Gerard‘s P.O.V

Finally another day of school is finished. I made my way down the bustling hallway; narrowly missing an airborne bag that soared passed my face. An abnormally large herd of kids came into view. I rolled my eyes at the stupidity that seemed to come with being a jock, before returning to my thoughts. His words kept repeating in my mind. ‘You’ll never be good at anything. It’s no wonder why nobody likes you; you’re just an emo fag that thinks the world is out to get them. You’re lucky me and your mother let you live here. Not even your own brother likes you, he just feels sorry for his pathetic older brother.’ The words flowed through my mind like water, mixing with my deepest fears and insecurities. A familiar metallic flavour began seeping into my mouth, reminding me of the pulse coming from my busted lip. I quickly fished out a tissue from my back pocket, pressing it against my lip. Another massive group of kids came into view, this one being surrounding a familiar mop of hair. Ray stood with his back to the lockers and his arm slung lazily around my brothers shoulders, as he smiled down at him. Everyone always flocked to Ray, but for some reason he preferred to just hang out with Mikey than to be swept up with the popular crowed like the rest of the school seemed to want to be. I slipped pass the group remanning unseen, Mikey’s going to Ray’s after school anyway so there’s no point drawing their attention to me.

My mind drifted back to my dad. He’ll be at the bar so I have the house all to myself. I reached my locker diving through the steady stream of people, feeling there hate filled glares sear into my back as I pushed past. I shifted books around in my locker looking for my missing sketch book. It was strange ‘cause I remember packing it but I can’t find it anywhere. I couldn’t go much longer without drawing. ‘Hey Faggot!” a voice yelled out from behind me.
I turned slowly growling under my breath, James. I recognised him instantly with his dark hair and piercing blue eyes. He’s the quarter back on the football team and the most popular guy at school. James has been picking on me ever since the party last summer, my stomach lurched at the memory. The only reason I went was because mum was worried that I had no friends. Long story short everyone was really drunk which lead to James and I having a one night stand that we both regretted. James made sure nobody found out so he went back to Mr. Popular while I just went back to being the gay quite freak. The only difference being that my small amount of confidence was now obliterated and the rest of the school seemed to realise it.

“Oi, Way I’m talking to you.” James said pushing me into the locker. My mind had started wondering making miss James’ uninspiring words. He pinned me to the locker, a malicious glint in his eye. Nails dug into my shoulders almost piercing the skin. My breath puffed in short panicked gasps as I looked for different ways to escape, my paralysed mind not giving me any options. Everyone had abandoned the hallway leaving me, James and his two best friends Hank and Josh. Realising there weren’t any other way to escape I began to beg, hoping against all odds that they would take pity.

“Please.” I whispered to him, my voice cracking slightly. “Don’t do this.” A small smile spread across his lips as he took pleasure in my vulnerability.
“What do you think boys? Should I let the fag go?” He mocked which was met with “no’s” all around.

James raised his clenched fist, before I could move it came down hard on my jaw snapping my head back into his locker. His knee smashing into my groin seconds later. I collapsed on the floor, my eyes squeezed shut trying not to groan in pain as they laughed at me. A crack reached my ears as I felt his hard toed shoe connecting with my ribs. One last painful blow before I heard the laughter fading down the hall.

I lay on the floor waiting for the pain to ease, last night’s dream floating through my mind. Grandma was right. There all out to get me, nobodies on my side. I open my eyes letting the green hallway flood my vision. My hands connected with the filthy floor as I attempted to stand up, my ribs screaming in protest at the sudden movement. I grabbed my bag and ran out the door, ignoring the sharp pain in my side.

I listen to my slow footfalls as I make my way home. Each one seeming to push the little hope I had left deep down and out of my reach. Images of me going to my draws and taking out the sharp blades that were begging to be dragged across my scarred pale skin poisoned my mind. I longed to see the crimson liquid running down my arms, feel the bite of the blade. Right then an image of Mikey came into my mind; my brother, my only friend. I promised him, I couldn’t let him down like that. I sighed passing my empty house, not trusting myself to be strong enough to resist the craving.

I turned down the alley way picking up my speed. I was always frightened someone would follow me when I came down here, especially these last few weeks. I’ve just kept having this strange feeling that I’m being watched. It’s stupid; nobody cares about me enough to waste their time following me.

I wended through the densely packed trees only stopping when I see the small bridge that would take me to the other side of the river. To grandmas Weeping Willow tree. I remember sitting on her lap as she told me how that tree was the only one whose branches reached to heaven and roots to hell. She said it mourned for the bad people’s sins and the life the good people lost. She spoke for hours about how it’s the portal between our world and the afterlife, where ghosts come to make peace with their death.

