You're Not In This Alone

Once we finish our cigarettes we make our way back to the front of the store and Dad goes over to Matt and says "Hey I'm gonna take Ruby home, you alright to lock up?" Matt nods before shooting me a smile and I smile back as I grab my bag, slinging it over my shoulder. Dad comes back and grabs his jacket before we leave the store together. Once we're on the street we start heading towards home before he says "I'm starving, what do you want for dinner?" I think for a minute before realising we're a block from my favourite Indian restaurant. "Indian?" I ask and he smiles and grabs my hand, pulling me in that direction. Once we have our takeout food we head home and as we walk in the door I can hear the tv playing low, meaning my other dad is already home. I walk into the living room after dumping my bag and shoes at the door and he looks up, smiling at me from the couch but his smile soon drops. "Hey Pa" I greet him and he stands up, walking over and cupping my face in his hands, turning my head to see the spot where one of the girls fists landed. "Oh Rubes" he sighs out before pulling me into his arms, like dad did at the store. Just then dad walks into the room with the takeout and some spoons and pa pulls away and says "Frank did you see this?" Dad nods his head and sends him a look, telling him to drop it and I am thankful he gets it.

After dinner dad and pa cuddle up on the couch and watch tv while I leave the room, going into the bathroom and stripping naked, looking at my body in the mirror and focusing on everything I hate before I can't stand it any longer and I turn my back on the mirror, starting the shower and stepping in. Once I've washed myself I sink down to the floor under the hot spray, pulling my knees to my chest and feeling my skin crawling with disgust for myself. I stand and step out of the shower, grabbing my hidden razor from the cupboard before stepping back into the shower, pressing the blade into my side, letting the blood flow, swirling with the water going down the drain. I make three small cuts before I feel better and I get out of the shower, drying off and covering my cuts before dressing again. I'm heading into my room when I hear pa call out my name. I walk into the living room and he pats the couch next to him. I sit down and he takes hold of my hand and says "Are you ok baby girl? You were in there for a while." "I'm fine pa" I tell him and he leans over to hug me, pressing right against my cuts and I try my best not to wince in pain. When we pull apart I kiss his cheek and tell him I'm going to bed, getting up and going into the kitchen for a bottle of water. Dad is in there doing the dishes and he turns when he hears me come in. "Hey beautiful, what are you doing?" "Just getting a drink and going to bed." He nods and turns back to his dishes. I grab my water from the fridge before crossing the room and wrapping one arm around his waist. "Night dad." "Goodnight baby girl" he says and I scowl behind his back, wishing he would stop calling me that. I go into my room and crawl into bed, turning the main light off and turning my lamp on. I grab my laptop and turn it on, logging into Skype and seeing my girlfriend online. 'Hey babe' she types and I smile as I say hi back. 'How was your day?' She asks and I tell her all about the beating I took. 'I was gonna tell my dad's today but I just couldn't find the words : (' 'Hey baby don't stress about it. There's no pressure, you can tell them about us whenever you're ready.' 'They don't even know I'm gay and I know it's stupid considering but....I'm scared to tell them.' 'You should never be scared to be who you are.' 'I know' I type back, suddenly feeling an overwhelming urge to cry. 'Im really tired, talk tomorrow?' 'Of course, I'll meet you after school?' I can't, tomorrow is my night with my dad. We can hang out Saturday?' 'Sure thing : ) goodnight baby.' 'Goodnight' I type before logging out and turning my laptop off, sitting it on the bedside table and settling under the covers, burying my face in my pillow as I cry. I'm almost asleep when I hear the door open and someone sneaks into my room, sitting on the edge of the bed and gently stroking my hair back from my face. I keep my eyes closed and my breathing even when they lean in and press a soft kiss to my forehead before I hear pa whisper "I love you baby girl. I wish I could do something to make it better." I feel my bottom lip start quivering again and I try so hard to not cry and let him know I'm still awake and he stands, tucking me in and leaving the room. My tears start falling again and I cry myself to sleep.

Notes