Troubled [Frerard]

The day dragged on and on. Frank just wanted to get the day over with, then go straight to sleep. Unfortunately, he couldn’t. Instead, he was sitting in the psychologists waiting room trying to distract himself from the heaviness of his eyes. He observed the room, taking in the modern art hung on the walls. It wasn’t particularly interesting, but all the art and displays on campus were classical portraits. All except for these ones.

The white and aged door suddenly swung open, and behind it stood a young man, about 5’7 with messy dark- almost black, hair. His hand pushed the fallen to the side of his face as he greeted Frank with a smile. “You must be Frank,” he said, taking a stride towards the boy who was awkwardly sitting in the seat, not sure if he should stand or not. “I’m Doctor Way, but please call me Gerard. Or Gee.” he extended his hand. Frank took his hand and gave it a shake, but Gerard unexpectedly pulled Frank from his seat. “Come on in.” Gerard instructed, holding the door open for Frank.

Frank pulled his hand away from the doctor, and entered the room. Directly to his left was a pea-green couch- not like anything he’d seen in those movies where the protagonist had gone crazy and he’d had to see a shrink and lie down on one of those weird couch chairs, no. This one was plainly a sofa. Even closer to Frank on his left was a white, square table with a jug of water and three cups. Frank walked in front of the couch and turned his head to Gerard looking for approval to sit. The door clicked shut and Gerard watched from the corner of his eye. He flicked his hair and nodded in approval. Frank quietly sat on the couch expectantly.

Gerard pulled a wheely chair from the desk which was in the opposite corner of the room- to the right. He took a seat in front of Frank and let out a long exhale. “What an exhausting day.” Gerard sighed. “Do you want a cup of water?” he raised his eyebrow, raising his finger that was resting on his knee to the glasses on the square table.

“No thank you.” Frank squeaked shly. His hands sat in his lap uncomfortably, along with the rest of his intentionally tense body. Frank was nervous, but refused to admit it. It didn’t help that he found his psychologist extremely attractive either. Now he was beginning to question his sexuality when he’d only known this guy for ten seconds flat.

“So Frank,” Gerard said leaning forward in his seat, placing his finger tips together. “I’ve read why they sent you to me, they told me what they think happened. But what I want to know is what’s really going on.”

Frank squirmed uncomfortably, unsure of what to say. He wanted to look anywhere but Doctor Way’s face. He usually wasn’t this shy around people, and the fact he was being shy made him even more shy to the point where he couldn’t talk. He physically felt words getting caught in his jaw, unable to slither their way onto his tongue.

“Well, if you don’t know what’s going on, I’m going to try and help you find out. If that’s okay with you.” Gerard smiled, leaning onto the backrest. “You see Frank, they could only tell me so much about you. So do you mind if we play a little game to get to know each other better?” he asked.

Frank nodded and an amused smile laced the doctors lips. “Do you talk, or are you just uncomfortable talking to me?” Gerard teased.

“I talk, I’m just nervous.” Frank choked, stifling a cough from the unexpected amount of saliva that became apparent when he opened his mouth.

A surprised look flashed through Gerard’s eyes so quick, Frank barely caught it. “Don’t be. I’m only here to help you. You can ask me a question now, and so forth.” Gerard replied with a lazy half smile.

“How old are you?” Frank asked softly, not wanting it to come out harshly. Doctor Way looked young, or younger than any other staff member on the campus.

“Twenty-two. Do you have any siblings?” Gerard spoke, unphased. Frank processed there was a five year age gap in between then, then mentally slapped himself. ‘Like it matters...’ he thought to himself.

“No, one child is enough for my mother to handle.” Frank chuckled, watching as Gerard’s face lit up when he smiled at the joke. “Why do I have to see you every day?”

“It was decided by the Sisters, your parents and myself- given what we thought the issue was.” Gerard answered. Frank cringed at ‘parents’. It was parent. Singular not plural. No way did he consider that douche bag which his mother adored a father.

“You don’t seem outstandingly angry, Frank. Why do you think you snapped at your roommate the other day?” Gerard asked after a moments silence.