I turn away from the bridge not yet ready to face the overwhelming emotion that would come from being in my grandmas favourite place. Instead I find a nice tree settling myself against its sturdy trunk. I pull my legs up to my chest rapping my arms tightly around my legs and resting my chin on my knees. I look up at the magnificent tree, its branches swaying in the wind. I understand why grandma liked this tree so much. As a kid she would visit it daily. Nobody understood how she could be so attached to a tree.

When she was still alive we’d sit in her room admiring her painting of the tree for hours. She gave it to me in her will but for some reason I can’t bring myself to hang it up. I think having it in my room would prove she was gone and I wasn’t ready to face that.

I brushed my hair behind my ear wincing when I touched my jaw. A stick snapped alerting me to the approaching person. A teenage boy about the same age as me was coming over to me. He had dark brown hair hiding his face, with shaved white down the sides. He stopped a meter in front of me settling onto his knees, a concerned look on his face as his eyes drilled into me. I could swear they were swirling, luring me in, his black eyeliner only making them more hypnotic. The wind curled around him enticing me even more as the scent of cigarettes and something else I couldn’t quite put my finger on reached me.

“Are you okay?” he asked voice laced with worry, not breaking eye contact.

“You’re the first person to ask me that in over a year.” I murmured not trusting my voice to stay even. It’s the truth, nobody had any need to, and it was obvious I was fucked up. I started crying, my warm tears running paths down my face. Before I knew what was happening the boy was holding me in his arm, rubbing my back as I tried to compose myself. I pulled away, embarrassed that I had cried on a strangers shoulder. “Sorry about that.” I blushed wiping away the rest of my tears.

“I should go.” I announce getting up before he could reply. “No! I uh, mean do you wanna talk about what’s bothering you?” He said nervously playing with his hair. “You look like you could use a friend.” He finished off looking slightly nervous. I chewed on my lip thinking about his offer. May as well, it would be nice to have some company for once. “Sure” He glanced up with a look of surprised. “Okay, let’s go and get a coffee, my treat.” He said jumping up and starting his way back to civilisation, looking back to make sure I was following.

We had been walking in silence, him waiting for me to open up a bit. “I don’t know where to start.” I admit as I noticed his expecting stare.

“How about you go from the beginning?” He prompted. I took huge breath before starting.

“My grandma just passed away and it’s made me really depressed, she was the only one that’s ever fully understood me.” I stopped there expecting the usual ‘oh I’m sorry’ but he had different ideas. “Is that really the beginning? You said your grandma was the only one that truly understood you. What about the rest of your family? Tell me what there like.” He sounded like a psychiatrist which through me off for a second. “Ah well, there my younger brother Mikey. He’s pretty much my only friend. My mum who has been nothing but loving and Dad….” I trailed off not sure what to say about my father. “What about your Dad?” He asked pinpointing the problem. “Ah well…” I trailed off again becoming uncomfortable.
“Does he abuse you?” He asked directly as we walked into the coffee shop. He ordered two coffees as he waited for my answer, sliding into the most secluded booth. “Gerard you can tell me.” He said slipping his hand across the table and into mine, his big hazel eyes looking straight into mine. My heart sped up with the contact, the way he was looking at me; it was like he actually cared. “He physically abuses me.” I admitted pulling my hand out from he’s and laying it in my lap, slightly confused about why I’m telling a stranger this.

I looked up meeting he’s big hazel eyes. He looked worried glancing in the mirror behind me.
I was about to ask what was up as a brown haired girl walked up and sat in his lap. She looked no older than twelve, though it was hard to tell. “Hello, I’m Mary.” She introduced herself to me. “I’m Gerard” I said to her and Frank realising I hadn’t introduced myself. “I knew my brother had his eye on someone, I just didn’t realise what excellent taste he has.” She said. I looked at him confused once again. I just met him today. Had his eye on someone, I put the pieces together. “Have you been watching me?!” I asked frightened and angry.

Mary made a tut, tut, tut sound shaking her head. “Now there’s no reason to get upset. We haven’t heard Frank’s side of the story. Frank?” she asked flashing him a huge grin. So that’s the mysterious boy’s name. He sighed in defeat. “I’ve been watching you but only because I saw you crying and wanted to make sure you were okay.” He said blushing with embarrassment. “Well isn’t that sweet, Frank actually cares enough to follow someone around 24/7.” Mary piped up, getting off the ever increasingly embarrassed and pissed off Frank to collect our orders.

