, with a lot more staring Pa reaches out across the table and gently cups my chin, tilting my head up and saying "Don't hide your beautiful face." I open my mouth to say something but the words get stuck in my throat as I notice who's sitting three booths away, Ryan and Brendon with two girls. I feel a new wave of hurt go through me as well as betrayal and I feel so stupid for letting him in and not listening to the girl at school. "Ruby what's..." Pa starts to ask as he turns his head and follows my line of vision, seeing what I'm seeing. Even though it's killing me inside I can't seem to look away and when Pa looks back at me he reaches out and touches my cheek gently, snapping my attention back to him. "Do you wanna go baby girl?" I shrug before shaking my head as I say "It's ok." "Ruby, sweety we can go." Just as I'm about to speak again the waitress comes back with our pancakes and when she leaves to grab our coffee I say "Guess we have to stay now." Pa reaches out and squeezes my hand that's resting on the table before pulling back and we start eating in silence. By the end of the meal I badly need to use the bathroom but in order to get there I would have to walk past their table and I would rather wet myself than do that. Pa is just finishing up his pancakes when I look over and see the girl sitting next to Ryan slump into his side and rest her head on his shoulder, nuzzling her face in his neck and I feel my pancakes coming back up as humiliation and regret course through me and I stand from the table, having no choice now as I run towards the bathroom, both Ryan and Brendon looking up at me as I run past and I briefly see Ryan's eyes widen when he sees me but I don't stop, barely making it into the ladies bathroom and into a stall before my pancakes leave my mouth, my stomach clenching painfully as I continue to gag and vomit for a few minutes until I have nothing left. I stand up and slump back against the wall, panting for breath when I hear the door open and a female voice calls out "Ruby?" I slowly compose myself before flushing the toilet and stepping out of the stall and walking to the sink, ignoring the girl standing in the bathroom staring at me. I start to rinse my mouth out and splash water on my face as she approaches me and says "Ruby" again and I snap, turning my face towards her as I say "What do you want?" "I'm Sarah, I'm Brendon's girlfriend. Ryan and Bren asked me to come see if you were ok." My mouth drops open in disbelief before I scoff at her and say "Just go back to them, I don't need anyone's help." "Ryan really cares about you" she says and I shake my head, unable to look at her anymore and I drop my gaze to the sink before I say "Yeah I see that, that's why he took off last night and left me and promised to call this morning and didn't and then came to a diner with another girl. I'm not stupid Sarah, I just think he could have atleast had the decency to break up with me officially but I guess once he got what he wanted it didn't matter to him anymore. Tell him I said if he uses my painting in his show I'll sue him." Sarah stares at me wide eyed before saying "She's not with him, there's nothing happening between them, just so you know." "Yeah cause friends cuddle like that, I saw how they were together, I've been seeing it for the last half hour now, don't insult me." Sarah sighs before saying "Look he really does have very strong feelings for you and I think you guys should talk, he wants to talk to you." I don't respond to her and she leaves the bathroom, calling out "I hope you feel better soon" over her shoulder and I turn the tap off, taking a shaky breath to steady myself before walking out of the bathroom and seeing the emergency exit just down the hall. I decide in that moment that I can't face him again so I walk down and push it open, stepping out into the alley beside the diner and pulling my phone out, calling pa and telling him I'm outside. A few minutes later he comes out, looking around before spotting me and we walk down the street towards home again.

When we get home dad is gone to work and pa tells me he's taking the day off and I shrug before walking back into my room and laying on my bed before I catch a whiff of Ryan on the sheets and I scream out as I stand up and start tearing them off, pa running in to see what's happening. "Hey hey baby girl it's ok" he tells me softly as he gently wraps his arms around me and pulls me back from the bed. "I'll do it" he tells me, letting me go and stripping the sheets and pillowcases from the bed and carrying them from the room, returning with clean ones and making the bed for me again while I stand to the side and cry. Once he's done he guides me to lay in bed, pulling the blanket over me and kneeling on the floor beside the bed and gently stroking my hair as he sings to me like he used to when I was little and I close my eyes, letting it lull me back to sleep. I sleep on and off all day and when I wake up in the late afternoon someone is in the bed behind me cuddling me and keeping me warm and I roll over expecting it to be pa but I come face to face with Ryan.

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