“I was having a bad day. I promise it won’t happen again.” Frank said routinely, his gaze dropping to the floor in false guilt. This was his chance to get out of the therapy sessions. It was the open window that he was about to jump out of.

“You kept hitting him.” Gerard stated, not taking his eyes away from Frank. His eyes were intense and full of concern for the boy sitting in front of him. “After you knocked him out, he was gone. But you kept hitting him, Frank.”

That was true, but it wasn’t a big deal to Frank. He simply brushed it off, because he was angry. He flicked his gaze up to meet the doctors again. “That is why you’re here Frank. The Sisters and your mother are concerned that it runs deeper than you just being angry at your roommate.” Gerard explained, tapping his pointer fingers together.

“I won’t bring up that incident until you’re ready to talk about it.” Gerard stated, his eyes softening as they looked away from Frank’s eyes to just Frank. “What do you want to be when you’re older?”

Frank knew the answer to that, but he was afraid to say it. It forced itself up his throat like vile vomit but got stuck at the tip of his tongue. Gerard looked at him patiently, like he didn’t care how much time would pass- as long as he got the answer out of Frank. “I don’t know.” Frank lied, shrugging his shoulders.

“Nothing at all? You seem like one of those punks, you know? The ones all the girls love.” Gerard smiled. Frank didn’t smile though. He wasn’t a punk and girls did not love him. Not that he would have noticed anyway, he never really payed much attention to the girls when he met them.

Frank opened his mouth to say what he really wanted to be, but shut it after a second. It was morbid. There was no way he’d be able to stop coming to the sessions if he said it. “Don’t ever be afraid to speak in here, Frank. I’m just letting you know that everything that happens in this room is confidential, between you and me.” Gerard assured the boy.

Frank nearly hit himself for the thoughts that came to mind at that second. He never thought himself to be immature but the explicit images that Frank had pictured of himself in Gerard in complete confidentiality were not the normal heart-to-heart councillor talking images.

“What were you going to say?” Gerard laughed lightly, tilting his head to the side slightly.

“Dead.” Frank replied, letting the answer roll of his tongue naturally before he’d even realised he’d said it. His mind was elsewhere, it took him moments to realise what he’d said. Gerard’s reaction was surprise and shock, which was shortly followed by sympathy. Frank didn’t want sympathy though, he just wanted to go back to his dorm and sleep. Just sleep.

“You’re a good kid, Frank. I’ve seen your school reports- you’re extremely capable. You’re well mannered, besides the incidents which brought you to me. You play guitar, you volunteer at shelters and help out in the school library. Why would someone as excelling- exemplary even, want to be dead?” Gerard asked calmly, raising an eyebrow.

Frank took another few moments to process what Gerard had said. All of it had been true, but Frank thought of himself as never being good enough. All that was nothing compared to other people, it made him feel insignificant.

“I like you Frank. I don’t want you dead.” Gerard whispered, leaning front in his chair.

***

After the session ended, Frank went to his dorm and Gerard went to his quarters. Frank went to sleep and Gerard wrote down key points about Frank. Dead. The word echoed in Gerard’s head. Frank was quiet, he’d seen him in the library before, gently pressing a pen to his lip as he read from a text book. Roughly shaking his hair after he’d gotten a drink from the water fountain. Flicking his head to the side to get the long lock of hair out of his eyes while he was tying his shoelace. Gerard had noticed Frank, but never had it ever crossed his mind that such a fascinating person like that would want to be dead.

“I don’t want you dead Frank.” Gerard spoke to the nobody which inhabited the air. “Please don’t ever die. It’d kill me.” A hollow feeling creeped its way into Gerard’s chest, the thought of losing a patient. Knowing someone and then having them gone forever. He hadn’t felt that hollowness since the passing of his grandmother. ‘Frank isn’t dead though.’ Gerard reminded himself.

Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead. It’s all Gerard could hear. It was getting late and he couldn’t sleep. He stared at the ceiling from his bed. He’d had many other patients, a lot saying they wished they were dead, but none of them quite affected him like this. His eyes shifted the pack of cigarettes on the nightstand as he groaned in defeat and singled one from the box, placed it between his teeth and lit it. He let the burning of his lungs calm his soul down. Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead.

Notes