“Wait, you’ve been following me for weeks. How come you’ve waited until now to come and talk to me?” I wondered out loud. “I thought you would have thought I was weird, considering we don’t even go to the same school or anything.” He whispered, playing with a napkin and avoiding my gaze at all costs. Mary came back over sliding into the seat next to Frank handing us our coffees.

“Bob just called me. He said you need to come home right now, you left your phone at home and apparently work has been calling.” She told Frank, taking a sip of her coffee. He finally looked at me, an emotion in his eyes I couldn’t quite place. “Well we have to go.” Mary and Frank slid out of their seats. I got up and threw my empty cup in the closest bin. “You have to come to our car with us. I saw your sketching book drop from your bag today on the way to school. I was going to give it to you this afternoon but you passed your house and yeah….” He trailed off, rubbing the back of his head nervously. “Okay.” was all I said as we made our way down the street.

Too many thoughts were tumbling around my head for me to actually work anything out anymore. I was starting to get really nervous, these people are really strange. The only thing stopping me from just leaving my book was the fact that the walk was short and I wouldn’t have to stay in the presence of these people much longer. Also how bad could it be? I already found out Frank has been following me. I was wrong.

“So Gerard have you got a girlfriend?” Mary queried giving me a ’I’m totally innocent’ look.

“Um, no” I said, slightly uneasy as to where this was going. “Hmm, well isn’t that interesting.” She said to herself, noticing Frank’s absence from the conversation. “Frank isn’t that interesting?” He snapped out of his daydream focussing on the small brunet next to him. “Sure.” I noticed as they exchanged a look, franks saying ’Don’t you even think about it’. Mary’s face was turned away from me but as she looked back and asked the next question I knew why Frank was already glaring at her. “So whys that?” She questioned. I stiffened and looked at the ground, hoping to god that the car that was coming would crash and cause a diversion.

I stayed silent thinking she might drop the subject, I was once again wrong. “So what’s your deal? Do you like a girl that doesn’t like you back?” She watched for my reactions as the questions flowed on. “Did she leave? Was there no way you could ever be with her?” She stopped and gave a huge gasp covering her open mouth with her snow white hand. I instantly got the idea that all the previous questions were just a way of easing into the one she really wanted to know. “Gerard. You aren’t gay are you?” She asked a small smile playing across her face. “No.” I pretty much yelled at Mary. She yelped as Franks elbow went into her side.

She took a huge step away from him giving him a wary look, before her eyes landed on me. “Hmm, I think someone’s lying.” She singed giving Frank a very pointed look. “You don’t have to worry, that one over there is gay to.” She laughed as Frank blushed fifty different shades of red. “Mary! Seriously, you’re just making this awkward for everybody involved. Shut the fuck up for a bit or I’ll shut you up myself!” Frank almost growled at her. “Touchy much.” Mary smirked.

An awkward silence descended on the group, strange choking sounds coming from Mary as she tried not to laugh. “Oh come on boys. Lighten up a little, there’s no reason to be embarrassed.” She laughed as they arrived at Frank’s car. Frank unlocked the car, carefully pulling out the book from the passenger seat. “I hope you don’t mind but I kinda had a bit of a look. They’re really good.” Frank insisted as he handed the black book to me.
I clutched the book to my chest as my stomach dropped. He looked at my drawings; I don’t even let Mikey look at my drawings. “You don’t mind do you?” Frank asked, his eyes laced with worry as he took in my outraged expression. I gripped the book tighter, my nails making small crescents on the cover. “You had no right to do that!” I yelled at the now very confused Frank. I ran the short distance to my house bypassing the front door, not wanting to be on show as I searched for my keys.

The backyard burst into view as I rounded the corner. I fell against the nearest wall as my legs gave out, letting me eyes fall shut as I came to terms with what happened. I flipped through the book, stopping when I came to the one of my dream. I ran my fingertips down the page, the pencil marks smudging as my warm skin made contact. What could the dream mean?

…If it was even a dream.

Notes

Hey guys it's Sinful Cats here. I was having a look through my dream book and decided to see what Gees dream meant....so yeah. Summarised Child (Psychological Meaning) The symbol of the child represents possibilities. Also the child may represent the part of you that needs reassurance and security. What do you think this means for Gee? The dream book is my unofficial Bible. I take it everywhere so if any off you would like to find out what your dream means don't hesitate to message me. I'll get back to you on the meaning as soon as possible. Hope you enjoy!